Rally on, Mr. Market, RALLY ON! Well, at least it was fun while it lasted. Three straight weeks of gains topped off with last Friday’s market losing 148 points or 1.87%. Not terrible since that damn thing kicked major ass last Monday, gaining 497 points or 6.8%. What’s that spell: V-O-L-A-T-I-L-E.

But does the three week gain mean anything? How much it means is up to the guys who have their big degrees and big paychecks to claim they know the answers. Unfortunately for those geniuses, they still don’t know shit. Analysts, researchers, economists are very smart people. Very, very smart. But they don’t know more than you, they don’t know more than me and they don’t know what they think they know about the market. They’re just a bunch of dudes who know a lot of numbers and can write a good report on them. In short, they’re smart asses. 

*Another great picture. Whoever designed this is brilliant!

Statistically speaking, according to the majority of these experts, this recent bull rally is really just a “bear market rally”. So, going with that theory, this “bear market rally” should be ending very soon. Soon as in last Friday thus starting a brand new bear market tomorrow, on Monday. So, what’ll be? In honor of Saturday Night Live’s Super Fans, we must ask,  

“Are we taking da Bears or are we takin’ da Bulls?”

Seems like an easy question these days. Everyone’s going nuts over what could be over 700,000 job cuts in the month of March when the jobs data gets released this Friday. If it’s worse than expected the Bears are attacking with machine guns. If it’s better than expected, the Bulls could hold their ground and reinforce their current attack with another missle rally upward. It could happen.

Point is, something completely one-sided will take effect. Either the bears kick ass or the bulls. Trust me, either way, it won’t be an even week. Might not even be two or three. Something’s happening right now, on a Sunday night, all around the world that none of us little investors know about. But it’s a’happenin’. It’s a mystery as to what it is but it involves money and lots of it to be precise. 

Anyhow, bear or bull, war or not, there’s stocks out there worth a good look. However, there’s many that aren’t. Here are a few I’ve noticed that just look bad. In short, they suck.

Warner Music Group (WMG) 

It’s not WMG’s fault that music is officially dead from a corporate standpoint. If it was alive, Warner would be just fine. See, most artists got smart and are now taking the DIY (doing it yourself) directiont. Basically, artists have been completely cutting out the middleman (Warner, Universal, Sony) and making lots of dough doing it. Thank yourself, the artists and the Web for taking down the evil empire of Big Music. Great job, ya’ll.

Playboy Enterprises Inc (PLA)

All guys have a special place in their heart for Hugh Hefner and Playboy but there may be a possibility that the once greatest adult entertainment company in the world could be done. Online porn has wiped out most of the big adult companies and will continue to do so unless the bigger companies can give the fans of that industry something worth their while that doesn’t cost $40. Charging that dough for DVD’s is ridiculous when the rest of the porn these people are watching online is free. Reconsider your business plan, Hugh.

Blockbuster Inc (BBI)

I might have mentioned before that it seems everyone has put a Stopbuster to their Blockbuster. Remember when it was always a Blockbuster night? I would hit up Blockbuster myself every Saturday night for a movie until I realized my wallet was empty every time I left with a new movie. I started realizing the mom and pop shop down the street was giving you a day less for half the price so you know what I did. Then, Netflix came along and the rest is history.

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STOP SAYING THAT: BRANGELINA

“The tv’s turned into Brangelina
But I’m simply no fangelina
Cuz I’ve gotten so sick of Brangelina
That I just wanna slap ‘em with my handgelina”

God, am I sick of these two bratty, annoying, pompous, self-serving celebrity douches. Angelina Jolie the gorgeous actress with looks that are the envy of all women and Brad Pitt, the equally gorgeous actor with the looks that are the envy of all men. Together, they seem to be the envy of everyone except those that actually have this thing called A LIFE.

These two have become so completely full of themselves that they were scrutinized for being completely standoffish and cold with everyone at this year’s Academy Awards. In the world of Hollywood that made you super celebrities, that’s a no-no. A BIG NO-NO.

“We’re legally bound to our children, not to each other, and I think that’s the important thing.” -Angelina Jolie

Angelina, STOP SAYING THAT!

And Brangelina: KISS MY FAT HAIRY WHITE ASS!

Not only are you an absolute fake for humanity, the fact that you constantly throw your efforts for humanity in our faces is even more of a disgrace. Listen, just because you’ve got three kids with different ethnic backrounds doesn’t make you saint. In fact, it makes you look like even more of an asshole and an even bigger fake.

If you’re such a humanist, how about quitting your celebrity lifestyle altogether to travel the world helping at risk youths by donating ALL OF YOUR MONEY AND BRAD’S MONEY to those poor, distraught countries you so like to visit? No? Didn’t think so. And isn’t it interesting and a little telling that people like Brangelina create people like Octomom?

You’ll notice Octo-mom (Nadya Suleman) has done everything in her power to look like Angelina Jolie, perhaps so she can catch her own Brad Pitt and possibly become Octolina. I can see that happening. I’ll say this: I like Octo-mom A LOT MORE than Brangelina. Sure, I’m paying for Octo-mom and her kids just like you, but I live amongst many people who have kids too early, have too many kids in general, or just shouldn’t have any kids at all. But what can you do? These people will always live amongst you. ALWAYS. That, we cannot control. Brangelina, on the other hand, we have complete control over. All you have to do is just turn off the television set.

