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CELEBRITY ANIMAL LOOK-A-LIKES

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

This was inspired by my older brother’s brilliant new iPhone app: Animalizer. Basically, you can put your face on the body of a bunch of different animals. It prompted to start thinking about what celebrities resemble animals. BTW: this was fun!

Melanie Griffith     big-bird

MELANIE GRIFFITH = BIG BIRD (don’t know the species)

You know what’s even worse? Big bird hasn’t even had any plastic surgery and is 100% yellow and still looks better than Ms. Griffith, victim of terrible cosmetic surgery.

lyle-lovett-2   frankenstein

LYLE LOVETT = FRANKENSTEIN (not an animal but a monster is close enough)

Funny how Frankenstein has a better haircut than Lyle Lovett. That’s just sad.

BRITAIN BAFTAS   alligator-lizard

JOAN RIVERS = ALLIGATOR LIZARD

See how her skin is pulled back a little too tight? For a lizard, that’s cool. For a human, it’s not.

michael-jackson-turtle   pig-nosed-turtle

MICHAEL JACKSON = PIG-NOSED TURTLE

Jacko, this pig-nosed turtle called: he wants his nose back.

george-w-bush   baby-chimp

GEORGE W. BUSH = BABY CHIMPANZEE (no offense to the chimp)

Sad how “Dubya” makes chimpanzee’s around the world look bad. 


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WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO…?

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

YouTube Preview Image

LOONEY TUNES

Why don’t we see Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and the gang anymore? I understand that I am no longer a kid but I still know Sesame Street and Mickey Mouse are just as big today as they were 20 years ago.

But Looney Tunes? 

Seems like if you ask a kid about Porky Pig or Wile E. Coyote today you’ll get one of those “Who?” looks from them. 

There’s too much hilarious stuff in the Looney Tunes cartoons to overlook and they were fun and harmless while still maintain a barrel of laughs. 

bugs-bunny1

“What’s up, Doc?”

daffy-duck

“You’re despicable.”

porky-pig

“That’s all folks!”

elmer-fudd1

“Shhhhhh. I’m huntin’ wabbits.”

speedy-gonzales

“¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!” 

tweety

“I tawt I taw a puddy tat!”

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ANIMAL BAD ASSES

Friday, May 8th, 2009

I guarantee you will never see animals in the same light again once you’re through with this! This stuff is so awesome I can’t even fully explain it with words so I went out and got something to actually show you. You can thank me later. These creatures are hardcore.

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CARACAL (Africa)

Not many people know about this member of the big cat family, one of its most unique and agile. Well, it’s not easy living up to the lions, tigers, cheetahs and leopards in the family so the caracal has always taken a backseat in the public eye. Not after you watch this video, it won’t. By the way: this caracal is trying out for the Los Angeles Lakers next week.

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JAPANESE HORNET (Japan)

Otherwise known as the Japanese Hornet Honeybee Massacre, this National Geographic gem displays a kind of hornet that looks like it’s been taking steroids its whole life and has a homicidal frame of mind. Glad I don’t live near them.

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TIGER (India, Asia)

I don’t understand why this male lion thought it’d be a good idea to go starting a fight with a band of tigers but he learned his lesson…to the death. Sure, it’s a sad little story if you like lions but it’s a pretty bad ass story if you like tigers.

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GOLDEN EAGLE (Northern Hemisphere)

This is the most amazing piece of footage I’ve seen of a bird in my life. And I don’t even like birds. However, any bird that can take down a deer is pretty bad ass and the golden eagle in this video is a superstar. I’ve watched this 32 times already and going on  the 33. Awesome!

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WTF!!??!! ARE YOU WEARING

Wednesday, May 6th, 2009

Sometimes I wonder how in the hell the fashion industry stays afloat. After wondering a few minutes, two things come to mind as well: are we supposed to look at these costumes and think it’s a good joke or are we supposed to appreciate looking like a joke?

Anyways, what the fuck are they thinking?

fashion

*Devo called. They want their outfits back for the new Whip It Tour.

fashion-2

*Doesn’t matter which outfit you choose, you still look stupid.

fashion-3

*Model or Ice Queen from Narnia?

fashion-4

*Poodles gone wild?

fashion-5

*Wearing fashionable condoms on your head looks silly.

FASHION-US-VICTORIA'S SECRET

*Ma’am, you have a giant roll of tissue paper on your head.

fashion-7

*Alika Akbar Shakiba called and she wants her veil back.

fashion-8

*Model or crow?

