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STOP…PANICKING AND BUY

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Rally on, Mr. Market, RALLY ON! Well, at least it was fun while it lasted. Three straight weeks of gains topped off with last Friday’s market losing 148 points or 1.87%. Not terrible since that damn thing kicked major ass last Monday, gaining 497 points or 6.8%. What’s that spell: V-O-L-A-T-I-L-E.

volatile-stock-chart1

But does the three week gain mean anything? How much it means is up to the guys who have their big degrees and big paychecks to claim they know the answers. Unfortunately for those geniuses, they still don’t know shit. Analysts, researchers, economists are very smart people. Very, very smart. But they don’t know more than you, they don’t know more than me and they don’t know what they think they know about the market. They’re just a bunch of dudes who know a lot of numbers and can write a good report on them. In short, they’re smart asses. 

smart-ass

*Another great picture. Whoever designed this is brilliant!

Statistically speaking, according to the majority of these experts, this recent bull rally is really just a “bear market rally”. So, going with that theory, this “bear market rally” should be ending very soon. Soon as in last Friday thus starting a brand new bear market tomorrow, on Monday. So, what’ll be? In honor of Saturday Night Live’s Super Fans, we must ask,  

“Are we taking da Bears or are we takin’ da Bulls?”

snl-super-fans

Seems like an easy question these days. Everyone’s going nuts over what could be over 700,000 job cuts in the month of March when the jobs data gets released this Friday. If it’s worse than expected the Bears are attacking with machine guns. If it’s better than expected, the Bulls could hold their ground and reinforce their current attack with another missle rally upward. It could happen.

missle-launch

Point is, something completely one-sided will take effect. Either the bears kick ass or the bulls. Trust me, either way, it won’t be an even week. Might not even be two or three. Something’s happening right now, on a Sunday night, all around the world that none of us little investors know about. But it’s a’happenin’. It’s a mystery as to what it is but it involves money and lots of it to be precise. 

question-mark

Anyhow, bear or bull, war or not, there’s stocks out there worth a good look. However, there’s many that aren’t. Here are a few I’ve noticed that just look bad. In short, they suck.

Warner Music Group (WMG) wmg-small-logo

It’s not WMG’s fault that music is officially dead from a corporate standpoint. If it was alive, Warner would be just fine. See, most artists got smart and are now taking the DIY (doing it yourself) directiont. Basically, artists have been completely cutting out the middleman (Warner, Universal, Sony) and making lots of dough doing it. Thank yourself, the artists and the Web for taking down the evil empire of Big Music. Great job, ya’ll.

Playboy Enterprises Inc (PLA) playboy-logo-small

All guys have a special place in their heart for Hugh Hefner and Playboy but there may be a possibility that the once greatest adult entertainment company in the world could be done. Online porn has wiped out most of the big adult companies and will continue to do so unless the bigger companies can give the fans of that industry something worth their while that doesn’t cost $40. Charging that dough for DVD’s is ridiculous when the rest of the porn these people are watching online is free. Reconsider your business plan, Hugh.

Blockbuster Inc (BBI) blockbuster-logo-small

I might have mentioned before that it seems everyone has put a Stopbuster to their Blockbuster. Remember when it was always a Blockbuster night? I would hit up Blockbuster myself every Saturday night for a movie until I realized my wallet was empty every time I left with a new movie. I started realizing the mom and pop shop down the street was giving you a day less for half the price so you know what I did. Then, Netflix came along and the rest is history.

BADGER VS WOLVERINE

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: BADGER VS WOLVERINE

I thought it’d be a good Battle of the Beasts to pit two mascots of two very recognized universities against one another. In honor of the Wisconsin Badgers and Michigan Wolverines, this one’s for you!

“Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” – UHF

badger-pissed-off

BADGER (Taxidea taxus-American badger)

SIZE: 2-2.5 FT  9-16 LBS

Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the badger, ferret and wolverine too because they’re all part of the same family, Mustelidae. Known throughout the world for their incredible ferocity, this family of intense mammals is NOT to be messed with. Ferrets and weasels don’t tend to have the attitude problems of their cousin, the badger but screwing with any member of this family would probably serve you wrong.

The American badger can be found in the central and western parts of our country and throughout all of central and southwestern Canada and British Columbia. They can also be found in Mexico where the locals call them “tejon”. Their colorings are usually of the black, gray and white blend, some more colorful then others.

