THEY LIVE AMONGST YOU

Monday, July 20th, 2009

Ever had something ENORMOUS buzzing around your head? Do you swear it had a huge stinger or mandibles ready to attack and poison you?

Well, you might just be right!

tarantula-hawk-11

Tarantula Hawk (Pepsis formosa)

Not too many insects can claim the can handle a spider and only one insect can claim it can kick a tarantula’s ass. The tarantula hawk is a one of a kind wasp with a big attitude and an even bigger stinger. It’s called a tarantula hawk because it friggin’ hunts tarantulas. To be exact, only female tarantula hawks seek out spiders for the purpose of providing a meal for their offspring. The female wasp searches for a spider burrow and swoops down to start a fight, intruding on the spider’s dwelling and forcing it out. A fight ensues where the wasp will sting the hairy arachnid, paralyzing it. It will then proceed to lay a single egg on the immobilized spider. The tarantula hawk’s larvae will hatch from its egg and suck out the juices of the frozen but still alive spider. As the larvae grows, it will eat out the insides of the tarantula. YUMMY! Also, a fact you should know: Tarantula hawk stings are considered one of the most painful stings in the world although it will not kill you.

AB002172

Tsetse Fly (savannah, riverine, forest species)

After learning about the tsetse fly, you’ll be glad you’ve only got the common housefly buzzing around your head obnoxiously. In Africa, they don’t do the common housefly. Nope, Africa does the tsetse fly or, the tsetse fly does Africa. What’s worse is that these nasty little bastards look very similar to houseflies but their wings sit on top of one another when resting and it’s got an enormously long proboscis to better bite you and me with. When it’s biting the people of Africa the tsetse fly is definitely at its worst since it infects its victims with something called trypanosomiases, fatal diseases that cause sleeping sickness and something called nagana in cattle. It would really suck to leave this world at the hands or proboscis of a damn fly. .

mosquito_malaria

Mosquito (genus Anopheles)

The mosquito is not only one of the most unliked creatures on the planet, but statistically, it’s the deadliest animal in the world and it’s not even close. Why it’s deadly is another story, having nothing to do with anything the mosquito is born with. What makes the mosquito (especially the genus mentioned above) so freaky is the diseases it carries and transmits through biting. Known to affect 10% of the entire world’s population, the mosquito makes its infamous claim to fame by infecting its victims with yellow fever, dengue fever and the worst of all, malaria which kills over 2 million people a year. That’s a hell of a murder rap for such a tiny little animal. Anyways, next time you see a mosquito on the wall, SQUISH THE SHIT OUT OF IT and consider it payback.

botfly-larvae

Human Bot Fly aka Torsalo (Dermatobia hominis)

This is one of the most disgusting and disturbing creatures on the planet, especially in regards to humans. While most bot flies tend to prey upon mammals, human bot flies are the only ones known to specifically attack us. That’s not good news. Strangely, adult bot flies have nonfuntional mouth parts so they leave the feeding of human flesh to their young ones, the fat maggot-like larvae. They penetrate any natural opening or burrow through the skin and begin to chow down, swelling up on subdermal juice until their larvae stage is complete after about 20-60 days, forming a pupae and dislodging themselves from the wound. If you want more description, go to youtube and watch someone who’s been infected. Pretty disgusting.

asian-hornet

Asian Giant Hornet aka Japanese Hornet (Vespa mandarinia)

One of the meanest insects on the planet, the asian giant hornet aka the Japanese hornet and, my favorite name, the Yak-killer. That should tell you the temperament of these flying, stinging insects that have a nasty, NASTY attitude and a penchant for ripping honeybees to shreds. At about two inches long, these gigantic hornets send about 300 of their maniacal soldiers out to raid neighboring honeybee hives that hold up to 30,000 bees. But, unfortunately for our happy little honeybee, their enemy can wipe out the entire hive in a few minutes, decapitating and dismembering their bee counterparts to pieces. Sounds like a good time. If you’re ever in Japan and you hear something buzzing, RUN!

MANDRILL VS CHIMP

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: MANDRILL VS CHIMPANZEE

mandrill

BABOON

SIZE: 3-4 ft  30-110 lbs

Well, baboons have been part of our lives, whether in books or movies, for hundreds of years. We’ve read about them in tales of African adventures and how the pesky monkeys cause tons of problems and mischief.

But, wait! We’re not even talking about baboons, are we?

We’re talking about Mandrills, a super-sized baboon that only recently was given its own genus in the vast animal kingdon: Mandrillus.

