Thursday, March 12th, 2009
I thought I’d give a big shout out to Lane Bryant models overall. For those of you guys that are going to call these girls fatties and pigs and cows and whatever just remember one thing:
YOU WISH YOU WERE BANGING ONE OF THEM!
*even the plus size models look bitchy and pissed off
*your gluteus maximus is BANGIN’!
*a PLUS SIZE 3some everyone should be able to enjoy!
*ah, the lady in red looks nice today
*how many guys want to be her Valentine?
Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
This week I had to go with a show that THE ENTIRE WORLD seemed to be bitching about last week. Hopefully you’ll agree with some of the things I have to say. If not, your opinion means nothing to me.
THE BACHELOR (ABC)
Here’s a story, of a guy named Jason…
Who dumped a girl named Molly…
So he could propose to a hot chick named Melissa 
But do they live happily ever after?
If you watch The Bachelor, you’re probably a chick, or gay, or possibly a gay man who thinks he’s straight but everyone else in the free world knows you’re gay. Either way, the Bachelor is an ENORMOUSLY popular ABC show that many women can’t seem to turn their eyes away from. I had to do this because last week damn near every chick in America couldn’t shut up about what Jason (the Bachelor) did to Melissa after dumping Molly when he proposed to her and then wound up breaking off the engagement because he still had feelings for the broad that had lost he originally dumped First of all, let me just say this:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Not only do I not give a shit, but it REALLY makes me laugh when things are so obvious and yet, people act like there was some kind of dramatic twist here. First off, to cast away the notion that this show isn’t fixed to a certain degree is a heavy indication something is probably wrong with you and how you think. Unfortunately, fixed reality shows are part of the biz and to deny the truth is just good old fashioned bullshit.
To add another thing, I’d like to point out that I didn’t watch a second of this show but was relayed the news by my fiance who actually can’t stand the show but was seemingly grabbed in by the intensity of the final episode just like every other broad across the states. But, after seeing a few pictures on the web here, how that man chooses Melissa and then CHANGES HIS MIND for Molly is beyond me and probably every other guy with a swinging dick out there. The Bachelor, as I already knew, SUCKS ASS. But so does the actual bachelor.
“I will choose Melissa.”
“Then I will dump Melissa and go back to Molly.”
The Bachelor could all be called The Big Waste of Time.
WATCH THIS INSTEAD
THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER (Bravo)
Okay, you caught me. Here’s a chick show I actually find myself watching with my fiance on Sunday afternoon or evening when we’re just hanging around. At first, I thought to myself, “here’s another dumb ass reality show about setting people up”, obviously thinking I’d be right way before I’d be wrong. But, this time around, I’m DEAD WRONG.
Hosted by millionaire matchmaker, Patti Stanger, it shows how her business runs its day to day operation, starting with two millionaire men between 30-60, who are given interviews and researched about everything. Yes, EVERYTHING. Patti also HOLDS NOTHING BACK and her super hilarious rants about “men’s penises” are right on the money and no holds barred.
Part of the function of business is screening tons of women to set the millionaires up with to go on dates. The dates are a completely different ball game, the part of the show where you often watch two people talk and laugh but there’s NO CHEMISTRY because it’s often a greasy old dude trying to pull a hot skirt at least twenty years younger. Also, you know how you’ve always hated rich people because you think they’re uppity and snotty and stuck-up and on and on? Well, these dates reassure that theory because many of these guys are complete, certified 100% Grade A DOUCHE BAGS and it’s funny watching them try to play that off. Guess what, douche bag, it doesn’t work.
Getting back to the focal point of the show, however, there’s no better single character on reality television right now than Patti. Don’t argue with me because you’re wrong. She’s such a trip, I watch her as if it’s a stand-up. She’s like a Jewish mother with a South Park mouth and a nose so far up her client’s ass, it’s probably waving at them when they wake up in the morning. But the best part is that she usually says what you’re thinking and has absolutely no remorse. NONE. She’s the star and her employees are characters too. But tune in for Patti. It’s well worth your while. Even if you call me a chick.
