They don’t even teach us how to spell SCHOOL correctly!
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Thursday, June 18th, 2009
They don’t even teach us how to spell SCHOOL correctly!
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
Because people wear plastic bottles for shoes in other countries.
Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
*Every once in a while I let my mind unravel and go nuts. This is the direct result of this unexplainable phenomenon. Well, it’s explainable but I’d rather not explain. Anyways, I did a unique spin on some products I have come to respect.
Halo, I’m Halo. I’m a video game that allows you to play your friends and other gamers anywhere in the entire world! I’m really, really fun and even more addicting. Like crack, I can keep gamers in their houses 24/7, 365. In fact, some gamers lose their friends and family over their Halo addictions. I also look super cool with incredibly futuristic graphics that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I’m such a fetish for such a large amount of gamers that I’ll be around for years and years to come. In fact, when your grandchildren ask you to get them Halo 15 for Christmas, you’ll have a head’s up.
Halo, I’m iPhone! Just wanted to introduce myself as the most dominant gadget in the entire universe. Not only do I kick the crap out of all the other smartphones on a daily basis, I’m also growing more and more everyday! Hell, soon I’m going to be on the same level as Nintendo and Sony in the gaming console market because guess what people are starting to do a lot with their iPhones? That’s right! Gaming! Soon, I’m looking at taking over the world. Period.
Do I even need to mention my name? I’ve got something like a million television stations and movies and cartoons and merchandise and theme parks and all types of things. I mean, sometimes, honestly, I don’t even know half the stuff I own. There’s a chance I may even own you and your entire family! This brilliant guy named Walt Disney created me and now I’m to entertainment what the sky is to those meager little humans: ABOVE IT ALL.
Well, guys, I don’t do gadgets and I don’t do entertainment. My forte is food. Fast food to be exact. They call me The Golden Arch or Mickey D’s but you can just call me The Super because I own more real estate than anyone else on the planet! That’s right, McDonald’s is the name and kicking fast food ass is the game. Started in California and became an international juggernaut. Bow down and kiss my feet and don’t forget your Happy Meal on the way out.
Ain’t world domination fun, guys? I’ve been doing it for years just like Mickey Mouse but I’m so big, the world goes to war over my products and I’m the biggest fish in the pond. Yep, I’m the King of Black Gold and the American public will be pumping gas at my ExxonMobil stations all across the wonderful states. I’m the kind of the company that makes billions an hour! That’s not a typo. It’s so good to know I’ve got some friends to talk to now. You know what the best part is? We’ve already taken over the world!
Thursday, March 26th, 2009
BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: BADGER VS WOLVERINE
I thought it’d be a good Battle of the Beasts to pit two mascots of two very recognized universities against one another. In honor of the Wisconsin Badgers and Michigan Wolverines, this one’s for you!
“Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” – UHF
BADGER (Taxidea taxus-American badger)
SIZE: 2-2.5 FT 9-16 LBS
Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the badger, ferret and wolverine too because they’re all part of the same family, Mustelidae. Known throughout the world for their incredible ferocity, this family of intense mammals is NOT to be messed with. Ferrets and weasels don’t tend to have the attitude problems of their cousin, the badger but screwing with any member of this family would probably serve you wrong.
The American badger can be found in the central and western parts of our country and throughout all of central and southwestern Canada and British Columbia. They can also be found in Mexico where the locals call them “tejon”. Their colorings are usually of the black, gray and white blend, some more colorful then others.
In regards to eating, the badger likes to prey on the little mammals that it lives with such as gophers, ground squirrels, deer mice, various rat species, voles, prairie dogs, marmots, lizards, snakes, amphibians and even birds. THE BADGER LIKES TO EAT!!! Basically, the badger was built with an enormous pair of front claws, enabling it burrow for food. Here’s the coolest fact of all: Badgers and coyotes have formed a hunting team in the wild, the coyote chasing quicker mammals above ground and then allowing the badger to dig them out when they retreat underground. It is a perfectly precise operation that leaves their prey no room to live. Nice teamwork, guys.
For those of you that don’t already know, badgers are absolutely livid in the wild when approached. They back down from NOTHING, including much larger mammals such as wolves and bears. Should you find this hard to believe, you’re free to test a wild badger if you can find one. But if you’ve ever heard stories about the badgers and their steaming temper, well, it’s as true as can be.
WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!
WOLVERINE (Gulo gulo)
SIZE: 2-3 FT 20-60 LBS
Although you may be thinking X-Men here, we’re discussing the real live actual living wolverine, not Wolverine, the super hero with the metal claws. No, this is the real deal here, folks. The wolverine does live amongst you, although they tend to liken themselves to isolated and colder northern regions of the United States, Canada, Russia, China and Mongolia. So, fortunately for us, if you don’t like the cold too much, you probably won’t ever have to encounter a wolverine.
Sadly, these mean little guys are very sought out for their fur because, unlike many animals, a wolverine’s coat is damn near water resistant, meaning it can fend off frost very well. Unfortunately, hunters know this and target them because, as you know, hunters are a bunch of greedy pricks.
