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Posts Tagged ‘American’

HALO, I’M iPHONE!

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

*Every once in a while I let my mind unravel and go nuts. This is the direct result of this unexplainable phenomenon. Well, it’s explainable but I’d rather not explain. Anyways, I did a unique spin on some products I have come to respect.

Halo, I’m Halo. I’m a video game that allows you to play your friends and other gamers anywhere in the entire world! I’m really, really fun and even more addicting. Like crack, I can keep gamers in their houses 24/7, 365. In fact, some gamers lose their friends and family over their Halo addictions. I also look super cool with incredibly futuristic graphics that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I’m such a fetish for such a large amount of gamers that I’ll be around for years and years to come. In fact, when your grandchildren ask you to get them Halo 15 for Christmas, you’ll have a head’s up.

halo-3

Halo, I’m iPhone! Just wanted to introduce myself as the most dominant gadget in the entire universe. Not only do I kick the crap out of all the other smartphones on a daily basis, I’m also growing more and more everyday! Hell, soon I’m going to be on the same level as Nintendo and Sony in the gaming console market because guess what people are starting to do a lot with their iPhones? That’s right! Gaming! Soon, I’m looking at taking over the world. Period.

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Do I even need to mention my name? I’ve got something like a million television stations and movies and cartoons and merchandise and theme parks and all types of things. I mean, sometimes, honestly, I don’t even know half the stuff I own. There’s a chance I may even own you and your entire family! This brilliant guy named Walt Disney created me and now I’m to entertainment what the sky is to those meager little humans: ABOVE IT ALL.

disney-cornocopiea

 

Well, guys, I don’t do gadgets and I don’t do entertainment. My forte is food. Fast food to be exact. They call me The Golden Arch or Mickey D’s but you can just call me The Super because I own more real estate than anyone else on the planet! That’s right, McDonald’s is the name and kicking fast food ass is the game. Started in California and became an international juggernaut. Bow down and kiss my feet and don’t forget your Happy Meal on the way out.

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Ain’t world domination fun, guys? I’ve been doing it for years just like Mickey Mouse but I’m so big, the world goes to war over my products and I’m the biggest fish in the pond. Yep, I’m the King of Black Gold and the American public will be pumping gas at my ExxonMobil stations all across the wonderful states. I’m the kind of the company that makes billions an hour! That’s not a typo. It’s so good to know I’ve got some friends to talk to now. You know what the best part is? We’ve already taken over the world!

exxonmobil

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DEADLY ANIMALS: PARASITES!

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Today’s edition is a nasty one, a filthy one and a scary one all rolled into one. Parasites, and we’re not talking your relatives or that leech of a friend who’s always living off your crumbs. Nope. Today, we discuss the Real McCoy, something you may not be able to handle. Read at your own discretion.

WARNING: YOU MAY FIND SOME OF THE IMAGES VERY DISTURBING

Damn I love writing that!

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TAPEWORM (Class: Cestoda)

I used the image above because it perfectly captured the horror of the tapeworm. And yes, it will come out of your butt, someone else’s butt, or another animal’s butt should it feel like it wants to come out. See, the tapeworm likes the intestines, something us humans don’t quite care for. Making matters even more appetizing, beef tapeworms can get up to 4o feet long (that’s not a typo) and other species of tapeworm have been known to reach 100 feet (also not a typo). The most disgusting part? Many people don’t even know they’re infected by the tapeworm until segments of its body come out when you take a crap. Sometimes, because these worms move around so much in your intestines, they can be seen writhing around in a person’s underwear. In fact, it’s been recorded during parts of history that people would purposely ingest a tapeworm to help them lose weight. PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUKE. THANK YOU.

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ROUNDWORM (Phylum: Nematoda)

Well, that picture above must be one of those special times when size does matter, although bigger probably isn’t better this time. The disease (a nasty one) is called elephantiasis, a condition that involves the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. It’s caused by a few species of roundworm that are transmitted into their victims through mosquitos. So, not only is this little parasite a mean bastard, it also hitches itself on to another contaminated little creature that we don’t like. They’re like the animal kingdom’s evil twosome. Also, something else to take not of: There are over 80000 species of roundworm, 15000 of which are parasitic. YIKES.

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TICK (Arachnids Order: Ixodida)

The infamous tick is our little Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever carrying friend that can make our lives a living hell. Most common are the dog ticks, probably the one tick you’ve seen in your life, possibly on your dog, your cat or maybe even yourself. Hell, I had a tick on my neck when I was about ten years old after my buddy and I were playing in the woods behind his house. It sucked but it sure felt good when my friend’s mom burned that bloated little bastard off my neck with a match. I looked at it dying on the ground and stomped it, sending it to tick hell. There’s ticks all over the world and unfortunately, our American tick species, the dog tick, the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick are all potentially dangerous for spreading diseases, so, in short, WATCH OUT!!!


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STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that this section will be devoted to all things that can be watched on your television albeit movies, television shows or documentaries. I would do porn as well but there’s too many damn porn movies out there and the prices they charge for a new DVD is insane and the main reason the biggest companies in porn have lost 20-30% business in the last full year.

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YU-GI-OH! – THE MOVIE (Warner Bros. 2004)

“Mom! Mom! Take me to see Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie! Please, Mom! Please, please PLEASE!!!” This was a familiar plead from little boys across the U.S. when this movie was released here in the states before it was then released in Japan, uncut. Yep, American audiences can’t seem to handle certain PG rated cartoons. Yu-Gi-Oh! was a HUGE hit in the U.S. with little boys who fantasized about being various different characters from the Japanese cartoon. I really don’t understand this obsession with Japanese anime but I also don’t deny it’s magnitude among kids, boys especially.

Therefore, when this movie hit the box offices, it was a little disappointing to hear how much it sucked. Rotten Tomatoes website gave it a 5% on a scale of 1-100%. That’s terrible. U.S. movie critics destroyed it as well. Entertainment Weekly’s Scott Brown called Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie “a feature-length anime commercial”. OUCH! One thing I can’t stand is when a huge kids franchise such as this puts out a crappy movie because they think just the name will pull in the masses. With a worldwide box office gross of $29,170,410, the producers and creators of Yu-Gi-Oh! made a BIG mistake. 

Unlike, our next movie.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

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WALL-E (Disney/Pixar 2009)

This animated movie was so good that I really believed it might be the first animated movie in history to take home the Oscar for Best Picture. Yes, it’s that good. That it won Best Animated Feature is great, but it really did deserve at least a nomination for Best Picture. I did not see Slumdog Millionaire yet so I can’t compare the two but Wall-E is definitely in the discussion of greatest animated movies of all time.

Why such high praise? Well, there really isn’t one flaw in this movie. None. The characters are incredible, every one of them. The animation and scenery are beyond what even your dreams could imagine and each scene keeps raising the stakes visually. On top of that, the story of this movie is something to be reckoned with, attached with a message ALL OF US can learn from. 

I can see how some people may view the message as “anti-fat” but that’s far from the truth. The message is really “anti-get-off-your-lazy-ass-and-do-something-or-else…” and maybe some people (who are on the bigger side) got offended. Hey, I’m on the bigger side but I’m also able to dissect and get into the real intricacies of movies so my interpretation of the message is correct and that I know as fact.

Despite the message of the film, just watching it will blow you away. How Pixar achieved this thing is beyond me but then again, they are the most successful movie studio of all time (if you count how many incredibly good and prosperous movies they’ve made in a row) so they know what they’re up to. Wall-E is worth your time, maybe even twice, possibly three times over. When it arrives on DVD, I will buy a copy and it will be the first animated film I officially add to my collection. 

Yep. It’s that good.

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