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BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: BADGER VS WOLVERINE

I thought it’d be a good Battle of the Beasts to pit two mascots of two very recognized universities against one another. In honor of the Wisconsin Badgers and Michigan Wolverines, this one’s for you!

“Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers.” – UHF

BADGER (Taxidea taxus-American badger)

SIZE: 2-2.5 FT  9-16 LBS

Pop goes the weasel! Pop goes the badger, ferret and wolverine too because they’re all part of the same family, Mustelidae. Known throughout the world for their incredible ferocity, this family of intense mammals is NOT to be messed with. Ferrets and weasels don’t tend to have the attitude problems of their cousin, the badger but screwing with any member of this family would probably serve you wrong.

The American badger can be found in the central and western parts of our country and throughout all of central and southwestern Canada and British Columbia. They can also be found in Mexico where the locals call them “tejon”. Their colorings are usually of the black, gray and white blend, some more colorful then others.

In regards to eating, the badger likes to prey on the little mammals that it lives with such as gophers, ground squirrels, deer mice, various rat species, voles, prairie dogs, marmots, lizards, snakes, amphibians and even birds. THE BADGER LIKES TO EAT!!! Basically, the badger was built with an enormous pair of front claws, enabling it burrow for food. Here’s the coolest fact of all: Badgers and coyotes have formed a hunting team in the wild, the coyote chasing quicker mammals above ground and then allowing the badger to dig them out when they retreat underground. It is a perfectly precise operation that leaves their prey no room to live. Nice teamwork, guys.

For those of you that don’t already know, badgers are absolutely livid in the wild when approached. They back down from NOTHING, including much larger mammals such as wolves and bears. Should you find this hard to believe, you’re free to test a wild badger if you can find one. But if you’ve ever heard stories about the badgers and their steaming temper, well, it’s as true as can be. 

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ BADGERS!

WOLVERINE (Gulo gulo)

SIZE: 2-3 FT  20-60 LBS

Although you may be thinking X-Men here, we’re discussing the real live actual living wolverine, not Wolverine, the super hero with the metal claws. No, this is the real deal here, folks. The wolverine does live amongst you, although they tend to liken themselves to isolated and colder northern regions of the United States, Canada, Russia, China and Mongolia. So, fortunately for us, if you don’t like the cold too much, you probably won’t ever have to encounter a wolverine.

Sadly, these mean little guys are very sought out for their fur because, unlike many animals, a wolverine’s coat is damn near water resistant, meaning it can fend off frost very well. Unfortunately, hunters know this and target them because, as you know, hunters are a bunch of greedy pricks.

Now check this out: wolverines have a molar tooth at the back of the mouth that is rotated 90 degrees toward the inside of their mouth! This helps them tear chunks of meat off of carrion that might be frozen solid and it also allows them to crush bones where they can feed on the marrow. YUMMY!

Now on to the fun part: Wolverine and humans. While wolverines haven’t been recorded to kill a person, they are M-E-A-N. And ferocious. And mean. And even more ferocious. This is an animal known to adamantly defend its kill against the likes of bears, wolves and cougars. Also. wolverines have been known to have the balls to try to steal a kill from a bear but unfortunately this usually will result in a wolverine’s death. Sure, wolverines are nasty but a bear is just as nasty and a whole lot bigger.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…At the same size, this is a good match. Badgers have a powerful set of claws and big teeth but wolverines are immensely powerful and brutal, their willingness to defend their kill or steal a kill from much larger animals being something to take notice in. In a battle to the death, the wolverine outlasts the badger but unfortunately crawls away and lays down to die. 

WOLVERINE WINS…BUT DIES

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