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MICHAEL JACKSON PLEASE R.I.P – HIS BEST WORK

Friday, June 26th, 2009

What a sad friggin’ day. The King of Pop dies. Michael Jackson, you were the best pop music ever had. ‘Nuff said.

An ode to some of his best

off-the-wall

Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough – Smooth, slick 7o’s disco love song but not what you were expecting. 5th solo album for Mike, 1st as an adult and the one before the greatest album of all time, Thriller.

Off the Wall – Not to be missed, Off the Wall, the title track for this album, was off the hook for a 70′s song, a composition that kind of helped bring the new style of 80′s music along although it was the late 70′s. This one is still played on Top 40 radio across the world.

thriller

Billie Jean – If Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough was Mike’s gentleman song, this was his pimp song. This was Michael at his coolest, dancing and lighting up the sidewalk. Also, this song is remembered for the introduction of the moon walk.

Beat it – While Black or White had an actual rap in it, Beat it was much more hip hop than anything MJ ever did. In fact, you could take out Michael’s vocals and use this beat for a rap song. Wouldn’t want to see it happen but it’s true. This one definitely kicks ass.

bad1

Smooth Criminal – Mike’s attempt to play an old gangster actually works! Awesome beat, awesome singing style and delivery in this song which says a lo since all he talks about is some girl named Annie who nobody knows about unless they saw the movie version of the Bad album, Moonwalker.

Man in the Mirror - Great song with a great message, a look into how Michael felt about himself as a whole and what made him give so much dough to the rest of the world. The gospel choir for backround vocals kicks major ass here.

dangerous

Who is it? – I only put this one on here for underrated purposes since no one seems to ever mention it. It’s almost a little hip hop, something he tried out with another track on Dangerous, Black or White. But Who is it? is a cool trip into Jacko’s musical abilities.

Jam – Another underrated tune, maybe because it was on Dangerous, not one of his most critically acclaimed albums. It doesn’t matter because this another song where Michael changes up his delivery a little and goes fast. Also, music video has another superstar MJ, Michael Jordan.

In conclusion, it’s honestly an honor to have listened and grown up seeing the greatest musical performer of all time constantly churn out good hits. Pop music sucks and hasn’t been quite the same since he ran into personal problems. You’ll be missed, Michael Jackson, but heaven awaits and I’m sure you’ll have plenty of great company up there from the music world.

STOP! IT’S DANGEROUS

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

DANGEROUS ANIMALS OF THE UNITED STATES

bark-scorpion

BARK SCORPION

Yes, indeed this gnarly little critter dwells in our states but only you Southwestern residents need to worry about this poisonous bugger stinging you. While one of the most venomous scorpions in the world, there have only been two fatalities from bark scorpion stings since 1968. However, that doesn’t mean you should be a damn moron and go looking for one. If you happen to pick it up and get stung, tough luck, douchebag.

brown-recluse

RECLUSE SPIDER

Disgusting. Filthy. Rotten. Frightening. Poisonous. REALLY POISONOUS. The picture on the right shows the results of an untreated brown recluse spider, also known as a recluse or fiddleback spider. Wouldn’t want a bite like that on my leg. Not on my arm. And especially not down in my trousers.

moose

MOOSE

Look at those antlers, boy! Yep, Bullwinkle ain’t so nice after all. Moose, sometimes standing over 7 feet at the shoulder, are one tough beast. Poisonous? No. Dangerous? HELL YEAH. Bull mooses DO NOT like humans. Not one bit. If a female moose has a calf with her, it will destroy you before you even know what hit you. During the fall mating season, bull mooses will attack ANYTHING male that they feel is a threat to their females. Check this out: some bull mooses have even been known to attack Locomotives. That’s dangerous!

raccoon

RACOON

Such a cute. lovable animal, those fun, pesky racoons, ain’t they? Well, yeah, if you take out the fact that racoons are one of the most prolific carriers of rabies, a form of rabies that can really pack a punch if bitten. Sure they’re cute. Sure they’re interesting. But they’re dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Not because they want to bite you and not because they will bite you. But, if they do bite you, you could be screwed. And you’ll definitely be visiting the hospital.

coral-snake

CORAL SNAKE

Pretty snake, huh? Yeah, pretty to look at it and that’s about it. Second most venomous snake behind some of our more well known rattlesnake species (Western Diamondback, Eastern Diamondback, Mojave), the coral snake is much less aggressive but still not a snake you’d want to be handling any time soon. What’s worse, if a coral snake should happen to bite you, it may not even be painful, however, once you start experience breathing difficulties and a drooping eyelid (psosis) you’ll know you’ve been bitten by the beautiful, colorful creature called the coral snake.

