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MONEY, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Okay, it was only going to happen sooner or later that I moved on to the beautiful, trashy and sexy black women in the world, especially ones that could fall under the money, honeys and Playboy bunnies category. Here goes nothing.

lisa-wu-hartwell

$$$MONEY&&&: LISA WU-HARTWELL

And who can love you like me (nobody) 
Who can sex you like me (nobody) 
Who can lay your body down (nobody) 
Nobody, baby (nobody) – Nobody – Keith Sweat

Real Housewives of Atlanta’s very own Lisa Wu-Hartwell probably wouldn’t be too stoked about me posting those lyrics from her ex-husband, Keith Sweat. Then again, do I care? I do not. Now, she’s married to Edgerton Hartwell, a NFL linebacker that was good with the Baltimore Ravens but now can’t find a team to take him. Her little motto is “If it doesn’t make me money, I won’t do it” and that explains her three businesses as well as her bankruptcy in 2007. Interesting. Anyways, there you have it. If you even cared.

domonique-simone

HONEY: DOMONIQUE SIMONE

Domonique (that’s the spelling, folks) has had a rough life, like most porn stars. Domonique also has tremendously large tits because of tremendously large breast implants, like most porn stars. She’s given it her all for over 200 films and, unfortunately, is starting to look like she has.

ida-ljundquist

PLAYBOY BUNNY: IDA LJUNGQVIST

Don’t bother with the last name since it’s a real son of a bitch to pronounce on first look so I’m calling her Ida Issa since when I first looked at her pic all I said was “Ida is a beautiful thang!”. See, Ida Issa Swedish/Tanzanian hybrid, her daddy from the Alps and her mother from Africa. Ida Issa only playmate that was born in Africa as a matter of fact. You know, sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy the view. Which reminds me: Is there a race of people out there called Gorgeous? I think there might be. Th has to be.

AND THE WINNER IS…IDA ISSA WINNER!

Was there really any question here? Miss Wu-Hartwell can’t figure out whether she likes money or spending money, the other looks way beyond her best porn years and the last is as pretty a woman as earth could provide mankind. 

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MORE THINGS THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

beavis-butt-head

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD (MIKE JUDGE)

Sure, the show was on MTV, but I’m not giving them credit for airing the damn thing. Mike Judge created it and did the voices, an incredible feat when I look back at it. Just hearing Beavis and Butt-Head laugh like maniacal hyper-sexual teenaged boys who just saw the greatest rack they’ve ever seen walk by them. The show is downright crude, juvenile, stupid, disturbing and might hurt you from all the laughing it forces. Butt-Head is the leader, Beavis the super hyperactive sidekick with a nervous tick. Their friendship is perfect, their humor outlandish, the show seamless.

whereswaldo1

WHERE’S WALDO? (MARTIN HANDFORD)

Remember how silly you thought this children’s book was until you opened it and found yourself excited with the whole childish notion of finding Waldo amongst an enormous crowd? A lot of it had to do with how goofy and likeable Waldo was along with the fact that there were so many diverse kinds of crowds within the pages of the books that you would often find yourself in awe of how easily he fit in without you noticing. You know, sometimes I just wish I was a kid again so I could do things like finding Waldo and not look like a complete jerk off while doing it.

PN004289

COMIC RELIEF (BOB ZMUDA & HBO)

Our country is desperately missing big comedy events like this every year or two to cheer up the folks that ain’t in the best of moods. Comic Relief used to put on one of the best comedy events every time it through one, and it used to throw this epic stand-up using many different significant comics more frequently. With Billy Crystal, Robin Williams and Whoopi Goldberg as the comedy threesome sent from heaven, the show never got boring. Crystal was the smooth jazzy musician, Williams the middle aged kid with severe ADHD and Goldberg as the mediator, keeping the trio heading in the right direction the entire show. If you can, it’s worth picking up some of the ’80′s and ’90′s ones on DVD.

