Stop Pop Culture

Archive for February, 2009

STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

WARNING

*this particular section contains LOTS of REALLY DISGUSTING and VILE, STOMACH-WRENCHING pictures from various movies. Some people may find this content shocking, disturbing and very offensive.

VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

I always wanted to write that but never had a legitimate reason until now. Now, my friends, I have a GREAT reason to start off this section with a hardcore disclaimer. Because this is about some really, truly, horrible and nauseating movies I’ve seen. And people watch them. And some have been wildly successful. It’s scary, actually.

So, what I’ve decided to do with this is divided it into 3 categories for the section’s genre that day: STUPID, POINTLESS & DISTURBING

TODAY: HORROR

THE STUPID

paris-hilton-impaled

HOUSE OF WAX (2005)

Another movie I happened upon late at night on HBO. Unfortunately for me, this movie absolutely sucked balls! It’s kind of lame when they remake movies just for the kicks they get from the gore and then just put up a flick that has no intentions of paying attention to any kind of good story. The only good thing about this badly constructed horror movie is that Paris Hilton gets a lead pipe heaved at her and, successfully, impales her right through her talentless head.

THE POINTLESS

hills-have-eyes-2

THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2 (2007)

Actually, I had to watch this movie after watching its ridiculous predecessor a few weeks earlier. The Hills Have Eyes (2006) was already bad, a very unoriginal horror movie where everything seems to be too conveniently placed but this one doubles the disaster that the first one was. This revolves around a bunch of National Guard soldiers but what they’re doing out in the middle of the desert is anybody’s guess but I’m not one to really care. Anyways, they start getting picked off one by one by some vile mutant family living inside the hills. Had this movie not been made, life would have still moved on. Now that the movie has been made, it feels like life isn’t as good anymore.

THE DISTURBING

hostel-2

HOSTEL II

All I can say is, WOW!!! Basically, this time 3 chicks get seduced into an exotic spa that’s really the same Slovakian slaughterhouse as the first one. There’s also a connection between a bunch of characters but I wasn’t paying attention much to plot because it was too much of a secondary subject to the gore constantly being smashed into my face.

The above picture is from a scene where a sweet, virginal character is hanging naked upside down and her killer-to-be is an older naked chick who disrobes and proceeds to slice and dice her victim with a rusty scythe. As she bathes in her victim’s blood with glee, she decides she needs more blood to finish her bath and slashes the virgin’s throat, sending blood spewing all over her.

Yep. Pretty sick. Pretty nasty. Pretty disturbing.

Tags: 2006, 2007, blood, chicks, disaster, disrobes, DISTURBING, EXTREME CONTENT, family, hahahahahahahahaha, hills, horror movie, Hostel 2, House of Wax, House of Wax (2005), impaled, lead pipe, mutant, naked, naked chick, nasty, National Guard, OFFENSIVE, Paris Hilton, Pointless, predecessor, scythe, SHOCKING, sick, Slovakia, soldiers, spa, stomach-wrenching, Stupid, The Hills Have Eyes 2, The HIlls Have Eyes 2 (2006), unoriginal, upside down, victim, VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED, vile, virginal, WARNING, Wow
Posted in STOP | No Comments »

$MONEY$, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

*a fun little section with hot women but here’s the catch: money is a rich lady (think Orange County Housewives), porn honeys are porn stars, and Playboy Bunnies are well, Playboy Bunnies. Lay ‘em out and let you decide who’s the hottest. And it rhymes too!

For Round 1, I decided to keep all the pretty ladies blonde for the sake of a fair argument so throw me a friggin’ bone if you have any arguments.

So, in honor of our money, porn honeys and Playboy Bunnies, a list…

ROUND 1…FIGHT!

THE $$$MONEY$$$

orange-county-housewife

ORANGE COUNTY HOUSEWIFE

The Orange County Housewife’s got a lot of dough at her disposal plus a sugar daddy pulling in the big bucks, making life way easier on her the other two blondes, who work for their cash.

THE PORN HONEY

jenna-jameson

JENNA JAMESON

Jenna Jameson is probably working harder for her cash than any of the other two although many may not agree with Mrs. Jameson’s line of work in the adult entertainment business otherwise known as porn otherwise known as getting banged on camera and other REALLY DIRTY THINGS on camera for a LOT OF MONEY. But, Mrs. Jameson is very hot. Very, very hot.