*Patti and the gang ready for business
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
Here’s a few more things in the old memory bank I thought they could bring back for us:
CALVIN AND HOBBES
I cried on December 31, 1995, the final day of Bill Watterson’s incredibly memorable and hilarious comic strip, Calvin and Hobbes. Sad day for us all because it was hard finding a strip better than a mischievous and peculiar little seven year old boy named Calvin and his “homicidal, psycho, jungle cat” stuffed animal tiger best friend, Hobbes. Though it was a comic strip, the realities within the strip were very easy to point out from Calvin’s rambunctious personality to the overwhelmed mother and father filled with sarcastic one-liners. Still haven’t found a strip to match Calvin and Hobbes. In fact, I haven’t even come close. Sad. 
MTV MOONMAN & MTV
MTV sucks. I know that, you know that and everyone who has even a small portion of a brain knows that. But there was a time when MTV was the bomb, tuned in to every day by the folks from my generation after a long (or short if you were ditching) day at school. And it used to be that the MTV Moonman would come at the end of EVERY commercial they did to put that MTV flag into the moon as he’s known to do. Also, MTV used to do something: PLAY MUSIC VIDEOS. I always wondered why a cable television network would call itself “Music Television” and the completely move away from music. Sounds a little contradictory, doesn’t it? Well, if you want to know why MTV sucks nowadays, here’s your answer: THERE’S NO MORE MUSIC.
DEADWOOD (HBO)
One of the greatest one hour drama shows I’ve ever seen in my life, Deadwood was so good, I used to be filled with excitement all day Saturday and Sunday because I knew a brand new episode would be airing Sunday night. Filled with cursing, violence and naked women, Deadwood, South Dakota was a made-up name of the town the show took place in during the 1870′s when gold was the number one dream Americans were aiming to find. To give you some stats on the show that you may find appealing or not, depending on what you’re made of: the f-word was said 43 times during the first hour of the show. The f-word was spoken a grand total of 2980 during the total 36 episodes the show ran. BTW: Al Swearengen, the show’s main character, may be the greatest character I’ve ever witnessed in a one hour drama series.
DORITOS GIRL ALI LANDRY
Doritos, in my mind, has one of the best records of all the food product manufacturers as far as consistently putting out a good product with a good flavor that’s just, well, GOOD. So, putting Doritos (Frito-Lay owns the brand) on such a high pedestal means they’ve rarely disappointed. In fact, in the entire history of Doritos, they’ve only made two bad decisions in my opinion: the discontinuing of the Jumpin’ Jack Doritos (one of the greatest and rarest Doritos flavors of all time) and not keeping Doritos girl, Ali Landry, otherwise known as ONE OF THE HOTTEST CHICKS ON EARTH around for longer. Ali is so fine, she made a salty, cheese, ranchy Dorito sexy as hell. Anyone who can make you think sex everytime you eat a Dorito is SMOOOOOOOOOOKIN’ HOT.
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
I decided to go with a new dig here that I think all of us can relate to. How many times have you said “ain’t it funny how…?” Ex: Ain’t it funny how a lot of waiters perk up toward the end of your meal hoping to get a good tip? Also, I thought I’d end it with one “ain’t it sad” because of the whole yin and yang thingy.
Without any further introduction…
Ain’t it funny how Mexican restaurants are always dark and there’s music and it’s supposed to be romantic but for some reason it’s more like a party?
*why doesn’t she ever dance at the Mexican restaurants I go to?
Ain’t it funny how you can get trashed off as much wine and alcohol and hard liquor as you want and run amok, possibly getting in your car and endangering the lives of everyone on the road, including yourself, not to mention how loud and obnoxious and violent you could get and it’d be perfectly legal but you’d get put in handcuffs for smoking a joint and eating a lot of junk food in some cities and states?
*alcohol kills
*marijuana chills
Ain’t it funny how every sports city seems to don a “Beat L.A.” sign but you never see signs like that in L.A.? That’s because people in L.A. have something special. It’s called a life.
*I don’t mind some people doing the “Beat L.A.” chant
Ain’t it funny how everyone dreads moving the clocks forward even though they were just complaining about winter?
*we don’t get this much on the west coast
Ain’t it sad how some of the groups you like aren’t that popular while some of the groups you hate the most are the most popular?
*this is why we need to STOP POP CULTURE
Monday, March 9th, 2009
BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: TIGER SHARK VS GREAT WHITE SHARK
I’ve been waiting on this one since Battle of the Beasts began. I also feel these are just going to keep getting better.