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STUFF THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Here’s a few more things in the old memory bank I thought they could bring back for us:

calvinhobbes-dancing

CALVIN AND HOBBES 

I cried on December 31, 1995, the final day of Bill Watterson’s incredibly memorable and hilarious comic strip, Calvin and Hobbes. Sad day for us all because it was hard finding a strip better than a mischievous and peculiar little seven year old boy named Calvin and his “homicidal, psycho, jungle cat” stuffed animal tiger best friend, Hobbes. Though it was a comic strip, the realities within the strip were very easy to point out from Calvin’s rambunctious personality to the overwhelmed mother and father filled with sarcastic one-liners. Still haven’t found a strip to match Calvin and Hobbes. In fact, I haven’t even come close. Sad. :(

mtv-moonman

MTV MOONMAN & MTV

MTV sucks. I know that, you know that and everyone who has even a small portion of a brain knows that. But there was a time when MTV was the bomb, tuned in to every day by the folks from my generation after a long (or short if you were ditching) day at school. And it used to be that the MTV Moonman would come at the end of EVERY commercial they did to put that MTV flag into the moon as he’s known to do. Also, MTV used to do something: PLAY MUSIC VIDEOS. I always wondered why a cable television network would call itself “Music Television” and the completely move away from music. Sounds a little contradictory, doesn’t it? Well, if you want to know why MTV sucks nowadays, here’s your answer: THERE’S NO MORE MUSIC.

deadwood

DEADWOOD (HBO)

One of the greatest one hour drama shows I’ve ever seen in my life, Deadwood was so good, I used to be filled with excitement all day Saturday and Sunday because I knew a brand new episode would be airing Sunday night. Filled with cursing, violence and naked women, Deadwood, South Dakota was a made-up name of the town the show took place in during the 1870′s when gold was the number one dream Americans were aiming to find. To give you some stats on the show that you may find appealing or not, depending on what you’re made of: the f-word was said 43 times during the first hour of the show. The f-word was spoken a grand total of 2980 during the total 36 episodes the show ran. BTW: Al Swearengen, the show’s main character, may be the greatest character I’ve ever witnessed in a one hour drama series.

ali_landry_19

DORITOS GIRL ALI LANDRY

Doritos, in my mind, has one of the best records of all the food product manufacturers as far as consistently putting out a good product with a good flavor that’s just, well, GOOD. So, putting Doritos (Frito-Lay owns the brand) on such a high pedestal means they’ve rarely disappointed. In fact, in the entire history of Doritos, they’ve only made two bad decisions in my opinion: the discontinuing of the Jumpin’ Jack Doritos (one of the greatest and rarest Doritos flavors of all time) and not keeping Doritos girl, Ali Landry, otherwise known as ONE OF THE HOTTEST CHICKS ON EARTH around for longer. Ali is so fine, she made a salty, cheese, ranchy Dorito sexy as hell. Anyone who can make you think sex everytime you eat a Dorito is SMOOOOOOOOOOKIN’ HOT.

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MONEY, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Friday, March 6th, 2009

For some reason, this week, I wanted to make the MONEY part of this segment someone from the political world being that politics in such a focal point of our country right now. Don’t be angry at me. 

$$$MONEY$$$

meghan-mccain

*even though Daddy lost, Daddy’s little girl is pretty cute

MEGHAN McCAIN (JOHN’S DAUGHTER)

You all know I’m a Democrat but you also all know I’m not predjudice to Republicans, especially when they’re hot. Anyways, scouring around, I come across this article on cnn.com written by Meghan about how Daddy’s campaign killed her love life. Apparently, she’s single. Apparently, she knows a bunch of douchey guys with no sacks because if they’re letting a cutie like Meghan slide by, they may just be women dressed as men. Trannies, possibly. You just never know.

HONEY

Mann Village Theatre

STORMY DANIELS (SENATOR PORN STAR?)

Stormy as you might know is a porn star. You may have heard her name during election time because her name was thrown around to campaign against a Republican Senator from Louisiana in 2010. Seems that every few years a porn star puts on some clothes and claims to be a politician. Certainly would be interesting having a former porn star as a Senator though. Especially if we could hear them discuss safe sex and teen pregnancy. That’d be awesome! And entertaining.

