Here we go, from 15 to 1

15) Tie

Self-Destruction (KRS One, MC Lyte, Kool Moe Dee, Stetsasonic, D-Nice, Ms. Melodie, Doug E. Fresh, Just Ice, Heavy D, Public Enemy)

Doug E. Fresh: “Things been stated, re-educated, evaluated/thoughts of the past have faded.”

We’re All In The Same Gang (King Tee, Body & Soul, Def Jef, Michel’le, Tone Loc, Above the Law, Ice-T, Dr. Dre, MC Ren, JJ Fad, Young MC, Digital Underground, Oaktown’s 3.4.7., MC Hammer, Eazy E)

Young MC: “I try my best to set an example, sayin hype lyrics over hip-hop samples.”

14) What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?) (Shaq & Fuschnicken)

Chip: “So howdy, my partner, I starts to get meaner/so ask Bob for hope, nope, not Mr. Bob Dobailina/oh, where has my mic gone? Tell me, have you seen her?/I stretch like a condom and gets plump like a weiner.”

13) Headbanger (EPMD, K-Solo, Redman)

Redman: “Surpise niggaz, the original p-funks you up/I take a hit from a spliff and then get biz with the new cut/because I can jam like teddy if you let me/a Goodfella but still rugged like Joe Pesci.”

12) Uni4orm (Cannabis, Ras Kass, Heltah Skeltah)

Cannabis: “I pulverize MC’s and blow up mics/from street corner cyphers to international web sites/I’ll run up on you and set it for no reason/my flows are like body-blows that cause internal bleeding.”

11) Live At The BBQ (Nas, Akinele, Large Professor, Fatal)

Nas: “Poetry attacks, paragraphs punch hard /my brain is insane, I’m out to lunch God /science is dropped, my raps are toxic /my voicebox locks and excels like a rocket.“

10) The Symphony (Masta Ace, Craig G, Kool G Rap, Big Daddy Kane)

Kool G Rap: “When G Rap strikes the mic, I recite the type of hype that you like/and make the people unite, grip up hips and zip up lips/step on reps, you flip and wanna sip on my tip.”

9) Triumph (Wu-Tang Clan)

Inspektah Deck: “I bomb atomically, Socrates’ philosophies/and hypothesis can’t define how I be droppin these/mockeries, lyrically perform armed robbery/flee with the lottery, possibly they spotted me.”

What’s the Difference? (Dr. Dre, Phish, Xzibit, Eminem)

Xzibit: “Yo I stay wit it while you try to perpetrate, play wit it/never knew about the next level until Dre did it (yeah!)/I stay committed while you motherfuckers baby-sitted/I smash you critics like a overhand right from Riddick”

7) Flava In Ya Ear (Remix) (Craig Mack, Rampage, Notorious BIG, LL Cool J)

Busta Rhymes.: “Five new flavas on beat…feel the fuckin’ heat/I really think you should retreat while we blow up the street/instead of copping pleas just freeze, maintain the focus while we smoke these marijuana trees.”

6) Lafleur Laflah Eshkoshka (Fab 5 – Heltah Skeltah, Original Gun Clappaz, Buckshot)

Rockness Monsta: “Ay carumba, strang gun clappa number/one on the set and I’ll cut ya like lumber/still play the back in my thundergear, down to my underwear/make all you muthafuckas wonder where”

5) The Points (Notorious BIG, Coolio, Doodle Bug, Big Mike, Buckshot, Redman, Menace Clan, Heltah Skeltah, Bone Thugs, Jamal)

The four short verses by Bone is part of the reason this is one of the top 5 posse cuts of all time. Biggie, Buckshot, Redman and Jamal are all pretty good as well.

4) Soweto – (Pep Love, Tajai, Casual, Del, A-Plus, Opio of Hieroglyphics)

Del: “So I go astray throw aways blow away/every hope I hold today, we were sold as slaves/the sky is cold and grey, my niggas showed the way/so fan and listen now with this I see my golden age.”