TIGER SHARK (Galeocerdo cuvier)
SIZE: 11-14 FT 850-2000LB
This ain’t your father’s tiger. Coined “the wastebasket of the sea”, the tiger shark will eat, well, anything that looks appetizing which is really just about anything from license plates to bicycle tires. Normally, however, it dines on turtles, seals, smaller sharks, fish, birds, squid and dolphins. Yes, this fish finds Echo the Dolphin quite tasty.
As you can by the stripes on its body that’s where the tiger shark gets its name. It’s also one of the five most dangerous sharks to humans along with the bull, oceanic whitetip, mako and great white. I chose the tiger because it’s the second largest of the man eaters behind the famous great white. By the way, the reason the tiger shark is so dangerous to humans is its extremely aggressive nature connected with the fact that it frequents really populated waters, Hawaii in particular.
DON’T GO FOR A SWIM IN HAWAII!!!
The tiger sharks family members are the lemon, blue and bull sharks, the bull being the only only member of the family that likes to attack us without much remorse. Most of this has to do with the fact that both members of the family like to swim in shallow water.
DON’T SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER EITHER
Here’s a pretty shocking piece of news I read online: largest tiger shark ever caught on record was 23 feet long and over 3000 pounds. Holy shit.
*this man can never be called a wuss ever again
GREAT WHITE SHARK (Carcharodon carcharias)
SIZE: 13-16 FT 1500-2500LB
Remember that part in Pulp Fiction at the end where Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) has a gun on Tim Roth underneath the table and tells him to get out the wallet that has “BAD MOTHERFUCKER” on it? That wallet belongs to this shark.
Known the world over as the most dangerous shark, what’s more important is that it actually is the most dangerous, most deadly shark to prowl the planet’s waters. But, unlike the tiger shark, the great white is all alone. Why? Because it is the last remaining species left in its genus, Carcharodon. Though it may be a loner in genus, it’s got a few family members to look to in case it ever gets lonely in the mako sharks, salmon shark and a European shark called the porbeagle, a rare shark close to extinction.
It’s no surprise that Mr. White doesn’t fool a round when it comes to his waters. Trespass and you may not live. Either way, you’re bound to get bit, whether it’s just your leg that gets taken or your whole life. Scary part about great whites is they’re one of the few sharks that have been discovered all over the world. So don’t think you’re safe. ANYWHERE.
WHO WINS?
THE SAGE SAYS…After circling each other for a few minutes, the tiger shark launches into an aggressive attack mode but the heavier great white shoves him off and descends to the bottom of the ocean where he returns only a few seconds later with a fatal blow from below, its body forming a torpedo with hundreds of teeth that undoes the tiger shark once and for all.
GREAT WHITE SHARK WINS!
Friday, March 6th, 2009
Here to help you out with more things we buy that we don’t need that just empty our wallets.
MAKE IT A BLOCKBUSTER NIGHT
Blockbuster got Blockbusted. I ain’t making it a Blockbuster Night ever again. At $4.50 just to rent one new movie, it’s no surprise a lot of people, including tons of families, traded in their Blockbuster Nights for their Netflix que. It’s a better deal and you don’t even have to move from your. You do have to lift you fingers a bit in order to use the mouse but if you’re that lazy to complain about that, you’ve got some problems you need to work out. Also, telling me I get to keep the movie for four nights is pointless. What the hell do I need the movie four nights for? I pop it in that night and watch it and I’m done. That’s about 24 hours altogether and you’re selling me on four nights? Sheesh.
I’M A PLAYER SO I GOT TO HAVE MY HAT TO THE SIDE
“Gee, Ma, if all those cool, flashy rappers have those nice looking caps tilted to the side, why can’t I?” Well, because, not only are those rappers flossing and fronting and trying to be WAY cooler than they actually are, those rappers are also getting paid major cheddar, chips, scrilla, papers, money or whatever else they may be calling it these days. I just checked out www.lidz.com, one of the largest selling hat chains in the U.S. Checked out some of the Lakers hats and the old school Los Angeles Lakers hat with the light blue Minneapolis Lakers writing style was going for a measly $31.99. Yeah, I definitely did a double take there too. Back in 1993, these kinds of hats were all of $11 and still fit nice and still looked good. Oh, and we didn’t have them leaning off the side of our heads like a bunch of circus retards. And it always strikes me how people like that call handicapped people retards when in fact, maybe they should look in the mirror and reconsider the way they wear their hats. You chumps are just silly. Simply silly.
