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STOP…SAYING THAT!!!

Friday, February 27th, 2009

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: BOBBY JINDAL 

WHO LISTENED TO MR. PRESIDENT’S SPEECH?

NN_27obama2

I imagine all of you raised your hands since his speech sent television ratings through the roof. Even better, his delivery of an enthused rhetoric was not only inspired, but determined as well. The GOP got all pissy as they usually do because it lacked “specifics” and blah blah this and blah blah that.

As entertained as moved as I was by the President’s speech, Republican Governor of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal provided just as much fun afterwards with his silly and contradictory reply to Obama’s address to the nation.

Bobby and other Republican governors in the south are refusing some money from the stimulus, money that would go to state unemployment benefits. Yes, they’re turning away money. Hold on, there’s more.

jindal2

*doesn’t he look a little too sickly to you?


“The [Republican] party lost its discipline when it came to spending. It began to defend practices we used to say were wrong when other people did them, like corruption and earmarks.” - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal

STOP SAYING THAT!!!

Do we give this asshole an ovation for this or do we smack him across the grill? Remember this: the main Republican complaint about the stimulus package is that it’s viewed as a “spending” package. Yet, here’s their GOP representative blaming his own party for spending. Also, something else to consider:

ISN’T THE WHOLE POINT TO SPEND MONEY?!

spending-money

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

STOP…BUYING THIS STUFF

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Had a little weekend vacation in Sin City (Las Vegas for those that aren’t familiar with that term) with my beautiful fiance last weekend to visit her mother and other family. Looking around at all the SUPER CHEAP buffets enveloping the city of Las Vegas, it encouraged me to find some pointers for this week’s blog on this subject. A rundown of some things that caught my eye that I thought I’d pass along.

sunday-ny-times

MY COFFEE, MY BREAKFAST AND MY SUNDAY PAPER

Cruised into a Starbucks and since I’m in Vegas, there’s no L.A. Times anywhere to be found. Starbucks, however, had the Las Vegas and NY Times Sunday papers. Knowing the NY Times is the better publication, I scooped it up and told the barista to ring it up with my large cup of joe. When she plugged in the numbers 5.00, I raised my hand for questioning. She said, well, yeah, the Sunday NY Times is $5 now because the cost of printing is so expensive. Thinking she was jerking my chain, I decided to look at the actual price listed on the paper.

5.00

So let’s go over this quickly: newspapers across the nation are losing all kinds of money so they RAISE the prices?! $5 for ink stained newspaper doesn’t add up no matter who’s writing the articles. Unless this paper gives you a blowjob or something, at that price, newspapers are not bordering on crazy, they’ve already become INSANE. No wonder our economy is where it is.

And by the way, to make matters worse, the Las Vegas Sunday paper was still $2.50. And it’s not even written that. Sheesh, what a scam by all the newspapers. BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

las_vegas_strip

LET’S STAY ON THE STRIP!

Or, maybe not. Sin City is having MAJOR issues but it’s not the casinos off the strip, it’s the ones on the strip. Why? Well, they’re more expensive of course, from the rooms all the way down to the food. Yes, the Strip is a fun place if you’ve never been but it’s not fun for more than two days because after that, there ain’t much more to do. Unless you want to $99/ticket on some chump doing B.S. magic and trying too hard to look pretty and hot on top of that, stay away from the Strip. Comedy shows and concerts don’t fare better since the prices may blow your mind even more.

Also, let’s not forget some of the other important intricacies of Las Vegas. For example, and I’m no smoker, but you want to sit down and play the slots but forgot to get your cigarettes back in your hometown, a pack of cigs inside the casinos start at $7 a pack. Listen, this is a hotel, not a god damn movie theater. Don’t charge me $3-4 extra for something just because you feel you can. That’s just crooked, dirty and greedy. Then again, it’s also the reason many of you people running the casinos are having BIG PROBLEMS. 

