Archive for the ‘STOP’ Category

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DOES A BUTT CHIN = DOUCHE BAG?

Monday, July 6th, 2009

My friend was telling me the other day: why is every guy I’ve ever met or seen with a butt chin a complete douche? I had never looked into that so now I have to.

This is a dedication to my friend who has taken the butt chin into the realm of Doucheism.

The question is: does having a butt chin relegate you to douche bag status? Let’s take a look, shall we?

DOUCHE BAGS WITH BUTT CHINS

travolta

John Travolta

Saturday Night Live, Pulp Fiction, doesn’t matter, John Travolta is a big douche bag. Sorry, he’s a big scientologist douche bag! That, in itself, is enough to throw you into the douche category. That little ridiculous grin on his face makes it even worse.

affleck

Ben Affleck

If you’ve ever seen Mallrats, it’s hard to imagine Ben Affleck not being that guy in the mall. He plays it so well that you have to wonder if Kevin Smith called him up and just said, “play yourself, Ben” because he’s the poster boy for all douches in that movie.

kutcher

Ashton Kutcher

Has anyone leeched off Hollywood more than this butt chin-having douche bag? After That 70′s Show (where he was actually kind of funny), Kutcher did Punk’d which was a really douchey and ridiculously stupid MTV show that made him look dumber and less talented every week. Now, he’s married to Demi Moore because he knows that’ll keep him in the spotlight longer than his talent allows.

NON-DOUCHE BAGS WITH BUTT CHINS

brady

Tom Brady

As a Raiders fan, Tom Brady pisses me off because of the tuck rule. If you don’t know about this, don’t worry, it was just the worst god damn call in the history of professional sports. Doesn’t matter though, Brady is still one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and never struck me as much of a douche.

eckhart

Aaron Eckhart

Harvey Dent/Two Face from the Dark Knight has as good of a butt chin as anyone but definitely doesn’t qualify as douche material. He’s a good actor, doesn’t seem to be a typical Hollywood diva and doesn’t ever try to look like something he’s not. If you want to see how it all started for him, rent In the Company of Men.

damon

Matt Damon

Unlike his best friend above, Matt Damon hasn’t given us much chance to doucheify him in the public eye. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t act like an asshole like his friend who seems to think he’s the hottest thing to walk the planet yet hasn’t made a good movie in over 10 years now. In the meanwhile, Damon barely makes a crap movie.

At the end of the day, as much as my friend won’t like this, a butt chin does not make you a douche bag but rather it’s just that some douche bags have butt chins.

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STOP FORGETTING THE 80′s

Sunday, July 5th, 2009

5 THINGS THEY SHOULD BRING BACK FROM THE 80′s

Whoever grew up in the 80′s will remember these gems. If not, that’s sad and I feel for you.

big-wheel

BIG WHEEL

What ever happened to the coolest tricycles known to children? Big Wheel was the coolest thing to kids since peanut butter and jelly. You could ride all day on your Big Wheel. You’d meet up with the homies on the corner, all on your Big Wheel. You had Big Wheels gangs that would defend their turf. Big Wheel rocked.

thundercats

THUNDERCATS

Anyone remember the fun bunch from planet Thundera and their weird mutant enemies, The Mutants of Plun-Darr? Well, apparently Hollywood did and the movie is slated for a 2010 release with video game art director Jerry O’Flaherty at the helm. ThunderCats! ThunderCats! ThunderCats! Ho!

simon

SIMON

Who didn’t like this game? If you don’t like this game, you’re a tool and a loser. This game was SO simple: Simon makes a pattern, you duplicate it. Simon’s patterns get harder and harder and harder and harder. It makes you want to blow your brains out sometimes but it’s a damn blast!

california-raisins_no4_1987

THE CALIFORNIA RAISINS

It’d be nice to see these guys come back into commercials. I’ve missed them lately. They sang. They danced. They were happy, fun loving guys. And they were singing Motown. C’mon. Let the Cali Raisins represent!

garbage-pail-kids

GARBAGE PAIL KIDS

I think it’s already been making a little bit of a comeback but it’s more like a cult. In a nutshell, Garbage Pail Kids were the shit. They were gross, offensive, filthy, and best of all, politically incorrect. But they were fun to collect. It made a little kid laugh even if it warped our minds. I’ll tell you what, I bet they make a comeback again sometime. BIG TIME. I don’t know when, but I feel it.