Mandrills are very similar to baboons, in both behavior and looks. The difference? Let’s start with the mandrill’s colorful snout and butt. Yep, its ass is full of colors! This is to increase its visibility through the thick vegetation of the rain forests it moves through.

Their diet consists mainly of plants, insects and smaller creatures although larger males have been known to hunt and feed on smaller antelope called a duiker. A group of mandrills can really put a hurting on crops and are therefore hunted and killed by farmers in territories that have high populations of mandrill such as Gabon, Cameroon, Congo and Equatorial Guinea.

By the way, if you ask me, mandrills are some ugly bastards. Not a big fan of their looks or that multicolored ass they got but wouldn’t want to cross a mandrill anytime soon.

chimp-2

CHIMPANZEE

SIZE: 3-5.5 ft  80-130lbs

Seems everyone likes chimps, everyone except me. Not that I hate chimps or anything but they just don’t do much for me and I don’t really care for the “they’re part of our family tree” argument. I really don’t give a shit about that as much as I care how interested I am in them as animals.

After all, we’re all animals, right?

But there is no denying the place that chimps have in the human heart. My feelings for them are of the minority, not majority. If you didn’t know by now, a chimp is no monkey. Mandrills are, but not chimps. Nope. Chimps are apes. Great apes to be precise. They only share that family with four other members: gorillas, gibbons, orangutans and humans.

Chimps, however, are by far the most popular since they’re very closely related to humans and their behaviors are damn near identical other than the fact that they live in the forests of Africa rather than the bustling cities and suburbs people are used to.

The fascinating thing about chimps is their ability to use intricate tools in the wild to help achieve different goals for eating. They will often take a stick, shove it into a termite or anthill and allow the bugs to cover the stick before pulling it out and licking it like a popsicle. Might not sound like much to you but, believe me, that’s some highly intelligent animal behavior.

Also, it should be noted that chimps are extremely strong. As in, seven times stronger than the average human male strong. It’s for swinging and climbing and breaking branches from the trees they live amongst.

When it comes to behavior, chimps are very advanced and even form gangs in the same way humans do. These chimp gangs will maneuver through forests in a stealth manner, aiming to ambush rival chimp communities with horrific violence that would make our horror movies seems like a Disney cartoon.

They’re known to kill other chimps in territorial hostility and their favorite food is the red colobus monkeys whose carcasses they will use as a social tool within their chimp communities. Sounds like a fun-loving time with chimps, doesn’t it?

SO WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS...Pitting a mandrill and chimp of equal size won’t be so easy but they meet in a forest and size one another up. The mandrill makes the first move, a series of quick movements toward the chimp, taking a nasty bite out of it each time before falling back. The chimp, beginning to sense his own vulnerability, flips out and goes apeshit (very necessarily here), grabbing the mandrill and slamming him against a tree. As the mandrill slowly comes to his senses, it’s too late. The chimp has already ripped the mandrill’s face and privates away from its body, leaving it to die in a bloody mess.

CHIMP WINS!

chimp

STOP! IT LOOKS DANGEROUS!

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Here’s a few bad ass animals that we share the world with that can send you on a painful visit to the emergency room…if you make it that far. For some reason, invertebrates jumped to mind so that’s what I rode with.

red-back-spider

RED BACK SPIDER (Australia)

This pea-sized little critter packs a nasty bite, ready to sink its fangs into anything that may disturb its home somewhere in a dry and sheltered area where it makes its web. If you think it resembles our American black widow, you’re right. They’re cousins. Ugly cousins but cousins nonetheless.

irukandji-jellyfish1

IRUKANDJI JELLYFISH (Australia)

Ever heard of a box jellyfish, one of the world’s deadliest creatures? Well, this Australian jellyfish is basically a 2.5 centimeter version of that but just as poisonous and much harder to see. A bite from this powerful little fellow will send you to the morgue in a few days without treatment. Staying out of the water in Australia is a good piece of advice here.

lonomia-obliqua

LONOMIA OBLIQUA CATERPILLAR (South America)

Who the hell ever thought a friggin’ caterpillar would pose any threat to mankind? If you ever happen to find your butt hiking through the jungles of Brazil, it might be wise not to rest your arm or leg on a nearby tree. Should you do so, there’s a chance you’ll rub it up against one of these caterpillars, a squirming creature with spines venomous enough to kill a human. Would have been nice to keep caterpillars innocent and nice but I guess old Mother Earth blew it here.

locust-swarm

LOCUST (Africa)

A locust cannot kill you nor can it really hurt you although I wouldn’t want to test those mandibles on its mouth. What the locust can’t do with venom it makes up for in sheer numbers and damage on human resources, mainly crops. Locusts can form swarms up to 150m wide and can cover over 50 countries at a time. That’s called an army. By the way, locust swarms only seem to occur in Africa, so it may be a good idea to scratch the whole entire continent off your vacation list.