I HAVE TO BE ORGANIC, RIGHT?
Well, organic is better but you know who shops at Whole Foods? RICH PEOPLE!!! Sure, organic is fun and healthy and, well, organic but damn, it comes with a price. A BIG price. Just so you know, you can get organic at Trader Joe’s for much MUCH cheaper. Whole Foods sells their stuff high because of branding. People see Whole Foods and they think automatically it’s a better and healthier product. Not true. A bag of chips at Whole Foods can be $3-4. That same bag at Trader Joes: $1.80-3. To me, that’s a big difference. If you don’t notice that difference, you’re a fool. Or you have a lot of money. Either way, you’re still a fool for not shopping wisely.
Friday, March 6th, 2009
For some reason, this week, I wanted to make the MONEY part of this segment someone from the political world being that politics in such a focal point of our country right now. Don’t be angry at me.
$$$MONEY$$$
*even though Daddy lost, Daddy’s little girl is pretty cute
MEGHAN McCAIN (JOHN’S DAUGHTER)
You all know I’m a Democrat but you also all know I’m not predjudice to Republicans, especially when they’re hot. Anyways, scouring around, I come across this article on cnn.com written by Meghan about how Daddy’s campaign killed her love life. Apparently, she’s single. Apparently, she knows a bunch of douchey guys with no sacks because if they’re letting a cutie like Meghan slide by, they may just be women dressed as men. Trannies, possibly. You just never know.
HONEY
STORMY DANIELS (SENATOR PORN STAR?)
Stormy as you might know is a porn star. You may have heard her name during election time because her name was thrown around to campaign against a Republican Senator from Louisiana in 2010. Seems that every few years a porn star puts on some clothes and claims to be a politician. Certainly would be interesting having a former porn star as a Senator though. Especially if we could hear them discuss safe sex and teen pregnancy. That’d be awesome! And entertaining.
PLAYBOY BUNNY
INDIA ALLEN (1988 PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR)
Self described “die-hard Republican”, India Allen was 1988′s Playmate of the Year. Maybe Hugh Hefner and his staff lost their eye sight in 1987 and couldn’t see the 1988 playmates of the month very well. Either way, I’d like to know where a white girl like this gets name like India from. There’s certainly nothing saying “India” about her. Also, it turned me off to know that she “loves” cigars. This is probably sexist but the ladies shouldn’t “love” cigars. That’s just nasty.
AND THE WINNER IS…I’m not feeling the Playmate since she’s a die-hard Republican and loves cigars. Stormy Daniels is a porn star possibly running for Senate but she’s a little too t”bleached” for me if you know what I mean. I’m also not huge on redheads who want to be blondes. Meghan is cute and seems sweet even though she’s got that problem with her Daddy being John McCain and all. But MEGHAN McCAIN takes this one.
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
Scanning my memory along the thousands of terrible movies the world of cinema has delivered to us in my lifetime, I decided to stick with the times and lash out on a recent flick that seemed to garner WAY TOO MUCH attention for a film that didn’t really deserve it. Films don’t deserve unnecessary praise when they’re just a watered down version of a movie before them that was way more original and just better all around. So, this time around, I decided to take teenage vampires to task because the love they’ve gotten recently is a little too “MTV” for me. And I don’t do MTV because MTV sucks.
TWILIGHT (Summitt Entertainment 2008)
Twilight started as a novel by Stephenie Meyer and became the teen vampire book became an enormous success with a bunch of different spin offs of the original. The wildly successful movie is its most prosperous project to date, taking in over $190 million in box office revenue.
It tells the story of Isabella Swan (Bella) whose migration from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington entails the usual teen angst until she gets her life saved by a teen vampire who stops a moving van with his bare hands in the parking lot of their high school. Turns out Edward Cullen is a vampire, along with his family however, unlike most vampires, Edward and his blood-thirsty family drink the blood of animals rather than humans as their vampirish race should be doing.
More stuff happens and twists get thrown into the whole ordeal to provide fans with a vague and unoriginal story usually reserved for movies like this. I’m not a fan of the book so I could care less how accurate the movie is in relation to the book but apparently, it’s a far cry from the novel in a bad way. But that’s usually the case with books taking a chance at the silver screen.
