Archive for April, 2009

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HERB, HERB, HERB: HERB IS THE WORD

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

xmas-kush

OH MY GOD IS HE TALKING ABOUT MARIJUANA? WEED? POT? GANJA? THAT MARY JANE GIRL?

Um, yes, actually I am. I’m only discussing it because it’s been such a hot debate that it’s literally smoking (pun intended). 14 states in the union have legalized medical marijuana. Maybe they see a good reason to legalize a drug that could reap in a few billion dollars of revenue for the government each year.

Regarding that, I thought I’d help out some of those states out with some slogans they could use in case they ever decide (or get forced) to legalize Ms. Mary Jane.

arizona

“Ever been to the desert….on weed?”

florida

“Wake up to a friendly joint and a glass of Florida orange juice!”

texas

“Toke up freely deep in the heart of Texas.”

wisconsin

“We’ve got wine and cheese and now weed and cheese.”

kentucky

“Growing blue weed on blue hills.”

louisiana

“Legalizing weed down in the bayou.”

tennessee-quarter

“Now you can smoke a bowl with Elvis!”

utah

“Never in a million years.”

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MONEY, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

Okay, back to work on this one because it’s been too long and I’ve got people asking why. Decided to pit some naturals against one another. That means natural breasts, something it seems we as a society have gotten away from a little too much. Fake is out, natural is in. At least in my world it is and that’s all that really matters.

Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel

$$$MONEY$$$ SALMA HAYEK

Salma seems like such a sweet girl, doesn’t she? Remember when she first appeared in American cinema with Antonio Banderas in Desperado? Smooooooooookin’! Strangely, she almost looks better today then she did back then but we’re talking apples and oranges here. Naturally, Salma, yours are something to be reckoned with.

christy-canyon

PORN HONEY – CHRISTY CANYON

Christy Canyon is one of those porn stars that’s been in the game for years. You mention her name out loud on the streets and chances are someone knows it, maybe more than just a few people too. Christy also broke into the industry back when producers wanted their porn queens to be stacked naturally, possibly a 1980′s trend of some sort. If you’d like more information about Canyon, find her porn autobiography, Lights, Camera, Sex!, a read I’m sure will be interesting if not entertaining.

gianna-mazzon

PLAYBOY BUNNY-GIANNA MAZZON

Gianna’s a pretty, all natural Playmate from San Diego, CA. Apparently, the dudes really dig her boobies as they are not only 100% organic, but rather large 34D sized breasts. Personally, I’m not big into Playmates as it’s tough to tell how pretty they really are due to the make-up and air brushing along with the fact that many of these gorgeous women take some of their gorgeous out by replacing their naturals with fakes. Stupid.

AND THE WINNER IS…Very tough since the three women here sort of feel like they’re on an equal plane. However, while Gianna Mazzon’s 34D’s are an eye-popper and Christy Canyon’s enormous jugs are as well, this victory goes to Salma Hayek who is beautiful, sweet and has a rack that’s the envy of many women in the world, including other female celebrities.

SALMA HAYEK WINS

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STOP GOING UNDER THE KNIFE

Monday, April 27th, 2009

Man, has it really reached this point for us? Have we become so bent on our images that plastic surgery can make you look ten times worse than you ever did before you went under the knife?

It is also interesting to note the incredible talent some of these surgeons have in transforming a human into a beast. It’s really quite fascinating, actually.

dolly-parton

*I am the wicked witch from the west…with blonde hair now!

DOLLY PARTON  - Dolly’s a long way from 9-5 and an even longer way from sanity. Bitch, snap out of it! You look like the new Barbie horror movie, your skin is too stretched and we can’t tell anymore whether you’re a woman, a witch or a blond lizard.

pete-burns

*”She’s a man, ba-by!” -Austin Powers

PETE BURNS - If you lived through the 80′s, you remember a song called “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive. This was their singer. Not only does he look disgustingly distored, his lips have ballooned up so much, I don’t know whether to pop him with a needle or stick his lips on the back of my car window like a suction cup.

joan-rivers

*The interchangeable faces of the chameleon.