3) Hit ‘Em Up – (Tupac & Outlawz, E.D.I. Mean, Hussein Fatal, Yaki Kadafi)

Tupac (Chorus): “Grab ya glocks, when you see Tupac/call the cops, when you see Tupac (uhh)/who shot me, but ya punks didn’t finish/now ya bout to feel the wrath of a menace nigga, I hit em’ up…”

2) Scenario (Tribe Called Quest & Leaders of the New School)

Phife Dawg: “Aiyyo Bo knows this (what?) and Bo knows that (what?)/but Bo don’t know jack, cause Bo can’t rap/well whaddya know? the Di-Dawg is first up to bat/no batteries included, and no strings attached.”

1) Notorious Thugs (Notorious BIG, Bone Thugs & Harmony)

Notorious: “Spit yo’ game, talk yo’ shit/grab yo’ gat, call yo’ click/squeeze yo’ clip, hit the right one/pass that weed, I got to light one/all them niggaz, I got ta fight one/all them hoes, I got ta like one/our situation is a tight one/whatcha gonna do, fight or run?”

*You’re ruining my brand new Lexus you monkey bastards!

Always remember that the pretty girl next to you is probably prettier than the celebrity chick you’re obsessed over.

THANK THE MAKE-UP ARTISTS!

Because people wear plastic bottles for shoes in other countries.

‘Nuff said.

FLOCK OF SEAGULLS

HIT SONG: “I Ran”

“And I ran, I ran so far away.
I just ran, I ran all night and day.
I couldn’t get away.”

No shit, they were a flock of sea gulls since they kind of picked up and flew away forever after their enormous one hit wonder “I Ran”. Funny how they named themselves Flock of Seagulls and looked like, well, a flock of new wave 80′s sea gulls.

DEF LEPPARD

HIT SONG: “Pour Some Sugar On Me”

“(pour some sugar on me)
Ooh, in the name of love
(pour some sugar on me)
C’mon fire me up
(pour your sugar on me)
Oh, I can’t get enough”

Now, Def Leppard was no one hit wonder but their success is pretty much confined to the 80′s decade, a little in the late late 70′s. But their huge hits were “Hysteria”, “Love Bites” and “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, all hit singles from their most successful album, Hysteria, a record that, unbeknownst to us all, sold over 15 million copies worldwide. Whatever happened to ya, Def?

JODY WATLEY

HIT SONG: “Everything”

“I was too blind to see
When you belonged to me
You were my everything
Now I’d give anything 
To feel the love you bring
You were my everything”

Before J-Lo and Beyonce there was Paula Abdul and Jody Watley, a dancer/singer that nobody seems to remember anymore. She started off as a professional dancer for Soul Train and then her second album, Larger Than Life, was pretty much larger than life, blowing her up. After that, Jody went bye-bye. Destiny’s Child redid her “Sweet Sixteen” track back in 1999 but that was 10 years ago. Apparently, she’s back to recording her own brand of R&B.

BILLY OCEAN

HIT SONG: “Caribbean Queen“

“Caribbean queen
Now we’re sharing the same dream
And our hearts they beat as one
No more love on the run”

After his 1984 global blockbuster single “Caribbean Queen”, Billy Ocean kept delivering with “Get Outta My Dreams”, “Loverboy” and “When the Going Gets Tough”. After that, it was as if Billy fell into the ocean because nobody’s seen, heard or said a word about the “Caribbean Queen” voice since.

DEBBIE GIBSON

HIT SONG: “Electric Youth”

“Electric youth
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
To the future itself/in the hands of itself
And the future is
Electric youth
Its true you cant fight it
Live by it
The next generation…”

Well, Debbie was huge in the late 80′s because it seemed there was another music video of her on MTV every week. Nowadays, not so much although she’s still a prominent figure on Broadway, appearing in such shows as Beauty and the Beast, Les Miserables and Grease. She also keeps making music but chooses to release them on her own label, Espiritu Records. Hopefully her lyrics have matured from that “Electric Youth” hook

Whoomp! (There it is) – Tag Team

“There’s a party over here
A party over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake the deriere
These three words mean you’re gettin’ busy
Whoomp there it is
Whoomp there it is”

They lost me at “deriere”, a term not listed in any dictionary in my house. So, I guess we should remember that the three words, “shake the deriere” means you’re getting busy. Got it? Neither do I. Let’s move on.

Y.M.C.A. – The Village People

“It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. 
It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. 
They have everything that you need to enjoy, 
You can hang out with all the boys … 
It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. 
It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. 
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal 
You can do whatever you feel …”

Well, we all know the Village People are gay but that’s not the point. The lyrics are just a little too perverted and suspect for our children to be listening to these days. It seems to be hinting at something more devious and sinister. I don’t know, that’s just me. Either way, the lyrics suck.