Also, let’s get a REAL picture of Brangelina’s REAL baby

*Whoever created this picture is GENIUS!!!

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Everyday I’m going to try (I emphasize try, by the way) to put up an inspirational quote that’s a little inspiration and definitely in your face.

WARNING: I MAY BE BRASH

TODAY’S STOP POP CULTURE-ISM

“Don’t be an asshole.”

*This is an asshole

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BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: BADGER VS WOLVERINE

I thought it’d be a good Battle of the Beasts to pit two mascots of two very recognized universities against one another. In honor of the Wisconsin Badgers and Michigan Wolverines, this one’s for you!

“Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” – UHF

BADGER (Taxidea taxus-American badger)

SIZE: 2-2.5 FT  9-16 LBS

Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the badger, ferret and wolverine too because they’re all part of the same family, Mustelidae. Known throughout the world for their incredible ferocity, this family of intense mammals is NOT to be messed with. Ferrets and weasels don’t tend to have the attitude problems of their cousin, the badger but screwing with any member of this family would probably serve you wrong.

The American badger can be found in the central and western parts of our country and throughout all of central and southwestern Canada and British Columbia. They can also be found in Mexico where the locals call them “tejon”. Their colorings are usually of the black, gray and white blend, some more colorful then others.

In regards to eating, the badger likes to prey on the little mammals that it lives with such as gophers, ground squirrels, deer mice, various rat species, voles, prairie dogs, marmots, lizards, snakes, amphibians and even birds. THE BADGER LIKES TO EAT!!! Basically, the badger was built with an enormous pair of front claws, enabling it burrow for food. Here’s the coolest fact of all: Badgers and coyotes have formed a hunting team in the wild, the coyote chasing quicker mammals above ground and then allowing the badger to dig them out when they retreat underground. It is a perfectly precise operation that leaves their prey no room to live. Nice teamwork, guys.

For those of you that don’t already know, badgers are absolutely livid in the wild when approached. They back down from NOTHING, including much larger mammals such as wolves and bears. Should you find this hard to believe, you’re free to test a wild badger if you can find one. But if you’ve ever heard stories about the badgers and their steaming temper, well, it’s as true as can be. 

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!

WOLVERINE (Gulo gulo)

SIZE: 2-3 FT  20-60 LBS

Although you may be thinking X-Men here, we’re discussing the real live actual living wolverine, not Wolverine, the super hero with the metal claws. No, this is the real deal here, folks. The wolverine does live amongst you, although they tend to liken themselves to isolated and colder northern regions of the United States, Canada, Russia, China and Mongolia. So, fortunately for us, if you don’t like the cold too much, you probably won’t ever have to encounter a wolverine.

Sadly, these mean little guys are very sought out for their fur because, unlike many animals, a wolverine’s coat is damn near water resistant, meaning it can fend off frost very well. Unfortunately, hunters know this and target them because, as you know, hunters are a bunch of greedy pricks.

Now check this out: wolverines have a molar tooth at the back of the mouth that is rotated 90 degrees toward the inside of their mouth! This helps them tear chunks of meat off of carrion that might be frozen solid and it also allows them to crush bones where they can feed on the marrow. YUMMY!

Now on to the fun part: Wolverine and humans. While wolverines haven’t been recorded to kill a person, they are M-E-A-N. And ferocious. And mean. And even more ferocious. This is an animal known to adamantly defend its kill against the likes of bears, wolves and cougars. Also. wolverines have been known to have the balls to try to steal a kill from a bear but unfortunately this usually will result in a wolverine’s death. Sure, wolverines are nasty but a bear is just as nasty and a whole lot bigger.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…At the same size, this is a good match. Badgers have a powerful set of claws and big teeth but wolverines are immensely powerful and brutal, their willingness to defend their kill or steal a kill from much larger animals being something to take notice in. In a battle to the death, the wolverine outlasts the badger but unfortunately crawls away and lays down to die. 

WOLVERINE WINS…BUT DIES

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Whine, whine, whine. That’s all we ever seem to do, isn’t it. People are a fickle bunch. Never happy, never satisfied, always complaining about something. I’m a HUGE complainer myself and everyone knows it so I am not excluded here.

The Whinery: March 25th, 2009

“Dude, I’ve got no job, no money and no lady.”

Get a job, it’ll give you money and you still might not have a lady. Those things are expensive.

“If I only had a buncha money, I’d be the happiest son of a bitch alive.”

Some of the most miserable people I ever met were filthy rich. They were filthy pricks too.

“Why can’t we all just get along?”

Because we just can’t. We’re human, stupid.

“Why does traffic suck so bad?”

Because too many people drive like assholes. But traffic does suck.

“Why do the good guys always finish last?”

Because sometimes the good guys are douche bags and the bad guys are more like Joe Cool.

“This country sucks!”

It’s a free country as in you’re free to leave should you feel free to do so. Shithead.

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