*Every once in a while I let my mind unravel and go nuts. This is the direct result of this unexplainable phenomenon. Well, it’s explainable but I’d rather not explain. Anyways, I did a unique spin on some products I have come to respect.

Halo, I’m Halo. I’m a video game that allows you to play your friends and other gamers anywhere in the entire world! I’m really, really fun and even more addicting. Like crack, I can keep gamers in their houses 24/7, 365. In fact, some gamers lose their friends and family over their Halo addictions. I also look super cool with incredibly futuristic graphics that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I’m such a fetish for such a large amount of gamers that I’ll be around for years and years to come. In fact, when your grandchildren ask you to get them Halo 15 for Christmas, you’ll have a head’s up.

Halo, I’m iPhone! Just wanted to introduce myself as the most dominant gadget in the entire universe. Not only do I kick the crap out of all the other smartphones on a daily basis, I’m also growing more and more everyday! Hell, soon I’m going to be on the same level as Nintendo and Sony in the gaming console market because guess what people are starting to do a lot with their iPhones? That’s right! Gaming! Soon, I’m looking at taking over the world. Period.

Do I even need to mention my name? I’ve got something like a million television stations and movies and cartoons and merchandise and theme parks and all types of things. I mean, sometimes, honestly, I don’t even know half the stuff I own. There’s a chance I may even own you and your entire family! This brilliant guy named Walt Disney created me and now I’m to entertainment what the sky is to those meager little humans: ABOVE IT ALL.

Well, guys, I don’t do gadgets and I don’t do entertainment. My forte is food. Fast food to be exact. They call me The Golden Arch or Mickey D’s but you can just call me The Super because I own more real estate than anyone else on the planet! That’s right, McDonald’s is the name and kicking fast food ass is the game. Started in California and became an international juggernaut. Bow down and kiss my feet and don’t forget your Happy Meal on the way out.

Ain’t world domination fun, guys? I’ve been doing it for years just like Mickey Mouse but I’m so big, the world goes to war over my products and I’m the biggest fish in the pond. Yep, I’m the King of Black Gold and the American public will be pumping gas at my ExxonMobil stations all across the wonderful states. I’m the kind of the company that makes billions an hour! That’s not a typo. It’s so good to know I’ve got some friends to talk to now. You know what the best part is? We’ve already taken over the world!

Today’s Lesson From the Don:

“We can’t be thinking big bucks fast. Big bucks like crops of wheat or corn, the staples, take a while to grow, but you plant a seed when the weather sucks and you wait for economic nature to take its course.”

The Don is trying to don the market.

LAID OFF: DAY 63

“Hey, ho, nobody home. Meat nor drink nor money have I none.” -A Soalin’

Well, someone’s home and baby, I’ve got the meat, I’ve got the drink and I’ve got, well, a little money. Started my little part time gig this week. Had a nervous break down because I wasn’t mentally prepared to start actually working again after two straight months of riding the bench. All good, however, since the job’s fun, my business is a week from being launched and I’m a happy, quite excited camper.

The U.S. lost 663,000 jobs in March and unemployment for the country hit 8.5%. OH MY GOD, IT’S LIKE WE’RE RELIVING THE GREAT DEPRESSION!!!

Slow down there, children. This ain’t another Great Depression. This is the worst unemployment rate since (drumroll, please) 1983! I thought this was supposed to be as bad as the Great Depression but here we are sitting on 1983?! That’s 26 years ago, a sign that may not be good but it ain’t the Great Depression so how about we all just shut our pie holes for moment?

There are much more interesting things happening right now. Those 663,000 jobs lost are supposed to be BIG BAD NEWS for investors and yet, the market’s been doing very well lately. Finally heading into the green for the year, at least the Nasdaq is. Dow isn’t too far behind and is madly flirting with that next psychological Dow mark of 8000. If it passes the big 8 in the next week or so, you better start throwing all of your money back into the market. Yes, ALL OF IT.

