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STOP! IT’S DANGEROUS

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

DANGEROUS ANIMALS OF THE UNITED STATES

bark-scorpion

BARK SCORPION

Yes, indeed this gnarly little critter dwells in our states but only you Southwestern residents need to worry about this poisonous bugger stinging you. While one of the most venomous scorpions in the world, there have only been two fatalities from bark scorpion stings since 1968. However, that doesn’t mean you should be a damn moron and go looking for one. If you happen to pick it up and get stung, tough luck, douchebag.

brown-recluse

RECLUSE SPIDER

Disgusting. Filthy. Rotten. Frightening. Poisonous. REALLY POISONOUS. The picture on the right shows the results of an untreated brown recluse spider, also known as a recluse or fiddleback spider. Wouldn’t want a bite like that on my leg. Not on my arm. And especially not down in my trousers.

moose

MOOSE

Look at those antlers, boy! Yep, Bullwinkle ain’t so nice after all. Moose, sometimes standing over 7 feet at the shoulder, are one tough beast. Poisonous? No. Dangerous? HELL YEAH. Bull mooses DO NOT like humans. Not one bit. If a female moose has a calf with her, it will destroy you before you even know what hit you. During the fall mating season, bull mooses will attack ANYTHING male that they feel is a threat to their females. Check this out: some bull mooses have even been known to attack Locomotives. That’s dangerous!

raccoon

RACOON

Such a cute. lovable animal, those fun, pesky racoons, ain’t they? Well, yeah, if you take out the fact that racoons are one of the most prolific carriers of rabies, a form of rabies that can really pack a punch if bitten. Sure they’re cute. Sure they’re interesting. But they’re dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Not because they want to bite you and not because they will bite you. But, if they do bite you, you could be screwed. And you’ll definitely be visiting the hospital.

coral-snake

CORAL SNAKE

Pretty snake, huh? Yeah, pretty to look at it and that’s about it. Second most venomous snake behind some of our more well known rattlesnake species (Western Diamondback, Eastern Diamondback, Mojave), the coral snake is much less aggressive but still not a snake you’d want to be handling any time soon. What’s worse, if a coral snake should happen to bite you, it may not even be painful, however, once you start experience breathing difficulties and a drooping eyelid (psosis) you’ll know you’ve been bitten by the beautiful, colorful creature called the coral snake.

HERB, HERB, HERB: HERB IS THE WORD

Wednesday, April 29th, 2009

xmas-kush

OH MY GOD IS HE TALKING ABOUT MARIJUANA? WEED? POT? GANJA? THAT MARY JANE GIRL?

Um, yes, actually I am. I’m only discussing it because it’s been such a hot debate that it’s literally smoking (pun intended). 14 states in the union have legalized medical marijuana. Maybe they see a good reason to legalize a drug that could reap in a few billion dollars of revenue for the government each year.

Regarding that, I thought I’d help out some of those states out with some slogans they could use in case they ever decide (or get forced) to legalize Ms. Mary Jane.

arizona

“Ever been to the desert….on weed?”

florida

“Wake up to a friendly joint and a glass of Florida orange juice!”

texas

“Toke up freely deep in the heart of Texas.”

wisconsin

“We’ve got wine and cheese and now weed and cheese.”

kentucky

“Growing blue weed on blue hills.”

louisiana

“Legalizing weed down in the bayou.”

tennessee-quarter

“Now you can smoke a bowl with Elvis!”

utah

“Never in a million years.”

STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009

Scanning my memory along the thousands of terrible movies the world of cinema has delivered to us in my lifetime, I decided to stick with the times and lash out on a recent flick that seemed to garner WAY TOO MUCH attention for a film that didn’t really deserve it. Films don’t deserve unnecessary praise when they’re just a watered down version of a movie before them that was way more original and just better all around. So, this time around, I decided to take teenage vampires to task because the love they’ve gotten recently is a little too “MTV” for me. And I don’t do MTV because MTV sucks.

twilight-movie-poster

TWILIGHT (Summitt Entertainment 2008)

Twilight started as a novel by Stephenie Meyer and became the teen vampire book became an enormous success with a bunch of different spin offs of the original. The wildly successful movie is its most prosperous project to date, taking in over $190 million in box office revenue. 

It tells the story of Isabella Swan (Bella) whose migration from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington entails the usual teen angst until she gets her life saved by a teen vampire who stops a moving van with his bare hands in the parking lot of their high school. Turns out Edward Cullen is a vampire, along with his family however, unlike most vampires, Edward and his blood-thirsty family drink the blood of animals rather than humans as their vampirish race should be doing. 

More stuff happens and twists get thrown into the whole ordeal to provide fans with a vague and unoriginal story usually reserved for movies like this. I’m not a fan of the book so I could care less how accurate the movie is in relation to the book but apparently, it’s a far cry from the novel in a bad way. But that’s usually the case with books taking a chance at the silver screen.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

lost-boys

THE LOST BOYS (Warner Bros. 1987)

Funny how this 1987 horror/comedy movie about cool teenaged vampires was also about a teenager originally from Arizona who moves over to the west coast, this time to sunny California. Jason Patric plays Michael but this movie has tons and tons of good actors such as Diane Wiest, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, teen superstars of the 1980′s. The cast alone sends it way passed Twilight in the “which is better” discussion so let’s put that to rest right off the bat.

As for originality, Twilight doesn’t stand a chance against The Lost Boys because not only is the actual story more creative and unique, the characters themselves are all so different, they each have their own little way of doing things, making each of them distinct. Basically, the coastal down of Santa Carla, California is infested by a local gang that, in all actuality, is really a gang of vampires with a twist. It’s so much like the normal gang activity that they even have an initiation rite for Michael (Patric).

To make this easy on you, get on your Netflix and get this bad boy sent to your house. Either that, or hit up the local video store and grab this on DVD. If you like any or all teenaged vampire movies, it’s damn near impossible for this one to disappoint. If it does, it’s probably a problem with your head, not the movie.