Touch Me and It Might Be the Last Thing You Do

Poison Dart Frog

There are some things on this planet so deadly, you’d never want to come across one, no matter how beautiful or stunning it may look. This would be the quintessential animal that looks gorgeous but has a secret for you: it’s the most dangerous animal on land. There’s a poison it secretes out of its skin that’s so deadly, the amount of a pinhead can send 20,000 mice and 10 fully grown men to the morgue. Another interesting little tidbit: these frogs gain their potency from the poisonous ants that consist of their diet. Even more interesting is that if you took one of these out of the wild and kept it as a pet, it wouldn’t be as poisonous since it wouldn’t be feeding on those same potent little ants.

Belcher’s Sea Snake

It lives in the ocean, doesn’t bother anybody and it’s one of the most docile snakes in the world. But hold your horses, buddy, this ain’t just a nice, timid snake. No, the Belcher’s sea snake happens to be the most venomous snake on the planet. Yes, more toxic than the black mamba, any taipan or the Indian krait. It is even more poisonous than another snake of the ocean, the beaked sea snake. Luckily for us all, it doesn’t like to bite and even when it does, it rarely injects enough of its venom to kill a man. However, if it was provoked more than it liked, you’d be a dead man.

Buggin’ Out

Rhinocerous Beetle

Ever seen that World’s Strongest Man competition on ESPN with the gargantuan men from another planet competing by showing how strong they are? Well, in the animal kingdom, those guys ain’t squat! Elephants, gorillas, rhinos, they don’t even have anything on the rhinocerous beetle which can carry 850 times its own weight. But rhino beetles also have another cool little fact about them: they’re part of the famous scarabidae family of beetles. This is the exact species the ancient Egyptians were known to worship.

Army Ant

There’s something you should immediately know about ants: our military mimics many of the organizational tactics that ants use since they’ve been so effective for millions of years. And, the ultimate army of ants is none other than the aptly named army ant which lives for annihilating the ever-loving crap out of any living creature in its path. Not only that, but the ants are fricken blind! Here’s a list of animals army ants are known to kill: insects, tarantulas, scorpions, lizards, snakes, frogs, and chickens.

We’ve Got Superpowers

Spitting Cobra

Everyone knows a cobra is super venomous and the spitting cobra is no different as a bite from one of these guys will earn you an emergency room visit. But, let’s say you happen upon one in the wild and do the right thing by keeping your distance. The cobra, having a bad morning, spits out a nice dosage of venom right into your retinas, sending you into skull-splitting pain. You may also be blinded for life. In the world of animals, this snake has a double-fisted arsenal of venom.

Electric Eel

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: electric eels aren’t eels, they’re knifefishes, which is sort of related to catfish. Aside from that fact, there’s this one: this fricken thing is electric! Should you be barefoot in the Amazon or Orinico Rivers in South America and decide to grab one of these, it’s capable of zapping your ass with up to 500 volts! That’s AWESOME. I mean, if you touch one, you’re a fool and deserve to get shocked but either way, a fish that can electrocute something sporadically for over an hour is a bad ass creature.

The Things I Can Do Will Blow Your Mind

Peregrine Falcon

When an animal can literally go faster than a really fast sports car, it deserves some props. At 200 miles an hour, the peregrine falcon dives after its prey, going faster than any other animal in the world. In fact, it’s going so fast, that it would normally damage a bird’s lungs if not for special tubercles in their nostrils that do something scientific that’s hard to explain that prevents this from happening. It swoops down and stuns the bird in mid-air and then spins around to catch it in mid-air. Cool, huh? If it’s too heavy to hold, it’ll just drop its victim from the sky and lets the ground do the rest of the damage.

Mimic Octopus

Perhaps one of my favorite invertebrates ever, the mimic octopus is the closest thing to living animation you’ll find on this earth. It’s as if you’re watching a cartoon creature do things only seen on television. The mimic octopus is the only octopus that impersonates other creatures, often using disguises of venomous sea creatures to fend off predators such as sharks and barracuda. There isn’t much more I can personally do to explain how awesome these things are unless I put that damn youtube video of one up. So here you go:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Didn’t Think We Could Get This Big, Did You?