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THE TIP TOP OF HIP HOP

Monday, May 4th, 2009

I’ve made a list, in no particular order, of some of the greatest hip hop albums of all time, stop pop culture style. Most of these albums dropped before hip hop had even become “pop culture”. Please, feel free to lend more as these aren’t the be all, end all.

illmatic

Nas – Illmatic

Some consider this to be the greatest hip hop album of all time although I tend to disagree, albeit due to personal reasons, not facts. However, this classic lesson in true hip hop can’t be disputed as one of the best since damn near every track hits hard and Nas’s lyrical flow is hard to stop listening to.

i-wish-my-bro1

Del the Funkee Homosapien – I Wish My Brother George Was Here

This is one of those Pulp Fiction albums of greatness: it’s not great fundamentally but incredibly innovative and difference, hence, making it incredible. This was Del’s introduction to hip hop fans and there were no questions asked afterwards knowing now that Del was an incredibly gifted rapper as well as one of strangest son of a bitches hip hop will ever know.

nia

Nia – Blackalicious

Any true hip hop head will tell you it’d be hard to find a better rapper than Gift of Gab from Blackalicious. There really isn’t anything he can’t do on the mic. If you really want proof of this, Nia is the album for you. And, if you have a chance, download or buy the single “Swan Lake” that Gift of Gab did with DJ Shadow around the same time, one of the greatest hip hop songs of all time. ‘Nuff said.

innercity-griots

Freestyle Fellowship – Innercity Griots

Quite possibly the album that put underground hip hop on the map forever, Fellowship’s Innercity Griots is a classic to anyone who knows about hip hop on the west coast. You mentioned Fellowship (nobody bothers with the word Freestyle anymore) on the left coast and you’re bound to run into some smiles. Aceyalone and Mikah 9 lead the way of the lyrically gifted Los Angeles hip hop ensemble definitely worthy of a listen and a buy.

ready-2-die

Notorious B.I.G. – Ready to Die

Here’s something interesting: I’m a west coast guy however, you will not see any Tupac albums on this list. Why? None were quite good enough. 2Pac had some classic, great songs, but not any true classic albums. At least not in my book. From first song to last song, Ready to Die is incredible. What’s funny is the big hits from Biggie’s first album (Juicy, Big Papa, One More Chance) aren’t even the best song. The title track, Ready to Die, is incredible. Listen to it. Then, listen to it again and again and again until you realize how damn good it is.

do-u-want-more

The Roots – Do You Want More?!!!??!

Ah, the Roots, possibly the most gifted hip hop ensemble all around since they make all of their music with instruments and have a great rapper to boot. When this album dropped, it blew everybody in the world of hip hop away. The songs were jazzy but hit hard and still remained mellow and melodious. What’s great about the Roots is they have a unique sound that’s impossible to mimic and their first album is a very indicative of this.

midnight-marauders

Tribe Called Quest -Midnight Marauders

Yes, you may think I’m a whack job with this choice since so many hip hop fans would pick Tribe’s first or second album as their best however, their third installment was a complete sleeper and therefore makes this list on that little fact alone. Tribe fans tend to get caught up in their Bonita Apple Bum and Scenario days, both classic hip hop tracks. The final cut on this album, God Lives Through, is one for the ages, and an incredibly fun song to listen to if you’re a hip hop fan that goes way back. To hear Tribe name some of their hip hop brethren in this song always gives me the goose bumps.

new-jersey-drive-vol-1

New Jersey Drive Soundtrack Vol. 1 & 2

I don’t think any of our newer hip hop heads have ever heard of New Jersey Drive or its classic soundtrack, an album that was far better than the movie it was made for. There’s so many hidden gems on these two volumes that it’s hard to pick which ones stand out but “You Won’t Go Far” by O.C. and Organized Konfusion is one of the better tracks. But this purely east coast lineup is damn hard to beat just to name a few of them: Organized Konfusion, O.C., Black Moon, Outkast, Redman and Notrious B.I.G. Buy this album and show it off to all your homies that have never heard of it.

entroducing

DJ Shadow – Entroducing

Quite possibly the greatest musical hip hop achievement of all time, DJ Shadow’s first album, Entroducing, is one of the most amazing gifts to your ear you will ever receive. Listen as he takes you on the most incredible journey through the sounds of hip hop that you will ever take in your life. This man is so damn gifted and this album so great that it doesn’t even need rapping in it. It should be every rapper’s dream to make a song with DJ Shadow at the helm because his beats are perfectly constructed without even a minor blemish. If you haven’t heard this album, GET IT!!! All you need to do is shut your pie hole and listen to hip hop music at its finest.