In regards to eating, the badger likes to prey on the little mammals that it lives with such as gophers, ground squirrels, deer mice, various rat species, voles, prairie dogs, marmots, lizards, snakes, amphibians and even birds. THE BADGER LIKES TO EAT!!! Basically, the badger was built with an enormous pair of front claws, enabling it burrow for food. Here’s the coolest fact of all: Badgers and coyotes have formed a hunting team in the wild, the coyote chasing quicker mammals above ground and then allowing the badger to dig them out when they retreat underground. It is a perfectly precise operation that leaves their prey no room to live. Nice teamwork, guys.

For those of you that don’t already know, badgers are absolutely livid in the wild when approached. They back down from NOTHING, including much larger mammals such as wolves and bears. Should you find this hard to believe, you’re free to test a wild badger if you can find one. But if you’ve ever heard stories about the badgers and their steaming temper, well, it’s as true as can be. 

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!

wolverine-eating-bird

WOLVERINE (Gulo gulo)

SIZE: 2-3 FT  20-60 LBS

Although you may be thinking X-Men here, we’re discussing the real live actual living wolverine, not Wolverine, the super hero with the metal claws. No, this is the real deal here, folks. The wolverine does live amongst you, although they tend to liken themselves to isolated and colder northern regions of the United States, Canada, Russia, China and Mongolia. So, fortunately for us, if you don’t like the cold too much, you probably won’t ever have to encounter a wolverine.

Sadly, these mean little guys are very sought out for their fur because, unlike many animals, a wolverine’s coat is damn near water resistant, meaning it can fend off frost very well. Unfortunately, hunters know this and target them because, as you know, hunters are a bunch of greedy pricks.

Now check this out: wolverines have a molar tooth at the back of the mouth that is rotated 90 degrees toward the inside of their mouth! This helps them tear chunks of meat off of carrion that might be frozen solid and it also allows them to crush bones where they can feed on the marrow. YUMMY!

Now on to the fun part: Wolverine and humans. While wolverines haven’t been recorded to kill a person, they are M-E-A-N. And ferocious. And mean. And even more ferocious. This is an animal known to adamantly defend its kill against the likes of bears, wolves and cougars. Also. wolverines have been known to have the balls to try to steal a kill from a bear but unfortunately this usually will result in a wolverine’s death. Sure, wolverines are nasty but a bear is just as nasty and a whole lot bigger.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…At the same size, this is a good match. Badgers have a powerful set of claws and big teeth but wolverines are immensely powerful and brutal, their willingness to defend their kill or steal a kill from much larger animals being something to take notice in. In a battle to the death, the wolverine outlasts the badger but unfortunately crawls away and lays down to die. 

WOLVERINE WINS…BUT DIES

wolverine

STOP…PANICKING AND BUY!

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

Well, Friday marked the first two week stretch in the last year where the stock market put up gains rather than the atrocious and mind boggling losses constantly coming out week after week. So, at least for this one moment, let’s give a hand to the market for finally managing some positive gains…FINALLY!

standing-ovation

However, let’s be honest: DO WE BELIEVE? Are we really supposed to think the market is on a comeback? Should we truly believe that the bears have been scared away and are plodding off to hibernation?

bear-hibernating

In short, probably not. Those bears will probably return and the bulls may not have the energy to fight them off yet again. However, don’t think the bears will last too much longer. 2009 could be their final hurrah before the bulls start kicking some ass and sending the bears back into hibernation for good.

bulls-running

That being said, we’re still sitting 200 points above 7000 and that isn’t great proof that the market has changed for the better. That the market had been down to the 6500 range says something about investors’ resiliency but it’s also says even more about their volatility. The question is who really started this volatile equity market that currently hovers over us in the form of a dark, almost black cloud dropping more and more rain with the occasional burst of sunshine?

dark-cloud

The answer is who knows and who cares? Just tell yourself it’s the government and it will prevent you from trying to discover an answer that just doesn’t exits. At least the government is a good answer and one everyone can relate to, right? So stick with that one. Also, watch what the hell is going on around you.