MONEY, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Okay, it was only going to happen sooner or later that I moved on to the beautiful, trashy and sexy black women in the world, especially ones that could fall under the money, honeys and Playboy bunnies category. Here goes nothing.

lisa-wu-hartwell

$$$MONEY&&&: LISA WU-HARTWELL

And who can love you like me (nobody) 
Who can sex you like me (nobody) 
Who can lay your body down (nobody) 
Nobody, baby (nobody) – Nobody – Keith Sweat

Real Housewives of Atlanta’s very own Lisa Wu-Hartwell probably wouldn’t be too stoked about me posting those lyrics from her ex-husband, Keith Sweat. Then again, do I care? I do not. Now, she’s married to Edgerton Hartwell, a NFL linebacker that was good with the Baltimore Ravens but now can’t find a team to take him. Her little motto is “If it doesn’t make me money, I won’t do it” and that explains her three businesses as well as her bankruptcy in 2007. Interesting. Anyways, there you have it. If you even cared.

domonique-simone

HONEY: DOMONIQUE SIMONE

Domonique (that’s the spelling, folks) has had a rough life, like most porn stars. Domonique also has tremendously large tits because of tremendously large breast implants, like most porn stars. She’s given it her all for over 200 films and, unfortunately, is starting to look like she has.

ida-ljundquist

PLAYBOY BUNNY: IDA LJUNGQVIST

Don’t bother with the last name since it’s a real son of a bitch to pronounce on first look so I’m calling her Ida Issa since when I first looked at her pic all I said was “Ida is a beautiful thang!”. See, Ida Issa Swedish/Tanzanian hybrid, her daddy from the Alps and her mother from Africa. Ida Issa only playmate that was born in Africa as a matter of fact. You know, sometimes you just have to sit back and enjoy the view. Which reminds me: Is there a race of people out there called Gorgeous? I think there might be. Th has to be.

AND THE WINNER IS…IDA ISSA WINNER!

Was there really any question here? Miss Wu-Hartwell can’t figure out whether she likes money or spending money, the other looks way beyond her best porn years and the last is as pretty a woman as earth could provide mankind. 

CAPE BUFFALO VS HIPPOPOTAMUS

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: CAPE BUFFALO VS HIPPOPOTAMUS

cape-buffalo

CAPE BUFFALO (Syncerus caffer)

SIZE: 8-10 FT  900-2000 LBS

Cape buffalo aren’t as docile as one may think, being that they’re bovids (hoofed mammal) and therefore these massive grazers are natural herbivores. However, among the large amount of bovid species in the animal kingdom, cape buffalo are definitely one of the most successful. That can happen when you run in to herds of up to 1500 beasts all weighing in over 1000 pounds.

Want to know how tough these African buffalo are? When being attacked by adult lions, the herd will huddle close together to make it more difficult for hunters to pick off one member. Also, it’s one of the few herbivore herds that will retaliate when a member is attacked, known to aggressively go after lions after one of their own is killed. In fact, it’s been recorded that buffalo herds have kept lions in trees for up to two hours following an attack on their herd, proving they back down from no animal and definitely no man.

Speaking of man, it brings up the next little curiosity: How dangerous are cape buffalo to us? The answer in two words: VERY DANGEROUS. Considered one of Africa’s “Black Five” (aka “big 5″) for killing the most people per year, buffalo are known to be super aggressive and unhappy with humans. In fact, they’re known as the most dangerous animal to hunt in Africa according to big game hunters. Apparently, when a buffalo is being hunted or even senses it, it will not shy away but rather pursue and ambush hunters, bulling them over and goring them to death.

DON’T HUNT THE CAPE BUFFALO AND YOU WON’T DIE

hippopotamus_001

HIPPOPOTAMUS (Hippopotamus amphibius)

SIZE: 11 FT  3000-4000 LBS

Quick: What’s eleven feet long, four thousand pounds and can run faster than an Olympic sprinter in short distance? Thinking hard? Given up yet? Believe it or not, it’s a hippo. Yep, that fat, stubby, brown mass of blubber that does nothing but wallow in rivers of mud all day long. That’s the one. While this may be true, the hippo is not to be screwed with. 