MMMBop – Hanson Brothers

“Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It’s a secret no one knows
It’s a secret no one knows”

You have to wonder if this is a song or a god damn motivational tool for the garden. Honestly, I don’t want to plant a seed or a flower or a rose because that secret that no one knows may not be such a great secret after all. Ever think of that, Hanson Brothers!?

Livin’ La Vida Loca – Ricky Martin

“She’s into superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls. 
I feel a premonition that girl’s gonna make me fall. 
She’s into new sensations new kicks in the candle light. 
She’s got a new addiction for every day and night. 
She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain. 
She’ll make you live her crazy life but she’ll take away your pain 
like a bullet to your brain. Come On!”

Ever met a chick that was into “superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls”? WTF are we talking about here, Ricky? C’mon, dude! Oh, and by the way, no matter how hot a girl is, they ain’t getting a dude to take off his clothes and go dancing in the rain. Believe me, I know how the fellows think and they won’t be dancing in the damn rain naked. ‘Nuff said. 

Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith

“Everybody lookin at me
Glancin the kid
Wishin they was dancin a jig
Here with this handsome kid
Ciga-cigar right from cuba-cuba
I just bite it
Its for the look I dont light it
Illway the an-may on the ance-day oor-flay
Givin up jiggy make it feel like foreplay
Yo, my car, yo its infinite-
Ha ha
Big willie styles all in it
Gettin jiggy wit it”

It would have been nice if the Fresh Prince (I’m old school so I call him by his real first name) had stopped and let his career end at the summer classic, “Summertime”. Unfortunately, Will wanted to keep showing off and make money so he started making the shittiest rap songs ever. “Illway the an-may on the ance-day oor-flay” sounds like baby talk, Will, and that just ain’t right. Put a lid on the dumb shit, dude.

That probably reads pretty strange but it was damn fun to write anyhow! I decided to put my stop pop culture feelers out there and it came up with a list of current douches that need to be pointed out. 

POLITICAL DOUCHE: RUSH LIMBAUGH

Rush ain’t shit, just so you all know. He’s a big pussy hiding behind a giant conservative bark that’s sounds way more intimidating than it really is. Truth be told, Limbaugh is a little Douchbaugh.

MUSIC DOUCHE: KANYE WEST

Sometimes you just have to let your talents speak for itself and shut your pie hole. Kanye is the quintessential representative of this since just about everything he’s said in the last few years has put him next to the dictionary term “douche”.

MOVIE DOUCHE: JOAQUIN PHOENIX

Here’s what Joaquin/Leaf “I’m a rapper but it’s a hoax but I’m really actually now a rapper” Phoenix doesn’t seem to understand about the rumors circulating his new career as an emcee and the other rumor that this new career is all a big masquerade: EITHER WAY, YOU’RE STILL A FUCKING DOUCHE FOR DOING IT.

SPORTS DOUCHE: TERRELL OWENS

Terrell Owens probably names everything he owns Terrell Owens because he’s that much in love with himself. He’s plays in the NFL but his real profession is bitching and moaning and talking about TO. If he doesn’t get his, TO makes sure everyone else gets theirs by pointing fingers at his own teammates over and over again. At the same time, TO hasn’t been catching passes like TO used to so maybe TO needs to shut his pie hole because TO is a grade A 100% douche.

DIVA DOUCHE: MADONNA

First, Madonna was rumored to be banging A-Rod behind their spouses’ backs. Also, I think it’s time to let it be known that Madonna’s time in revealing outfits is up as she’s close to the century mark and her face looks like an old Italian woman who’s getting ready to cook up some great sauce. In addition to that, the country of Malawi rejected her request to adopt a child there. It’s because Malawi knew Madonna was a douche.

$$$MONEY$$$ SALMA HAYEK

Salma seems like such a sweet girl, doesn’t she? Remember when she first appeared in American cinema with Antonio Banderas in Desperado? Smooooooooookin’! Strangely, she almost looks better today then she did back then but we’re talking apples and oranges here. Naturally, Salma, yours are something to be reckoned with.