Goliath Frog

We’ve all seen frogs and usually, for the most part, they’re small in nature, able to fit inside our hands. Sure, there are some exceptions but the goliath frog is the biggest exception of them all. It’s huge! Look how that thing sits in the girl’s lap above as if it was the pet dog, rather than a giant fricken frog. Strangely, the frog looks like it doesn’t know what the hell is going one while the two younger brothers seem to have other things on their mind, like getting the hell away from the giant frog. Living in the rivers of West Africa, goliath frogs are so big they’re able to feed on crabs and other frogs!

Mekong Giant Catfish

Anybody up for some fried catfish? If you are, bring the entire family and friends and, hell, bring the whole fricken neighborhood because we’re going to have plenty of fish to fry after we’re through with this big boy. Actually, there’s not much of a chance we’d be allowed to catch one since they’re highly endangered and heavily protected. However, there are some things you look at and can’t believe you’re looking at: this is definitely one of them. I’ve seen many different kinds of catfish but none are this size. This thing is so enormous, in fact, there are local legends of these giant fish swallowing people whole. I even saw a special on Animal Planet where a renown biologist said he would not be surprised if that were true. YIKES!

Me & My Homey Go Way Back

Cockroach

Before you vomit, understand one thing about this creature that’s awesome: THEY CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING!!! I hate cockroaches just as much as the next person, maybe even more if that’s possible, but their statistics are phenomenal against all other living creatures in the animal kingdom. They’ve been on the planet for a good 350 million years. Their resilience is what’s so incredible as they’re capable of going a month without food, over 40 minutes without air and one of the most radiation resistant animals on earth (the fruit fly is even more so, believe it or not). They’re disgusting, filthy, repulsive and downright nasty but you can’t knock their incredible ability to overcome just about anything over 350 million years.

Sharks

While the roach goes back 350 million years, the shark has it beat at more than 400 million years roaming the planet’s waters. Hell, sharks are so old, they’ve got the dinosaurs beat on age and they’re the ones still on earth. There are species that can swim in freshwater (bull sharks) and some that can tolerate conditions at close to 10,000 feet below the water. Their smell is ridiculous, having the ability to smell a drop of blood from over a mile away. So, even if you entered the water with a paper cut, a shark might drop by to say hello. There are species of sharks all over the world, and yes, even in the arctic regions. They are known to have hearing that can pick up prey from a few miles away. One last fact: whale sharks and spiny dogfish have been known to live over 100 years.

*In no particular order

Immortal Technique

I could really care less about Immortal Technique’s following. It’s all political rap that gets so boring, I’d rather just listen to the people who started that trend: Public Enemy and NWA. Immortal Technique is a good rapper, no doubt about it. But he’s not the be all, end all of MC’s. In fact, he’s not even in the top 20. If any of his die hard fans are steaming after reading this, fire away. His subject matter is similar to Nas, OC, and some other East Coast rappers of the 90′s. There was also a rapper from L.A. named Ras Kass who was spitting these kinds of rhymes before IT was. Check out his lyrics and there’s a resemblance although Ras Kass has the edge in skills.

Diddy/Puff Daddy/Puffy/Whatever

It would have been nice for Puffy to have kept his musical talent confined to making beats and producing but instead, he had to rap because that’s a better way to grab the spotlight. Great beats and horrible lyrics galore, Diddy always put out big hits but people were swinging their hips to his musical beats and laughing at how elementary many of his lyrics were. I always point the finger at Puffy for killing hip hop as he’s to blame after his greatest project, Notorious, was murdered. In the early days, when Biggie was around, Puff didn’t rap all that much. I miss Notorious.

L.L. Cool J

You could split LL’s rap career in half and any MC would take his first half, skills wise. It’s fascinating that he’s been in the game so long, and it’s well deserved. However, he’s totally fallen off as a rapper, mostly since he wanted to be a movie star that can’t act very well. Go way back to one of his first songs ever, Radio, and hear how hard LL slams the beats with his delivery. He does it with a New York style f**k you and you can hear the authority in his voice. LL also did way too many love songs that don’t stand so well with the hip hop faithful.