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HERB, HERB, HERB: HERB IS THE WORD

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

xmas-kush

OH MY GOD IS HE TALKING ABOUT MARIJUANA? WEED? POT? GANJA? THAT MARY JANE GIRL?

Um, yes, actually I am. I’m only discussing it because it’s been such a hot debate that it’s literally smoking (pun intended). 14 states in the union have legalized medical marijuana. Maybe they see a good reason to legalize a drug that could reap in a few billion dollars of revenue for the government each year.

Regarding that, I thought I’d help out some of those states out with some slogans they could use in case they ever decide (or get forced) to legalize Ms. Mary Jane.

arizona

“Ever been to the desert….on weed?”

florida

“Wake up to a friendly joint and a glass of Florida orange juice!”

texas

“Toke up freely deep in the heart of Texas.”

wisconsin

“We’ve got wine and cheese and now weed and cheese.”

kentucky

“Growing blue weed on blue hills.”

louisiana

“Legalizing weed down in the bayou.”

tennessee-quarter

“Now you can smoke a bowl with Elvis!”

utah

“Never in a million years.”

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THE ARACHNIDS VS PREDATORS

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: WARRIOR BUGS VS PREDATORS

Many of you have surely seen one of the greatest action movies in the history of cinema, Predator. If you’ve been lucky to have seen Predator then there’s also a strong chance you’ve watched quirky science fiction/action flick Starship Troopers.

So, we know about the Predators, those bad ass hunters from another planet. We also know about the “bugs” (short for Arachnids in Starship Troopers) from planet Klendathu and how nasty and dangerous they are. But what if those mercenary Predators would happen to land on Planet Klendathu and have to go head to head with the “bugs”? Well, that’s why we’re here!

starship-troopers-warrior-bug

WARRIOR BUG

SIZE: 3-4 METERS TALL

Remember how nasty these bastards were at the beginning of Starship Troopers? And no, I haven’t read the book so don’t start jabbering about the book against the movie. Who cares? I’m just talking about the warrior bugs used by the Arachnids as their military against the humans. 

Is it fair that these disgusting monsters stand between nine and twelve feet? Or that they can burrow or climb and are incredibly quick and nimble, not to mention their colors reflect their desert surroundings?

Not only is it not fair but it’s the least of your concerns with the warrior bugs. No, the main concern for our Predator in this battle would be their treacherous mandibles that have the power to crush metal or rock as well as their ‘side mandibles” used like an enormous sword to slice and dice the opposition. Yep, folks, that’s what we call some bad news.

As it was stated in the movie about the warrior bug’s efficiency as a killing machine: “it is said that they can lose a limb and still fight at 86% efficiency.” Now, that’s unfair.

predator

THE PREDATOR

SIZE: 7 FT TALL

If you’re not a fan of the Predator, you’re a chump. This may just be the baddest son of a bitch in the universe pound for pound, in regards to the entire warrior culture. Standing seven feet tall and equipped with a wildly awesome arsenal of weapons, it’s no wonder Predators have been a part of counter pop culture for more than 20 years now. But could it match up with a warrior bug?

Luckily for the Predator in its fight against the warrior bug, it’s ridiculous strength is an advantage as well it’s ability to move willingly across rooftops and trees is a nice little talent to have. Also, their sight is based off heat, constantly adjusting to the elements surrounding them and refocusing their vision to fit the environment. However, this is only a function available to them if they’re wearing their specialty masks. Without the mask, their vision can’t easily form visible objects very well.

For the warrior bug, it have to be concerned with the spectacular weapons it has in Predators have in their possession. A large double-sided spear that shoots out at both ends when ready for fight. A disc-like blade that can cut through five humans standing in a row if needed. But its pride and joy might be the laser missle launcher it has perched up on its shoulder, a laser that will blow a hole the size of a hula hoop in whatever it hits. Also, Predators were designed to do nothing but hunt, something they’re so passionate about that if a hunting mission fails, they voluntarily commit honorable suicide by blowing themselves up. That’s serious dedication right there.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…Talk about tough! Although the warrior bug is two feet taller, the Predator was bred to hunt and fight and has more strategy than the bug who slashes at the Predator a few times, inflicting him with two big lacerations across his body. As the bug rears up to unleash its death blow, the Predator dips underneath and plunges his spear upward directly into the gut of the bug. The Predator steps back as the warrior bugs tries to recoup from its devastating wound. Sensing vulnerability, the Predator aims his missle launcher at the bug’s head area and sends a laser that blows the warrior bug to smithereens. GAME OVER.