JOAN RIVERS - Poor Joan. She keeps on trucking as a celebrity in the world of pop culture and yet everyone on earth seems to mention her in the same breath as bad plastic surgery. Joan has even admitted to having such terrible work done and yet there she goes doing it again. Must be hard to be married to a chick who could potentially have a new face every year.

michael-jackson

*”Take me to your leader.”

MICHAEL JACKSON - So much talent yet so much of a whack job. Quite possibly the greatest musical performer of all time, Jacko has imploded into a disturbing albino alien with a long perm and a Jack-O-Lantern grin. Fuck the boogeyman, kids. Be scared of Michael Jackson. Not only is he from another planet, he likes to abduct and touch little boys.

jocelyn-wildenstein

*Holy shit! It’s the Missing Link!

JOCELYN WILDENSTEIN - If you don’t know Jocelyn Wildenstein, don’t worry, neither do I. All I know is she’s a super rich socialite with a bad addiction to terrible plastic surgery. Actually, I’ve began going in the direction of her once being a pig that wanted so badly to look human thashe went to the best plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. He tried everything he could do but after $4 million of surgery, she was better off looking like the pig that she was than the beast that she is now.

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THE ARACHNIDS VS PREDATORS

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: WARRIOR BUGS VS PREDATORS

Many of you have surely seen one of the greatest action movies in the history of cinema, Predator. If you’ve been lucky to have seen Predator then there’s also a strong chance you’ve watched quirky science fiction/action flick Starship Troopers.

So, we know about the Predators, those bad ass hunters from another planet. We also know about the “bugs” (short for Arachnids in Starship Troopers) from planet Klendathu and how nasty and dangerous they are. But what if those mercenary Predators would happen to land on Planet Klendathu and have to go head to head with the “bugs”? Well, that’s why we’re here!

starship-troopers-warrior-bug

WARRIOR BUG

SIZE: 3-4 METERS TALL

Remember how nasty these bastards were at the beginning of Starship Troopers? And no, I haven’t read the book so don’t start jabbering about the book against the movie. Who cares? I’m just talking about the warrior bugs used by the Arachnids as their military against the humans. 

Is it fair that these disgusting monsters stand between nine and twelve feet? Or that they can burrow or climb and are incredibly quick and nimble, not to mention their colors reflect their desert surroundings?

Not only is it not fair but it’s the least of your concerns with the warrior bugs. No, the main concern for our Predator in this battle would be their treacherous mandibles that have the power to crush metal or rock as well as their ‘side mandibles” used like an enormous sword to slice and dice the opposition. Yep, folks, that’s what we call some bad news.

As it was stated in the movie about the warrior bug’s efficiency as a killing machine: “it is said that they can lose a limb and still fight at 86% efficiency.” Now, that’s unfair.

predator

THE PREDATOR

SIZE: 7 FT TALL

If you’re not a fan of the Predator, you’re a chump. This may just be the baddest son of a bitch in the universe pound for pound, in regards to the entire warrior culture. Standing seven feet tall and equipped with a wildly awesome arsenal of weapons, it’s no wonder Predators have been a part of counter pop culture for more than 20 years now. But could it match up with a warrior bug?

Luckily for the Predator in its fight against the warrior bug, it’s ridiculous strength is an advantage as well it’s ability to move willingly across rooftops and trees is a nice little talent to have. Also, their sight is based off heat, constantly adjusting to the elements surrounding them and refocusing their vision to fit the environment. However, this is only a function available to them if they’re wearing their specialty masks. Without the mask, their vision can’t easily form visible objects very well.