Are their people still fighting through traffic inside your local Apple Store?

apple-store-vancouver

Still people in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru?

mcdonalds-drive-thru

Are people still throwing them back (drinking beer for you squares)?

girl-drinks-from-tits1

Are people still doing it (aka screwing, fucking, sexual intercourse for you squares)?

sexual-intercourse-diamgram

Are people still smoking like chimneys?

smoking-500-cigs

If you’re still seeing these things in your daily life then worry shouldn’t be too much of a concern. When every McDonald’s is gone, you can start to worry because chances are teh world will be falling into the ocean soon after that. But, until that apocalyptic day, start considering stocks of this nature to buy and hold for the future. After all, people are people. And don’t you ever forget that.

apple-logo

APPLE INC (AAPL)

iLike your iPod, iBaby. How about we iGo to my iPad and so I can show you my iMac and we can do our iThing like iPeople should be iDoing? Get it? I don’t either.

mcdonalds1

McDONALD’S (MCD)

I’m lovin’ it, you’re lovin’ it, everyone’s lovin’ it. Any questions?

diageo

DIAGEO (DEO)

Crown Royal. Guiness Stout. Smirnoff vodka. Johnnie Walker. Captain Morgan. Jose Cuervo. Bailey’s Original Irish Cream. Tanqueray gin. And money. Diageo owns lots and lots of money.

church-dwight1

CHURCH & DWIGHT CO. (CHD)

Arm & Hammer. Orange Glo. Brillo. OxiClean.Orajel. Arrid (a home pregnancy test). And, of course, the celebrity of condoms, Trojan. People do a lot of screwing here in the states and people buy a lot of condoms. Trojan is a real warrior.

phillip-morris-usa

ALTRIA GROUP (MO)

Altria Group is Philip Morris and vice versa. Altria Group owns 100% of Philip Morris. That means Altria owns 100% of Philip and all of Philip’s shit. Smokers are still smoking. You figure it out.

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: CATS!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

*People love dogs and cats the world over. I’d say, overall, dogs are ahead as far as lovable pets go but that doesn’t mean that cats are far behind. However, out in the wild, there are WAY more cats than dogs and wild cats, otherwise known as big cats, make wild dogs look like house cats. They’re pretty damn cool though, whether they’re huge or just a bit bigger than domestic cats. I think I owe it to you all to list some of the more dangerous and deadly big cats across the globe.

So, in honor of those dangerous, furry, cuddly cats, a list…

jaguar-kills-caiman

JAGUAR (Panthera onca)

SIZE: 5-6 FT  125-300LBS

The Jaguar (and we ain’t talking cars here, folks) can call the lion, tiger and leopard family. Not only is it the third largest cat in the world, it’s the biggest in the New World otherwise known as the Western Hemisphere (big cats in Africa, Asia and India are considered part of the Old World).

And check this out: jaguars tend to get bigger the further south you go. That means, stay out of South America, especially places like Argentina and Uruguay probably wouldn’t be nice places to go prancing around in the rain forest. You wouldn’t want to meet a jaguar either because, pound for pound, it’s got the most powerful bite of the family. Fortunately for you, jaguars rarely attack humans.

What it does attack is pretty damn impressive, however. In the picture above, he’s got a tasty caiman (a South American crocodile relative) in his mouth meaning he can kick some major ass. In addition to caimans, jaguars will kill capybaras (largest rodents in the world), deer, tapirs (one of the weirdest looking mammals in the world), turtles, mice, birds, frogs, dogs, peccaries (a kind of pig), dogs, foxes, monkeys, and, my favorite one of all, anacondas. 

Anything that can hunt an anacanda is a gangsta. Period. End of discussion.

leopard-with-kill

LEOPARD (Panthera pardus)

SIZE: 3-6FT  80-200LBS

The leopard is the baby of the family, being that it’s the smallest. This doesn’t give you a pass to provoke the thing but I’m just stating the facts here. There’s not too many of these around because we keep murdering them as always but they’re primarily in Africa but some leopard species still call parts of Asia, India and Pakistan home.

While you may think leopards look like jaguars and vice versa, the rosette patterns on the leopard lack the inside patterns the jaguar possesses. Remember that and also that it’s smaller. Another thing to know: the mystical “black panther” is really a melanistic leopard or jaguar, not a panther (aka mountain lion, cougar)).

On to the fun part: what they eat. Leopards don’t have quite the magnitude of their bigger family members but it makes up for it in other ways. It will prey upon a variety of different creatures big and small including ungulates (hoofed mammals), rodents, monkeys, fish and reptiles. The key difference here is that a jaguar, unlike any other cat in the fam, can drag prey up to three times its own body weight up a tree.

When it comes to us, leopards will try to avoid humans. However, they’ve been known to be vicious hunters of man in the past. The legendary Indian leopard, Leopard of Penar, was said to have killed over 400 men. There have been other stories of leopards killing over 100 people. Not good, says I.

cougarmntn-lion

MOUNTAIN LION/COUGAR/PUMA (Puma concolor)

SIZE: 5-9FT (head to tail) 115-160LBS

The mountain lion is not a true lion but whoever saw it first thought it looked pretty damn close to a lioness and accordingly named it “lion of the mountain”. A lot of people think cougars and pumas are a different animal than the mountain lion but these people are wrong. All three are one in the same but the cat was lucky enough to get three cool sounding names. At least, I dig them all.