THE PLAYBOY BUNNY

kendra-wilkinson

KENDRA WILKINSON (The Girls Next Door)

Everybody in America seems to have fallen in love with The Girls Next Door, especially Kendra Wilkinson. She’s young, hot, has REALLY big knockers and a charm that seems to throw every dude off his feet. But not me. Nope. I tend to lean toward Holly more. But I’m not big into blondes anyhow.

So, who wins the first round?

CONSENSUS SAYS….JENNA JAMESON!!!

Jenna scores a perfect 10 because while she clearly is as pretty as the other two on the list, her “skills”, shall we say put her over the top here.

Tags: adult entertainment, big knockers, blondes, charm, Consensus Says, dirty things, Jenna Jameson', Kendra Wilkinson, Money, Orange County Housewife, Orange County Housewives, over the top, perfect 10, Playboy Bunnies, PORN, Porn Honeys, pretty ladies, Round 1, sugar daddy, The Girls Next Door, very hot, young
Posted in CULTURE | 11 Comments »

STOP…CALLING THEM “FAT”

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

*I’m going to keep driving home this point to all you fellas out there who are getting too caught up in the Lindsey Lohans and Nicole Richie’s of the world. Just because a girl’s got a little meat on her, doesn’t mean she’s fat, Okay, media?

kimberley-locke-headshot

*if you don’t think this lady’s hot then your pee-pee doesn’t work

KIMBERLEY LOCKE

Former American Idol contestant and currently a Lane Bryant and also currently a hottie as well.

america-ferrara

*the make-up people for Ugly Betty earn their damn money ten-fold

AMERICA FERRARA

So “fat” she got her big break as the lead of an indie hit, “Real Women Have Curves”. Yep, real women do have curves and nice boobs and a big ole juicy bubble butt!

jessica-simpson

*If this is “gaining weight”, I’ll take a million of these to go, please

JESSICA SIMPSON

So, I guess Jessica’s “fat” now according to all the media stories leaking out about “how much weight she’s put on.” Jessica, simply turn to them politely, extend your middle finger and then turn and shake your big ass in their face. HA!

pam-grier-modern

*DAAAAAAAAAAAAM, PAM!!!

PAM GRIER

The Cleopatra and Coffy star from the 1970′s Blaxploitation films is still around, albeit older but still smoooooooooooookin’ hot! Pick up the two flicks mentioned above if you want to get your mind blown by what she looked like in the ’70′s (also, lots of topless scenes which WILL NOT disappoint)

mia-tyler

*I’m convinced now that the kitchen is the best room in the house

MIA TYLER

Steven Tyler’s other daughter, Mia, is an American plus size model and pretty damn hot at that. In fact, call me silly, but I’d take her over her snap-like-a-twig sister, Liv Tyler, any day of the week.

Tags: a little meat on her bones, America Ferrara, big ass, bubble butt, Cleopatra, Coffy, curves, fat, Jessica Simpson, Kimberley Locke, Lindsey Lohan, Mia Tyler, nice boobs, Nicole Richie, Pam Grier, pee-pee, Real Women Have Curves, Steven Tyler, the kitchen, Ugly Betty
Posted in STOP | No Comments »

STUFF THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

MORE STUFF THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

*in honor of some of those back in the day things we’d all love to see again, a list…

keebler-magic-middles

1. KEEBLER MAGIC MIDDLES

In the mighty words of text language: OMG!!! Basically, it was a miniature cookie with chocolate fudge in the middle. Genius, Keebler. Genius. Also, kudos for the little Keebler Elf who keeps on pimpin’ to this day. At least they haven’t killed some of our favorite product characters. And he gets to live in a friggin’ tree away from all the crap we have to live with in the city.

keebler-elf

This lady below tries to give Magic Middles a whirl in her own kitchen, something I thought was totally admirable. Anybody who has the balls to recreate one the greatest discontinued cookies of all time is a gangster.

http://www.crowncombo.com/articles/2006/025_magicmiddles/cookies.html

baseball-cards

2. TRADING CARDS

Man, what the hell ever happened to these?! I’ll tell you what happened: in the late ’80′s and early ’90′s, the trading cards business was booming and BLOWING UP. So the manufacturers got REALLY greedy and start mass producing tons of different sets and sub-sets and specialty sets and rare sets and gold sets and platinum sets and on and on and on. They were charging kids (their parents, actually) $3-8 dollars per pack! Yeah, it was ridiculous. Today it’s 2009 and there’s still a trading cards business out there somewhere but it’s not what it once was but it could get back there again if they could market trading cards properly to boys. First of all, stop with the inflated prices to fatten your wallets. You’re getting rich anyhow so chill on the price gouging. Just make it cool again. After all, trading cards have something other hobbies don’t: VALUE.