Kanye West

True hip hop heads will tell you Kanye is a hell of a talent in the producer’s circle, not so much so as a rapper. If you disagree, you probably don’t understand the MC craft that much. Lyrically, he’s good. Not the best, but worthy. In no way am I saying West sucks as a rapper but he’s mediocre, not the next coming of Common. The fact that Kanye himself acts as if he’s the greatest thing to walk the planet makes him even worse. There are 20 rappers in the last 10 years who would burn Kanye even if they had bronchitis. West needs to check his ego at the door. True hip hop fans know that quote well.

50 Cent

How about this: rather than me creating an argument about how overrated 50 Cent is, how about someone explain to me why he’s held in such high regard? It’s called MTV, a force in music that will blow up anyone for the right amount of money. If you don’t think producers, record companies and even artists themselves don’t pay MTV for massive exposure, you’re wrong. MTV hasn’t treated hip hop right since they canceled Yo! MTV Raps. Get a clue, MTV. In fact, shut down and leave music!

Anticon (Sole & Alias)

This is for all you underground/indie hip hop fans still swinging on this group’s ball sack: FUCK ANTICON. Just because you listen to Anticon doesn’t make you hip hop either. It makes you a self righteous jerk off who thinks they know hip hop. People responded to another post I wrote claiming Sole was great. Sole sounds like a typical white rapper trying to be incredible but falls into a category more along the lines of decent. Maybe Anticon and Immortal Technique can tour together for the MOST OVERRATED RAPPERS TOUR 2010. By the way, does anyone know why Atmosphere left Anticon? It’s because they suck balls. For Anticon fans who will write me hate mail, I hope you enjoy writing it as much as I’ll enjoy reading it.

Lil Wayne

Most people who ride Lil Wayne’s jock are below the age of 21. He’s a decent rapper but he’s listed here simply because he’s getting way too much recognition during a time when hip hop is at a low point. Because there’s such a terrible pool of MC’s at right now in mainstream rap, Lil Wayne gets by as an above-average artist. Declaring himself the greatest rapper of all time made his teenage brethren defend him even more. Sometimes it’s fun to watch nonsense manifests itself and tries to act as if it’s making sense.

Young Jeezy

I wonder if Jeezy walks around with a bucket of hooks just in case he has to stop in the studio on short notice. It feels as if he half-asses his verses just to reach the hook where he puts in an effort. There’s much too much hoopla around Jeezy, a rapper that hasn’t made true hip hop heads blink an eye. With our ADD attention span these days, a decent hook is all it takes to get a hot single that the MTV generation will buy. There’s always a rapper like this but there’s too many of these guys in hip hop right now. It makes me sick to my stomach.

RAPPERS WHO HAVE BEEN CALLED OVERRATED BUT AREN’T

Tupac

Don’t be a fool. I’ve read many arguments against Tupac and not one made a decent point. Most of his critics think he only rapped about drugs and guns but this isn’t the case. Another thing missing from today’s MC’s is passion. It’s not coming out int he rhymes as much as it used to. Tupac was a master of this. He’d step up to the mic and let it all out, even if the beat sucked, even if it wasn’t his best lyrics, Tupac always gave you 100%. Rappers these days seem like they’re giving you 50% most of the time.

Eminem

I’m as against mainstream and pop music as any underground head would be but no matter how many records Eminem has sold, it’s downright silly to deny his skills. He can rhyme fast, slow, in harmony, hard, and off beat, an arsenal of rapping tools not many MC’s can boast of. Dr. Dre is no idiot and has hand picked two of the most recognized rappers of all time in Snoop and Eminem. That’s not a flue. You can hate what he raps about and represents, but don’t call him overrated. That’s just plain wrong.