Some interesting things about the hippopotamus you may not have known are quite fascinating. That color they get? Not just a phenomenon, my friends. Nope. They’ve got a natural skin ointment that they secrete to protect them from the baking African sun. In the meantime we still haven’t figured out the all day sun block that actually works without risk of skin cancer. Socially, hippos are part of a group of up to thirty hippos called a pod or herd that is lead by a dominant bull male. It’s funny that there are sometimes other males in the pods called bachelors that aren’t bulls because they let the dominant male run them. This also happens with people. Funny shit.

Notoriously recognized as one of the most ferocious animals in Africa, I’ve personally heard the “most deadly” moniker put with the hippo the most. While I’m no expert, my biggest stamp of approval came from Steve Irwin, the deceased Crocodile Hunter who claimed that moving along an African river in a canoe at night was by far the most frightening experience of his life. That should give you a good example of the danger a hippopotamus can present. Need more evidence? Hippos are very hostile toward two things in particular: crocodiles and boats. Any animal that will lash out against a crocodile and a damn boat is what I term unfuckwittable. Feel free to use that word should you the occasion arise.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…We’ll imagine a Shaq version of the cape buffalo arrived on the scene to square off against the hippo down at the water hole. While the buffalo has immense power and speed and set of horns that can gore and stab, the hippo is able to run just as fast, can utilize the water and can open it’s mouth almost wide enough to bite the buffalo in half. The buffalo bulls toward the hippo who stands its ground and chomps a huge hole into the buffalo’s side, sending its bloody carcass down the river as a gift for his crocodile enemies.

HIPPOPOTAMUS WINS!

hippo-mouth

*my name is HIPPOPOTAMUS and I think it’s time you recognized

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: CATS!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

*People love dogs and cats the world over. I’d say, overall, dogs are ahead as far as lovable pets go but that doesn’t mean that cats are far behind. However, out in the wild, there are WAY more cats than dogs and wild cats, otherwise known as big cats, make wild dogs look like house cats. They’re pretty damn cool though, whether they’re huge or just a bit bigger than domestic cats. I think I owe it to you all to list some of the more dangerous and deadly big cats across the globe.

So, in honor of those dangerous, furry, cuddly cats, a list…

jaguar-kills-caiman

JAGUAR (Panthera onca)

SIZE: 5-6 FT  125-300LBS

The Jaguar (and we ain’t talking cars here, folks) can call the lion, tiger and leopard family. Not only is it the third largest cat in the world, it’s the biggest in the New World otherwise known as the Western Hemisphere (big cats in Africa, Asia and India are considered part of the Old World).

And check this out: jaguars tend to get bigger the further south you go. That means, stay out of South America, especially places like Argentina and Uruguay probably wouldn’t be nice places to go prancing around in the rain forest. You wouldn’t want to meet a jaguar either because, pound for pound, it’s got the most powerful bite of the family. Fortunately for you, jaguars rarely attack humans.

What it does attack is pretty damn impressive, however. In the picture above, he’s got a tasty caiman (a South American crocodile relative) in his mouth meaning he can kick some major ass. In addition to caimans, jaguars will kill capybaras (largest rodents in the world), deer, tapirs (one of the weirdest looking mammals in the world), turtles, mice, birds, frogs, dogs, peccaries (a kind of pig), dogs, foxes, monkeys, and, my favorite one of all, anacondas. 

Anything that can hunt an anacanda is a gangsta. Period. End of discussion.

leopard-with-kill

LEOPARD (Panthera pardus)

SIZE: 3-6FT  80-200LBS

The leopard is the baby of the family, being that it’s the smallest. This doesn’t give you a pass to provoke the thing but I’m just stating the facts here. There’s not too many of these around because we keep murdering them as always but they’re primarily in Africa but some leopard species still call parts of Asia, India and Pakistan home.

While you may think leopards look like jaguars and vice versa, the rosette patterns on the leopard lack the inside patterns the jaguar possesses. Remember that and also that it’s smaller. Another thing to know: the mystical “black panther” is really a melanistic leopard or jaguar, not a panther (aka mountain lion, cougar)).

On to the fun part: what they eat. Leopards don’t have quite the magnitude of their bigger family members but it makes up for it in other ways. It will prey upon a variety of different creatures big and small including ungulates (hoofed mammals), rodents, monkeys, fish and reptiles. The key difference here is that a jaguar, unlike any other cat in the fam, can drag prey up to three times its own body weight up a tree.

When it comes to us, leopards will try to avoid humans. However, they’ve been known to be vicious hunters of man in the past. The legendary Indian leopard, Leopard of Penar, was said to have killed over 400 men. There have been other stories of leopards killing over 100 people. Not good, says I.

cougarmntn-lion

MOUNTAIN LION/COUGAR/PUMA (Puma concolor)

SIZE: 5-9FT (head to tail) 115-160LBS

The mountain lion is not a true lion but whoever saw it first thought it looked pretty damn close to a lioness and accordingly named it “lion of the mountain”. A lot of people think cougars and pumas are a different animal than the mountain lion but these people are wrong. All three are one in the same but the cat was lucky enough to get three cool sounding names. At least, I dig them all.