DEADLY ANIMALS: PARASITES!

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Today’s edition is a nasty one, a filthy one and a scary one all rolled into one. Parasites, and we’re not talking your relatives or that leech of a friend who’s always living off your crumbs. Nope. Today, we discuss the Real McCoy, something you may not be able to handle. Read at your own discretion.

WARNING: YOU MAY FIND SOME OF THE IMAGES VERY DISTURBING

Damn I love writing that!

tapeworm-out-of-butt

TAPEWORM (Class: Cestoda)

I used the image above because it perfectly captured the horror of the tapeworm. And yes, it will come out of your butt, someone else’s butt, or another animal’s butt should it feel like it wants to come out. See, the tapeworm likes the intestines, something us humans don’t quite care for. Making matters even more appetizing, beef tapeworms can get up to 4o feet long (that’s not a typo) and other species of tapeworm have been known to reach 100 feet (also not a typo). The most disgusting part? Many people don’t even know they’re infected by the tapeworm until segments of its body come out when you take a crap. Sometimes, because these worms move around so much in your intestines, they can be seen writhing around in a person’s underwear. In fact, it’s been recorded during parts of history that people would purposely ingest a tapeworm to help them lose weight. PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUKE. THANK YOU.

elephantiasis-of-the-balls

ROUNDWORM (Phylum: Nematoda)

Well, that picture above must be one of those special times when size does matter, although bigger probably isn’t better this time. The disease (a nasty one) is called elephantiasis, a condition that involves the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. It’s caused by a few species of roundworm that are transmitted into their victims through mosquitos. So, not only is this little parasite a mean bastard, it also hitches itself on to another contaminated little creature that we don’t like. They’re like the animal kingdom’s evil twosome. Also, something else to take not of: There are over 80000 species of roundworm, 15000 of which are parasitic. YIKES.

tick-bite-infected

TICK (Arachnids Order: Ixodida)

The infamous tick is our little Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever carrying friend that can make our lives a living hell. Most common are the dog ticks, probably the one tick you’ve seen in your life, possibly on your dog, your cat or maybe even yourself. Hell, I had a tick on my neck when I was about ten years old after my buddy and I were playing in the woods behind his house. It sucked but it sure felt good when my friend’s mom burned that bloated little bastard off my neck with a match. I looked at it dying on the ground and stomped it, sending it to tick hell. There’s ticks all over the world and unfortunately, our American tick species, the dog tick, the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick are all potentially dangerous for spreading diseases, so, in short, WATCH OUT!!!


CAPE BUFFALO VS HIPPOPOTAMUS

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: CAPE BUFFALO VS HIPPOPOTAMUS

cape-buffalo

CAPE BUFFALO (Syncerus caffer)

SIZE: 8-10 FT  900-2000 LBS

Cape buffalo aren’t as docile as one may think, being that they’re bovids (hoofed mammal) and therefore these massive grazers are natural herbivores. However, among the large amount of bovid species in the animal kingdom, cape buffalo are definitely one of the most successful. That can happen when you run in to herds of up to 1500 beasts all weighing in over 1000 pounds.

Want to know how tough these African buffalo are? When being attacked by adult lions, the herd will huddle close together to make it more difficult for hunters to pick off one member. Also, it’s one of the few herbivore herds that will retaliate when a member is attacked, known to aggressively go after lions after one of their own is killed. In fact, it’s been recorded that buffalo herds have kept lions in trees for up to two hours following an attack on their herd, proving they back down from no animal and definitely no man.