Jay Z

Same situation and I’m not a big fan. Jay Z can pretty much do it all except drop a verse super, super hard. For those of you who don’t understand what that means, listen to Tupac, Biggie, Gift of Gab, Common or Chuck D. But Jay Z is as smooth as it gets with his skills, keeping you with the beat the whole time. Part of the reason I think some people consider him overrated is because he makes some difficult things in his songs seem easy.

Snoop Dogg

Hip hop experts can make a good argument for Snoop being overrated, I won’t take that away from anyone who feels that way. However, let’s be honest, who’s the smoothest MC you’ve ever heard? When Snoop hits the mic, everyone feels like passing a joint and kicking back, in a great mood to enjoy some melodious west coast hip hop. Lyrically, Snoop is definitely not the best nor is he even in the discussion, but when he came onto the scene in the early 90s, everyone heard something different. That hasn’t changed. A lot of MC’s still try to be like Snoop, not the other way around.

Biggie Smalls/Notorious B.I.G.

Those that call Biggie overrated are probably the same that claim Eminem isn’t a great rapper either. It’s almost not worth mentioning since the rationale behind calling Notorious overrated is about as far fetched as it gets. Listen to his catalogue and you’ll notice one of his best skills is coming hard on beats with his delivery. Not many MC’s can do this as I believe it’s one of the rarest qualities in hip hop today. Biggie was one of the best at this, as well as his west coast foe, Tupac. They died and some of hip hop died with them. True story.

The Game

People try to hate on the Game but they have no clue about what makes up a great MC. For a gangster rapper, The Game is as good as they game. He’s got that raspy, tough delivery and a clever way with thug lyrics. Some hip hop critics put too much emphasis on vocabulary and don’t focus on wordplay, a trick that seems to deteriorate as the years go on in popular rap. You have to respect Game for what he does in his niche, a world that isn’t true hip hop but we’re forced to listen to anyways. Dr. Dre and Snoop turned gangster rap into a fun time and The Game carries on the tradition.

6 Rappers You Probably Never Heard Of

#6 Slug – Atmosphere

Straight out of Minneapolis, Slug is at the helm of his group, Atmosphere, and holds fort with a very melancholy authority. If you like positive hip hop, Atmosphere is not for you as Slug mainly focuses on bad relationships and other depressing subject matter and can sometimes take it too far, but that’s also what makes him great. He stretches the limits and doesn’t care what you think.

#5 Pharaohe Monch & Prince Poetry – Organized Konfusion

In my opinion, this is the greatest MC duo the hip hop world has ever witnessed. If you look back over the history of hip hop, there weren’t many groups with just two rappers. Tribe Called Quest is another good one but compared to the lyrical and verbal deliveries of both rappers from Organized Konfusion, it’s not close. Don’t believe me? Download “Bring It On”, the remix, and tell me these two aren’t ridiculous rappers.

#4 Aceyalone – Freestyle Fellowship

Ask anyone who likes west coast indie hip hop about Aceyalone and they’ll tell you he’s one of the biggest reasons they were put on the map. Aceyalone has tons of songs, some solo, some with his buddies in Freestyle Fellowship, all showing a unique ability of style, substance and skills. He’s completely west coast, has some classic underground songs and remains an Los Angeles hip hop legend to this day.

#3 Del tha Funkee Homosapien – Hieroglyphics

The name says it all. He’s not funky, he’s funkee. Came on to the scene in the very early 90′s with “Mr. Dobalina” and “Dr. Bombay” from his frist album, I Wish My Brother George Was Here. It’s one of the greatest hip hop albums of all time in the same way 2001: Space Odyssey is one of the best movies of all time. It’s far, far out, unlike anything in rap anyone had heard at the time and showcased a talent that would never be duplicated.

#2 Lyrics Born – Quannum

Quannum is the most phenomenal group of hip hop talent in assembly today. Two incredible beat makers and 3 spectacular rappers. They’ve added more people in the last few years but the first five remain the only true talents. One MC is Lyrics Born, one of the few asian MC’s in hip hop and an amazing and completely different breed. He can rap fast, hard, and change his delivery so frequently in one song, it’s hard to fathom one guy doing it all.

