Today’s edition is a nasty one, a filthy one and a scary one all rolled into one. Parasites, and we’re not talking your relatives or that leech of a friend who’s always living off your crumbs. Nope. Today, we discuss the Real McCoy, something you may not be able to handle. Read at your own discretion.

WARNING: YOU MAY FIND SOME OF THE IMAGES VERY DISTURBING

Damn I love writing that!

TAPEWORM (Class: Cestoda)

I used the image above because it perfectly captured the horror of the tapeworm. And yes, it will come out of your butt, someone else’s butt, or another animal’s butt should it feel like it wants to come out. See, the tapeworm likes the intestines, something us humans don’t quite care for. Making matters even more appetizing, beef tapeworms can get up to 4o feet long (that’s not a typo) and other species of tapeworm have been known to reach 100 feet (also not a typo). The most disgusting part? Many people don’t even know they’re infected by the tapeworm until segments of its body come out when you take a crap. Sometimes, because these worms move around so much in your intestines, they can be seen writhing around in a person’s underwear. In fact, it’s been recorded during parts of history that people would purposely ingest a tapeworm to help them lose weight. PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUKE. THANK YOU.

ROUNDWORM (Phylum: Nematoda)

Well, that picture above must be one of those special times when size does matter, although bigger probably isn’t better this time. The disease (a nasty one) is called elephantiasis, a condition that involves the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. It’s caused by a few species of roundworm that are transmitted into their victims through mosquitos. So, not only is this little parasite a mean bastard, it also hitches itself on to another contaminated little creature that we don’t like. They’re like the animal kingdom’s evil twosome. Also, something else to take not of: There are over 80000 species of roundworm, 15000 of which are parasitic. YIKES.

TICK (Arachnids Order: Ixodida)

The infamous tick is our little Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever carrying friend that can make our lives a living hell. Most common are the dog ticks, probably the one tick you’ve seen in your life, possibly on your dog, your cat or maybe even yourself. Hell, I had a tick on my neck when I was about ten years old after my buddy and I were playing in the woods behind his house. It sucked but it sure felt good when my friend’s mom burned that bloated little bastard off my neck with a match. I looked at it dying on the ground and stomped it, sending it to tick hell. There’s ticks all over the world and unfortunately, our American tick species, the dog tick, the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick are all potentially dangerous for spreading diseases, so, in short, WATCH OUT!!!

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This one’s for my El Salvadorian buddies back at my old job. I just wanted to make them proud and promise to do as I told them: “Write sumthin’ bout the fine chicas, ese”. ‘Nuff said, fellas.

$$$MONEY$$$ – JENNIFER LOPEZ

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo on the street and with the kids and on MTV and all the other silly shit. Known to do whatever it takes to get to the top, including screwing anyone over who dares to stand in her way. Married some dancer once, divorced him because he probably wasn’t pulling in much loot. Tries to marry Ben Affleck until one of them realized how big the other’s ego was (or they both realized this) and broke it off but was able to hook up with latin pop singer Marc Anthony (what kind of Latin name is that?!) who she’s currently still with although there’s always reported problems in the marriage. Finally got pregnant with twins so her blood can continue torturing the people around her for years to come. That’s Jennifer Lopez. Or J-Lo. Or who gives a shit?

HONEY: VANESSA DEL RIO

Vanessa Del Rio was one of the first big porn stars, albeit a Hispanic porn star as well. She’s appeared in over 100 porno films and is still recognized as one of the greats among porn insiders today. Also, Vanessa has done her share of work in front of the camera in the public eye as well, playing herself in many music videos and appearing in shows such as NYPD Blue. Anyways, apparently she’s someone special in the porn industry.

PLAYBOY BUNNY: MARIA CHECA

Maria Checa was a gorgeous, Columbian model and actress who landed in Florida with her parents when she was young. She accomplished many things as a young woman, one being an artist attending the Maryland Institute College of Art. Of course, Miss Checa then went on to become playmate of the month in August 1994, turning her future into what appeared to be destiny. But poor Maria unfortunately got caught with the wrong honcho and her boyfriend helped get her in trouble for insider trading. Sad story, eh?

AND THE WINNER IS….

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo. This was a tough one for me. However, Maria Checa looks a tad skinny and I don’t like her taste in men. Vanessa Del Rio just ain’t my type and seems, well, a little used. Also, she’s 57! J-Lo, by default, but also due to extraordinary hotness when she was younger, takes the victory this round.

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