PREDATOR WINS!

predator-2

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APPLE MY ASSHOLE, APPLE

Friday, April 24th, 2009


apple-logo2

It’s probably easy for most to say that Apple Inc is totally and completely 100% pop culture. Some would say it’s pop culture at its worst. However, since I am an absolute genius in the “pop culture” category, I must explain that Apple is not pop culture. Here, I’ll prove it: Look at the brilliance behind how their market their iPod.

apple-chick-11

Yep. That ain’t pop culture, my friends. Also, I’d like to note something: This week many big American companies have been reporting their earnings from the 1st quarter of 2009, a quarter that is predictably kicking the ever loving shit out of most corporate balance sheets. Yesterday it was Apple’s turns to report earnings. So what happens?

Apple Inc. reported a surprise gain in net income for its second fiscal quarter as sales of the company’s iPod and iPhone products came in ahead of expectations for the period.

You know how big that is in today’s economy? It’s HUGE! People hate on Apple a lot and for good reason: it’s got a self-obsessed following that really thinks Apple products are the greatest gadgets on earth.

apple-chick-5

Problem is, THEY’RE RIGHT! Hold your opinions, shitheads. Just remember something, regardless of whether you have a PC or not, Apple made PC its bitch. ‘Nuff said.

iphone-baby

*Sometimes you’re just born to be a pimp. I envy this kid.

Compare those earnings yesterday with this little headline from Apple’s Public Enemy #1, Microsoft just after the market closed today:

Software giant’s profit falls sharply, as sales of computers loaded with its software dip and it absorbs charges for layoffs and investments. Company says it sees weakness continuing through ‘at least the next quarter.’

The thing to remember about where Apple sits in the pop culture discussion is this: Less than 10 years ago, it was only Microsoft and Dell. That was pretty much it. Apple had it’s Macintosh but it wasn’t even close to the level of the other two. These days, the other two aren’t even close to the level of Apple. Funny how things change, ain’t it? Back then, Apple wasn’t in the public’s eye so much. A little but not much. Microsoft and Dell were and everyone shunned Apple. Why? Because it wasn’t pop culture yet. Now, it is. The difference? It told pop culture to fuck off and created their own direction and blew everyone out of the water. Take that, pop culture.

Case closed. Apple rocks. PC sucks ass. 

If you needed any more proof, I provide you with one more picture proving Apple’s brilliance.

apple-chick-301

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HALO, I’M iPHONE!

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

*Every once in a while I let my mind unravel and go nuts. This is the direct result of this unexplainable phenomenon. Well, it’s explainable but I’d rather not explain. Anyways, I did a unique spin on some products I have come to respect.

Halo, I’m Halo. I’m a video game that allows you to play your friends and other gamers anywhere in the entire world! I’m really, really fun and even more addicting. Like crack, I can keep gamers in their houses 24/7, 365. In fact, some gamers lose their friends and family over their Halo addictions. I also look super cool with incredibly futuristic graphics that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I’m such a fetish for such a large amount of gamers that I’ll be around for years and years to come. In fact, when your grandchildren ask you to get them Halo 15 for Christmas, you’ll have a head’s up.

halo-3

Halo, I’m iPhone! Just wanted to introduce myself as the most dominant gadget in the entire universe. Not only do I kick the crap out of all the other smartphones on a daily basis, I’m also growing more and more everyday! Hell, soon I’m going to be on the same level as Nintendo and Sony in the gaming console market because guess what people are starting to do a lot with their iPhones? That’s right! Gaming! Soon, I’m looking at taking over the world. Period.