squeezeit

3. SQUEEZEIT

What a great drink this was from one our favorite baking moms, Betty Crocker. It was called Squeezeit because you it came in very efficient plastic bottles with a simple plastic top that twisted off with one turn. It wasn’t healthy or anything but for those who like sugary drinks, Squeezeits were worth picking up at the market. Nowadays, the only thing that resembles this is a beer but it has a much more difficult cap to get off.

joy

4. THE REN & STIMPY SHOW

The day I found out this show was canceled is up there with one of the worst days of my thirty years of life. The greatest cartoon ever invented, The Ren & Stimpy Show used to make me laugh so hard my sides would be sore for two days. There’s so many great episodes but they’re mostly in the first few seasons when original creator, John Kricfalusi, was in control of the show. Too bad he couldn’t meet deadlines, apparently the reason Nickelodeon fired him from his own show.

Tags: baseball cards, basketball cards, beer, Betty Crocker, chocolate, cookies, deadline, efficient, football cards, hockey cards, John Kricfalusi, Keebler Elf, Keebler Magic Middles, miniature, Nickelodeon, non-sports cards, plastic bottle, Ren, special sets, Squeezeit, Stimpy, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Trading Cards, twist off
Posted in POP | No Comments »

STOP…BUYING THIS STUFF

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

*another week, more signs of a recession, a worsening economy and TERRIBLE SPENDING HABITS! Let’s continue with some more things people can stop buying

out-to-lunch1

*I would have this sign at my business ALL THE TIME

LET’S DO LUNCH

Let’s do lunch! No, let’s not do lunch today. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t do lunch at all this week and only do it twice a month or something along those lines. Think about how often you mosey on over to the local Subway for lunch 3 days a week, which is to say better than millions of other Americans who go out to lunch every day. And, let’s say for the sake of the argument, lunch comes out to $8 a day, and I’m being super nice here:

3 X 8 = 24 X 4 = $96/month

12 months X $96 = $1152/year

Now, at this price, you’re at about $100 a month just on lunch 3 times a week. However, let’s be honest here: you spend a lot more than $24 a week going out to lunch. Multiply it and see that it comes out to more money than you need to be spending on something you don’t really need to spend it on.

starbux-latte

*the rice krispy treat looks REALLY good even though it’s a drawing, doesn’t it?

NON-FAT MOCHA LATTE W/SOY MILK, PLEASE

Yep, this one’s got to go so all you 9-5ers, yuppies, lawyers, servicemen, writers, artists, bums, soccer moms and coffee addicts across the world are going to have to figure out a cheaper alternative and please don’t go skipping over to Micky D’s for their “wonderful” $2 ice coffee because, for real coffee lovers, that stuff absolutely, positively, 100% sucks. But what’s it costing you getting that specialty drink at your local coffee joint 5 days a week? Well, let’s run it down, shall we?

5 X 3.50 = 17.5 X 4 = $70/month

12 months X $70 = $840/year

However, what if you bought a coffee pot to work, set up shop and got a pound of ground coffee from your favorite joint? MUCH CHEAPER!

girls-texting

*this picture implies something naughty so P put it up although I can’t friggin’ figure out what it is

CHECK OUT MY UNLIMITED PHONE PLAN

Yeah, I know you think you’re cool and everything with you’re super-powered unlimited phone plan but, honestly, you can take that plan and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Because many people who have these plans aren’t hard working people who actually need them, I had to pick this because too many morons have chosen to scoop these plans up left and right. Unlimited calling plans (nights, weekends, roaming, long distance, texting, internet, etc.) give you everything but, seriously, folks, how much damn time on the thing do you need? Here’s a little run down:

100 x 12 months = $1200/year

I bet, with a little research and hard work, you can cut that baby in half if you really wanted to. If you don’t and you’re bickering about money, someone needs to smack the ever loving crap out of you.

pizza-delivery-hot

*there was no way I wasn’t putting this pic up

DUDE, THE GAME’S ON TONIGHT! CALL DOMINO’S!