If you want to know how adaptable these guys are, they’ve got the largest geographical range of ANY land animal in the entire Americas. Talk about flexibility, a mountain lion lives in any environment from dense brushes to mountains and deserts. Funny thing is, cougars get smaller near the equator and larger at the poles. Weird, huh?

As the fourth largest cat in the world, pumas eat a very wide range of things, with its most important prey being deer, at least for the majority of the ones in North America. Their South American counterparts tend to drift towards rodents and other smaller sized mammals. But, again, being the flexible cats that they are, mountain lions will eat just about anything it can catch. 

Like most attacks from big cats, cougar attacks on humans is a rare occurrence. However, the more we take over their habitat, the more they want to bite us. Do you blame them? Check it: between 1890-1990 there were 53 mountain lion attacks. From 1990-2004 there were 35. Big, big, BIG difference. We’re to blame. As always. Just don’t take your kids hunting in puma territory. Just about every attack on children turns out to be fatal. But I’d imagine you, as the parent, would be liable for that.

lion-carrying-impala1

LION (Panthera leo)

SIZE: 5 1/2-8FT 330-550LBS

Ah, the mighty king of the jungle. He of the Lion King, one of Disney’s greatest masterpieces of all time. Lions are one of the most beloved creatures on earth, adored by the masses all over the planet. It’s interesting how such a murderous cat can be so loved but hey, that’s people.

The majority of lions inhabit Africa but some still patrol parts of India but they’re called Asiatic lions, different from the lions we all know and love, the African lion. Interestingly, lions are one of the only social group of cats and of course, unique in that the lionesses (females) do the hunting while the king of the jungle lays back and chills. And he still gets first on the grub.

Although lions can run up to 40mph, they can only do so for a short amount of time because their stamina is very, very low. This may also be a reason they hunt in packs, to give them a better chance at a kill. However, in the eating world, lions got tons of range, BIG RANGE. As in, they devour BIG animals. Overall, the wildebeest is one of the most sought after meals for the lion but they can take down anything such as antelopes, zebras, buffalo, giraffes and yes, even elephants. In fact, there’s a group of lions that primarily prey on elephants, taking them out at night when the big beasts’ vision is terrible. And yet another group of lions along the coast feed exclusively on seals. Yep, lions don’t screw around when it comes to eating.

Well, well, well, Mr. Lion, do you like to eat people? Why, yes he does! Not that lions purposely hunt humans, although there have been some rare cases (The Ghost and the Darkness is a movie based on two lions of this nature) but since people seem to venture closer and closer to lions, there seems to be more and more cases of lions eating them. Some researchers report that lions kill over 200 Tanzanians a year and from 1990-2005, at least 563 villagers were attacked, many eaten, around Tanzania. There’s a lesson to be learned from these facts:

DON’T GO TO AFRICA

bengal-tiger

TIGER (Panthera tigris)

SIZE: 7-10FT  400-700LBS

Funny how the final two big cats aren’t only the most popular but the biggest and the baddest, the tiger being the largest of the cat family by a fairly wide margin. At least, the Siberian tiger (largest cat in the world) can claim this since it is the largest and the heaviest.

There are only about 4000 of these huge cats left in the wild where they only call the continent of Asia their hometown. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: tiger stripes are as distinct on tigers as fingerprints are to humans, creating a much easier way for scientists and researchers to track the striped felines.

Though it may be heavier and bigger than its cousin, the African lion, tigers usually will prey on animals smaller than what lions are accustomed to. This isn’t to say that tiger prey is small, however. It’s got a wide range of creatures it eats including antelopes, guar (large wild cattle), deer, boar, but more impressive are the pythons, leopards, sloth bears and crocodiles it occasionally finds appetizing. Once you’ve claimed pythons, leopards, bears and crocodiles as food, you’re absolutely not be to screwed with. EVER.

Well, there’s a reason I got the tiger down here. It’s because, over history, the tiger has killed more humans than any other big cat but it’s more due to increasing population than a thirst for the flesh of homo sapiens. A particular location of India called the Sundarbans mangrove swamps, tiger attacks have increased so much that villagers wear masks on the back of their heads when moving through the mangroves because tigers generally attack from behind and tend to not do so when faced. Another lesson here:

DON’T GO TO INDIAN MANGROVE SWAMPS