This week I’m attacking one hour crime dramas that all the networks seem to have a few of. Why? Because they’re a bunch of bullshit and I want to raise the awareness of all bullshit out there in our world. What’s a world without bullshit and what’s bullshit without the world? I’m not exactly what that philosophy means but it sure was damn fun to write!

CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION

CSI is such a big show that after its original CSI in Las Vegas kept racking up great ratings, the network and the show’s producers decided CSI wasn’t good enough in just Sin City. No, CSI then took over Miami and New York and will probably make its way to another major city before it’s all said and done. What happens in the show is probably something I should note here but I don’t know what exactly happens in the show other than that its involves the Crime Scene Investigation lab of Las Vegas. However, I have read many times over that the show fails to portray the reality of what happens in a real CSI lab which really isn’t a shock since most network dramas are marred by scene after scene of, you guessed it, BULLSHIT.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

THE FIRST 48

Want to know what one of the greatest reality television shows of all time is? Yep, it’s called The First 48, it’s on A&E Thursday night’s at 10pm and will knock you off your ass. If you like cops, you’ll LOVE The First 48. In fact, it’s even better. MUCH MUCH BETTER. It follows a group of detectives during the first 48 hours (hence, the title) of a murder investigation. And yeah, these are REAL murder investigations, not some made up horseshit story line by a screenwriter with a quirky imagination. What makes it so fascinating is how determined the detectives are to catch the killers as well as how dramatic the twists and turns of the actual investigation can be. One minute they think they’ve got their guy and after interviewing the suspect, the entire case can take a 180 and take off in a completely different direction. This is one of those shows that you will find impossible not to like. VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED. And that already makes it cool!

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Well, this one was a little difficult to do since it took a little time rummaging through the past to find some things we all liked. The first one was especially hard since it’s completely politically incorrect but that makes it even more fun. Besides, P.C. or not P.C., does anyone really give a shit? If you’re at this site, you probably don’t.

PEE WEE HERMAN

Sometimes we just have to forget that he went into an adult movie theater in Sarasota, Florida and felt the need to jerk off in public. Hey, a lot of guys get that urge to choke the chicken but most of them have the ability to realize it’s probably a better idea to stroke it at home, in private, where no one else is watching. However, Pee Wee was a little different in a lot of ways and I guess masturbation was one of them as well. But let’s forget all the self-pleasure tactics Pee Wee used. Let’s remember all the good things he gave us. Remember, Pee Wee Herman was one of the most loved and entertaining children’s characters during the time and you couldn’t flip through the television channels without catching a glimpse of Pee Wee having a blast with his weirdo friends in the Playhouse. Also, Pee Wee’s laugh is absolutely classic, a laugh NO ONE will ever be able to duplicate again. Another thing, after the whole negative public masturbation thingy, Paul Reubens (actor who plays Pee Wee Herman) appeared on that year’s MTV Music Awards as Pee Wee and looked at the audience and said, “Heard any good jokes lately?” That shows some serious balls. We HAVE to bring back Pee Wee. Sign the petition at your local grocery store: BRING BACK PEE WEE

PINK PANTHER (CARTOON)

When I hear The Pink Panther, the furthest thing from my mind is that stupid movie, especially the new ones starring Steve Martin. The original movies were much better, much funnier, and had much more substance. However, as I mentioned before, I really don’t care about the movies. No, I’m a Pink Panther nut and I’m referring to the actual Pink Panther, the cartoon character. How a panther that is pink can be so pimp is beyond me. If you get a moment, download or find a way to check out an episode of the Pink Panther cartoon. First of all, you can’t beat that theme song composed by Henry Mancini. Second, you can’t beat the Pink Panther’s walk which is two steps to the left and two steps to right, not one and one like the rest of us. And notice how the Pink Panther always seems to be cool, calm and collected. I look at him and the only thing playing in my mind is Jay Z singing, “We doin’, big pimpin’, spendin’ cheese.”

ARCADES

Used to be there were at least 4-5 video game arcades in each part of town, kids and teenagers having wars over which ones were better. You had your gigantic arcades that could fit hundreds and even over a thousand kids and you also had your cozy, mom and pop arcades up the street where the local neighborhood boys would find themselves everyday after school and all throughout the weekends. Believe it or not, these arcades were a safe haven for boys (and girls too) who weren’t big on sports, liked girls but couldn’t get one, and only had a friend or two that also liked video games. Mostly, it was for a normal boy who wanted to play some games and have a little fun when there was nothing else to do. Arcades were perfect for this. Also, every arcade usually had the owner or manager on site supervising everything just in case the boys in the place started acting squirrelly. I really can’t figure out what happened to all the video game arcades but I’m thinking personal video game consoles blew them way out of the water and kids stopped wanting to leave the house. It’s also the reason kids are overweight and lazy these days. Just getting off your ass to walk up the street to an arcade was ten times more exercise then kids are doing in 2009. BRING BACK THE ARCADES!

