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STOP…BUYING THIS CRAP

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

bottled-water

HEADING DOWN TO THE STORE FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER…

You might want to just keep your ass at home instead. Bottled water is better than tap although I’ve actually heard that’s not even the case. Then again, when you’ve grown up in Los Angeles most of your life such as me and my crew, you don’t drink the tap water if you don’t have to. It’s a last resort. That being said, bottled water is bought up by the gallons all throughout L.A. and the warmer cities. Problem is, most people in these cities haven’t adapted to something called financial responsibility that embodies a person’s overall spending habits, what they purchase and if they really need it or not. Water is something we need. Bottled water is something we don’t. Hit up one of these new water stores sprouting up all over the place. They all have water machines that use a reverse osmosis system that filters the water and makes it crispy and clean. It’s great and at a quarter a gallon, it’s the best deal you can get on a day to day basis. I used to spend $1.80 at 7Eleven every other day on a gallon of their cheaper water. I’m getting about more than seven times that amount at the water store. Ya dig?

7eleven

…AND WHILE I GRAB THE WATER, I’LL GET ME SOME CHIPS AND ICE CREAM

Be responsible with your munchies, cowboy. The convenience of 7Eleven and the neighborhood liquor store are in business because of convenience and nothing but. When you’re craving that Ben and Jerry’s at midnight and a quick drive to the supermarket just won’t do. But while the convenient stores are beckoning at your every desire, your wallet is screaming in pain along the way. Think for the future (even for half a day!) and drop by the market on the way home and spend three times less for three times more and a much happier evening with the munchies :)

tits

HAVE TO GET TO THE SALON BECAUSE MY HAIR’S A MESS!

Young man, STOP!!! If you’re a dude and the word salon somehow makes it out of your mouth, something has probably gone awry. Men go to a barbershop or the haircut place or something of that nature, never a salon. But many men do spend their hard earned money on a stylishly expensive trim down at a salon by some chick who’s probably got her tits in his face looking for a little more tip. Look, I’m not telling you not to be a mess with your hair. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m just telling you that the barber ain’t charging you $50 a pop and up for the same pair of scissors snipping away your hair to make it look better. A simple $15 cut at my old Korean barber never fails to do the trick. It’s great, he speaks barely any English and knows exactly what I want each and every time. He always gets a big tip from me. And it’s not the salon.

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COOL STUFF GUYS INVENTED: BIKINI

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

HIS NAME: LOUIS REARD

WE KNOW HIM AS: THE MAN WHO INVENTED THE BIKINI

French engineer Louis Reard invented the modern day bikini and I think we all have to thank him for making our beaches, swimming pools and lifeguards that much better and HOTTER. It’s funny, the bikini shocked the country of France when it appeared on French beaches back in 1947. Funnier still is that the bikini was originally a Greco-Roman invention, further cementing the Romans as having a thing for showing their legs, including (unfortunately for all of us) the men. Now for the best fact about bikinis you didn’t know: Mr. Reard named the bikini after a nuclear weapons testing site in the Pacific called Bikini Atoll. Now, that’s pretty cool. Hail Louis Reard!!!

bikini-usa

*God bless America!!!

lots

*Hello, nice to meet you. And you. And you. And you. And…I think you get it.

lucy_pinder_11

*The new “I Love Lucy”

girls-in-bikini

*Great things come in threes, and in pairs!

keeley-hazel

*That’s Miss Keeley Hazel to you, boys.

bikinis-reef

*Ass, ass, ASS!

denise-milani

*Denise Milani. Go google her name.

beyonce-bikini

*Beyonce. You don’t have to google her name. YUMMY!

kim_kardashian_1

“Oh, Kim, you’re so fine. Holy shit, you blow my mind.” -The Kim Kardashian version of “Mickey”.

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DEADLY ANIMALS: PARASITES!

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Today’s edition is a nasty one, a filthy one and a scary one all rolled into one. Parasites, and we’re not talking your relatives or that leech of a friend who’s always living off your crumbs. Nope. Today, we discuss the Real McCoy, something you may not be able to handle. Read at your own discretion.

WARNING: YOU MAY FIND SOME OF THE IMAGES VERY DISTURBING

Damn I love writing that!

tapeworm-out-of-butt

TAPEWORM (Class: Cestoda)

I used the image above because it perfectly captured the horror of the tapeworm. And yes, it will come out of your butt, someone else’s butt, or another animal’s butt should it feel like it wants to come out. See, the tapeworm likes the intestines, something us humans don’t quite care for. Making matters even more appetizing, beef tapeworms can get up to 4o feet long (that’s not a typo) and other species of tapeworm have been known to reach 100 feet (also not a typo). The most disgusting part? Many people don’t even know they’re infected by the tapeworm until segments of its body come out when you take a crap. Sometimes, because these worms move around so much in your intestines, they can be seen writhing around in a person’s underwear. In fact, it’s been recorded during parts of history that people would purposely ingest a tapeworm to help them lose weight. PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUKE. THANK YOU.

elephantiasis-of-the-balls

ROUNDWORM (Phylum: Nematoda)

Well, that picture above must be one of those special times when size does matter, although bigger probably isn’t better this time. The disease (a nasty one) is called elephantiasis, a condition that involves the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. It’s caused by a few species of roundworm that are transmitted into their victims through mosquitos. So, not only is this little parasite a mean bastard, it also hitches itself on to another contaminated little creature that we don’t like. They’re like the animal kingdom’s evil twosome. Also, something else to take not of: There are over 80000 species of roundworm, 15000 of which are parasitic. YIKES.

tick-bite-infected

TICK (Arachnids Order: Ixodida)

The infamous tick is our little Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever carrying friend that can make our lives a living hell. Most common are the dog ticks, probably the one tick you’ve seen in your life, possibly on your dog, your cat or maybe even yourself. Hell, I had a tick on my neck when I was about ten years old after my buddy and I were playing in the woods behind his house. It sucked but it sure felt good when my friend’s mom burned that bloated little bastard off my neck with a match. I looked at it dying on the ground and stomped it, sending it to tick hell. There’s ticks all over the world and unfortunately, our American tick species, the dog tick, the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick are all potentially dangerous for spreading diseases, so, in short, WATCH OUT!!!