#1 Gift of Gab – Blackalicious & Quannum

Also from Quannum, the best rapper of all time, in my opinion, is Gift of Gab out of Oakland, California. Listening to him rap is as beautiful as a song sung by a tenor. What makes him so awesome is his ability to marry his lyrics and flow to the music of his longtime DJ/Producer, Chief Xcel. It’s usually a very cool, harmonious tune that feels more like a great song than a great hip hop track. He’s been featured on many songs and has some excellent albums with Blackalicious. A classic hip hop song he did with DJ Shadow, “Swan Lake”, is worth a download.

The Descent is about as good as a horror movie can get, freaky, thrilling, horrifying and bloody all at the same time. From beginning to end you’re never allowed to rest or get up or even scratch yourself since your eyes and ears are completely fixed on the screen.

I’m fascinated with horror movies the same way we’re all interested in that car crash on the freeway. We don’t want to look but we do anyways. That’s how I am with horror movies so, I guess, I’m a victim to its ability to grab you even if you’re not willing to be grabbed.

But here’s a movie that doesn’t exactly give you traditional horror with all the campy tongue-in-cheek cliches an d lines that most of us have become accustomed to. No, The Descent gives you everything you were hoping it wouldn’t in the best way possible. 

Mainly, it will give you nightmares and make you dwell on it long after you’ve finished with it. That’s a good thing for the sake of the movie. It’s not such a good thing for you because it will make you feel uncomfortable but only a truly good film can evoke those feelings well.

The movie follows six girlfriends, all of them tough and spunky, each with their own characteristics (a rare find for women in the horror genre). Most of them are adrenaline junkies pulled together in a cabin for a cave exploring adventure in the Appalachians.

It’s an idea hitched by the toughest lady of the group, Juno (Natalie Mendoza), sort of in the mold of a Lara Croft/Ellen Ripley/tough girl role. She’s got a plan for them to explore a particular cave and she’s got the maps for it, or so we think.

In the opening minutes, we’re presented with a situation that feels so horrific you’re unable to figure out how the movie can really get much worse from there. It’s about the main character, Sarah (Shauna MacDonald), who suffers through an absolutely traumatic experience that alters her life.

Juno’s reasoning for pulling together the six girls for cave exploring is to help reinvigorate Sarah from her turmoil and distress, hoping a thrilling adventure with friends will bring her back to normalcy, or at least close to it.

The six girls venture into the cave only to find themselves stuck when a rock blocks their path back out. Oops! Now they’re trapped inside a cave that was previously thought to be discovered when, in fact, it had never been.

What ensues is pure terror beyond your worst imagination, those things that go bump in the night come right back to bite you hard in the ass. The situation these girls are in gets worse and worse, never letting up, keeping your heart pounding to the very end.

British writer/director Neil Marshall really gives it to you hard in this movie, using the women (maybe purposely) to get your nerves riled up even more than had it been six men instead. That he made these women tough, gritty but very human, made it even easier to relate to them and to root for them during their inescapable feat.

One of the most brutal things about this film is how the six women bond together to fight the forces of inevitable claustrophobia and, while that’s hard enough, there’s something lurking beneath, a creature that makes the mountain mutants of The Hills Have Eyes look like Sesame Street.

It’s this kind of constant drama and excitement that drives the movie forward, seemingly never pausing for a breath, pounding you over the head with one harsh moment after another until you feel you can’t take it anymore. Unfortunately, you have to and it doesn’t get any better.

Fighting to escape the cave is difficult enough but when their next obstacle stands in their way, the audience knows they’re truly screwed and in a virtually impossible dilemma to escape from.

One thing to note here about this movie: watch everything and try to keep your ears perked up for the sounds of the film are just as important as the visuals. The noises their opposition makes in the caves are haunting and jarring.

There’s also the notion of the creatures living in the cave being realistic, something I believe truly turns this movie into a gem. At first, you’re only hearing their sounds but when the creatures are revealed and explained, it’s something you can completely fathom.

I saw Neil Marshall’s director’s cut and read online how the American version ended, giving it two endings on DVD that you can choose from. My suggestion is to go ahead and watch Marshall’s version since it’s his vision and the difference in the endings are pretty slim, however, significant enough for the viewer to leave the movie feeling a different way.

