Scanning my memory along the thousands of terrible movies the world of cinema has delivered to us in my lifetime, I decided to stick with the times and lash out on a recent flick that seemed to garner WAY TOO MUCH attention for a film that didn’t really deserve it. Films don’t deserve unnecessary praise when they’re just a watered down version of a movie before them that was way more original and just better all around. So, this time around, I decided to take teenage vampires to task because the love they’ve gotten recently is a little too “MTV” for me. And I don’t do MTV because MTV sucks.

TWILIGHT (Summitt Entertainment 2008)

Twilight started as a novel by Stephenie Meyer and became the teen vampire book became an enormous success with a bunch of different spin offs of the original. The wildly successful movie is its most prosperous project to date, taking in over $190 million in box office revenue. 

It tells the story of Isabella Swan (Bella) whose migration from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington entails the usual teen angst until she gets her life saved by a teen vampire who stops a moving van with his bare hands in the parking lot of their high school. Turns out Edward Cullen is a vampire, along with his family however, unlike most vampires, Edward and his blood-thirsty family drink the blood of animals rather than humans as their vampirish race should be doing. 

More stuff happens and twists get thrown into the whole ordeal to provide fans with a vague and unoriginal story usually reserved for movies like this. I’m not a fan of the book so I could care less how accurate the movie is in relation to the book but apparently, it’s a far cry from the novel in a bad way. But that’s usually the case with books taking a chance at the silver screen.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

THE LOST BOYS (Warner Bros. 1987)

Funny how this 1987 horror/comedy movie about cool teenaged vampires was also about a teenager originally from Arizona who moves over to the west coast, this time to sunny California. Jason Patric plays Michael but this movie has tons and tons of good actors such as Diane Wiest, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, teen superstars of the 1980′s. The cast alone sends it way passed Twilight in the “which is better” discussion so let’s put that to rest right off the bat.

As for originality, Twilight doesn’t stand a chance against The Lost Boys because not only is the actual story more creative and unique, the characters themselves are all so different, they each have their own little way of doing things, making each of them distinct. Basically, the coastal down of Santa Carla, California is infested by a local gang that, in all actuality, is really a gang of vampires with a twist. It’s so much like the normal gang activity that they even have an initiation rite for Michael (Patric).

To make this easy on you, get on your Netflix and get this bad boy sent to your house. Either that, or hit up the local video store and grab this on DVD. If you like any or all teenaged vampire movies, it’s damn near impossible for this one to disappoint. If it does, it’s probably a problem with your head, not the movie.

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I have a good friend, bless her heart, that is terrified of snakes. T-E-R-R-F-I-E-D. It’s so bad, in fact, that when she comes over, my fiance and I can’t even watch a show on television with snakes or any reptile for that matter. The point I’m making? People are really scared shitless of reptiles so I figured it would be a good subject. Although I like reptiles, I understand why people wouldn’t like them.

So, for those scaly, beady-eyed reptilians, a list…

FER-DE-LANCE (Bothrops asper)

This is one of those snakes that is so feared that it’s known in the snake world as the “ultimate pitviper”, meaning that in a family of other really poisonous serpents, this is one of the worst. It’s known to kill the most people in Central and South America, luckily for us, the only part of the world it roams. By the way, you have a light stomach, you should skip the next few pictures.

DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED TWICE NOW

*fer-de-lance victim

SALTWATER CROCODILE (Crocodylus porosus)

For a reptile that lives over 50 or 60 years, this is one old bastard you do not want to be near. First off, it is ENORMOUS. Salties (the Australian term) can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh 3000 pounds. And don’t forget that evil grin filled with a bunch of gnarly teeth. Not only is it the largest and heaviest reptile on planet Earth, this bad boy and his family have been around so long, they used to eat with the dinosaurs. I’m glad these guys mostly confined to Australia, Papua New Guinea and parts of Southeast Asia. Watching them on television works just fine for me, thank you.

*this sign cracks me up

KOMODO DRAGON (Varanus komodoensis)

Thank heavens that the Komodo dragon only dwells on a few tiny islands around Indonesia because it is big, nasty and loves rotten meat. Most of the times, the dragon feeds on carrion (dead animals) but they’re known to prey on large mammals such as deer and boar with a stealth ambush, going right for the throat or underside of the animal. Far and away the biggest lizard in the word, it ranges being between 6-9 1/2 feet and up to 150 pounds. Their scariest attribute is the bacteria in their saliva that contains so many different kinds of deadly bacteria, including the one that causes sepsis, it’s best to just stay away from those small islands and stay away from Komodo dragons altogether.

It would be fun to have one of these in the backyard if you had the room. Imagine having company and inviting them to see your pet dragon. Of course, no one would ever believe you. But, once you took them out back, wouldn’t their reactions be great? I don’t know, just me thinking crazy, I guess.

*sometimes I think we’re sharing the planet with animals and not the other way around

ALLIGATOR SNAPPING TURTLE  (Macrochelys temminckii)

Does it surprise you more that there’s a dangerous turtle in the United States or the fact that it can possibly bite your hand off? Quite possibly the ugliest living thing the planet has to offer, the alligator snapping turtle makes its home in the southeastern U.S. in the Mississippi River and all of its surrounding bodies of water. These turtles may not be long but they can weigh up to 200 pounds and have a nasty bite to back it up. Though they’re not deadly, should you be wading in the swamps of the south and bump into one of these, you could very well lose a few toes.

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