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SPC MOVIES: A FEW CULT CLASSICS

Monday, June 29th, 2009

People can’t get enough of their Godfather and Casablanca and those kinds of classics but what about the cults? The movies that may not even be that great (at least not compared to the classics) but have developed a unique following predicated solely on that movie. There’s many movies with a cult following. We’ll start with 3 comedies

spaceballs-3

SPACEBALLS

If you don’t like this movie, you honestly don’t deserve a place on this earth. Now, don’t try analyzing this Star Wars spoof to death as it’s not one of the greatest comedies (or spoofs) of all time but when it was released in 1987 it got completely dissed by critics. I say, screw those critics! This movie will definitely make you laugh. More than once. Dark Helmet, played by Rick Moranis, is the best character in the movie and it’s not even close. Steals the scene whenever he’s on the screen.

spaceballs-dark-helmet *Dark Helmet

spaceballs-yogurt *Star Wars had Yoda, Spaceballs had Yogurt

spaceballs-ludicrous-speed “Ludicrous Speed: Go!” (this part is still my favorite)

big-lebowski

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

I didn’t even like this twisted Cohen Brothers comedy about a complete stoner mistaken for a totally different guy with the same name. There is so much bizarre shit in this movie that one sit-through just won’t cut it. Anyone who knows anything about this movie will tell you you’d have to watch it a few times before you actually get it. But, you laugh. And laugh. And laugh. Big Lebowski has made way more money off DVD sales than it ever did in the theaters.

walter *John Goodman as Walter – very memorable performance by Goodman

jesus *John Turturro is only in a few scenes as Jesus and knocks it out of the park every time

the-dude *Jeff Bridges as the Dude. Nuff Said.

kingpin

KINGPIN

Kingpin tells the story of a lowlife former champion bowler (Woody Harrelson) who gets another shot at redemption because of an Amish superstar amateur (Randy Quaid). This is definitely the funniest of the Farrelly Brothers movies and yet doesn’t get nearly the love of the Ben Stiller/Cameron Diaz blockbuster, There’s Something About Mary. Kingpin is just laugh after laugh after laugh and it really bugs me that any movie critic could find it in themselves to rail this flick especially since it sets up all the gross-out humor they use for Something about Mary. Check this out and decide for yourself. I’m close to positive that you won’t be disappointed.

kingpin-roy *Harrelson as the hilarious, rubber handed Roy.

images32 *this scene makes you laugh, cry and vomit at the same time

lingpin-bill-murray1 *this is the REAL movie that brought Bill Murray back, not Lost in Translation

vanessa-angel1 *Vanessa Angel plays the smoking hot chick. Well done.

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UN-TRANSFORMING TRANSFORMERS 2

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Transformers 2: Optimus Prime, Decepticons, Megan Fox and Racism!

transformers_revenge_of_the_fallen01

Good movie. Not perfect. Not great. Not terrible, Not mediocre. Just good.

First things first, Optimus Prime and the Autobots are back again, this time as part of a military affiliate program teaming the U.S. military with members of the Autobots. It’s been working well, but also has been destroying the shit out of the entire planet while fighting off Decepticons that have continued to try to take the reigns of earth. Basically, this is the story of the Decepticons making a comeback because of their ancestors and getting close to taking over the planet. Sort of the same as the first one but because it has the #2 attached to it, we’ll just say it’s a brand new story.

megatron-2

THE BAD

Chicks – Every time we see a hot girl in Transformers 2 (more than you’d imagine), they totally doll out and fake up the girl. Lip gloss, too much make-up and too much shit with the hair. If they’re hot, they’re hot. We can figure it out with our own eyes, jerk-offs. Don’t cake them up. It makes them look worse.

Transformers & Black People – I don’t know if it’s Michael Bay or the studio or the writers but someone is a little too obsessed with the wrong part of black culture in the making of this movie. Two in a row and we’ve seen a dumb ass black sidekick Autobot that sounds way too ghetto, way too stupid and way too unrealistic. This time it’s two of them, constantly fighting and one even has a gold tooth! Ridiculous. I don’t think the filmmakers are trying to be racist, honestly, but they’ve made an already bad decision even worse this time around.

Megatron & Starscream – I don’t like that Megatron and Starscream look similar. I know one’s a fighter jet and whatnot but their colors are almost one in the same. Megatron is also bigger and likes to bitch the smaller one around, but still, not good enough. Change it back to the old school story, Megatron transforms into a gun and Starscream is the gunman. That would change everything. Until then, I’m disappointed with these two again.

optimus-prime-2

THE BAD ASS

Optimus Prime – For one, to have an old granddaddy Decepticon refer to Optimus Prime as simply ‘Prime’ was pretty pimped out. Second thing, Optimus Prime is turning into the slickest, coolest, most unstoppable bad ass motherfucker in the land of superheroes. Right now, I want to be Optimus Prime. He’s such a hard ass that every other scene in this movie has him beating the ever loving shit out more than one Decepticon. And the way he turns Megatron into his personal bitch more than once in the movie is worth buying this movie for.

