THE PRODUCT: DORITOS

THE MAN: ARCH WEST

Once again, another segment involving some kind of tribute to the greatest chip on earth: Doritos. Yes that wild and crazy flavored tortilla chip can’t be beat no matter what Lays or Ruffles or Sun Chips or Cheetos or whoever throws out there. Best part about it is that they’re all owned by Frito-Lay anyhow so there’s no real competition. Doritos is like a top predator without a predator among chips. It dominates the landscape from its Nacho flavor to its Cool Ranch and now combo bags of two flavors in one. Also, does any other chip have the consistent marketing that Doritos has? Nope. Also, Doritos had Ali Landry, one of the hottest women the earth ever created. Doritos can’t be beatos when you want a snack to eatos.

*Fuck acorns! Got me some D-o-r-i-t-o-s!

*This billboard should be up all over the place. Gets the point across.

*Yes, even the hot Latin women love their Doritos.

*Instead of the Easter Egg Hunt, it’s bags of Doritos. I’m in!

*I would feed Ali Doritos all day, all night, all year, my whole life. You read it here first.

*Happiness. Love. Doritos. Shouldn’t we be teaching kids this stuff in school?

*Had I not already proposed to my fiance, I would have put my efforts towards this beautiful and brilliant lady. But I’d probably be naked with her the next time.

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SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (NBC)

Saturday Night Live is not Saturday night funny anymore. Not to take anything away from the greatness this show once was, today’s version of Saturday Night Live is disgustingly pale in comparison to its earlier predecessors. Nobody is reminiscent of Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin, John Belushi and Chris Farley. Those who still manage to put SNL into their shortage of time is truly nothing short of lame in my eyes. Why? Because it’s not funny. At all. Even Will Farrell’s SNL wasn’t that funny. And yeah, Will Ferrell is SUPER OVERRATED. And not funny. Did I mention he’s not funny?

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

IN LIVING COLOR (FOX)

Sketch comedy at its best and edgiest (on network tv anyways), In Living Color was basically the hip hop fuck you to Saturday Night Live. The multiracial Fox (of course) show was an immediate hit and even drew 25 million viewers during a controversial Super Bowl Halftime Show segment. What was also cool was the hip hop groups coming out to perform at the end of the show for the audience. It helped put hip hop in the public eye too. Jim Carey and Damon Wayans play two of the most memorable sketch comedy characters of all time in Fire Marshall Bill and Homey D. Clown. Oh, and besides Carey and Wayans, the show also gave us Jennifer Lopez (as one of the Fly Girls), Marlon Wayans (Damon’s brother), David Alan Grier and Jamie Foxx. Not bad for only five seasons.

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Okay, it was only going to happen sooner or later that I moved on to the beautiful, trashy and sexy black women in the world, especially ones that could fall under the money, honeys and Playboy bunnies category. Here goes nothing.

$$$MONEY&&&: LISA WU-HARTWELL

And who can love you like me (nobody) 
Who can sex you like me (nobody) 
Who can lay your body down (nobody) 
Nobody, baby (nobody) – Nobody – Keith Sweat

Real Housewives of Atlanta’s very own Lisa Wu-Hartwell probably wouldn’t be too stoked about me posting those lyrics from her ex-husband, Keith Sweat. Then again, do I care? I do not. Now, she’s married to Edgerton Hartwell, a NFL linebacker that was good with the Baltimore Ravens but now can’t find a team to take him. Her little motto is “If it doesn’t make me money, I won’t do it” and that explains her three businesses as well as her bankruptcy in 2007. Interesting. Anyways, there you have it. If you even cared.

HONEY: DOMONIQUE SIMONE

Domonique (that’s the spelling, folks) has had a rough life, like most porn stars. Domonique also has tremendously large tits because of tremendously large breast implants, like most porn stars. She’s given it her all for over 200 films and, unfortunately, is starting to look like she has.

PLAYBOY BUNNY: IDA LJUNGQVIST

Don’t bother with the last name since it’s a real son of a bitch to pronounce on first look so I’m calling her Ida Issa since when I first looked at her pic all I said was “Ida is a beautiful thang!”. See, Ida Issa Swedish/Tanzanian hybrid, her daddy from the Alps and her mother from Africa. Ida Issa only playmate that was born in Africa as a matter of fact. You know, sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy the view. Which reminds me: Is there a race of people out there called Gorgeous? I think there might be. Th has to be.

AND THE WINNER IS…IDA ISSA WINNER!

Was there really any question here? Miss Wu-Hartwell can’t figure out whether she likes money or spending money, the other looks way beyond her best porn years and the last is as pretty a woman as earth could provide mankind. 

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