Speaking of man, it brings up the next little curiosity: How dangerous are cape buffalo to us? The answer in two words: VERY DANGEROUS. Considered one of Africa’s “Black Five” (aka “big 5″) for killing the most people per year, buffalo are known to be super aggressive and unhappy with humans. In fact, they’re known as the most dangerous animal to hunt in Africa according to big game hunters. Apparently, when a buffalo is being hunted or even senses it, it will not shy away but rather pursue and ambush hunters, bulling them over and goring them to death.

DON’T HUNT THE CAPE BUFFALO AND YOU WON’T DIE

hippopotamus_001

HIPPOPOTAMUS (Hippopotamus amphibius)

SIZE: 11 FT  3000-4000 LBS

Quick: What’s eleven feet long, four thousand pounds and can run faster than an Olympic sprinter in short distance? Thinking hard? Given up yet? Believe it or not, it’s a hippo. Yep, that fat, stubby, brown mass of blubber that does nothing but wallow in rivers of mud all day long. That’s the one. While this may be true, the hippo is not to be screwed with. 

Some interesting things about the hippopotamus you may not have known are quite fascinating. That color they get? Not just a phenomenon, my friends. Nope. They’ve got a natural skin ointment that they secrete to protect them from the baking African sun. In the meantime we still haven’t figured out the all day sun block that actually works without risk of skin cancer. Socially, hippos are part of a group of up to thirty hippos called a pod or herd that is lead by a dominant bull male. It’s funny that there are sometimes other males in the pods called bachelors that aren’t bulls because they let the dominant male run them. This also happens with people. Funny shit.

Notoriously recognized as one of the most ferocious animals in Africa, I’ve personally heard the “most deadly” moniker put with the hippo the most. While I’m no expert, my biggest stamp of approval came from Steve Irwin, the deceased Crocodile Hunter who claimed that moving along an African river in a canoe at night was by far the most frightening experience of his life. That should give you a good example of the danger a hippopotamus can present. Need more evidence? Hippos are very hostile toward two things in particular: crocodiles and boats. Any animal that will lash out against a crocodile and a damn boat is what I term unfuckwittable. Feel free to use that word should you the occasion arise.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…We’ll imagine a Shaq version of the cape buffalo arrived on the scene to square off against the hippo down at the water hole. While the buffalo has immense power and speed and set of horns that can gore and stab, the hippo is able to run just as fast, can utilize the water and can open it’s mouth almost wide enough to bite the buffalo in half. The buffalo bulls toward the hippo who stands its ground and chomps a huge hole into the buffalo’s side, sending its bloody carcass down the river as a gift for his crocodile enemies.

HIPPOPOTAMUS WINS!

hippo-mouth

*my name is HIPPOPOTAMUS and I think it’s time you recognized

TIGER SHARK VS GREAT WHITE

Monday, March 9th, 2009

BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: TIGER SHARK VS GREAT WHITE SHARK

I’ve been waiting on this one since Battle of the Beasts began. I also feel these are just going to keep getting better.

tiger-shark-eating-whale

TIGER SHARK (Galeocerdo cuvier)

SIZE: 11-14 FT  850-2000LB

This ain’t your father’s tiger. Coined “the wastebasket of the sea”, the tiger shark will eat, well, anything that looks appetizing which is really just about anything from license plates to bicycle tires. Normally, however, it dines on turtles, seals, smaller sharks, fish, birds, squid and dolphins. Yes, this fish finds Echo the Dolphin quite tasty.

As you can by the stripes on its body that’s where the tiger shark gets its name. It’s also one of the five most dangerous sharks to humans along with the bull, oceanic whitetip, mako and great white. I chose the tiger because it’s the second largest of the man eaters behind the famous great white. By the way, the reason the tiger shark is so dangerous to humans is its extremely aggressive nature connected with the fact that it frequents really populated waters, Hawaii in particular.

DON’T GO FOR A SWIM IN HAWAII!!!

The tiger sharks family members are the lemon, blue and bull sharks, the bull being the only only member of the family that likes to attack us without much remorse. Most of this has to do with the fact that both members of the family like to swim in shallow water.  