People will only spend so much. If you want to keep your money to a minimum but still enjoy a little bit of sin in Vegas, take your chances at a casino off the Strip such as Boulder Station or Sam’s Town. No, the people and employees there might not be as “perky and hip” as those on the Strip, but they’re normal people and the casino is MUCH MUCH CHEAPER.

las-vegas-buffet

LOOK, GUYS, THEY HAVE A BUFFET!

Yeah, every hotel in Vegas has a buffet but some of them seemed to have gotten over their head or gone Hollywood or something of that nature. As mentioned before, off the strip, the hotels provide buffets with decent prices and decent food, sometimes not so decent food but the price is usually right. 

On the strip is a different beast altogether. While there are definitely a few hotels sporting relatively inexpensive buffet prices (meaning $15-20), most hotels seem to think their food was cooked up by Zeus himself, thunderbolts and all. Not so fast, hotels on the Strip.

Sure, you may have good quality food but does that mean you overprice your customers ridiculous amounts when you know there’s a recession going on? When you want to charge us $25-$60 for a buffet, you’ve lost your mind and not only that, you’re STUPID. 

Something tickles me when an entire industry and city is getting its ass kicked by a recession and STILL wants to keep prices high only to wonder where the hell all the tourists and customers have gone? Well, that’s a very simple answer, folks:

THEY’VE GONE OFF THE STRIP!!!

vegas-girls

*the only great part about the Strip is you see a lot of these around unlike off the Strip

off-strip-ladies

*many people off the Strip look like these two broads

MONEY, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

I thought it might do us all some good to compare a few brunettes in this category. Let’s take a look, shall we?

$MONEY$

lauren-conrad

LAUREN CONRAD

The main star of MTV’s The Hills, Lauren Conrad is just another hot rich girl who was a friend of a friend whose father has a lot of connections or something along those lines. The show is about nothing and I don’t care to elaborate because that would be giving the show and its characters a little too much credit. I think many of you feel me on this. However, I don’t lie, and Miss Conrad is a beautiful girl but how does she match up against some of our other contestants?

HONEY

asia-carrera

ASIA CARRERA

Asia Carrera was a world famous porn star for about 10 years from 1993-2003. Now, if you can get over the fact that she’s hot and obviously a freak, I’ll let you in on something interesting: Asia Carrera has an IQ over 150! Yep. Bet Lauren Conrad can’t claim anything of that nature.  On the contrary, Conrad wasn’t getting banged on camera all the time either so that’s in her favor by most people’s standards. Either way, she’s one of the most popular porn stars of all time. 

PLAYBOY BUNNY

carmella-decesare

CARMELLA DECESARE

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

Anybody who disagrees with me needs to see a psychiatrist.

Until next week, so long.

COOL STUFF GUYS INVENTED

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

Being that the sun is usually shining most days unless you live in the rain forests or the Northwest, it’s hard to imagine a more efficient invention than modern day sunglasses otherwise known as shades. Nowadays, we’ve got people sporting Ray Ban and Oakleys and, of course Donna Karans and Gucci for the ladies. But where’s the love for the dude and the company that started this trend back in 1929? That love is here, my friends. And it’s mad love.

SUNGLASSES

shades

“We doin’, big pimpin’, we spendin’ g’s” -Jay Z

INVENTED BY: SAM FOSTER

Although the original invention of sunglasses can be traced back to 12th century China, the modern sunglasses were invented by the above mentioned man, Sam Foster, whose company, Foster Grant, first began marketing shades in 1929 on the beaches of Atlantic City, New Jersey. 

It wasn’t too long after that that sunglasses became a major fashion trend that continues to this day. HOORAY SAM FOSTER!

blues-brothers

*yep, the Blue Brothers threw it down for Ray Ban

mjoakleys

*one of the greatest ever is sponsored by Oakleys

lopezhiltonrichie

*3 women I CAN’T stand make Gucci very, very happy

ashley-tisdale

*wannabe celebrities like Ashley Tisdale like Donna Karan shades

calvinhobbes_dance

*if Calvin wears sunglasses then they have to be cool

hottie-in-shades

*she deserves a raise from this sunglasses maker

LEISURE SUNDANCE

*shades, shades, for everyone!