PLAYBOY BUNNY

india-allen

INDIA ALLEN (1988 PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR)

Self described “die-hard Republican”, India Allen was 1988′s Playmate of the Year. Maybe Hugh Hefner and his staff lost their eye sight in 1987 and couldn’t see the 1988 playmates of the month very well. Either way, I’d like to know where a white girl like this gets name like India from. There’s certainly nothing saying “India” about her. Also, it turned me off to know that she “loves” cigars. This is probably sexist but the ladies shouldn’t “love” cigars. That’s just nasty. 

AND THE WINNER IS…I’m not feeling the Playmate since she’s a die-hard Republican and loves cigars. Stormy Daniels is a porn star possibly running for Senate but she’s a little too t”bleached” for me if you know what I mean. I’m also not huge on redheads who want to be blondes. Meghan is cute and seems sweet even though she’s got that problem with her Daddy being John McCain and all. But MEGHAN McCAIN takes this one.

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STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Scanning my memory along the thousands of terrible movies the world of cinema has delivered to us in my lifetime, I decided to stick with the times and lash out on a recent flick that seemed to garner WAY TOO MUCH attention for a film that didn’t really deserve it. Films don’t deserve unnecessary praise when they’re just a watered down version of a movie before them that was way more original and just better all around. So, this time around, I decided to take teenage vampires to task because the love they’ve gotten recently is a little too “MTV” for me. And I don’t do MTV because MTV sucks.

twilight-movie-poster

TWILIGHT (Summitt Entertainment 2008)

Twilight started as a novel by Stephenie Meyer and became the teen vampire book became an enormous success with a bunch of different spin offs of the original. The wildly successful movie is its most prosperous project to date, taking in over $190 million in box office revenue. 

It tells the story of Isabella Swan (Bella) whose migration from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington entails the usual teen angst until she gets her life saved by a teen vampire who stops a moving van with his bare hands in the parking lot of their high school. Turns out Edward Cullen is a vampire, along with his family however, unlike most vampires, Edward and his blood-thirsty family drink the blood of animals rather than humans as their vampirish race should be doing. 

More stuff happens and twists get thrown into the whole ordeal to provide fans with a vague and unoriginal story usually reserved for movies like this. I’m not a fan of the book so I could care less how accurate the movie is in relation to the book but apparently, it’s a far cry from the novel in a bad way. But that’s usually the case with books taking a chance at the silver screen.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

lost-boys

THE LOST BOYS (Warner Bros. 1987)

Funny how this 1987 horror/comedy movie about cool teenaged vampires was also about a teenager originally from Arizona who moves over to the west coast, this time to sunny California. Jason Patric plays Michael but this movie has tons and tons of good actors such as Diane Wiest, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, teen superstars of the 1980′s. The cast alone sends it way passed Twilight in the “which is better” discussion so let’s put that to rest right off the bat.

As for originality, Twilight doesn’t stand a chance against The Lost Boys because not only is the actual story more creative and unique, the characters themselves are all so different, they each have their own little way of doing things, making each of them distinct. Basically, the coastal down of Santa Carla, California is infested by a local gang that, in all actuality, is really a gang of vampires with a twist. It’s so much like the normal gang activity that they even have an initiation rite for Michael (Patric).

To make this easy on you, get on your Netflix and get this bad boy sent to your house. Either that, or hit up the local video store and grab this on DVD. If you like any or all teenaged vampire movies, it’s damn near impossible for this one to disappoint. If it does, it’s probably a problem with your head, not the movie.

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DEADLY ANIMALS: REPTILES!

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

I have a good friend, bless her heart, that is terrified of snakes. T-E-R-R-F-I-E-D. It’s so bad, in fact, that when she comes over, my fiance and I can’t even watch a show on television with snakes or any reptile for that matter. The point I’m making? People are really scared shitless of reptiles so I figured it would be a good subject. Although I like reptiles, I understand why people wouldn’t like them.

So, for those scaly, beady-eyed reptilians, a list…

ferdelance-snake

FER-DE-LANCE (Bothrops asper)

This is one of those snakes that is so feared that it’s known in the snake world as the “ultimate pitviper”, meaning that in a family of other really poisonous serpents, this is one of the worst. It’s known to kill the most people in Central and South America, luckily for us, the only part of the world it roams. By the way, you have a light stomach, you should skip the next few pictures.

DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED TWICE NOW

ferdelance-bite-on-leg 

*fer-de-lance victim

arm

SALTWATER CROCODILE (Crocodylus porosus)

For a reptile that lives over 50 or 60 years, this is one old bastard you do not want to be near. First off, it is ENORMOUS. Salties (the Australian term) can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh 3000 pounds. And don’t forget that evil grin filled with a bunch of gnarly teeth. Not only is it the largest and heaviest reptile on planet Earth, this bad boy and his family have been around so long, they used to eat with the dinosaurs. I’m glad these guys mostly confined to Australia, Papua New Guinea and parts of Southeast Asia. Watching them on television works just fine for me, thank you.

crocodile-sign

*this sign cracks me up

komodo-dragon

KOMODO DRAGON (Varanus komodoensis)

Thank heavens that the Komodo dragon only dwells on a few tiny islands around Indonesia because it is big, nasty and loves rotten meat. Most of the times, the dragon feeds on carrion (dead animals) but they’re known to prey on large mammals such as deer and boar with a stealth ambush, going right for the throat or underside of the animal. Far and away the biggest lizard in the word, it ranges being between 6-9 1/2 feet and up to 150 pounds. Their scariest attribute is the bacteria in their saliva that contains so many different kinds of deadly bacteria, including the one that causes sepsis, it’s best to just stay away from those small islands and stay away from Komodo dragons altogether.

It would be fun to have one of these in the backyard if you had the room. Imagine having company and inviting them to see your pet dragon. Of course, no one would ever believe you. But, once you took them out back, wouldn’t their reactions be great? I don’t know, just me thinking crazy, I guess.

komodo-eats-buffalo

*sometimes I think we’re sharing the planet with animals and not the other way around

alligator-snapping-turtle

ALLIGATOR SNAPPING TURTLE  (Macrochelys temminckii)

Does it surprise you more that there’s a dangerous turtle in the United States or the fact that it can possibly bite your hand off? Quite possibly the ugliest living thing the planet has to offer, the alligator snapping turtle makes its home in the southeastern U.S. in the Mississippi River and all of its surrounding bodies of water. These turtles may not be long but they can weigh up to 200 pounds and have a nasty bite to back it up. Though they’re not deadly, should you be wading in the swamps of the south and bump into one of these, you could very well lose a few toes.


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MONEY, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

I thought it might do us all some good to compare a few brunettes in this category. Let’s take a look, shall we?

$MONEY$

lauren-conrad

LAUREN CONRAD

The main star of MTV’s The Hills, Lauren Conrad is just another hot rich girl who was a friend of a friend whose father has a lot of connections or something along those lines. The show is about nothing and I don’t care to elaborate because that would be giving the show and its characters a little too much credit. I think many of you feel me on this. However, I don’t lie, and Miss Conrad is a beautiful girl but how does she match up against some of our other contestants?

HONEY

asia-carrera

ASIA CARRERA

Asia Carrera was a world famous porn star for about 10 years from 1993-2003. Now, if you can get over the fact that she’s hot and obviously a freak, I’ll let you in on something interesting: Asia Carrera has an IQ over 150! Yep. Bet Lauren Conrad can’t claim anything of that nature.  On the contrary, Conrad wasn’t getting banged on camera all the time either so that’s in her favor by most people’s standards. Either way, she’s one of the most popular porn stars of all time. 

PLAYBOY BUNNY

carmella-decesare

CARMELLA DECESARE

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

Anybody who disagrees with me needs to see a psychiatrist.

Until next week, so long.

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DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: CATS!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

*People love dogs and cats the world over. I’d say, overall, dogs are ahead as far as lovable pets go but that doesn’t mean that cats are far behind. However, out in the wild, there are WAY more cats than dogs and wild cats, otherwise known as big cats, make wild dogs look like house cats. They’re pretty damn cool though, whether they’re huge or just a bit bigger than domestic cats. I think I owe it to you all to list some of the more dangerous and deadly big cats across the globe.

So, in honor of those dangerous, furry, cuddly cats, a list…

jaguar-kills-caiman

JAGUAR (Panthera onca)

SIZE: 5-6 FT  125-300LBS

The Jaguar (and we ain’t talking cars here, folks) can call the lion, tiger and leopard family. Not only is it the third largest cat in the world, it’s the biggest in the New World otherwise known as the Western Hemisphere (big cats in Africa, Asia and India are considered part of the Old World).