This is for all you dudes who order pizza more than once a week which is over a million of you to say the least. Hard to beat a perfectly baked, beautifully designed pizza pie on game night when the boys are over and you’re hosting. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if anyone’s over, calling for pizza is easy, fun and GOOD. But it cost you an arm and leg and maybe even your ass too.

I looked around and came to a rough estimate of $12.50 for a large one-topping pizza:

12.5 X 2 = $25 X 4 = $100

$100 x 12 months = $1200

All of this adds up over the year no matter how little you may think it comes out to be. Many of you dolts probably have all three making you a cool triple threat but a cool triple threat with empty pockets and that ain’t cool, my friends. That ain’t cool.

Tags: Americans, artists, bums, calling plans, coffee joint, Domino's, Dude, Expensive, ice coffee, internet, latte, lawyers, Let's do lunch, long distance, lunch, Micky D's, nights, one topping pizza, out to lunch, pizza, pizza pie, roaming, servicemen, soccer moms, Starbucks, texting, unlimited plans, weekends, writers, yuppies
Posted in STOP | No Comments »

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: SHARKS!

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

*Discovery’s got “Shark Week” and everybody knows what a shark is, looks like and does but do you really know sharks? Guess which shark kills the most? How about which one is the least picky eater? These things are fun to know, cool to know and even better to use on people to show how much you know!

So, in honor of those murderous fish with the razor sharp teeth, a list…

oceanic-whitetip-shark

OCEANIC WHITE TIP SHARK

Apparently, this bad boy seems to be a tad bit nasty toward humans because it’s got an incredibly powerful sense of smell amongst sharks which is basically saying these are the Kobe Bryant’s in the world of shark scent. However, even worse than that, this is considered the most common shark in the world, probably making it our most frequent visitor. I’ll pass on a trip to the beach today, thank you.

mako-shark

SHORTFIN MAKO SHARK

Looks nice, doesn’t it? Not only one of the fastest shark species, shortfin Mako sharks are also one of the few sharks where the female is bigger than the male. Go figure. As big as these guys look, they only average 5-8 feet in length but have been seen at 12 feet, making them that much scarier. Don’t forget this is a damn good fish to eat too should you ever see it on sale at the local market, pick it up, throw that bad boy on the grill and get ready for seafood heaven. Yes, it’s that good.

tiger-shark-eat-bird

TIGER SHARK

You have to admit that’s a cool picture, right? Also, at family reunions for sharks, this is the one nobody has to worry about feeding. Tiger sharks will eat ANYTHING. Aside from the usual fish and seafood, Tiger sharks have been found with the following in their stomachs: goat hooves, dog bones, tin cans, trash bags, license plates, batteries, bicycle tires and of course, human remains. Hey, at least they’re not prejudice in what they eat.

bull-shark

BULL SHARK

Here’s where me and the Discovery Channel disagree. They have the bull shark at #1, something I absolutely refused to do knowing the baddest son of a bitch shark on the planet should be there instead. But, being fair, bull sharks are extremely dangerous and very well known for attacking humans. What goes, Mr. Bull Shark? Basically, it’s quite simple. For one, bull sharks are the only known shark that can survive in freshwater, known for swimming up to 70 miles upstream. Another little element that makes them prone to attacking us: they can swim very effectively in shallow water, hence, many attacks close to shore. Just so you know, the way to avoid this would be to skip the beach.

great-white-mouth-open

GREAT WHITE SHARK

One of the biggest, baddest, scariest, deadliest and most dangerous animals on our planet Earth, the great white average lengths between 12-16 feet but there have been 21-23 footers recorded. You know, for me, I don’t even want to see a two footer. This is the number one killer among sharks as far as human death tallies go, however, very rarely does the great white attack a person on purpose. When swimming, we look like seals from underneath and our subject to attacks that way. Either way, it can often be a fatal blow or at least resulting in a severed limb and an unspeakable amount of stitches if you make it through.

great-white-kayak1

*A few things to remember:

1. We kill thousands upon thousands more sharks than sharks kill humans but then again, violence seems to be the human way, no matter what the cost

2. If you really never want to get bitten by a shark…

DON’T SWIM IN THE OCEAN!!!

shark_attack

Tags: baddest, bigger females, bird, Bull Shark, DANGEROUS, deadliest, Discovery, eats anything, fast, freshwater, Great White Shark, Kobe Bryant, least picky, meanest, most common shark, ocean, Oceanic White Tip Shark, planet Earth, sense of smell, shark, Shark Week, sharks, Shortfin Mako Shark, Tiger Shark
Posted in POP | No Comments »