PORN HONEY – CHRISTY CANYON

Christy Canyon is one of those porn stars that’s been in the game for years. You mention her name out loud on the streets and chances are someone knows it, maybe more than just a few people too. Christy also broke into the industry back when producers wanted their porn queens to be stacked naturally, possibly a 1980′s trend of some sort. If you’d like more information about Canyon, find her porn autobiography, Lights, Camera, Sex!, a read I’m sure will be interesting if not entertaining.

PLAYBOY BUNNY-GIANNA MAZZON

Gianna’s a pretty, all natural Playmate from San Diego, CA. Apparently, the dudes really dig her boobies as they are not only 100% organic, but rather large 34D sized breasts. Personally, I’m not big into Playmates as it’s tough to tell how pretty they really are due to the make-up and air brushing along with the fact that many of these gorgeous women take some of their gorgeous out by replacing their naturals with fakes. Stupid.

AND THE WINNER IS…Very tough since the three women here sort of feel like they’re on an equal plane. However, while Gianna Mazzon’s 34D’s are an eye-popper and Christy Canyon’s enormous jugs are as well, this victory goes to Salma Hayek who is beautiful, sweet and has a rack that’s the envy of many women in the world, including other female celebrities.

SALMA HAYEK WINS

Sagging was cool back in, oh I don’t know, 1992! For something that was invented back in the ’90′s, it’s surely resurfaced, albeit in the wrong way. It was only necessary to point this out specifically. Take a look below!

*Easier to work on the ride witcha pants hangin’, homie.

*Does this skinny bastard even have an ass?! What’s with the wife beater too? You ain’t got muscles, douche bag!

*What’s worse? The over-the-top sagging or that SUPER over-the-top belt?

*So, now it’s sagging AND showing your buttcrack? Interesting.

*Even the chicks in Japan are sagging. Wouldn’t mind if the girls here did this.

*It’s starting waaaaaaaaay too young now.

*HOLY SHIT! Alright, I give up now. This ended it for me.

Next time you here that tune you may wonder about birds. But what about birds? Are any of them even dangerous? I absolutely, positively, beyond the shadow of a doubt, HATE FUCKING BIRDS! Unless it’s eagles or raptors or falcons or any other birds that we call birds of prey. They’re cool. The birds chirping outside of my god damn window at seven in the morning are chumps.

Anyways, some very dangerous birds on our planet you’d rather not encounter.

CASSOWARY (Genus - Casuarius)

Native only to Papua New Guinea and northeastern Australia, the cassowary is a large, flightless bird with an ugly blue head and a big feathery body, almost as if they were giant peacocks without those beautiful, grand feathers. However, unlike NBC’s little mascot, the cassowary is packed with some attitude and some gnarly claws on its feet. Usually shy, the bird will unleash its fury in an instant if it feels threatened and they’ve got the strength to break bones and fatally wound children and dogs with their kicks. OUCH! They’re still super ugly though.

SEA GULL (Family - Laridae)

Another bird I can’t stand since it really makes life at the beach, harbor, pier and docks a nightmare. They swoop down and eat your fish, crap all over the place and make way too much damn noise. They’re also mean, nasty and hostile. Just ask people in Great Britain where they have a bad sea gull problem. Remember that Hitchcock movie, The Birds? Well, obviously he wasn’t bullshitting since he must have known how dangerous those annoying aviators were.

RHEA (Genus - Rhea)

A rhea is basically the South American ostrich since they look very similar, belong to the same group of birds and are both ugly. Really, really ugly. However, they’re both also really, really fast and powerful for a bird. A rhea is about a third of the size of an ostrich but it doesn’t lack punch. They may not be as quick to a bad temper as the ostrich or cassowary but if the rhea does get pissed off, it’s kick packs 800 pounds of force per inch. But it’s still ugly.

OSTRICH (Struthio camelus)

Far and away the most dangerous bird of them all, the ostrich is the also the largest, heaviest and meanest bird in the world. It rules the kingdom of the birds with a heavy hand, no other bird even within 200 pounds and a few feet of the ostrich. What makes the ostrich so frightening is the fact that it not only has an attitude but has a kick so powerful it can kill a hyena! Oh, and it can chase you at 30 mph for over ten miles. Yep, that would certainly suck! Maybe that picture above will scare you off enough not to ever want to be face to face with an ugly old ostrich.