DON’T SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER EITHER

Here’s a pretty shocking piece of news I read online: largest tiger shark ever caught on record was 23 feet long and over 3000 pounds. Holy shit.

great-white-diver

*this man can never be called a wuss ever again

GREAT WHITE SHARK (Carcharodon carcharias)

SIZE: 13-16 FT  1500-2500LB

Remember that part in Pulp Fiction at the end where Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) has a gun on Tim Roth underneath the table and tells him to get out the wallet that has “BAD MOTHERFUCKER” on it? That wallet belongs to this shark.

Known the world over as the most dangerous shark, what’s more important is that it actually is the most dangerous, most deadly shark to prowl the planet’s waters. But, unlike the tiger shark, the great white is all alone. Why? Because it is the last remaining species left in its genus, Carcharodon. Though it may be a loner in genus, it’s got a few family members to look to in case it ever gets lonely in the mako sharks, salmon shark and a European shark called the porbeagle, a rare shark close to extinction.

It’s no surprise that Mr. White doesn’t fool a round when it comes to his waters. Trespass and you may not live. Either way, you’re bound to get bit, whether it’s just your leg that gets taken or your whole life. Scary part about great whites is they’re one of the few sharks that have been discovered all over the world. So don’t think you’re safe. ANYWHERE. 

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…After circling each other for a few minutes, the tiger shark launches into an aggressive attack mode but the heavier great white shoves him off and descends to the bottom of the ocean where he returns only a few seconds later with a fatal blow from below, its body forming a torpedo with hundreds of teeth that undoes the tiger shark once and for all.

GREAT WHITE SHARK WINS!

great-white-wins

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: CATS!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

*People love dogs and cats the world over. I’d say, overall, dogs are ahead as far as lovable pets go but that doesn’t mean that cats are far behind. However, out in the wild, there are WAY more cats than dogs and wild cats, otherwise known as big cats, make wild dogs look like house cats. They’re pretty damn cool though, whether they’re huge or just a bit bigger than domestic cats. I think I owe it to you all to list some of the more dangerous and deadly big cats across the globe.

So, in honor of those dangerous, furry, cuddly cats, a list…

jaguar-kills-caiman

JAGUAR (Panthera onca)

SIZE: 5-6 FT  125-300LBS

The Jaguar (and we ain’t talking cars here, folks) can call the lion, tiger and leopard family. Not only is it the third largest cat in the world, it’s the biggest in the New World otherwise known as the Western Hemisphere (big cats in Africa, Asia and India are considered part of the Old World).

And check this out: jaguars tend to get bigger the further south you go. That means, stay out of South America, especially places like Argentina and Uruguay probably wouldn’t be nice places to go prancing around in the rain forest. You wouldn’t want to meet a jaguar either because, pound for pound, it’s got the most powerful bite of the family. Fortunately for you, jaguars rarely attack humans.

What it does attack is pretty damn impressive, however. In the picture above, he’s got a tasty caiman (a South American crocodile relative) in his mouth meaning he can kick some major ass. In addition to caimans, jaguars will kill capybaras (largest rodents in the world), deer, tapirs (one of the weirdest looking mammals in the world), turtles, mice, birds, frogs, dogs, peccaries (a kind of pig), dogs, foxes, monkeys, and, my favorite one of all, anacondas. 

Anything that can hunt an anacanda is a gangsta. Period. End of discussion.

leopard-with-kill

LEOPARD (Panthera pardus)

SIZE: 3-6FT  80-200LBS

The leopard is the baby of the family, being that it’s the smallest. This doesn’t give you a pass to provoke the thing but I’m just stating the facts here. There’s not too many of these around because we keep murdering them as always but they’re primarily in Africa but some leopard species still call parts of Asia, India and Pakistan home.

While you may think leopards look like jaguars and vice versa, the rosette patterns on the leopard lack the inside patterns the jaguar possesses. Remember that and also that it’s smaller. Another thing to know: the mystical “black panther” is really a melanistic leopard or jaguar, not a panther (aka mountain lion, cougar)).

On to the fun part: what they eat. Leopards don’t have quite the magnitude of their bigger family members but it makes up for it in other ways. It will prey upon a variety of different creatures big and small including ungulates (hoofed mammals), rodents, monkeys, fish and reptiles. The key difference here is that a jaguar, unlike any other cat in the fam, can drag prey up to three times its own body weight up a tree.

