I have a good friend, bless her heart, that is terrified of snakes. T-E-R-R-F-I-E-D. It’s so bad, in fact, that when she comes over, my fiance and I can’t even watch a show on television with snakes or any reptile for that matter. The point I’m making? People are really scared shitless of reptiles so I figured it would be a good subject. Although I like reptiles, I understand why people wouldn’t like them.
So, for those scaly, beady-eyed reptilians, a list…
FER-DE-LANCE (Bothrops asper)
This is one of those snakes that is so feared that it’s known in the snake world as the “ultimate pitviper”, meaning that in a family of other really poisonous serpents, this is one of the worst. It’s known to kill the most people in Central and South America, luckily for us, the only part of the world it roams. By the way, you have a light stomach, you should skip the next few pictures.
DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURE BELOW.
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED TWICE NOW
SALTWATER CROCODILE (Crocodylus porosus)
For a reptile that lives over 50 or 60 years, this is one old bastard you do not want to be near. First off, it is ENORMOUS. Salties (the Australian term) can grow up to 23 feet long and weigh 3000 pounds. And don’t forget that evil grin filled with a bunch of gnarly teeth. Not only is it the largest and heaviest reptile on planet Earth, this bad boy and his family have been around so long, they used to eat with the dinosaurs. I’m glad these guys mostly confined to Australia, Papua New Guinea and parts of Southeast Asia. Watching them on television works just fine for me, thank you.
*this sign cracks me up
KOMODO DRAGON (Varanus komodoensis)
Thank heavens that the Komodo dragon only dwells on a few tiny islands around Indonesia because it is big, nasty and loves rotten meat. Most of the times, the dragon feeds on carrion (dead animals) but they’re known to prey on large mammals such as deer and boar with a stealth ambush, going right for the throat or underside of the animal. Far and away the biggest lizard in the word, it ranges being between 6-9 1/2 feet and up to 150 pounds. Their scariest attribute is the bacteria in their saliva that contains so many different kinds of deadly bacteria, including the one that causes sepsis, it’s best to just stay away from those small islands and stay away from Komodo dragons altogether.
It would be fun to have one of these in the backyard if you had the room. Imagine having company and inviting them to see your pet dragon. Of course, no one would ever believe you. But, once you took them out back, wouldn’t their reactions be great? I don’t know, just me thinking crazy, I guess.
*sometimes I think we’re sharing the planet with animals and not the other way around
ALLIGATOR SNAPPING TURTLE (Macrochelys temminckii)
Does it surprise you more that there’s a dangerous turtle in the United States or the fact that it can possibly bite your hand off? Quite possibly the ugliest living thing the planet has to offer, the alligator snapping turtle makes its home in the southeastern U.S. in the Mississippi River and all of its surrounding bodies of water. These turtles may not be long but they can weigh up to 200 pounds and have a nasty bite to back it up. Though they’re not deadly, should you be wading in the swamps of the south and bump into one of these, you could very well lose a few toes.