WATCH THIS INSTEAD
THE LOST BOYS (Warner Bros. 1987)
Funny how this 1987 horror/comedy movie about cool teenaged vampires was also about a teenager originally from Arizona who moves over to the west coast, this time to sunny California. Jason Patric plays Michael but this movie has tons and tons of good actors such as Diane Wiest, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, teen superstars of the 1980′s. The cast alone sends it way passed Twilight in the “which is better” discussion so let’s put that to rest right off the bat.
As for originality, Twilight doesn’t stand a chance against The Lost Boys because not only is the actual story more creative and unique, the characters themselves are all so different, they each have their own little way of doing things, making each of them distinct. Basically, the coastal down of Santa Carla, California is infested by a local gang that, in all actuality, is really a gang of vampires with a twist. It’s so much like the normal gang activity that they even have an initiation rite for Michael (Patric).
To make this easy on you, get on your Netflix and get this bad boy sent to your house. Either that, or hit up the local video store and grab this on DVD. If you like any or all teenaged vampire movies, it’s damn near impossible for this one to disappoint. If it does, it’s probably a problem with your head, not the movie.
Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
I have a good friend, bless her heart, that is terrified of snakes. T-E-R-R-F-I-E-D. It’s so bad, in fact, that when she comes over, my fiance and I can’t even watch a show on television with snakes or any reptile for that matter. The point I’m making? People are really scared shitless of reptiles so I figured it would be a good subject. Although I like reptiles, I understand why people wouldn’t like them.
So, for those scaly, beady-eyed reptilians, a list…
FER-DE-LANCE (Bothrops asper)
This is one of those snakes that is so feared that it’s known in the snake world as the “ultimate pitviper”, meaning that in a family of other really poisonous serpents, this is one of the worst. It’s known to kill the most people in Central and South America, luckily for us, the only part of the world it roams. By the way, you have a light stomach, you should skip the next few pictures.
DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED TWICE NOW
*fer-de-lance victim
SALTWATER CROCODILE (Crocodylus porosus)
For a reptile that lives over 50 or 60 years, this is one old bastard you do not want to be near. First off, it is ENORMOUS. Salties (the Australian term) can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh 3000 pounds. And don’t forget that evil grin filled with a bunch of gnarly teeth. Not only is it the largest and heaviest reptile on planet Earth, this bad boy and his family have been around so long, they used to eat with the dinosaurs. I’m glad these guys mostly confined to Australia, Papua New Guinea and parts of Southeast Asia. Watching them on television works just fine for me, thank you.
*this sign cracks me up
KOMODO DRAGON (Varanus komodoensis)
Thank heavens that the Komodo dragon only dwells on a few tiny islands around Indonesia because it is big, nasty and loves rotten meat. Most of the times, the dragon feeds on carrion (dead animals) but they’re known to prey on large mammals such as deer and boar with a stealth ambush, going right for the throat or underside of the animal. Far and away the biggest lizard in the word, it ranges being between 6-9 1/2 feet and up to 150 pounds. Their scariest attribute is the bacteria in their saliva that contains so many different kinds of deadly bacteria, including the one that causes sepsis, it’s best to just stay away from those small islands and stay away from Komodo dragons altogether.
It would be fun to have one of these in the backyard if you had the room. Imagine having company and inviting them to see your pet dragon. Of course, no one would ever believe you. But, once you took them out back, wouldn’t their reactions be great? I don’t know, just me thinking crazy, I guess.
*sometimes I think we’re sharing the planet with animals and not the other way around
ALLIGATOR SNAPPING TURTLE (Macrochelys temminckii)
Does it surprise you more that there’s a dangerous turtle in the United States or the fact that it can possibly bite your hand off? Quite possibly the ugliest living thing the planet has to offer, the alligator snapping turtle makes its home in the southeastern U.S. in the Mississippi River and all of its surrounding bodies of water. These turtles may not be long but they can weigh up to 200 pounds and have a nasty bite to back it up. Though they’re not deadly, should you be wading in the swamps of the south and bump into one of these, you could very well lose a few toes.
Monday, March 2nd, 2009
MORE WOMEN ABOVE SIZE 10
*Any questions? Didn’t think so.
*She’d be a Cougar, right?
*You’d turn down a size 14?
*apparently, she’s waiting for you
*cute lady but the bra looks weird to me
*kinda funny they have to say she’s “Plus”. Strange.
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