Bumblebee – I expect Optimus Prime to kick major ass but not Bumblebee. I know he’s toughh, he’s a friggin’ Transformer, but still, not this tough. Bumblebee destroys all Decepticons in his path in Revenge of the Fallen, wiping his ass with each one that steps to him. He also calls Shia Lebeuf out for waking him up from a good nap just to murder a bunch of mini-Decepticons. Don’t wake up Bumblebee, asshole!

John Turturro- Good thing a good actor is in this movie because it allows you to focus on one person during the scenes he’s in. No need to search this flick for an Academy Award nominee because it might be up for a Razzie (Academy Awards for worst movie of the year) when it’s all said and done. At least you can enjoy Turturro’s moments and laugh a little. Still, it’s not his best work by a longshot, but it’s something

Megan Fox – It’s sad to say this but the makers of Transformers, both 1 & 2, should be very lucky to have Megan Fox on board. Even funnier, they barely give her any lines and she’s probably the only actor in the movie that matters. That’s just the real truth. People say she can’t act for shit. I say, let me see her act a little and let us judge for ourselves. But, I sat in that theater and looked around every time she was on the screen. Every man and boy in that theater had their eyes glued on her. She’ll only continue to get bigger.

megan-fox-4


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MICHAEL JACKSON PLEASE R.I.P – HIS BEST WORK

Friday, June 26th, 2009

What a sad friggin’ day. The King of Pop dies. Michael Jackson, you were the best pop music ever had. ‘Nuff said.

An ode to some of his best

off-the-wall

Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough – Smooth, slick 7o’s disco love song but not what you were expecting. 5th solo album for Mike, 1st as an adult and the one before the greatest album of all time, Thriller.

Off the Wall – Not to be missed, Off the Wall, the title track for this album, was off the hook for a 70′s song, a composition that kind of helped bring the new style of 80′s music along although it was the late 70′s. This one is still played on Top 40 radio across the world.

thriller

Billie Jean – If Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough was Mike’s gentleman song, this was his pimp song. This was Michael at his coolest, dancing and lighting up the sidewalk. Also, this song is remembered for the introduction of the moon walk.

Beat it – While Black or White had an actual rap in it, Beat it was much more hip hop than anything MJ ever did. In fact, you could take out Michael’s vocals and use this beat for a rap song. Wouldn’t want to see it happen but it’s true. This one definitely kicks ass.

bad1

Smooth Criminal – Mike’s attempt to play an old gangster actually works! Awesome beat, awesome singing style and delivery in this song which says a lo since all he talks about is some girl named Annie who nobody knows about unless they saw the movie version of the Bad album, Moonwalker.

Man in the Mirror - Great song with a great message, a look into how Michael felt about himself as a whole and what made him give so much dough to the rest of the world. The gospel choir for backround vocals kicks major ass here.

dangerous

Who is it? – I only put this one on here for underrated purposes since no one seems to ever mention it. It’s almost a little hip hop, something he tried out with another track on Dangerous, Black or White. But Who is it? is a cool trip into Jacko’s musical abilities.

Jam – Another underrated tune, maybe because it was on Dangerous, not one of his most critically acclaimed albums. It doesn’t matter because this another song where Michael changes up his delivery a little and goes fast. Also, music video has another superstar MJ, Michael Jordan.

In conclusion, it’s honestly an honor to have listened and grown up seeing the greatest musical performer of all time constantly churn out good hits. Pop music sucks and hasn’t been quite the same since he ran into personal problems. You’ll be missed, Michael Jackson, but heaven awaits and I’m sure you’ll have plenty of great company up there from the music world.

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MOVIES THAT JERK YOU OFF #2

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Okay, so we devirginized this feature with Vanilla Sky, the ultimate jerk you off flick. Now for the second go-around I realized maybe it’s best to feature at least 2 per column since it’s MOVIES not MOVIE that jerk you off. Someone pointed this out to be and I couldn’t argue.

contact

CONTACT

Well, Matthew McConaughey is Mr. Sexy and whatnot but he still can’t pick a good movie worth a shit. Jodie Foster, on the other hand, has picked good movie after good movie and then decides on this cheap trick of a movie. Apparently, Foster’s scientist in the movie might have made contact with aliens of another world. The movie keeps you on the edge of your seat, waiting, waiting, waiting. You’re hoping for a hell of an ending, one that blows your mind since you’re being led so much that it damn well better be a kick ass ending. Then comes the ending: SHITTASTIC! I could have scribbled this ending high on crack, bent on vodka and tranquilized on painkillers. And I still would have written a better ending!