For the warrior bug, it have to be concerned with the spectacular weapons it has in Predators have in their possession. A large double-sided spear that shoots out at both ends when ready for fight. A disc-like blade that can cut through five humans standing in a row if needed. But its pride and joy might be the laser missle launcher it has perched up on its shoulder, a laser that will blow a hole the size of a hula hoop in whatever it hits. Also, Predators were designed to do nothing but hunt, something they’re so passionate about that if a hunting mission fails, they voluntarily commit honorable suicide by blowing themselves up. That’s serious dedication right there.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…Talk about tough! Although the warrior bug is two feet taller, the Predator was bred to hunt and fight and has more strategy than the bug who slashes at the Predator a few times, inflicting him with two big lacerations across his body. As the bug rears up to unleash its death blow, the Predator dips underneath and plunges his spear upward directly into the gut of the bug. The Predator steps back as the warrior bugs tries to recoup from its devastating wound. Sensing vulnerability, the Predator aims his missle launcher at the bug’s head area and sends a laser that blows the warrior bug to smithereens. GAME OVER.

PREDATOR WINS!

predator-2

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POP CULTURE, STOP CULTURE

Friday, April 24th, 2009

Alright, I had to do it: I had to address something that’s pop culture that’s pissing a lot of my friends and crew off: SAGGING.

Sagging was cool back in, oh I don’t know, 1992! For something that was invented back in the ’90′s, it’s surely resurfaced, albeit in the wrong way. It was only necessary to point this out specifically. Take a look below!

sagging2

*Easier to work on the ride witcha pants hangin’, homie.

sagging-2

*Does this skinny bastard even have an ass?! What’s with the wife beater too? You ain’t got muscles, douche bag!

sagging-3

*What’s worse? The over-the-top sagging or that SUPER over-the-top belt?

sagging-4

*So, now it’s sagging AND showing your buttcrack? Interesting.

sagging-51

*Even the chicks in Japan are sagging. Wouldn’t mind if the girls here did this.

sagging-6

*It’s starting waaaaaaaaay too young now.

sagging-7

*HOLY SHIT! Alright, I give up now. This ended it for me.

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STOP IT!

Friday, April 24th, 2009

Thought I’d run down some things in our society we just need to put a stop to. And I don’t care if you have to put your foot on someone’s throat, do what you have to because there are some things that just aren’t necessary anymore.

STOP! …Acting hard when you’re really not.

wiggers-2

STOP!…Giving us parking tickets for stupid shit just to fill your quota. We all know that’s what you’re doing.

parking-enforcement2

STOP!…Talking about Octomom. Haven’t we had it with this crazy bitch yet? Thank you.

octomom-2

STOP!…Showing nothing but negative, depressing and miserable headlines. Can we get a story about Girl Scout cookies or something?

headlines-31

STOP!…Trying to look pretty when you’re not. You know who you are.

ugly-chick

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APPLE MY ASSHOLE, APPLE

Friday, April 24th, 2009


apple-logo2

It’s probably easy for most to say that Apple Inc is totally and completely 100% pop culture. Some would say it’s pop culture at its worst. However, since I am an absolute genius in the “pop culture” category, I must explain that Apple is not pop culture. Here, I’ll prove it: Look at the brilliance behind how their market their iPod.

apple-chick-11

Yep. That ain’t pop culture, my friends. Also, I’d like to note something: This week many big American companies have been reporting their earnings from the 1st quarter of 2009, a quarter that is predictably kicking the ever loving shit out of most corporate balance sheets. Yesterday it was Apple’s turns to report earnings. So what happens?

Apple Inc. reported a surprise gain in net income for its second fiscal quarter as sales of the company’s iPod and iPhone products came in ahead of expectations for the period.

You know how big that is in today’s economy? It’s HUGE! People hate on Apple a lot and for good reason: it’s got a self-obsessed following that really thinks Apple products are the greatest gadgets on earth.

apple-chick-5

Problem is, THEY’RE RIGHT! Hold your opinions, shitheads. Just remember something, regardless of whether you have a PC or not, Apple made PC its bitch. ‘Nuff said.

iphone-baby

*Sometimes you’re just born to be a pimp. I envy this kid.

Compare those earnings yesterday with this little headline from Apple’s Public Enemy #1, Microsoft just after the market closed today:

Software giant’s profit falls sharply, as sales of computers loaded with its software dip and it absorbs charges for layoffs and investments. Company says it sees weakness continuing through ‘at least the next quarter.’