And check this out: jaguars tend to get bigger the further south you go. That means, stay out of South America, especially places like Argentina and Uruguay probably wouldn’t be nice places to go prancing around in the rain forest. You wouldn’t want to meet a jaguar either because, pound for pound, it’s got the most powerful bite of the family. Fortunately for you, jaguars rarely attack humans.

What it does attack is pretty damn impressive, however. In the picture above, he’s got a tasty caiman (a South American crocodile relative) in his mouth meaning he can kick some major ass. In addition to caimans, jaguars will kill capybaras (largest rodents in the world), deer, tapirs (one of the weirdest looking mammals in the world), turtles, mice, birds, frogs, dogs, peccaries (a kind of pig), dogs, foxes, monkeys, and, my favorite one of all, anacondas. 

Anything that can hunt an anacanda is a gangsta. Period. End of discussion.

leopard-with-kill

LEOPARD (Panthera pardus)

SIZE: 3-6FT  80-200LBS

The leopard is the baby of the family, being that it’s the smallest. This doesn’t give you a pass to provoke the thing but I’m just stating the facts here. There’s not too many of these around because we keep murdering them as always but they’re primarily in Africa but some leopard species still call parts of Asia, India and Pakistan home.

While you may think leopards look like jaguars and vice versa, the rosette patterns on the leopard lack the inside patterns the jaguar possesses. Remember that and also that it’s smaller. Another thing to know: the mystical “black panther” is really a melanistic leopard or jaguar, not a panther (aka mountain lion, cougar)).

On to the fun part: what they eat. Leopards don’t have quite the magnitude of their bigger family members but it makes up for it in other ways. It will prey upon a variety of different creatures big and small including ungulates (hoofed mammals), rodents, monkeys, fish and reptiles. The key difference here is that a jaguar, unlike any other cat in the fam, can drag prey up to three times its own body weight up a tree.

When it comes to us, leopards will try to avoid humans. However, they’ve been known to be vicious hunters of man in the past. The legendary Indian leopard, Leopard of Penar, was said to have killed over 400 men. There have been other stories of leopards killing over 100 people. Not good, says I.

cougarmntn-lion

MOUNTAIN LION/COUGAR/PUMA (Puma concolor)

SIZE: 5-9FT (head to tail) 115-160LBS

The mountain lion is not a true lion but whoever saw it first thought it looked pretty damn close to a lioness and accordingly named it “lion of the mountain”. A lot of people think cougars and pumas are a different animal than the mountain lion but these people are wrong. All three are one in the same but the cat was lucky enough to get three cool sounding names. At least, I dig them all.

If you want to know how adaptable these guys are, they’ve got the largest geographical range of ANY land animal in the entire Americas. Talk about flexibility, a mountain lion lives in any environment from dense brushes to mountains and deserts. Funny thing is, cougars get smaller near the equator and larger at the poles. Weird, huh?

As the fourth largest cat in the world, pumas eat a very wide range of things, with its most important prey being deer, at least for the majority of the ones in North America. Their South American counterparts tend to drift towards rodents and other smaller sized mammals. But, again, being the flexible cats that they are, mountain lions will eat just about anything it can catch. 

Like most attacks from big cats, cougar attacks on humans is a rare occurrence. However, the more we take over their habitat, the more they want to bite us. Do you blame them? Check it: between 1890-1990 there were 53 mountain lion attacks. From 1990-2004 there were 35. Big, big, BIG difference. We’re to blame. As always. Just don’t take your kids hunting in puma territory. Just about every attack on children turns out to be fatal. But I’d imagine you, as the parent, would be liable for that.

lion-carrying-impala1

LION (Panthera leo)

SIZE: 5 1/2-8FT 330-550LBS

Ah, the mighty king of the jungle. He of the Lion King, one of Disney’s greatest masterpieces of all time. Lions are one of the most beloved creatures on earth, adored by the masses all over the planet. It’s interesting how such a murderous cat can be so loved but hey, that’s people.