Anyways, next time the sun’s ashining, whip out the old shades and make sure to thank Mr. Sam Foster before slipping them on.

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: CATS!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

*People love dogs and cats the world over. I’d say, overall, dogs are ahead as far as lovable pets go but that doesn’t mean that cats are far behind. However, out in the wild, there are WAY more cats than dogs and wild cats, otherwise known as big cats, make wild dogs look like house cats. They’re pretty damn cool though, whether they’re huge or just a bit bigger than domestic cats. I think I owe it to you all to list some of the more dangerous and deadly big cats across the globe.

So, in honor of those dangerous, furry, cuddly cats, a list…

jaguar-kills-caiman

JAGUAR (Panthera onca)

SIZE: 5-6 FT  125-300LBS

The Jaguar (and we ain’t talking cars here, folks) can call the lion, tiger and leopard family. Not only is it the third largest cat in the world, it’s the biggest in the New World otherwise known as the Western Hemisphere (big cats in Africa, Asia and India are considered part of the Old World).

And check this out: jaguars tend to get bigger the further south you go. That means, stay out of South America, especially places like Argentina and Uruguay probably wouldn’t be nice places to go prancing around in the rain forest. You wouldn’t want to meet a jaguar either because, pound for pound, it’s got the most powerful bite of the family. Fortunately for you, jaguars rarely attack humans.

What it does attack is pretty damn impressive, however. In the picture above, he’s got a tasty caiman (a South American crocodile relative) in his mouth meaning he can kick some major ass. In addition to caimans, jaguars will kill capybaras (largest rodents in the world), deer, tapirs (one of the weirdest looking mammals in the world), turtles, mice, birds, frogs, dogs, peccaries (a kind of pig), dogs, foxes, monkeys, and, my favorite one of all, anacondas. 

Anything that can hunt an anacanda is a gangsta. Period. End of discussion.

leopard-with-kill

LEOPARD (Panthera pardus)

SIZE: 3-6FT  80-200LBS

The leopard is the baby of the family, being that it’s the smallest. This doesn’t give you a pass to provoke the thing but I’m just stating the facts here. There’s not too many of these around because we keep murdering them as always but they’re primarily in Africa but some leopard species still call parts of Asia, India and Pakistan home.

While you may think leopards look like jaguars and vice versa, the rosette patterns on the leopard lack the inside patterns the jaguar possesses. Remember that and also that it’s smaller. Another thing to know: the mystical “black panther” is really a melanistic leopard or jaguar, not a panther (aka mountain lion, cougar)).

On to the fun part: what they eat. Leopards don’t have quite the magnitude of their bigger family members but it makes up for it in other ways. It will prey upon a variety of different creatures big and small including ungulates (hoofed mammals), rodents, monkeys, fish and reptiles. The key difference here is that a jaguar, unlike any other cat in the fam, can drag prey up to three times its own body weight up a tree.

When it comes to us, leopards will try to avoid humans. However, they’ve been known to be vicious hunters of man in the past. The legendary Indian leopard, Leopard of Penar, was said to have killed over 400 men. There have been other stories of leopards killing over 100 people. Not good, says I.

cougarmntn-lion

MOUNTAIN LION/COUGAR/PUMA (Puma concolor)

SIZE: 5-9FT (head to tail) 115-160LBS

The mountain lion is not a true lion but whoever saw it first thought it looked pretty damn close to a lioness and accordingly named it “lion of the mountain”. A lot of people think cougars and pumas are a different animal than the mountain lion but these people are wrong. All three are one in the same but the cat was lucky enough to get three cool sounding names. At least, I dig them all.

If you want to know how adaptable these guys are, they’ve got the largest geographical range of ANY land animal in the entire Americas. Talk about flexibility, a mountain lion lives in any environment from dense brushes to mountains and deserts. Funny thing is, cougars get smaller near the equator and larger at the poles. Weird, huh?

As the fourth largest cat in the world, pumas eat a very wide range of things, with its most important prey being deer, at least for the majority of the ones in North America. Their South American counterparts tend to drift towards rodents and other smaller sized mammals. But, again, being the flexible cats that they are, mountain lions will eat just about anything it can catch. 