For me, although Marshall’s cut was nothing short of exceptional, I prefer the American ending. But this is more due to the fact that I’m a sucker for that kind of ending, one where there’s a slight ray of hope (although not much). The original ending is extremely tough to swallow but maybe more realistic so choose what you feel fits you better.

All in all, I can’t think of one thing this movie does wrong other than having a different preference for the ending than most. Again, I’m probably in the minority there. Other than that, this is as good of a horror movie as I’ve ever seen, never letting up, never letting you come up for air and never letting you believe for one second that it’s a good idea to explore caves ever in your life time. 

BATMAN BEGINS

Yeah, yeah, spare me the whining. Christian Bale is the new batman and Christopher Nolan is directing? GASP!!! It must be the greatest comic movie in cinema history, right? Wrong! Now, hold your breath because I’m not saying this movie sucks but I am saying it’s not as good as it’s perked up to be. Personally, it was a tad slow and uneventful and I’d take the original Batman over this prelude any day of the week.

ALL WOODY ALLEN MOVIES

For the most overrated director of all time, there’s not one of his movies I’ve seen that I thought was good, funny or even remotely worth using two hours of my time. The insect-like, neurotic little invertebrate may be a “creative genius” to some but when a guy that ugly is pulling girls that are waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of his league in every single movie he directs and stars in I start to get irritated and suspect. If he was hooking up with insects, I’d understand. Had Allen never been famous, he would have had many dates with the cockroaches living in New York.

FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS

Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore! I dig Clint Eastwood and think he’s a hell of a director. Hell, there’s even been some craptastic movies he did (according to everyone else) that I thought were pretty good. This piece of steaming dogshit, however, is better to sit out if you’ve got the chance. I don’t think anything exciting happens in the movie…at all! You’d expect a lot more from a macho son of a bitch like Eastwood, known as Dirty Harry and the kick ass gunslinger from some of the greatest westerns. But this? Hang yourself before you’re forced to watch this film.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH

Unique! Original! Bizarre! Amazing! How about just plain stupid? Yes, stupid. Just because Spike Jonze and his first full feature are completely out to lunch does not constitute the label of high cinematic achievement that some have given the movie and him. Sure, the movie is definitely original and unique. I’ll give it that. But really, all that means is it’s a big turd with a fancy, pretty ribbon on top. You know what happens when you take off the ribbon? That’s right, it’s still a big turd.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

If you’re upset with me about this choice, even better. I heard thousands of different Christians and Catholics rant and rave about how “amazingly transcending” this film was. Well, no shit. It’s a friggin’ movie about Jesus Christ! Duh! For a gory and bloody movie devoid of dialogue, The Passion of the Christ has a passion for making you nauseous because of how sickening it is. And I’m not talking about the violence. The subject, the movie, everything about The Passion of the Christ sucks donkey dick. Religious freaks like this movie. Make that Christian religious freaks.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Higher – Creed

It can be said that every song by Creed is one for douche bags although this one stands out since it was such a huge hit along with their follow-up smash single, With Arms Wide Open, also a big time douchey candidate. If you happen to watch the video, notice the slow walk toward the stage by the band in full 100% douchedom. The lead singer, whatever the hell is name is, should stop drooling over himself because he’s really not even if he thinks he is.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Who Let the Dogs Out – Baha Men

This song doesn’t really deserve me writing about it but since it’s so douchey, it had to be put on this list. What makes it even douchier? They still play this song a lot at sporting events, getting way too many people riled up for nothing since, when you think about it, who the fuck wants to let their dog out? Is there a park around or something? Also, when people bark along to the dogs in the hook, I suggest putting your fingers in your ears or buying ear plugs.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I Believe I Can Fly – R Kelly

Remember this song playing on every damn station and music channel you turned to? Once people started singing along too much it was already becoming a lame exposition in doucheness but the fact it was sung by R Kelly, a singer with some vocal talent, made it even worse. Also, when you know Kelly’s disgusting history with minors, you start to put him in a different light than other artists. Hey, at least Creed and Baha Men weren’t banging 14 year old’s on video…at least not that we know of.