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$MONEY$, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

This one’s for my El Salvadorian buddies back at my old job. I just wanted to make them proud and promise to do as I told them: “Write sumthin’ bout the fine chicas, ese”. ‘Nuff said, fellas.

jennifer-lopez1

$$$MONEY$$$ – JENNIFER LOPEZ

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo on the street and with the kids and on MTV and all the other silly shit. Known to do whatever it takes to get to the top, including screwing anyone over who dares to stand in her way. Married some dancer once, divorced him because he probably wasn’t pulling in much loot. Tries to marry Ben Affleck until one of them realized how big the other’s ego was (or they both realized this) and broke it off but was able to hook up with latin pop singer Marc Anthony (what kind of Latin name is that?!) who she’s currently still with although there’s always reported problems in the marriage. Finally got pregnant with twins so her blood can continue torturing the people around her for years to come. That’s Jennifer Lopez. Or J-Lo. Or who gives a shit?

vanessa-del-rio

HONEY: VANESSA DEL RIO

Vanessa Del Rio was one of the first big porn stars, albeit a Hispanic porn star as well. She’s appeared in over 100 porno films and is still recognized as one of the greats among porn insiders today. Also, Vanessa has done her share of work in front of the camera in the public eye as well, playing herself in many music videos and appearing in shows such as NYPD Blue. Anyways, apparently she’s someone special in the porn industry.

maria-checa2

PLAYBOY BUNNY: MARIA CHECA

Maria Checa was a gorgeous, Columbian model and actress who landed in Florida with her parents when she was young. She accomplished many things as a young woman, one being an artist attending the Maryland Institute College of Art. Of course, Miss Checa then went on to become playmate of the month in August 1994, turning her future into what appeared to be destiny. But poor Maria unfortunately got caught with the wrong honcho and her boyfriend helped get her in trouble for insider trading. Sad story, eh?

AND THE WINNER IS….

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo. This was a tough one for me. However, Maria Checa looks a tad skinny and I don’t like her taste in men. Vanessa Del Rio just ain’t my type and seems, well, a little used. Also, she’s 57! J-Lo, by default, but also due to extraordinary hotness when she was younger, takes the victory this round.

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All about the beaver

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

What do you think about beaver?

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Hot Shit

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

Think you’re hot shit?

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MORE DEADLY ANIMALS: SEA CREATURES!

Friday, March 13th, 2009

Beaches are fun but I don’t get a kick out of the ocean the way some of you do. Why? Too much life in there I shouldn’t be interacting with. Look, I’ve got my fiance and my couch and my television and my Mac and my refrigerator so what do I need a waltz in the ocean for? Besides, I believe in letting the sea creatures have their place like they’ve let us have ours. When’s the last time a shark came and took a swim in your pool?

Anyways, there’s some interesting creatures lurking below and some REALLY DANGEROUS ONES.

Jumbo Squid Invasion

*is it an honor to hold up your catch if it’s a SQUID?

HUMBOLDT SQUID (Dosidicus gigas)

And we ain’t talking Humboldt, California, folks. This squid is a mean one, at least if you’re an idiot and purposely fishing for it. In Peru and Mexico where such practices take place for commercial reasons, Humboldt squid will and do attack. They’ll fly out of the water and snatch fishermen out of their boats and throw them in the water. The worst part? These squid, unlike most molluscs, have razor sharp teeth on their tentacles, giving their bodies eight slimy barbed wires. Maybe those fishermen need to change career paths.

box-jellyfish

*something so fruity shouldn’t be so poisonous, right?

BOX JELLYFISH (Chironex fleckeri)

WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU

The disclaimer above is perfectly true as this transparent animal has the most toxic poison of all the animals. I think it’s time you better recognize. Mr. Box Jellyfish: King of the Venom. By the way, if you were wondering, don’t go for a swim in Australia should you be planning a vacation to Sidney in the next few months. Hawaii’s off limits as is the Phillipines and Vietnam but I’m not quite sure any of you will be planning vacations there in your life time. Another note, the latin name of this box jellyfish I’m referring to is a specific one in a family of 19 species and it is the grand daddy of them all.

stonefish

*grumpy little bastard, ain’t he?

STONEFISH (Synanceia verrucosa)

Another candidate for ugliest animal in the world, the stonefish has a fixed frown and an appearance you wouldn’t look at twice, being that the fish disguises itself like a rock most of the time. Actually, when it’s camouflaged on the ocean floor, it’s at is most deadly. For if you step on one of these bad boys, you could die because it secretes a super deadly toxin from the tips of their dorsal spines. One more crazy little fact about this fish: some species of stonefish have been known to live in rivers. That sucks. Just when you thought you were safe in freshwater, you’re not.

cone-snail-geographus

*killer snail

CONE SNAIL (Conus geographus)

Ever looked watched a snail for a few seconds and, because it was so slow, you wondered why the hell it’s on earth in the first place? Not many people hold snails in high regard or any regard for that matter. In fact, it reminds me of that stupid little sexist kids’ rhyme “boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails” so I personally don’t give them the light of day. However, this is a bad ass snail. I know, I know. A snail?!  This one has a harpoon mouth that shoots really venomous stuff that could potentially put you to sleep…Forever. Just remember that next time you see a snail in your garden.


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