And if you’re broke and out of work, that’s okay too. Seems like we all are anyways so you have to push through it. When you get that job (and you will, just believe in yourself) you’ll have to start putting a little away each paycheck for stocks. Yes, you have to. Absolutely 100% have to do it! In fact, from now on your paychecks should be worked for on the basis on investing for the future. So now when you jump for joy on payday you can remember this: Paycheck=Investing for the future.

Also, if you can, try not to read too much into the unemployment and job loss data. It’s a little too scary for you to stomach so let’s avoid it altogether. Being laid off isn’t such a hot feeling but it’s not the end of the world. In fact, the world is yours and it’s there for the taking. Dammit, I’m taking it!

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: RAPTORS VS ALIENS

VELOCIRAPTORS

SIZE: 5-7 FT  33 LBS (how they’re that tall but only weigh that much is beyond me)

Did you know that Velociraptor means “swift seizer” in latin for its rapid ferocity and speedy hunting style? Pretty cool, huh? If you’ve seen Jurassic Park or read the book by Michael Crighton, Velociraptors are something you’re very aware of. In fact, before Jurassic Park, had anyone even heard of such a dinosaur? T-Rex, yes. Velociraptor, no.

However, raptors (their shorter nickname) look almost like six or seven foot versions of the T-Rex although they’re a lot quicker, a lot more agile and run in packs. The T-Rex wasn’t known as a team player but merely a solo tyrant that felt it was in his best interest to kick ass and control the land of the dinosaurs itself. Raptors were just another dinosaur on the T-Rex’s menu but they were willing to fight T-Rex if it came down to it since the raptors traveled in gangs and could possibly fend off a much bigger dinosaur due to sheer numbers.

Another very distinct feature of the raptors is their extraordinarily long claw on each foot, primarily used to kill and disembowel prey. YUMMY! What’s even more surprising is the fact that animals, while we thought they were so closely related to reptiles, are a little closer in relation to birds. YECH! Boy, do I hate me a bird. Unless it’s birds of prey. If only birds could be cooler like their dinosaur ancestors maybe I could show them a little bit of love. Until then, no can do. Tweet, tweet, bitches.

Also, another note about Velociraptors: Jurassic Park’s version of the raptor was a little exaggerated. First off, they were larger and heavier and more streamlined than the true Velociraptors. True raptors were actually more colorful and came equipped with feathers (there’s your bird reference) and were apparently smaller and lighter. Either way, they look a little too dangerous for my tastes. Now, on to their competition.

ALIENS (XENOMORPH)

SIZE: 7-8 FT  150-300 LBS (estimated)

When I first saw Aliens as an eight year old, I was so damn scared I couldn’t even take a bath without having my mommy standing outside in fear that an alien would come crashing through the ceiling in order to put an alien embryo in my little eight year old tummy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me and still kind of does to this day, and I’m thirty years old now!

Something about their sleek, black, sinister and emotionless bodies with those disgustingly, drool-covered large, gnashing teeth and that super long, slashing tail with the sharp tip that is used as a anatomical sword on humans. Everything about the aliens scares me, including that acid they have for blood. It was always a pleasure to read or watch any Aliens Vs Predator stories, hoping the Predators would send the Aliens away for good. Never did happen and probably never will.

As 100% parasitic creatures, aliens have absolutely no mission other than to seek and destroy any living threat to their population of alien organisms. Seeking to find human or animal hosts for their eggs, aliens do whatever it takes to maintain the future of their brethren, especially when their queen is double their size at fifteen feet tall and change. Mama Alien in the movie Aliens is one of the most frightening movie monsters of all time. Watching Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) go head to head with Mama Alien in a large, metal body suit is worth watching even if it’s a youtube.com version. It’s one of the classic fight scenes between human and monster.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…This is as tough as it gets since, naturally, aliens are bigger than raptors. Pit them up against one another at equal size, I feel it’s an even match. The raptor, quicker and a little more agile, sweeps in for a blow with its large claw. It rips open part of the alien’s abdomen, sending a puddle of steaming hot acid splattering onto the poor raptor’s lower body. After a loud, ear-splitting screech from the raptor, the alien musters up the strength to drive its sharp tail through the raptor’s body, ripping it completely in half. Raptor dead, alien survives, albeit, in pain. Lots of pain.

ALIENS WIN