hancock

HANCOCK

A lowlife alcoholic superhero? Sounds like an awesome story, seemed like an awesome movie but became everything but awesome. Will Smith (of course) is a superhero (Hancock) with a penchant for self-destruction, drinking away his problems with an inhuman amount of alcohol. Anyways, he saves some guy (Jason Bateman) who wants to help Hancock turn his life around with better marketing a PR. Bateman’s wife, Charlize Theron (totally not needed in this movie) doesn’t really dig Hancock and his ways much but we learn why later. The first half of this movie kicks ass, the second half gets its ass kicked. It’s as if the writers just STOPPED at the middle and threw the script to the dogs. This movie jerked me off so much I should have brought a box of tissues to the theater. Maybe even two.

JERK ME OFF RATING

CONTACT: 8

HANCOCK: 9.5

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STOP POP CULTURE GIRL: JACLYN ROSE

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

Jaclyn Rose – Stop Pop Culture Girl

jac

I believe what makes me different is I am a genuine, down to earth, giving and kind person. I have spent most of my life volunteering for various causes and giving back to my community in any way I can. I was given many awards for my volunteering, including a proclamation from the mayor of my hometown for being the “Citizen of the Year”.

Most of Pop Culture makes me sick. The way girls are made to feel they have to be a certain weight and look a certain way to be considered beautiful is just beyond me. People seem to be so wrapped up in their outside appearance that they forget that it honestly is the inside beauty that matters. Looks fade, a beautiful heart is forever. The way our society obsesses over celebrities and what they are doing and how much money they have just really gets to me. I have no interest in any of it.

Family is everything to me. Love, laughing, being outdoors, the little things in everyday life that most people take for granted, I never overlook for a second. When I die I want to be remembered as the girl who always put others first, and did it with a smile.

Want to learn more about me?

myspace: http://www.myspace.com/simplyun4getable
model mayhem: http://www.modelmayhem.com/jaclynrose

jaclyn-rose-3

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STOP! IT’S DANGEROUS

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

DANGEROUS ANIMALS OF THE UNITED STATES

bark-scorpion

BARK SCORPION

Yes, indeed this gnarly little critter dwells in our states but only you Southwestern residents need to worry about this poisonous bugger stinging you. While one of the most venomous scorpions in the world, there have only been two fatalities from bark scorpion stings since 1968. However, that doesn’t mean you should be a damn moron and go looking for one. If you happen to pick it up and get stung, tough luck, douchebag.

brown-recluse

RECLUSE SPIDER

Disgusting. Filthy. Rotten. Frightening. Poisonous. REALLY POISONOUS. The picture on the right shows the results of an untreated brown recluse spider, also known as a recluse or fiddleback spider. Wouldn’t want a bite like that on my leg. Not on my arm. And especially not down in my trousers.

moose

MOOSE

Look at those antlers, boy! Yep, Bullwinkle ain’t so nice after all. Moose, sometimes standing over 7 feet at the shoulder, are one tough beast. Poisonous? No. Dangerous? HELL YEAH. Bull mooses DO NOT like humans. Not one bit. If a female moose has a calf with her, it will destroy you before you even know what hit you. During the fall mating season, bull mooses will attack ANYTHING male that they feel is a threat to their females. Check this out: some bull mooses have even been known to attack Locomotives. That’s dangerous!

raccoon

RACOON

Such a cute. lovable animal, those fun, pesky racoons, ain’t they? Well, yeah, if you take out the fact that racoons are one of the most prolific carriers of rabies, a form of rabies that can really pack a punch if bitten. Sure they’re cute. Sure they’re interesting. But they’re dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Not because they want to bite you and not because they will bite you. But, if they do bite you, you could be screwed. And you’ll definitely be visiting the hospital.

coral-snake

CORAL SNAKE

Pretty snake, huh? Yeah, pretty to look at it and that’s about it. Second most venomous snake behind some of our more well known rattlesnake species (Western Diamondback, Eastern Diamondback, Mojave), the coral snake is much less aggressive but still not a snake you’d want to be handling any time soon. What’s worse, if a coral snake should happen to bite you, it may not even be painful, however, once you start experience breathing difficulties and a drooping eyelid (psosis) you’ll know you’ve been bitten by the beautiful, colorful creature called the coral snake.

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STOP FORGETTING THESE CHILD STARS

Friday, June 19th, 2009

Why are we always referring to the Lindsay Lohans and Drew Barrymores when we talk about child stars? It’s as if none of the other girls who enjoyed success in Hollywood get any love, unless they get arrested or die of an overdose.