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MARCH 23, 2009

TODAY’S LESSON FROM THE DON:

“You win one, you lose one, it all evens out. Then why the fuck bother to do anything? Win two, and fuck everyone else.”

Just win, baby. GO RAIDERS!!!

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I thought this would be a really fun little section to pass time. You might stop, and well, look at something. BTW: That would be the whole point of this stupid little section as well.

*Silly shit. Just stupid, silly, nonsensical shit.

*A morbid and disgusting reminder of what happens when a camel spider bite is left untreated. BTW: camel spiders are in Middle Eastern deserts, yet another simple hurdle our troops after to jump over.

*This is about as perfect of an ass as you can find. AMEN!!!

*This picture almost made me piss my pants. In fact, I need to be excused.

*Must be hard being a leper. Poor son of a bitch can barely scratch his ass!

*Your new hit television horror series: MY DEAD DOG.

*Spiderman. Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can.

*The sign on my front lawn reads: BEWARE MOTHERFUCKERS!

*What a great idea. Brilliant! Genius! Revolutionary!

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Well, Friday marked the first two week stretch in the last year where the stock market put up gains rather than the atrocious and mind boggling losses constantly coming out week after week. So, at least for this one moment, let’s give a hand to the market for finally managing some positive gains…FINALLY!

However, let’s be honest: DO WE BELIEVE? Are we really supposed to think the market is on a comeback? Should we truly believe that the bears have been scared away and are plodding off to hibernation?

In short, probably not. Those bears will probably return and the bulls may not have the energy to fight them off yet again. However, don’t think the bears will last too much longer. 2009 could be their final hurrah before the bulls start kicking some ass and sending the bears back into hibernation for good. 

That being said, we’re still sitting 200 points above 7000 and that isn’t great proof that the market has changed for the better. That the market had been down to the 6500 range says something about investors’ resiliency but it’s also says even more about their volatility. The question is who really started this volatile equity market that currently hovers over us in the form of a dark, almost black cloud dropping more and more rain with the occasional burst of sunshine?

The answer is who knows and who cares? Just tell yourself it’s the government and it will prevent you from trying to discover an answer that just doesn’t exits. At least the government is a good answer and one everyone can relate to, right? So stick with that one. Also, watch what the hell is going on around you.

Are their people still fighting through traffic inside your local Apple Store?

Still people in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru?

Are people still throwing them back (drinking beer for you squares)?

Are people still doing it (aka screwing, fucking, sexual intercourse for you squares)?

Are people still smoking like chimneys?

If you’re still seeing these things in your daily life then worry shouldn’t be too much of a concern. When every McDonald’s is gone, you can start to worry because chances are teh world will be falling into the ocean soon after that. But, until that apocalyptic day, start considering stocks of this nature to buy and hold for the future. After all, people are people. And don’t you ever forget that.

APPLE INC (AAPL)

iLike your iPod, iBaby. How about we iGo to my iPad and so I can show you my iMac and we can do our iThing like iPeople should be iDoing? Get it? I don’t either. 

McDONALD’S (MCD)

I’m lovin’ it, you’re lovin’ it, everyone’s lovin’ it. Any questions?

DIAGEO (DEO)

Crown Royal. Guiness Stout. Smirnoff vodka. Johnnie Walker. Captain Morgan. Jose Cuervo. Bailey’s Original Irish Cream. Tanqueray gin. And money. Diageo owns lots and lots of money.

CHURCH & DWIGHT CO. (CHD)

Arm & Hammer. Orange Glo. Brillo. OxiClean.Orajel. Arrid (a home pregnancy test). And, of course, the celebrity of condoms, Trojan. People do a lot of screwing here in the states and people buy a lot of condoms. Trojan is a real warrior. 

ALTRIA GROUP (MO)

Altria Group is Philip Morris and vice versa. Altria Group owns 100% of Philip Morris. That means Altria owns 100% of Philip and all of Philip’s shit. Smokers are still smoking. You figure it out.

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