When it comes to us, leopards will try to avoid humans. However, they’ve been known to be vicious hunters of man in the past. The legendary Indian leopard, Leopard of Penar, was said to have killed over 400 men. There have been other stories of leopards killing over 100 people. Not good, says I.

cougarmntn-lion

MOUNTAIN LION/COUGAR/PUMA (Puma concolor)

SIZE: 5-9FT (head to tail) 115-160LBS

The mountain lion is not a true lion but whoever saw it first thought it looked pretty damn close to a lioness and accordingly named it “lion of the mountain”. A lot of people think cougars and pumas are a different animal than the mountain lion but these people are wrong. All three are one in the same but the cat was lucky enough to get three cool sounding names. At least, I dig them all.

If you want to know how adaptable these guys are, they’ve got the largest geographical range of ANY land animal in the entire Americas. Talk about flexibility, a mountain lion lives in any environment from dense brushes to mountains and deserts. Funny thing is, cougars get smaller near the equator and larger at the poles. Weird, huh?

As the fourth largest cat in the world, pumas eat a very wide range of things, with its most important prey being deer, at least for the majority of the ones in North America. Their South American counterparts tend to drift towards rodents and other smaller sized mammals. But, again, being the flexible cats that they are, mountain lions will eat just about anything it can catch. 

Like most attacks from big cats, cougar attacks on humans is a rare occurrence. However, the more we take over their habitat, the more they want to bite us. Do you blame them? Check it: between 1890-1990 there were 53 mountain lion attacks. From 1990-2004 there were 35. Big, big, BIG difference. We’re to blame. As always. Just don’t take your kids hunting in puma territory. Just about every attack on children turns out to be fatal. But I’d imagine you, as the parent, would be liable for that.

lion-carrying-impala1

LION (Panthera leo)

SIZE: 5 1/2-8FT 330-550LBS

Ah, the mighty king of the jungle. He of the Lion King, one of Disney’s greatest masterpieces of all time. Lions are one of the most beloved creatures on earth, adored by the masses all over the planet. It’s interesting how such a murderous cat can be so loved but hey, that’s people.

The majority of lions inhabit Africa but some still patrol parts of India but they’re called Asiatic lions, different from the lions we all know and love, the African lion. Interestingly, lions are one of the only social group of cats and of course, unique in that the lionesses (females) do the hunting while the king of the jungle lays back and chills. And he still gets first on the grub.

Although lions can run up to 40mph, they can only do so for a short amount of time because their stamina is very, very low. This may also be a reason they hunt in packs, to give them a better chance at a kill. However, in the eating world, lions got tons of range, BIG RANGE. As in, they devour BIG animals. Overall, the wildebeest is one of the most sought after meals for the lion but they can take down anything such as antelopes, zebras, buffalo, giraffes and yes, even elephants. In fact, there’s a group of lions that primarily prey on elephants, taking them out at night when the big beasts’ vision is terrible. And yet another group of lions along the coast feed exclusively on seals. Yep, lions don’t screw around when it comes to eating.

Well, well, well, Mr. Lion, do you like to eat people? Why, yes he does! Not that lions purposely hunt humans, although there have been some rare cases (The Ghost and the Darkness is a movie based on two lions of this nature) but since people seem to venture closer and closer to lions, there seems to be more and more cases of lions eating them. Some researchers report that lions kill over 200 Tanzanians a year and from 1990-2005, at least 563 villagers were attacked, many eaten, around Tanzania. There’s a lesson to be learned from these facts:

DON’T GO TO AFRICA

bengal-tiger

TIGER (Panthera tigris)

SIZE: 7-10FT  400-700LBS

Funny how the final two big cats aren’t only the most popular but the biggest and the baddest, the tiger being the largest of the cat family by a fairly wide margin. At least, the Siberian tiger (largest cat in the world) can claim this since it is the largest and the heaviest.

There are only about 4000 of these huge cats left in the wild where they only call the continent of Asia their hometown. Here’s something you probably didn’t know: tiger stripes are as distinct on tigers as fingerprints are to humans, creating a much easier way for scientists and researchers to track the striped felines.