Like most attacks from big cats, cougar attacks on humans is a rare occurrence. However, the more we take over their habitat, the more they want to bite us. Do you blame them? Check it: between 1890-1990 there were 53 mountain lion attacks. From 1990-2004 there were 35. Big, big, BIG difference. We’re to blame. As always. Just don’t take your kids hunting in puma territory. Just about every attack on children turns out to be fatal. But I’d imagine you, as the parent, would be liable for that.

lion-carrying-impala1

LION (Panthera leo)

SIZE: 5 1/2-8FT 330-550LBS

Ah, the mighty king of the jungle. He of the Lion King, one of Disney’s greatest masterpieces of all time. Lions are one of the most beloved creatures on earth, adored by the masses all over the planet. It’s interesting how such a murderous cat can be so loved but hey, that’s people.

The majority of lions inhabit Africa but some still patrol parts of India but they’re called Asiatic lions, different from the lions we all know and love, the African lion. Interestingly, lions are one of the only social group of cats and of course, unique in that the lionesses (females) do the hunting while the king of the jungle lays back and chills. And he still gets first on the grub.

Although lions can run up to 40mph, they can only do so for a short amount of time because their stamina is very, very low. This may also be a reason they hunt in packs, to give them a better chance at a kill. However, in the eating world, lions got tons of range, BIG RANGE. As in, they devour BIG animals. Overall, the wildebeest is one of the most sought after meals for the lion but they can take down anything such as antelopes, zebras, buffalo, giraffes and yes, even elephants. In fact, there’s a group of lions that primarily prey on elephants, taking them out at night when the big beasts’ vision is terrible. And yet another group of lions along the coast feed exclusively on seals. Yep, lions don’t screw around when it comes to eating.

Well, well, well, Mr. Lion, do you like to eat people? Why, yes he does! Not that lions purposely hunt humans, although there have been some rare cases (The Ghost and the Darkness is a movie based on two lions of this nature) but since people seem to venture closer and closer to lions, there seems to be more and more cases of lions eating them. Some researchers report that lions kill over 200 Tanzanians a year and from 1990-2005, at least 563 villagers were attacked, many eaten, around Tanzania. There’s a lesson to be learned from these facts:

DON’T GO TO AFRICA

bengal-tiger

TIGER (Panthera tigris)

SIZE: 7-10FT  400-700LBS

Funny how the final two big cats aren’t only the most popular but the biggest and the baddest, the tiger being the largest of the cat family by a fairly wide margin. At least, the Siberian tiger (largest cat in the world) can claim this since it is the largest and the heaviest.

There are only about 4000 of these huge cats left in the wild where they only call the continent of Asia their hometown. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: tiger stripes are as distinct on tigers as fingerprints are to humans, creating a much easier way for scientists and researchers to track the striped felines.

Though it may be heavier and bigger than its cousin, the African lion, tigers usually will prey on animals smaller than what lions are accustomed to. This isn’t to say that tiger prey is small, however. It’s got a wide range of creatures it eats including antelopes, guar (large wild cattle), deer, boar, but more impressive are the pythons, leopards, sloth bears and crocodiles it occasionally finds appetizing. Once you’ve claimed pythons, leopards, bears and crocodiles as food, you’re absolutely not be to screwed with. EVER.

Well, there’s a reason I got the tiger down here. It’s because, over history, the tiger has killed more humans than any other big cat but it’s more due to increasing population than a thirst for the flesh of homo sapiens. A particular location of India called the Sundarbans mangrove swamps, tiger attacks have increased so much that villagers wear masks on the back of their heads when moving through the mangroves because tigers generally attack from behind and tend to not do so when faced. Another lesson here:

DON’T GO TO INDIAN MANGROVE SWAMPS

STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that this section will be devoted to all things that can be watched on your television albeit movies, television shows or documentaries. I would do porn as well but there’s too many damn porn movies out there and the prices they charge for a new DVD is insane and the main reason the biggest companies in porn have lost 20-30% business in the last full year.