Click here to view the embedded video.

My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion

Okay, by show of hands: how many people want to hang themselves when they hear this song now? I can imagine none of you kept your hands down since this song was already overplayed about a week after it was released. It’s so bad that I can’t even watch a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio without thinking of this vomit-inducing track with Celine Dion’s boring ass on the Titanic singing a ballad that makes me want to shit myself

PIONEER CHICKEN

Even though this fast food chicken joint was primarily a Southern California chain, I miss it a whole lot. It was my introduction to Los Angeles and to fried chicken pieces at fast food restaurants. I hadn’t been to McDonald’s all that much before I was 10 or so because I was always eating at Pioneer Chicken. All I remember is it was greasy, scrumptious, tasty and the price was right.

*finding the worst possible picture I could find was hard but I succeeded.

TEARS FOR FEARS

Man, I think back to the those silly, loud and ridiculous 1980′s and can’t seem to get Tears for Fears out of my skull. They had already scored some hits back in the UK until they put out “Shout”, a song that blew them up here in the states and is still going strong on radio stations today. Of course, that song was followed by the just as popular, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”. However, these aren’t the only two tracks Tears for Fears had that are worthy of a listen. “Break It Down Again”, “Head Over Heels”, and “Woman In Chains” were also pretty big hits you may not have heard. Check them out. Oh, and if you think I’m a douche for liking this group, I’ll accept the heat. But, being dishonest about it would make me an even bigger douche.

FRAGGLE ROCK

With 96 episodes running from 1983-87, Fraggle Rock’s show filled with creatures of another world singing and dancing to their own music. That it was created by none other than Jim Henson made it simply an HBO version of the Muppets with the same happy-go-lucky style of critter but with a rock and roll edge. The show was so centered around music that the theme song hit #55 on the U.K. Billboard Chart. Yep, those furry Fraggles really got down.

MICRO MACHINES

What guy didn’t used to like Micro Machines? If you didn’t, then sit down or just turn around and walk away because there’s a screw loose in your head. These were perfect little miniature cars that you could just look at and gawk over. Kind of lame but for a little boy, it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was awesome. The dude who talked super fast in the commercials was also a big plus to the whole Micro Machines cultures of the late 80′s and 90′s

BORAT

“Did this man just make the funniest comedy of all time?”

I remember reading this caption on the front of Entertainment Weekly a few years ago with a picture of Borat behind it. When I read this, I knew it was a movie I had to see, for better or worse. Unfortunately, it was for worse.

Watching the movie, a few things dawned on me that other people seem to have forgotten. First of all, paying money to watch a 2 hour long version of Punk’d that uses Sacha Baron Cohen instead of Ashton Kutcher isn’t very funny to me nor is it very new or interesting. Second, me and my buddies could cruise the U.S.A. with a camera posing like documentarians and we would have had way better footage than this piece of shit and it would have been a lot funnier and less conniving. Also, I give absolutely no credit to the film and Cohen for posing as something they’re not just to trick people into doing things they thought were for a documentary only to be duped. Some people call that funny, I call that horseshit. Last, showing a hairy ass naked guy with his balls up in Borat’s face doesn’t do it for me. It’s not funny, just disgusting. If you laughed hard at this, something is a little wrong with you. That the naked fat guy gallops through that business conference and gets those reactions was, well, pretty lame. Just so you know, anytime a naked guy runs through a business conference unexpectedly, it will get a reaction. So, honestly, I don’t care if you or your friends or my friends think this movie is hilarious because it’s not. It’s the most OVERRATED comedy of all time and unfairly. Oh, and another thing, Bruno will suck too. Ali G sucked balls as well. For those of you who adore Cohen, find his address and send him a blowjob or something. Get over yourselves and stop drooling because he’s not that funny.

