BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: RAPTORS VS ALIENS

VELOCIRAPTORS

SIZE: 5-7 FT  33 LBS (how they’re that tall but only weigh that much is beyond me)

Did you know that Velociraptor means “swift seizer” in latin for its rapid ferocity and speedy hunting style? Pretty cool, huh? If you’ve seen Jurassic Park or read the book by Michael Crighton, Velociraptors are something you’re very aware of. In fact, before Jurassic Park, had anyone even heard of such a dinosaur? T-Rex, yes. Velociraptor, no.

However, raptors (their shorter nickname) look almost like six or seven foot versions of the T-Rex although they’re a lot quicker, a lot more agile and run in packs. The T-Rex wasn’t known as a team player but merely a solo tyrant that felt it was in his best interest to kick ass and control the land of the dinosaurs itself. Raptors were just another dinosaur on the T-Rex’s menu but they were willing to fight T-Rex if it came down to it since the raptors traveled in gangs and could possibly fend off a much bigger dinosaur due to sheer numbers.

Another very distinct feature of the raptors is their extraordinarily long claw on each foot, primarily used to kill and disembowel prey. YUMMY! What’s even more surprising is the fact that animals, while we thought they were so closely related to reptiles, are a little closer in relation to birds. YECH! Boy, do I hate me a bird. Unless it’s birds of prey. If only birds could be cooler like their dinosaur ancestors maybe I could show them a little bit of love. Until then, no can do. Tweet, tweet, bitches.

Also, another note about Velociraptors: Jurassic Park’s version of the raptor was a little exaggerated. First off, they were larger and heavier and more streamlined than the true Velociraptors. True raptors were actually more colorful and came equipped with feathers (there’s your bird reference) and were apparently smaller and lighter. Either way, they look a little too dangerous for my tastes. Now, on to their competition.

ALIENS (XENOMORPH)

SIZE: 7-8 FT  150-300 LBS (estimated)

When I first saw Aliens as an eight year old, I was so damn scared I couldn’t even take a bath without having my mommy standing outside in fear that an alien would come crashing through the ceiling in order to put an alien embryo in my little eight year old tummy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me and still kind of does to this day, and I’m thirty years old now!

Something about their sleek, black, sinister and emotionless bodies with those disgustingly, drool-covered large, gnashing teeth and that super long, slashing tail with the sharp tip that is used as a anatomical sword on humans. Everything about the aliens scares me, including that acid they have for blood. It was always a pleasure to read or watch any Aliens Vs Predator stories, hoping the Predators would send the Aliens away for good. Never did happen and probably never will.

As 100% parasitic creatures, aliens have absolutely no mission other than to seek and destroy any living threat to their population of alien organisms. Seeking to find human or animal hosts for their eggs, aliens do whatever it takes to maintain the future of their brethren, especially when their queen is double their size at fifteen feet tall and change. Mama Alien in the movie Aliens is one of the most frightening movie monsters of all time. Watching Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) go head to head with Mama Alien in a large, metal body suit is worth watching even if it’s a youtube.com version. It’s one of the classic fight scenes between human and monster.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…This is as tough as it gets since, naturally, aliens are bigger than raptors. Pit them up against one another at equal size, I feel it’s an even match. The raptor, quicker and a little more agile, sweeps in for a blow with its large claw. It rips open part of the alien’s abdomen, sending a puddle of steaming hot acid splattering onto the poor raptor’s lower body. After a loud, ear-splitting screech from the raptor, the alien musters up the strength to drive its sharp tail through the raptor’s body, ripping it completely in half. Raptor dead, alien survives, albeit, in pain. Lots of pain.

ALIENS WIN