yu-gi-oh-movie1

YU-GI-OH! – THE MOVIE (Warner Bros. 2004)

“Mom! Mom! Take me to see Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie! Please, Mom! Please, please PLEASE!!!” This was a familiar plead from little boys across the U.S. when this movie was released here in the states before it was then released in Japan, uncut. Yep, American audiences can’t seem to handle certain PG rated cartoons. Yu-Gi-Oh! was a HUGE hit in the U.S. with little boys who fantasized about being various different characters from the Japanese cartoon. I really don’t understand this obsession with Japanese anime but I also don’t deny it’s magnitude among kids, boys especially.

Therefore, when this movie hit the box offices, it was a little disappointing to hear how much it sucked. Rotten Tomatoes website gave it a 5% on a scale of 1-100%. That’s terrible. U.S. movie critics destroyed it as well. Entertainment Weekly’s Scott Brown called Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie “a feature-length anime commercial”. OUCH! One thing I can’t stand is when a huge kids franchise such as this puts out a crappy movie because they think just the name will pull in the masses. With a worldwide box office gross of $29,170,410, the producers and creators of Yu-Gi-Oh! made a BIG mistake. 

Unlike, our next movie.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

wall-e

WALL-E (Disney/Pixar 2009)

This animated movie was so good that I really believed it might be the first animated movie in history to take home the Oscar for Best Picture. Yes, it’s that good. That it won Best Animated Feature is great, but it really did deserve at least a nomination for Best Picture. I did not see Slumdog Millionaire yet so I can’t compare the two but Wall-E is definitely in the discussion of greatest animated movies of all time.

Why such high praise? Well, there really isn’t one flaw in this movie. None. The characters are incredible, every one of them. The animation and scenery are beyond what even your dreams could imagine and each scene keeps raising the stakes visually. On top of that, the story of this movie is something to be reckoned with, attached with a message ALL OF US can learn from. 

I can see how some people may view the message as “anti-fat” but that’s far from the truth. The message is really “anti-get-off-your-lazy-ass-and-do-something-or-else…” and maybe some people (who are on the bigger side) got offended. Hey, I’m on the bigger side but I’m also able to dissect and get into the real intricacies of movies so my interpretation of the message is correct and that I know as fact.

Despite the message of the film, just watching it will blow you away. How Pixar achieved this thing is beyond me but then again, they are the most successful movie studio of all time (if you count how many incredibly good and prosperous movies they’ve made in a row) so they know what they’re up to. Wall-E is worth your time, maybe even twice, possibly three times over. When it arrives on DVD, I will buy a copy and it will be the first animated film I officially add to my collection. 

Yep. It’s that good.

STOP…CALLING THEM FAT

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

Yet another episode of trying to prove a point to the masses by pulling a bunch of pictures of women considered “too fat” to be regular models. It’s the same women who have been told “the camera puts on weight” and cast aside for anorexics.

big-butt-latina2


*this photographer has a long, successful career ahead of him.

elkebeach2small

*”Tina got a big ole buttI know I told you I’d be true/but Tina got a big ole butt so I’m leavin’ you” -LL Cool J Big Ole Butt

charlotte-coyle

*well known PLUS SIZE model Charlotte Croyle. I’d love to see how many guys would actually turn this one down.

curvy-girls

*from a “Jeans for Curvy Girls ad”. I’m  serious. H-O-T.

tyra-banks-reacts

*I figure Tyra Banks’ reaction is due to this model’s baby fat. Funny how the tables kind of turned on her, ain’t it?

Once again, I think we need a quick recap.

bbw-in-brown NORMAL

skinny-celebrity-woman NOT NORMAL

THE MAN TRIBUTE: CHAPTER 3

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

CHAPTER 3: MICHAEL KELLER DITKA, JR. 