STOP…BUYING THIS CRAP

Thursday, February 5th, 2009

*so the economy is in the dumps, a huge recession cloud is over our heads and the good folks around the world are going ape shit trying to figure out what to do and when it will get better. So I came up with some ideas for all us to help push the global economy back up to the positive side, the main one being that we can cut down on spending our money on stupid shit

LUXURY CARS

bmw5_series_smal

*a nice car is only nice when you can actually afford it, not just drive it

You’d be shocked how many times I pass by apartment complexes with BMW’s, Mercedez, Porsches, Lexus’ and Cadillacs parked in the lots. If you’re such a big baller, Mr. Pimp, why the hell don’t you have a cheaper car parked in the driveway of a…HOUSE?!

This is probably my favorite “stupid shit” item people spend money on because it’s a lot of money, it’s done strictly to look good and seems to put LOTS of people in the hole. There’s nothing wrong with a car and nothing wrong with a nice car. But there is something wrong if you have a $30K car and you’re still living in an apartment. That’s just DUMB.

TICKETMASTER & LIVE NATION

ticketmaster livenationlogo

*this merger could prove to be the Anti-Christ for music fans

Yeah, apparently these two officially merged two days ago, making things even worse for music fans and concert lovers. Basically, by merging, the two conglomerates seem to taking a shot at monopolizing live music.

For you fans who are actually still buying tickets to live concerts, I have just one question for you:

What the hell is wrong with you?

First off, do you realize that many times, Ticketmaster is completely manipulating the ticket prices because, well, sometimes you try getting tickets to a Springsteen concert on the Ticketmaster website, for example, and then it redirects you to another ticket site that they own where the tickets you’re seeking at face value have now gone from their $55 face value price to the $80-200 range.

This is so criminal and corrupt that even Springsteen, who makes a gazillion dollars from touring, absolutely blasted Ticketmaster for redirecting his fans to a site that made them pay more than face value. However, if you do it, my friends, YOU are the fool.

QUIZNO’S

quiznos

*Want to save money? Go to Subway instead.

Mmmm…Toasty! Kiss my ass with that toasty crap. Toasty, hot, warm, crispy, who cares? Want to make things easy for your American customers?

STOP MAKING US PAY $10 FOR A LARGE SANDWICH

Okay, so the meat there is good when it’s warmed up but their deli meat is disgusting and their vegetables are like the L.A. Clippers compared to Subways vegetables which are more along the lines of the L.A. Lakers.

But hey, YOU also have to just stop visiting Quizno’s, no matter what. Sandwiches SHOULD NOT be more than $8 for a large sandwich with chips and a drink, such as Subway offers. At Quizno’s, that exact deal is probably $10-11. Ridiculous.

DON’T BUY ANY MORE SANDWICHES FROM QUIZNO’S

CRAPPY HOME TEAMS

knicks1 redskins2

I’m using the New York Knicks and Washington Redskins as examples for this one because, did you know, that both teams sell out their games?

ALL THE TIME!

THEY’RE BACKED UP FOR A FEW SEASONS!

Yep, in this horrible economy, fans are still attending Redskins and Knicks games and selling out the stadium so there’s no lack of love for those two franchises.

But, c’mon, you fools: THE KNICKS AND REDSKINS S-U-C-K

It’s one thing if your team is good. Then, you want to go to a game, fine. No matter what you pay, I believe it’s worth it for your favorite team when they’re good enough to make it past the first round of the playoffs, something the Knicks and Redskins don’t do. In fact, they don’t make the playoffs very often anymore.

Yet, people keep buying tickets to watch subpar teams perform horribly night in and night out just because you’re a…fan?

Hey, stupid, guess why your pocket’s empty?

BECAUSE YOU SPENT ALL THAT MONEY TO WATCH A TEAM THAT SUCKS

STOP BUYING TICKETS FOR CRAPPY TEAMS

redskins-cheerleader

*now if the Redskins cheerleaders go topless, that’s worth season tickets and I don’t care if they never win a game again

Tags: BMW, Cadillac, Expensive, Lexus, luxury cars, Mercedez, Porsche, Stop buying these things
Posted in STOP | No Comments »

Newer Entries »

Don't Think Like Everyone Else

Categories

Tags