The thing to remember about where Apple sits in the pop culture discussion is this: Less than 10 years ago, it was only Microsoft and Dell. That was pretty much it. Apple had it’s Macintosh but it wasn’t even close to the level of the other two. These days, the other two aren’t even close to the level of Apple. Funny how things change, ain’t it? Back then, Apple wasn’t in the public’s eye so much. A little but not much. Microsoft and Dell were and everyone shunned Apple. Why? Because it wasn’t pop culture yet. Now, it is. The difference? It told pop culture to fuck off and created their own direction and blew everyone out of the water. Take that, pop culture.

Case closed. Apple rocks. PC sucks ass. 

If you needed any more proof, I provide you with one more picture proving Apple’s brilliance.

apple-chick-301

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STOP BUYING THAT CRAP

Thursday, April 23rd, 2009

I found 3 very basic items we’ve all had to buy or have to buy frequently that are really starting to piss me off with their prices. These products are pushing the damn envelope a little too far. One always has and is now paying for it.gum

GUM

What in the hell happened to gum? Didn’t it used to be, like, half a buck for a pack of gum? Now it’s at a $1.25-50 and I’m shitting in my pants. Gum, my friends, should not be this expensive. There should be a law enabling people free gum since there are too many citizens of the world walking around with disgusting breath. I feel we owe this people gum and they shouldn’t have to spend that kind of money on one pack. Dude, it’s friggin’ gum! Let us at least chew some gum without feeling it’s hitting our pockets. 

lighters

LIGHTERS

Another thing that used to be super cheap. I’m talking three for a dollar cheap. Nowadays, a crappy lighter runs you a buck and the good ones are almost $2 unless you get them in bulk. I don’t smoke cigarettes but a lighter is a handy tool if you know what I mean. Many things can be done with one lighter but it’s a human necessity, not an item that should be priced beyond rationality. Sure, it ain’t much dough but for something that was 30 or 40 cents just a few years ago and has tripled in price, we’re getting screwed. Hard. Save money and buy a cool zippo. It will last you longer. Even a lifetime.

hp_ink_cartridge

INK CARTRIDGES FOR PRINTERS

You’ve got to be out of your fucking mind with this one, guys! HP, Epson, all the printer ink monopolizers are some of the scummiest, greediest bastards on the planet. When an ink cartridge costs an average of $30 for my printer, we’ve got a problem. Dammit, we’ve got blasphemy! A printer is a printer: It prints paper with ink so we can read it! Are you that lame and money hungry that you would rather us just buy the printer without the ink? I mean, what the fuck is the point of a printer if it doesn’t have ink and why did I just buy the printer? Why do we not get 5-6 ink cartridges included in our purchase of your printers? Would it be because you want us to buy your $30 cartridges every single time we run out of ink? Yes! Yes, I think that’s what it is.

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DANGEROUS ANIMALS: BIRDS!

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

“A-well-a everybody’s heard about the bird
B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird’s the word” – Surfin’ Bird (The Trashmen)

Next time you here that tune you may wonder about birds. But what about birds? Are any of them even dangerous? I absolutely, positively, beyond the shadow of a doubt, HATE FUCKING BIRDS! Unless it’s eagles or raptors or falcons or any other birds that we call birds of prey. They’re cool. The birds chirping outside of my god damn window at seven in the morning are chumps.