WE KNOW HIM AS: “IRON” MIKE DITKA

mike-ditka-collage

If you’re a football fan, you’re a Ditka fan. As in, Mike Ditka aka Iron Mike or Hurricane Ditka (if you watched SNL’s Super Fans of “Da Bears” fame). Most recognized today for his coaching tenure with the Chicago Bears where he won Super Bowl XX over the New England Patriots. Don’t forget that Hurricane Ditka is also a Hall of Famer, a tight end who transcended a position originally known for blocking into a position that was used as an offensive threat. Also, Ditka has some of the greatest quotes and outbursts in the history of the NFL. 

Ditka quotes:

mike-ditka-interview

Q: What’s the difference between a 3-week-old puppy and a sportswriter?
A: In 6 weeks, the puppy will stop whining.

mike-ditka-tight-end1
“I’m not a mean player. You’ll notice I never pick on a player who has a number above 30.”

mike-ditka-cartoon
“Those who live in the past are cowards and losers.”

mike-ditka-coaching
*on his rivalry with head coach Buddy Ryan
“He’s just jealous. You know what they say. Empty tin cans make the most noise, and he’s an empty tin can. This game is between the Bears and the Eagles, not Ditka and Ryan. We all know who would win that one. Ditka, hands down.”

mike-ditka-pissed
“Attack always.”
And the best quote of all!
mike_ditka-gives-finger
“If God had wanted man to play soccer, he wouldn’t have given us arms.”
I think we all deserve to give Iron Mike Ditka a tribute.

STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Hello again, my friends. Swooping into the television category today for a few pieces of criticism I have about a large part of our current state of tv. There are some shows out there that are just TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, STUPID AND POINTLESS. But, if that’s the case, WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING THEM??!! Well, that’s what I’m here for. To change your mind. Because me, I got some shows you SHOULD watch that will blow your mind.

So, let’s get to some criticism, shall we?

gossip-girl

GOSSIP GIRL (THE CW)

Another show sensationalizing the rich only this time it’s the young and rich. Still horse crap if you ask me. Just because Blair and her totally generic rich surroundings and cliche prep school friends are wealthy doesn’t make them cool. Not only that, it doesn’t make them interesting and it doesn’t give them some entitlement as to what we should and shouldn’t be doing in this world. 

However, here people are, gleaming over this show about ridiculous rich teenagers doing ridiculously rich teenage things as only ridiculous rich ridiculously pretentious young people can do (sorry about the ridiculous tirade). The truth is, the Gossip Girl could be called “Fake Girl” or “Just Another TV Rich Girl) because all this show does is throw constant praise over the wealthy life giving our young people yet another distorted view or reality. 

By the way, why are so many Americans obsessed with really rich people on television shows? Wouldn’t you think maybe it’d be a better idea to try to find a good way to get rich rather than to sit back and watch the lives of the rich?

TRY WATCHING THIS FOR A CHANGE 

that-70s-show

THAT 70′S SHOW (FOX)

Though this is a sitcom, this hilarious show is still closer to the reality of teenager’s and young adults than Gossip Girl. Watching the six main characters of the show, all friends, mingle and live their simple, ordinary young lives was watching real American young people operate in the space we’ve given them. 

While this show has tons of laughs and jokes, the main thing is the interaction between the six friends who mesh perfectly but have a ring of truth to each of them. It’s as if we’ve known all of them at some point or another in our lives, just by different names. Also, these were Wisconsin kids going to public school like most American teenagers do. Their houses were also very modest and their families middle class, just like most of us.

And while many of you may think the characters on That 70′s Show lived very simplistic, easy-going lives with the typical woes that come accustomed with young adulthood, that’s how most young adults live. 

Watch Gossip Girl and then watch That 70′s Show and you tell me which one is closer to home. Maybe That 70′s Show is silly, over-the-top and super quirky, but it sends a better message than the “it’s hip to be rich” undertones accompanied with Gossip Girl.

POLAR BEAR VS KODIAK BEAR

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

*ever wondered what it would be like to see a lion fight a tiger? Maybe King Kong taking on Megatron from the Transformer? How about Chucky against Frodo Baggins? These will all be matches analyzed and discussed at some point in time in this brand new segment pitting the beasts of the entire universe against one another. Women, understandably so, probably find this absolutely juvenile and stupid. They’re right but for dudes this is what it’s all about!