The majority of lions inhabit Africa but some still patrol parts of India but they’re called Asiatic lions, different from the lions we all know and love, the African lion. Interestingly, lions are one of the only social group of cats and of course, unique in that the lionesses (females) do the hunting while the king of the jungle lays back and chills. And he still gets first on the grub.

Although lions can run up to 40mph, they can only do so for a short amount of time because their stamina is very, very low. This may also be a reason they hunt in packs, to give them a better chance at a kill. However, in the eating world, lions got tons of range, BIG RANGE. As in, they devour BIG animals. Overall, the wildebeest is one of the most sought after meals for the lion but they can take down anything such as antelopes, zebras, buffalo, giraffes and yes, even elephants. In fact, there’s a group of lions that primarily prey on elephants, taking them out at night when the big beasts’ vision is terrible. And yet another group of lions along the coast feed exclusively on seals. Yep, lions don’t screw around when it comes to eating.

Well, well, well, Mr. Lion, do you like to eat people? Why, yes he does! Not that lions purposely hunt humans, although there have been some rare cases (The Ghost and the Darkness is a movie based on two lions of this nature) but since people seem to venture closer and closer to lions, there seems to be more and more cases of lions eating them. Some researchers report that lions kill over 200 Tanzanians a year and from 1990-2005, at least 563 villagers were attacked, many eaten, around Tanzania. There’s a lesson to be learned from these facts:

DON’T GO TO AFRICA

bengal-tiger

TIGER (Panthera tigris)

SIZE: 7-10FT  400-700LBS

Funny how the final two big cats aren’t only the most popular but the biggest and the baddest, the tiger being the largest of the cat family by a fairly wide margin. At least, the Siberian tiger (largest cat in the world) can claim this since it is the largest and the heaviest.

There are only about 4000 of these huge cats left in the wild where they only call the continent of Asia their hometown. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: tiger stripes are as distinct on tigers as fingerprints are to humans, creating a much easier way for scientists and researchers to track the striped felines.

Though it may be heavier and bigger than its cousin, the African lion, tigers usually will prey on animals smaller than what lions are accustomed to. This isn’t to say that tiger prey is small, however. It’s got a wide range of creatures it eats including antelopes, guar (large wild cattle), deer, boar, but more impressive are the pythons, leopards, sloth bears and crocodiles it occasionally finds appetizing. Once you’ve claimed pythons, leopards, bears and crocodiles as food, you’re absolutely not be to screwed with. EVER.

Well, there’s a reason I got the tiger down here. It’s because, over history, the tiger has killed more humans than any other big cat but it’s more due to increasing population than a thirst for the flesh of homo sapiens. A particular location of India called the Sundarbans mangrove swamps, tiger attacks have increased so much that villagers wear masks on the back of their heads when moving through the mangroves because tigers generally attack from behind and tend to not do so when faced. Another lesson here:

DON’T GO TO INDIAN MANGROVE SWAMPS

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STUFF THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

MORE STUFF THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

*in honor of some of those back in the day things we’d all love to see again, a list…

keebler-magic-middles

1. KEEBLER MAGIC MIDDLES

In the mighty words of text language: OMG!!! Basically, it was a miniature cookie with chocolate fudge in the middle. Genius, Keebler. Genius. Also, kudos for the little Keebler Elf who keeps on pimpin’ to this day. At least they haven’t killed some of our favorite product characters. And he gets to live in a friggin’ tree away from all the crap we have to live with in the city.

keebler-elf

This lady below tries to give Magic Middles a whirl in her own kitchen, something I thought was totally admirable. Anybody who has the balls to recreate one the greatest discontinued cookies of all time is a gangster.

http://www.crowncombo.com/articles/2006/025_magicmiddles/cookies.html

baseball-cards

2. TRADING CARDS

Man, what the hell ever happened to these?! I’ll tell you what happened: in the late ’80′s and early ’90′s, the trading cards business was booming and BLOWING UP. So the manufacturers got REALLY greedy and start mass producing tons of  different sets and sub-sets and specialty sets and rare sets and gold sets and platinum sets and on and on and on. They were charging kids (their parents, actually) $3-8 dollars per pack! Yeah, it was ridiculous. Today it’s 2009 and there’s still a trading cards business out there somewhere but it’s not what it once was but it could get back there again if they could market trading cards properly to boys. First of all, stop with the inflated prices to fatten your wallets. You’re getting rich anyhow so chill on the price gouging. Just make it cool again. After all, trading cards have something other hobbies don’t: VALUE.

