For all you filthy, disgusting, crude pigs (like me) who sit around wondering what some of those adorable little child stars look like nowadays don’t sweat it. The Sage has done all the work for you.
So, in honor of those adorable little kiddies who blossomed into smoking hot ladies, a list…
BUT FIRST, THE CHILD STARS WHO GET WAY TOO MUCH LOVE
from Firestarter to… 
BAD MOVIES
DREW BARRYMORE (Firestarter, ET) - Look, I’m not dissing Drew. She’s a good looking broad. Seems nice too unlike some truly bitchy Hollywood ladies. However, the publicity she gets for being a hot former child star is, simply put, RIDICULOUS! Besides, not be a dick here (even though I am being a dick) but Drew also hasn’t made a good movie as an adult…ever! CHARLIE’S ANGELS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. To be honest, Barrymore is still worthy and can look sexy, but on my incredibly credible list here, she’s overrated. ‘Nuff said, dammit!
from The Parent Trap to…
REHAB? PARTY GIRL? LESBIAN?
LINDSEY LOHAN (Freaky Friday, Parent Trap) - Before you think about killing me for this one in the OVERRATED segment, give me a second to explain. Our pretty little Lindsey is now not only grown up but VERY confused. First she’s an addict (of what, who knows?), then she’s Miss Party Girl and now, lo and behold, she’s Lindsey Lohan the Lesbian. Is she pretty? Of course. Smokin’ hot? Nope. Overrated. The most.
from LITTLE WOMEN to…
CUTE BUT NOT SMOKING HOT
KIRSTEN DUNST (Little Women, Interview With A Vampire) - Good actress. And, she’s been in some good movies. But compared to some of the other “child actresses” that I chose for my brilliant list, K.D. fails to make the cut because, well because I tend to think she’s a bit overrated. When she started posing for sex shots on all the men’s magazine I kind of lost it for her. She’s cute, not pretty. And definitely not smokin’ hot. However, not as overrated as Lohan or Barrymore.
from Kids Incorporated to…
WETTING YOUR PANTS?!
FERGIE (Kids Incorporated) - It never ceases to amaze me how many dudes go coo-coo for Fergie every time she’s on television, in the magazines or on some poster for her godforsaken clothing line. Overrated? You betcha. Look closer at Fergie. I’m talking REAL close. She’s got a lot of “man” in that face and I’m not hip to that. The body’s slamming so I have to give credit where it’s due but, too bad for Fergie, she pissed herself on stage and I’m just not feeling that.
NOW, FOR THE REAL LIST
from Stephanie to… 
M.I.L.F.
JODIE SWEETEN (Stephanie Tanner – Full House) – Our little Stephanie has grown up. A LOT. I mean, a lot. Like, a lot in the top-heavy way if you know what I mean. By the way, Jodie, good for you not letting Hollywood turn you into a stick figure. You look like a normal woman who actually eats three meals a day. Keep it up and please, with a cherry on top, keep being HOT. In fact, I think Mrs. Sweeten is officially a M.I.L.F now. But please, Jodie, stay off the meth. Don’t want you to lose all your teeth in a year.
from Rudy to… 
W-O-W!!!
KEISHA KNIGHT PULLIAM (Rudy Huxtable – The Cosby Show) - Wow. W-O-W. WOW! Can’t really say much more than that after seeing this stunning beauty give Theo, Vanessa, Denise, Sondra, Mrs. Huxtable and the Cos trouble as a elementary school girl only to grow up into SHE BANGS!!! Keisha, you have now achieved the status of a goddess. We kneel before you. Yes, gentlemen, kneel down and show some love.
from Punky to… 
HOT DAMN!
SOLEIL MOON FRYE (Punky Brewster – Punky Brewster) – That quirky, bubblym little outcast, Punky Brewster, sure was a hit with television audiences across the nation back in the ’80′s but, did you know what ever happened to sweet Punky? Well, sweet Punky became SUPER SEXY PUNKY and, I guess, never looked back. You know what else is awesome about her? She didn’t wind up on crack, or robbing a store, or OD’ing like so many of our child stars of the past. Rock on, Punky. Rock on.
from Lizzie McGuire to…
LIZZIE MCHOTTIE
HILLARY DUFF (Lizzie McGuire - Lizzie McGuire) – Lizzie McGuire is all grown up! Though this is of the more recent generation of child stars, who cares? Being a traditional guy (even though I’m fucked up in the head), I’ve always had this little crush on Miss Duff. Why? Well, I LOVE the fact that she’s not a little skank like some of her peers. Seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Never, EVER, gets in trouble and, after all of that, she’s truly just a beautiful woman. Yes, adolescent Lizzie McGuire is now gorgeous entertainer, HILLARY DUFF.
from Claudia to…
YOU’RE CERTAINLY ALL GROWN UP. BOTH OF YOU.
LACEY CHABERT (Claudia Salinger – Party of Five) – Seems Lacey has gone from a Party of Five to a BIG party of two (wink, wink). This lady took her sex appeal to a new dimension as an adult, her pictures barely recognizable if matched against her un-developed pictures of yesteryear. Best thing is, it doesn’t matter. I’m saluting her. A toast for each breast.
from Harriett… 
KNOCKOUT
MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG (Harriett – Harriett The Spy) – Even though she didn’t have a role on a hit tv show like many other child stars, Trachtenberg was still in Hollywood as a very young girl and continues to work there to this day, getting more popular each year. She’s another one of my secret crushes since she looks so damn cute and so damn “girl-next-door” that I’d like her to be living next door but unfortunately I don’t pull in the kind of loot that she does. Maybe one day. Anyhow, she’s become a very pretty lady and keep an eye out for her in the future since I do believe she’ll blow up. And here’s hoping she does a nude pic somewhere down the road. Or at least takes one for me.
from Ashley to… 
FOXY LADY
TATYANA ALI (Ashley Banks – Fresh Prince of Bel Air) – Ashley Banks was always such a sweet, innocent pre-teen on Fresh Prince that you fell in love with her just because she was so damn adorable. Then, as she became a teenager, as a teenage boy you were starting to think little Ashley would be nice to go on a date with. When she turned into a blossoming woman, you just settled for the fact that little Ashley was now Tatyana Ali and had a few REALLY SEXY pics up on the web. So you got some. And used them. For this particular section. Not that I know who this person would be.
from Samantha to…
YOU’VE GOT TO 
BE KIDDING ME
ALYSSA MILANO (Samantha Miceli – Who’s The Boss?) – I think, and this is only an estimate, I’ve watched Who’s The Boss? maybe five times in my life. But I know who Alyssa Milano is. More than I know who Tony friggin’ Danza is. Guess why? One of them later became one of the finest women in Hollywood. Any guy who doesn’t think Alyssa Milano is a knockout is either a) gay, b) blind, or c) dead. This is also the reason Alyssa, unlike any of the other honey’s above, got three pictures up. Miss Milano, you win. Praise the Lord!
Tags: Alyssa Milano, Child Stars, Drew Barrymore, Fergie, Hillary Duff, Jodi Sweeten, Keisha Knight Pulliam, Kirsten Dunst, Lacey Chabert, Lindsey Lohan, Michelle Trachtenberg, Soleil Moon Frye, Tatyana Ali
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