I figured it’d only be nice to give some of the other child stars a little recognition.

jodie-sweetin-1

JODIE SWEETEN (Stephanie Tanner – Full House)

Our little Stephanie has grown up a lot. A little too fast but grown up nonetheless. Miss Sweetin tried to play games with meth and lost, getting arrested for driving under the influence with her daughter in the backseat. I don’t think I remember any lessons about meth on Full House.

kknightp-as-rudy from Rudy to…

keisha-knight-pulliam-1

KEISHA KNIGHT PULLIAM (Rudy Huxtable – The Cosby Show)

Wow. W-O-W. WOW! Can’t really say much more than that after seeing this stunning beauty give Theo, Vanessa, Denise, Sondra, Mrs. Huxtable and the Cos trouble as a elementary school girl only to grow up into SHE BANGS!!! Keisha, you have now achieved the status of a goddess. We kneel before you. Yes, gentlemen, kneel down and show some love.

soleil-moon-frye

SOLEIL MOON FRYE (Punky Brewster – Punky Brewster)

That quirky, bubbly little outcast, Punky Brewster, sure was a hit with television audiences across the nation back in the ’80′s but, did you know what ever happened to sweet Punky? Well, sweet Punky became SUPER SEXY PUNKY and, I guess, never looked back. You know what else is awesome about her? She didn’t wind up on crack, or robbing a store, or OD’ing like so many of our child stars of the past. Rock on, Punky. Rock on.

lacey-chabert-kid from Claudia to..

lacey-chabert-2

LACEY CHABERT (Claudia Salinger – Party of Five)

Seems Lacey has gone from a Party of Five to a super sexy party of one. This lady took her sex appeal to a new dimension as an adult, her pictures barely recognizable if matched against her un-developed pictures of yesteryear. Best thing is, it doesn’t matter. I’m saluting her.

mtrachtenberg-kid from Harriett the Spy to…

michelle-trachtenberg

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG (Harriett – Harriett The Spy)

Even though she didn’t have a role on a hit tv show like many other child stars, Trachtenberg was still in Hollywood as a very young girl and continues to work there to this day, getting more popular each year. She’s another one of my secret crushes since she looks so damn cute and so damn “girl-next-door” that I’d like her to be living next door but unfortunately I don’t pull in the kind of loot that she does. Maybe one day. Anyhow, she’s become a very pretty lady and keep an eye out for her in the future since I do believe she’ll blow up. And here’s hoping she does a nude pic somewhere down the road. Or at least takes one for me.

tatyana-ali-fresh-prince from Ashley to…

tatyana-ali

TATYANA ALI (Ashley Banks – Fresh Prince of Bel Air)

Ashley Banks was always such a sweet, innocent pre-teen on Fresh Prince of Bel Air that you fell in love with her just because she was so damn adorable. Then, as she became a teenager, as a teenage boy you were starting to think little Ashley would be nice to go on a date with. When she turned into a blossoming woman, you just settled for the fact that little Ashley was now Tatyana Ali and had a few REALLY SEXY pics up on the web. So you got some. And used them. For this particular section. Not that I know who this person would be.

alyssa-milano-kid from Samantha to…

alyssa-milano-4

ALYSSA MILANO (Samantha Miceli – Who’s The Boss?)

I think, and this is only an estimate, I’ve watched Who’s The Boss? maybe five times in my life. But I know who Alyssa Milano is. More than I know who Tony friggin’ Danza is. Guess why? One of them later became one of the finest women in Hollywood. Any guy who doesn’t think Alyssa Milano is a knockout is either a) gay, b) blind, or c) dead. This is also the reason Alyssa, unlike any of the other honey’s above, got three pictures up. Miss Milano, you win. Praise the Lord!

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MOVIES THAT JERK YOU OFF

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

vanilla-sky-21

So me and my buddy got to thinking last night: how many movies have we all seen in our life that had good concepts and ideas but absolutely sucked balls?

THERE’S A TON OF THEM!

Movies That Jerk You Off #1 – Vanilla Sky

vanilla-sky

Tom Cruise blows but he picks good movies for the most part (Collateral, Born of the 4th of July) with the occasional piece of shit (Eyes Wide Shut) every so often. Vanilla Sky however, was a bit of both. The movie keeps you in, pulling you along for the ride until they end this grand plot with maybe the biggest cop out of all time. I still think everyone involved with making this movie still owes us all an apology or free movie passes for a year for such a mindless letdown.

vanilla-sky-4

THE ULTIMATE JERK-OFF OF A MOVIE

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