Now check this out: wolverines have a molar tooth at the back of the mouth that is rotated 90 degrees toward the inside of their mouth! This helps them tear chunks of meat off of carrion that might be frozen solid and it also allows them to crush bones where they can feed on the marrow. YUMMY!
Now on to the fun part: Wolverine and humans. While wolverines haven’t been recorded to kill a person, they are M-E-A-N. And ferocious. And mean. And even more ferocious. This is an animal known to adamantly defend its kill against the likes of bears, wolves and cougars. Also. wolverines have been known to have the balls to try to steal a kill from a bear but unfortunately this usually will result in a wolverine’s death. Sure, wolverines are nasty but a bear is just as nasty and a whole lot bigger.
THE SAGE SAYS…At the same size, this is a good match. Badgers have a powerful set of claws and big teeth but wolverines are immensely powerful and brutal, their willingness to defend their kill or steal a kill from much larger animals being something to take notice in. In a battle to the death, the wolverine outlasts the badger but unfortunately crawls away and lays down to die.
WOLVERINE WINS…BUT DIES
Sunday, March 15th, 2009
Since nobody seems to be able to shut up about Chris Brown or Rihanna or both in the last month, I figured I’d do my own spin on the entire ordeal with an old quote from Brown that kind of made me chuckle. It’s fun going back and pulling quotes from a dude who’s in serious trouble with the American public because of allegedly beating the ever loving shit out of his girlfriend, Rihanna. Why he’d have to smash such a beautiful young woman’s face in like he seems to have from the looks of those pictures that were accidently released is beyond me but my belief is it has something to do with Chris Brown’s personal insecurities. When you’re pounding a girl like that, you’ve got some SERIOUS issues deep down that you’ve got to confront.
SERIOUSLY SERIOUS ISSUES!
“I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerge a better person.”
STOP SAYING THAT!
So, do you mean to tell me, that with God’s help, you will change? With God’s help, your fist and hands will be prevented from pounding a young lady’s face in? Will God stop you from turning Rihanna from this gorgeous, pretty, sweet little face to…
…this battered, beat up and disturbingly swollen face?
*Are you Rihanna?! I don’t remember all the swollen parts of your face.
Christopher Maurice Brown. Singer, dancer, entertainer, woman-beater. You know, I was wondering when we’d have another Ike Turner to take the reins of “celebrity wife beaters” into the new millennium. Sure, Brown is nine years late but better late than never, right? I only have one question left:
IS CHRIS BROWN’S CAREER OVER?
Let’s hope so. Chump. In the future, before smacking your Cover Girl model around, see if any other dudes will take Rihanna off your hands before you disassemble her face.
Friday, March 13th, 2009
More useless things from our wild consumer spending.
OMIGOD! UGGS ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING IN THE WORLD!!!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugg schmug. I got female friends who will probably stab me after they read this because they’re so IN LOVE with their Uggs footwear that sometimes it seems that’s the only thing they’re wearing these days. Well, if that were the case, maybe I’d be a little more in to them being that a bunch of naked women trouncing around in nothing but Uggs wouldn’t be such a bad idea. However, at $120 a pair, don’t think these things aren’t going up on this list since I believe a heavy pair of socks does the trick for ten times less dough. Point is, you ain’t getting a sliver of sympathy from me if you’re complaining about money and have a pair of Uggs. Also, all dudes out there with a pairs of Uggs: THROW THEM OUT AND GET MANLY. Yeah, you read that right. Throw them out, pussy.
IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT AND THAT MEANS BAR-HOPPING!
And bar hopping means spending a lot of money! Drinks are rarely below $7 once tip is accounted for so if you’re planning on getting drunk, and most of you are, depending on how well you hold your liquor, you could be up to your neck in booze and bar tabs. Yes, I understand you’re a dude and you have to hit up all the cool bars to see what kind of hot chicks may be out prowling the night for you but, get a clue, homeboy, they ain’t prowling for you, they’re prowling for a guy who’s going to buy their drinks for them. It’s exactly why bar hopping for chicks can be a LOT different than bar hopping for guys. Either way, I think bar hopping is for pretentious people with nothing better to do than to spend hours dolling themselves up to look completely different than they really look just to attract another person that looks completely different than they really do and maybe “hook up”, a term that I absolutely can’t fucking stand to hear. “Hook up” with a tax guy and learn how to spend your money wisely, morons. “Hook up”. Sheesh.
WE GOTTA LIVE IN BEV HILLS OR MANHATTAN OR…
Live where you want, silly-shit, but it’s all the same when the neighborhood doesn’t fit you and, more likely, you don’t fit the neighborhood. I’ve lived in Los Angeles for most of my life so I’m used to this pretentious thinking to make those around you (fake friends, really) think you’re much bigger and more special than you really are. It goes in line with the same douche bags who live in apartments but drive $35-50K cares just for show. In fact, head over to the Hollywood area if you want to see where L.A.’s actors and actresses overspend their money. However, having been to more cities than just Los Angeles, I’ve noticed this disturbing trend across the states because I know it is a “thing” to be living in Manhattan if you’re in New York and I’m sure there are ritzy areas in every major city in America where people tend to stretch their limits way too far and wind up biting themselves in the ass.
LIVE WHERE YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVE NOT WHERE YOU WANT TO LIVE