POLAR BEAR VS KODIAK BEAR

polar-bear

POLAR BEAR (Ursus maritimus)

According to most experts, the Polar bear is the largest bear in the world but it depends on what you define as “largest”. On average, polar bears reach lengths of 9 feet and 1400 pounds with the largest on record weighing in at 2200 pounds back in 1960. 

What separates the polar bear from its cousins, the brown bears, is its ability to live and hunt almost primarily on ice, moving from ice block to ice block in search of food. In fact, most of a polar bear’s life is spent at sea due to its almost purely carnivorous diet.

But, as you can see, a polar bear is not an animal anybody or anything should be screwing with. Not only is a giant, it can swim. REALLY WELL. These huge animals have been spotted up to 200 miles from land dog paddling in the ocean. Sounds like fun but I ain’t gonna do it.

Believe it or not, as big as the polar bear is, it’s a stealth hunter meaning humans usually don’t know it’s hunting them until it’s too late. Because of this unfortunate set of circumstances, it also means that most polar bear attacks on humans wind up being fatal. This means, however, that if you are in an area where polar bears have been known to be, don’t ask for sympathy if you’re attacked and killed. I believe there are certain things in this world we can control and that’s one of them.

Their physical characteristics are different than their Kodiak buddies. Polar bears are sleeker, have a longer snout and head, and different dynamics in the way their feet operate. Because of the ice, polar bears have a soft cushion-like pad on the bottom of their feet that helps them gain traction on the ice. Their claws are shorter and broader than the Kodiak’s as well. 

A polar bear doesn’t hunt so well on land. Most land mammals can out run them easily. Most marine animals can out swim them in the ocean. So how does the thing hunt? Well, it roams the ice and finds holes where seals, walruses, and beluga whales come up to get air. When one comes up it smacks the crap out it, knocking it silly and pulling up on the ice where it delivers a crushing fatal bite to the prey’s head. Must not be fun to be the prey.

kodiak-bear

KODIAK BEAR (Ursus arctos middendorffi)

The Kodiak bear, a kind of brown bear that includes grizzly bears as well, is the biggest of the brown bear family. Now, getting back to that point about what “largest” really means, here’s something to digest: Kodiak bears can get up to 1500 pounds but the largest recorded was 2500 pounds and stood 14 feet tall! 

While grizzlies and brown bears live in many different regions, the Kodiak is a different story since they only live on the islands of the Kodiak Archipelago, Alaska. By the way, DO NOT GO THERE! If you’ve ever seen Grizzly Man (one the greatest documentaries ever), you’ll know why.

Kodiak bears are also big salmon fiends as it’s their favorite food without a shadow of a doubt and it’s a food so rich in fat and oil that it’s one of the main contributors to Kodiak and grizzly bears growing over 1000 pounds. This also makes them way more intimidating and fierce to us measly little human beings.

One thing that truly sucks about ever being caught out in the wild and face to face with a Kodiak would be your inability to run. I don’t care if it’s Usain Bolt the gold medalist in the men’s 100 meter race, at almost 40 miles an hour, nobody is outrunning a Kodiak bear. Not a chance. They’re also much more aggressive toward humans than their polar bear counterparts because, unlike polar bears, Kodiaks are territorial.

Some interesting facts to know if you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and a Kodiak attacks you:  you’ll probably only be mauled and then left alone, so you might have a slight chance of survival. Slight, but it is a chance. Also, it will probably be a female since 70% of brown bear attacks are at the paws of females protecting their young. That’s one mean Mama!

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…Kodiak bear takes this battle of the beasts. For the sake of the argument, if both animals are the same height and weight, I don’t know if the polar bear can handle the extra weight and speed of the Kodiak bear. However, if the polar bear is able to use its agility to out-maneuver the Kodiak, it may have a chance but I don’t see it happening. Kodiak wins in three rounds, knocking the polar bear out with a sickening swipe across the head.

KODIAK BEAR WINS

kodiak-roar

*Polar bear ain’t got nothin’ on me!

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