Anyways, some very dangerous birds on our planet you’d rather not encounter.

cassowary-attack

CASSOWARY (Genus - Casuarius)

Native only to Papua New Guinea and northeastern Australia, the cassowary is a large, flightless bird with an ugly blue head and a big feathery body, almost as if they were giant peacocks without those beautiful, grand feathers. However, unlike NBC’s little mascot, the cassowary is packed with some attitude and some gnarly claws on its feet. Usually shy, the bird will unleash its fury in an instant if it feels threatened and they’ve got the strength to break bones and fatally wound children and dogs with their kicks. OUCH! They’re still super ugly though.

the-birds

SEA GULL (Family - Laridae)

Another bird I can’t stand since it really makes life at the beach, harbor, pier and docks a nightmare. They swoop down and eat your fish, crap all over the place and make way too much damn noise. They’re also mean, nasty and hostile. Just ask people in Great Britain where they have a bad sea gull problem. Remember that Hitchcock movie, The Birds? Well, obviously he wasn’t bullshitting since he must have known how dangerous those annoying aviators were.

rhea1

RHEA (Genus - Rhea)

A rhea is basically the South American ostrich since they look very similar, belong to the same group of birds and are both ugly. Really, really ugly. However, they’re both also really, really fast and powerful for a bird. A rhea is about a third of the size of an ostrich but it doesn’t lack punch. They may not be as quick to a bad temper as the ostrich or cassowary but if the rhea does get pissed off, it’s kick packs 800 pounds of force per inch. But it’s still ugly.

angry-ostrich

OSTRICH (Struthio camelus)

Far and away the most dangerous bird of them all, the ostrich is the also the largest, heaviest and meanest bird in the world. It rules the kingdom of the birds with a heavy hand, no other bird even within 200 pounds and a few feet of the ostrich. What makes the ostrich so frightening is the fact that it not only has an attitude but has a kick so powerful it can kill a hyena! Oh, and it can chase you at 30 mph for over ten miles. Yep, that would certainly suck! Maybe that picture above will scare you off enough not to ever want to be face to face with an ugly old ostrich.

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HALO, I’M iPHONE!

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

*Every once in a while I let my mind unravel and go nuts. This is the direct result of this unexplainable phenomenon. Well, it’s explainable but I’d rather not explain. Anyways, I did a unique spin on some products I have come to respect.

Halo, I’m Halo. I’m a video game that allows you to play your friends and other gamers anywhere in the entire world! I’m really, really fun and even more addicting. Like crack, I can keep gamers in their houses 24/7, 365. In fact, some gamers lose their friends and family over their Halo addictions. I also look super cool with incredibly futuristic graphics that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I’m such a fetish for such a large amount of gamers that I’ll be around for years and years to come. In fact, when your grandchildren ask you to get them Halo 15 for Christmas, you’ll have a head’s up.

halo-3

Halo, I’m iPhone! Just wanted to introduce myself as the most dominant gadget in the entire universe. Not only do I kick the crap out of all the other smartphones on a daily basis, I’m also growing more and more everyday! Hell, soon I’m going to be on the same level as Nintendo and Sony in the gaming console market because guess what people are starting to do a lot with their iPhones? That’s right! Gaming! Soon, I’m looking at taking over the world. Period.

71043866

Do I even need to mention my name? I’ve got something like a million television stations and movies and cartoons and merchandise and theme parks and all types of things. I mean, sometimes, honestly, I don’t even know half the stuff I own. There’s a chance I may even own you and your entire family! This brilliant guy named Walt Disney created me and now I’m to entertainment what the sky is to those meager little humans: ABOVE IT ALL.

disney-cornocopiea

 

Well, guys, I don’t do gadgets and I don’t do entertainment. My forte is food. Fast food to be exact. They call me The Golden Arch or Mickey D’s but you can just call me The Super because I own more real estate than anyone else on the planet! That’s right, McDonald’s is the name and kicking fast food ass is the game. Started in California and became an international juggernaut. Bow down and kiss my feet and don’t forget your Happy Meal on the way out.

mcdonalds

Ain’t world domination fun, guys? I’ve been doing it for years just like Mickey Mouse but I’m so big, the world goes to war over my products and I’m the biggest fish in the pond. Yep, I’m the King of Black Gold and the American public will be pumping gas at my ExxonMobil stations all across the wonderful states. I’m the kind of the company that makes billions an hour! That’s not a typo. It’s so good to know I’ve got some friends to talk to now. You know what the best part is? We’ve already taken over the world!

exxonmobil

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