Though it may be heavier and bigger than its cousin, the African lion, tigers usually will prey on animals smaller than what lions are accustomed to. This isn’t to say that tiger prey is small, however. It’s got a wide range of creatures it eats including antelopes, guar (large wild cattle), deer, boar, but more impressive are the pythons, leopards, sloth bears and crocodiles it occasionally finds appetizing. Once you’ve claimed pythons, leopards, bears and crocodiles as food, you’re absolutely not be to screwed with. EVER.

Well, there’s a reason I got the tiger down here. It’s because, over history, the tiger has killed more humans than any other big cat but it’s more due to increasing population than a thirst for the flesh of homo sapiens. A particular location of India called the Sundarbans mangrove swamps, tiger attacks have increased so much that villagers wear masks on the back of their heads when moving through the mangroves because tigers generally attack from behind and tend to not do so when faced. Another lesson here:

DON’T GO TO INDIAN MANGROVE SWAMPS

DEADLY ANIMALS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT: SHARKS!

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

*Discovery’s got “Shark Week” and everybody knows what a shark is, looks like and does but do you really know sharks? Guess which shark kills the most? How about which one is the least picky eater? These things are fun to know, cool to know and even better to use on people to show how much you know!

So, in honor of those murderous fish with the razor sharp teeth, a list…

oceanic-whitetip-shark

OCEANIC WHITE TIP SHARK

Apparently, this bad boy seems to be a tad bit nasty toward humans because it’s got an incredibly powerful sense of smell amongst sharks which is basically saying these are the Kobe Bryant’s in the world of shark scent. However, even worse than that, this is considered the most common shark in the world, probably making it our most frequent visitor. I’ll pass on a trip to the beach today, thank you.

mako-shark

SHORTFIN MAKO SHARK

Looks nice, doesn’t it? Not only one of the fastest shark species, shortfin Mako sharks are also one of the few sharks where the female is bigger than the male. Go figure. As big as these guys look, they only average 5-8 feet in length but have been seen at 12 feet, making them that much scarier. Don’t forget this is a damn good fish to eat too should you ever see it on sale at the local market, pick it up, throw that bad boy on the grill and get ready for seafood heaven. Yes, it’s that good.

tiger-shark-eat-bird

TIGER SHARK

You have to admit that’s a cool picture, right? Also, at family reunions for sharks, this is the one nobody has to worry about feeding. Tiger sharks will eat ANYTHING. Aside from the usual fish and seafood, Tiger sharks have been found with the following in their stomachs: goat hooves, dog bones, tin cans, trash bags, license plates, batteries, bicycle tires and of course, human remains. Hey, at least they’re not prejudice in what they eat.

bull-shark

BULL SHARK

Here’s where me and the Discovery Channel disagree. They have the bull shark at #1, something I absolutely refused to do knowing the baddest son of a bitch shark on the planet should be there instead. But, being fair, bull sharks are extremely dangerous and very well known for attacking humans. What goes, Mr. Bull Shark? Basically, it’s quite simple. For one, bull sharks are the only known shark that can survive in freshwater, known for swimming up to 70 miles upstream. Another little element that makes them prone to attacking us: they can swim very effectively in shallow water, hence, many attacks close to shore. Just so you know, the way to avoid this would be to skip the beach.

great-white-mouth-open

GREAT WHITE SHARK

One of the biggest, baddest, scariest, deadliest and most dangerous animals on our planet Earth, the great white average lengths between 12-16 feet but there have been 21-23 footers recorded. You know, for me, I don’t even want to see a two footer. This is the number one killer among sharks as far as human death tallies go, however, very rarely does the great white attack a person on purpose. When swimming, we look like seals from underneath and our subject to attacks that way. Either way, it can often be a fatal blow or at least resulting in a severed limb and an unspeakable amount of stitches if you make it through. 

great-white-kayak1

*A few things to remember:

1. We kill thousands upon thousands more sharks than sharks kill humans but then again, violence seems to be the human way, no matter what the cost

2. If you really never want to get bitten by a shark…

DON’T SWIM IN THE OCEAN!!!

shark_attack