squeezeit

3. SQUEEZEIT

What a great drink this was from one our favorite baking moms, Betty Crocker. It was called Squeezeit because you it came in very efficient plastic bottles with a simple plastic top that twisted off with one turn. It wasn’t healthy or anything but for those who like sugary drinks, Squeezeits were worth picking up at the market. Nowadays, the only thing that resembles this is a beer but it has a much more difficult cap to get off.

joy

4. THE REN & STIMPY SHOW

The day I found out this show was canceled is up there with one of the worst days of my thirty years of life. The greatest cartoon ever invented, The Ren & Stimpy Show used to make me laugh so hard my sides would be sore for two days. There’s so many great episodes but they’re mostly in the first few seasons when original creator, John Kricfalusi, was in control of the show. Too bad he couldn’t meet deadlines, apparently the reason Nickelodeon fired him from his own show.

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DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: SHARKS!

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

*Discovery’s got “Shark Week” and everybody knows what a shark is, looks like and does but do you really know sharks? Guess which shark kills the most? How about which one is the least picky eater? These things are fun to know, cool to know and even better to use on people to show how much you know!

So, in honor of those murderous fish with the razor sharp teeth, a list…

oceanic-whitetip-shark

OCEANIC WHITE TIP SHARK

Apparently, this bad boy seems to be a tad bit nasty toward humans because it’s got an incredibly powerful sense of smell amongst sharks which is basically saying these are the Kobe Bryant’s in the world of shark scent. However, even worse than that, this is considered the most common shark in the world, probably making it our most frequent visitor. I’ll pass on a trip to the beach today, thank you.

mako-shark

SHORTFIN MAKO SHARK

Looks nice, doesn’t it? Not only one of the fastest shark species, shortfin Mako sharks are also one of the few sharks where the female is bigger than the male. Go figure. As big as these guys look, they only average 5-8 feet in length but have been seen at 12 feet, making them that much scarier. Don’t forget this is a damn good fish to eat too should you ever see it on sale at the local market, pick it up, throw that bad boy on the grill and get ready for seafood heaven. Yes, it’s that good.

tiger-shark-eat-bird

TIGER SHARK

You have to admit that’s a cool picture, right? Also, at family reunions for sharks, this is the one nobody has to worry about feeding. Tiger sharks will eat ANYTHING. Aside from the usual fish and seafood, Tiger sharks have been found with the following in their stomachs: goat hooves, dog bones, tin cans, trash bags, license plates, batteries, bicycle tires and of course, human remains. Hey, at least they’re not prejudice in what they eat.

bull-shark

BULL SHARK

Here’s where me and the Discovery Channel disagree. They have the bull shark at #1, something I absolutely refused to do knowing the baddest son of a bitch shark on the planet should be there instead. But, being fair, bull sharks are extremely dangerous and very well known for attacking humans. What goes, Mr. Bull Shark? Basically, it’s quite simple. For one, bull sharks are the only known shark that can survive in freshwater, known for swimming up to 70 miles upstream. Another little element that makes them prone to attacking us: they can swim very effectively in shallow water, hence, many attacks close to shore. Just so you know, the way to avoid this would be to skip the beach.

great-white-mouth-open

GREAT WHITE SHARK

One of the biggest, baddest, scariest, deadliest and most dangerous animals on our planet Earth, the great white average lengths between 12-16 feet but there have been 21-23 footers recorded. You know, for me, I don’t even want to see a two footer. This is the number one killer among sharks as far as human death tallies go, however, very rarely does the great white attack a person on purpose. When swimming, we look like seals from underneath and our subject to attacks that way. Either way, it can often be a fatal blow or at least resulting in a severed limb and an unspeakable amount of stitches if you make it through. 

great-white-kayak1

*A few things to remember:

1. We kill thousands upon thousands more sharks than sharks kill humans but then again, violence seems to be the human way, no matter what the cost

2. If you really never want to get bitten by a shark…

DON’T SWIM IN THE OCEAN!!!

shark_attack

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