If you want to know how adaptable these guys are, they’ve got the largest geographical range of ANY land animal in the entire Americas. Talk about flexibility, a mountain lion lives in any environment from dense brushes to mountains and deserts. Funny thing is, cougars get smaller near the equator and larger at the poles. Weird, huh?

As the fourth largest cat in the world, pumas eat a very wide range of things, with its most important prey being deer, at least for the majority of the ones in North America. Their South American counterparts tend to drift towards rodents and other smaller sized mammals. But, again, being the flexible cats that they are, mountain lions will eat just about anything it can catch. 

Like most attacks from big cats, cougar attacks on humans is a rare occurrence. However, the more we take over their habitat, the more they want to bite us. Do you blame them? Check it: between 1890-1990 there were 53 mountain lion attacks. From 1990-2004 there were 35. Big, big, BIG difference. We’re to blame. As always. Just don’t take your kids hunting in puma territory. Just about every attack on children turns out to be fatal. But I’d imagine you, as the parent, would be liable for that.

lion-carrying-impala1

LION (Panthera leo)

SIZE: 5 1/2-8FT 330-550LBS

Ah, the mighty king of the jungle. He of the Lion King, one of Disney’s greatest masterpieces of all time. Lions are one of the most beloved creatures on earth, adored by the masses all over the planet. It’s interesting how such a murderous cat can be so loved but hey, that’s people.

The majority of lions inhabit Africa but some still patrol parts of India but they’re called Asiatic lions, different from the lions we all know and love, the African lion. Interestingly, lions are one of the only social group of cats and of course, unique in that the lionesses (females) do the hunting while the king of the jungle lays back and chills. And he still gets first on the grub.

Although lions can run up to 40mph, they can only do so for a short amount of time because their stamina is very, very low. This may also be a reason they hunt in packs, to give them a better chance at a kill. However, in the eating world, lions got tons of range, BIG RANGE. As in, they devour BIG animals. Overall, the wildebeest is one of the most sought after meals for the lion but they can take down anything such as antelopes, zebras, buffalo, giraffes and yes, even elephants. In fact, there’s a group of lions that primarily prey on elephants, taking them out at night when the big beasts’ vision is terrible. And yet another group of lions along the coast feed exclusively on seals. Yep, lions don’t screw around when it comes to eating.

Well, well, well, Mr. Lion, do you like to eat people? Why, yes he does! Not that lions purposely hunt humans, although there have been some rare cases (The Ghost and the Darkness is a movie based on two lions of this nature) but since people seem to venture closer and closer to lions, there seems to be more and more cases of lions eating them. Some researchers report that lions kill over 200 Tanzanians a year and from 1990-2005, at least 563 villagers were attacked, many eaten, around Tanzania. There’s a lesson to be learned from these facts:

DON’T GO TO AFRICA

bengal-tiger

TIGER (Panthera tigris)

SIZE: 7-10FT  400-700LBS

Funny how the final two big cats aren’t only the most popular but the biggest and the baddest, the tiger being the largest of the cat family by a fairly wide margin. At least, the Siberian tiger (largest cat in the world) can claim this since it is the largest and the heaviest.

There are only about 4000 of these huge cats left in the wild where they only call the continent of Asia their hometown. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: tiger stripes are as distinct on tigers as fingerprints are to humans, creating a much easier way for scientists and researchers to track the striped felines.

Though it may be heavier and bigger than its cousin, the African lion, tigers usually will prey on animals smaller than what lions are accustomed to. This isn’t to say that tiger prey is small, however. It’s got a wide range of creatures it eats including antelopes, guar (large wild cattle), deer, boar, but more impressive are the pythons, leopards, sloth bears and crocodiles it occasionally finds appetizing. Once you’ve claimed pythons, leopards, bears and crocodiles as food, you’re absolutely not be to screwed with. EVER.

Well, there’s a reason I got the tiger down here. It’s because, over history, the tiger has killed more humans than any other big cat but it’s more due to increasing population than a thirst for the flesh of homo sapiens. A particular location of India called the Sundarbans mangrove swamps, tiger attacks have increased so much that villagers wear masks on the back of their heads when moving through the mangroves because tigers generally attack from behind and tend to not do so when faced. Another lesson here:

DON’T GO TO INDIAN MANGROVE SWAMPS