71043866

Do I even need to mention my name? I’ve got something like a million television stations and movies and cartoons and merchandise and theme parks and all types of things. I mean, sometimes, honestly, I don’t even know half the stuff I own. There’s a chance I may even own you and your entire family! This brilliant guy named Walt Disney created me and now I’m to entertainment what the sky is to those meager little humans: ABOVE IT ALL.

disney-cornocopiea

 

Well, guys, I don’t do gadgets and I don’t do entertainment. My forte is food. Fast food to be exact. They call me The Golden Arch or Mickey D’s but you can just call me The Super because I own more real estate than anyone else on the planet! That’s right, McDonald’s is the name and kicking fast food ass is the game. Started in California and became an international juggernaut. Bow down and kiss my feet and don’t forget your Happy Meal on the way out.

mcdonalds

Ain’t world domination fun, guys? I’ve been doing it for years just like Mickey Mouse but I’m so big, the world goes to war over my products and I’m the biggest fish in the pond. Yep, I’m the King of Black Gold and the American public will be pumping gas at my ExxonMobil stations all across the wonderful states. I’m the kind of the company that makes billions an hour! That’s not a typo. It’s so good to know I’ve got some friends to talk to now. You know what the best part is? We’ve already taken over the world!

exxonmobil

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VELOCIRAPTORS VS ALIENS

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: RAPTORS VS ALIENS

velociraptors

VELOCIRAPTORS

SIZE: 5-7 FT  33 LBS (how they’re that tall but only weigh that much is beyond me)

Did you know that Velociraptor means “swift seizer” in latin for its rapid ferocity and speedy hunting style? Pretty cool, huh? If you’ve seen Jurassic Park or read the book by Michael Crighton, Velociraptors are something you’re very aware of. In fact, before Jurassic Park, had anyone even heard of such a dinosaur? T-Rex, yes. Velociraptor, no.

However, raptors (their shorter nickname) look almost like six or seven foot versions of the T-Rex although they’re a lot quicker, a lot more agile and run in packs. The T-Rex wasn’t known as a team player but merely a solo tyrant that felt it was in his best interest to kick ass and control the land of the dinosaurs itself. Raptors were just another dinosaur on the T-Rex’s menu but they were willing to fight T-Rex if it came down to it since the raptors traveled in gangs and could possibly fend off a much bigger dinosaur due to sheer numbers.

Another very distinct feature of the raptors is their extraordinarily long claw on each foot, primarily used to kill and disembowel prey. YUMMY! What’s even more surprising is the fact that animals, while we thought they were so closely related to reptiles, are a little closer in relation to birds. YECH! Boy, do I hate me a bird. Unless it’s birds of prey. If only birds could be cooler like their dinosaur ancestors maybe I could show them a little bit of love. Until then, no can do. Tweet, tweet, bitches.

Also, another note about Velociraptors: Jurassic Park’s version of the raptor was a little exaggerated. First off, they were larger and heavier and more streamlined than the true Velociraptors. True raptors were actually more colorful and came equipped with feathers (there’s your bird reference) and were apparently smaller and lighter. Either way, they look a little too dangerous for my tastes. Now, on to their competition.

avp

ALIENS (XENOMORPH)

SIZE: 7-8 FT  150-300 LBS (estimated)

When I first saw Aliens as an eight year old, I was so damn scared I couldn’t even take a bath without having my mommy standing outside in fear that an alien would come crashing through the ceiling in order to put an alien embryo in my little eight year old tummy. Scared the ever loving shit out of me and still kind of does to this day, and I’m thirty years old now!

Something about their sleek, black, sinister and emotionless bodies with those disgustingly, drool-covered large, gnashing teeth and that super long, slashing tail with the sharp tip that is used as a anatomical sword on humans. Everything about the aliens scares me, including that acid they have for blood. It was always a pleasure to read or watch any Aliens Vs Predator stories, hoping the Predators would send the Aliens away for good. Never did happen and probably never will.

As 100% parasitic creatures, aliens have absolutely no mission other than to seek and destroy any living threat to their population of alien organisms. Seeking to find human or animal hosts for their eggs, aliens do whatever it takes to maintain the future of their brethren, especially when their queen is double their size at fifteen feet tall and change. Mama Alien in the movie Aliens is one of the most frightening movie monsters of all time. Watching Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) go head to head with Mama Alien in a large, metal body suit is worth watching even if it’s a youtube.com version. It’s one of the classic fight scenes between human and monster.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…This is as tough as it gets since, naturally, aliens are bigger than raptors. Pit them up against one another at equal size, I feel it’s an even match. The raptor, quicker and a little more agile, sweeps in for a blow with its large claw. It rips open part of the alien’s abdomen, sending a puddle of steaming hot acid splattering onto the poor raptor’s lower body. After a loud, ear-splitting screech from the raptor, the alien musters up the strength to drive its sharp tail through the raptor’s body, ripping it completely in half. Raptor dead, alien survives, albeit, in pain. Lots of pain.

ALIENS WIN

alien-queen

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