SPIDERMAN 3

Are you kidding me? Possibly the worst comic book movie of all time because of the injustice this movie gives to two incredibly fascinating Spiderman villains that seemed to be mere crumbs in this movie. I already have big issues with Tobey Maguire in anything but the first Spiderman wasn’t so bad and I guess he plays a pretty decent Peter Parker. Now, we get the third movie and Spiderman fans are salivating over the fact that this movie will feature Venom, Carnage and Sandman. That’s already a few too many villains and they should have just went with Venom and Carnage. In fact, this entire movie should have focused and explained Venom, one of the most interesting and coolest Marvel villains in history. Venom kicks major ass and yet in this movie we barely ever see him other than as a black mass of virus lurking around Spidey’s room. This is just stupid shit. Truth is, Venom manhandles Spiderman a lot in the comics and we barely see the actual Venom in this movie. Finally, he appears at the way end along with a shitty version of Carnage who’s also a bad ass. It took a lot of thinking and I still can’t figure out how you screw this one up but they did and they did it horribly. This movie made me so angry that I can only write one thing about it: FUCK THIS MOVIE!

As always, please send over any suggestions for movies you feel jerked you off!

Digging Twitter? Fine, but I’m bringing on Shitter.

You’ve got your tweets and I’ve got my shits.

I will do this just as Twitter would only it will be Shitter, a much better service that tells it like it is.

ShitterUser1 the more I see him the more it’s obvious: Jamie Foxx is a pompous prick who thinks his shit doesn’t stink. Look at the pic above: it stinks, Jamie.

Schayes8899 wonders if Michael Jackson’s daughter knows that he touched little boys and not her mother? Hey, I like MJ, but just saying.

LALakerFan1 Ron Artest just revealed that his barber will be making the trip to Los Angeles as well. BTW: his barber’s name is Boogie. Not a typo.

MichaelBayIzADouche Michael Bay is a big, arrogant, jerk-off who makes $100 million dollar stunt shows. I’m on Megan Fox’s side, BTW

TheCaliGovSux wonders if state of CA is the 6th largest economy in the world, how the FUCK are we broke?

RIPAirMcNair sad to hear Steve McNair gets 4 slugs in his body, why didn’t he think of boys #1, 2, 3 and 4 at home b4 dating a 20 yr old wack job?

I will return again next week with more of the top shits from Shitter!

JOHN MADDEN FOOTBALL FRANCHISE

INVENTED BY: JOHN MADDEN & ELECTRONIC ARTS TIBURON

Bet you didn’t know that one of your favorite video games started on a train with one of the original inventors of Electronic Arts and John Madden. Why? Because Madden hates planes due to a heavy fear of flying. But if it weren’t for Madden’s stubbornness, the game would have never existed. He refused to have his name connected with the game if it was to remain a seven man football game as originally intended. Even though technology made if very difficult to make a football game with any more than seven players, Electronic Arts decided to stick with Madden’s demands. Over $1 billion dollars later, it was a good decision.

There’s also that eerie little story line that comes with the Madden franchise: The Madden Curse. Since 1999 when Garrison Hearst was the first player on a Madden cover (if you even remember him), pretty much every cover boy has really seemed to be cursed. Hearst broke his ankle badly after that cover picture and was never the same again. Eddie George never averaged more than 3 yards a carry after his cover. Marshall Faulk never gained more than 1000 yards in a season again. Michael Vick screwed up his knee, had some dog fights and went to jail. Shaun Alexander was never heard from again and it may be the same thing for Vince Young, the 2007 and 2008 Madden cover boys.

*O.M. – Original Madden

*4 years later they make it classier

*getting cooler, ’96 was before the major breakthrough

MADDEN FOOTBALL 64 (1997) – The major breakthrough in graphics

*Beginning of the Madden Curse: Garrison Hearst, we hardly got to know ya

*Definitely the biggest curse of them all

*Vince’s curse is still going and we’re all watching. It’s like a movie.

*There, there, Vince. You’re career’s not over…Yet.

Every time I play this game, I try to recognize John Madden as the man who wouldn’t give in to the having his name on a sissy game of seven man football. You paved the way for one of the greatest video games of all time and an incredible invention.