STOP…PANICKING AND BUY

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Rally on, Mr. Market, RALLY ON! Well, at least it was fun while it lasted. Three straight weeks of gains topped off with last Friday’s market losing 148 points or 1.87%. Not terrible since that damn thing kicked major ass last Monday, gaining 497 points or 6.8%. What’s that spell: V-O-L-A-T-I-L-E.

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But does the three week gain mean anything? How much it means is up to the guys who have their big degrees and big paychecks to claim they know the answers. Unfortunately for those geniuses, they still don’t know shit. Analysts, researchers, economists are very smart people. Very, very smart. But they don’t know more than you, they don’t know more than me and they don’t know what they think they know about the market. They’re just a bunch of dudes who know a lot of numbers and can write a good report on them. In short, they’re smart asses. 

smart-ass

*Another great picture. Whoever designed this is brilliant!

Statistically speaking, according to the majority of these experts, this recent bull rally is really just a “bear market rally”. So, going with that theory, this “bear market rally” should be ending very soon. Soon as in last Friday thus starting a brand new bear market tomorrow, on Monday. So, what’ll be? In honor of Saturday Night Live’s Super Fans, we must ask,  

“Are we taking da Bears or are we takin’ da Bulls?”

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Seems like an easy question these days. Everyone’s going nuts over what could be over 700,000 job cuts in the month of March when the jobs data gets released this Friday. If it’s worse than expected the Bears are attacking with machine guns. If it’s better than expected, the Bulls could hold their ground and reinforce their current attack with another missle rally upward. It could happen.

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Point is, something completely one-sided will take effect. Either the bears kick ass or the bulls. Trust me, either way, it won’t be an even week. Might not even be two or three. Something’s happening right now, on a Sunday night, all around the world that none of us little investors know about. But it’s a’happenin’. It’s a mystery as to what it is but it involves money and lots of it to be precise. 

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Anyhow, bear or bull, war or not, there’s stocks out there worth a good look. However, there’s many that aren’t. Here are a few I’ve noticed that just look bad. In short, they suck.

Warner Music Group (WMG) wmg-small-logo

It’s not WMG’s fault that music is officially dead from a corporate standpoint. If it was alive, Warner would be just fine. See, most artists got smart and are now taking the DIY (doing it yourself) directiont. Basically, artists have been completely cutting out the middleman (Warner, Universal, Sony) and making lots of dough doing it. Thank yourself, the artists and the Web for taking down the evil empire of Big Music. Great job, ya’ll.

Playboy Enterprises Inc (PLA) playboy-logo-small

All guys have a special place in their heart for Hugh Hefner and Playboy but there may be a possibility that the once greatest adult entertainment company in the world could be done. Online porn has wiped out most of the big adult companies and will continue to do so unless the bigger companies can give the fans of that industry something worth their while that doesn’t cost $40. Charging that dough for DVD’s is ridiculous when the rest of the porn these people are watching online is free. Reconsider your business plan, Hugh.

Blockbuster Inc (BBI) blockbuster-logo-small

I might have mentioned before that it seems everyone has put a Stopbuster to their Blockbuster. Remember when it was always a Blockbuster night? I would hit up Blockbuster myself every Saturday night for a movie until I realized my wallet was empty every time I left with a new movie. I started realizing the mom and pop shop down the street was giving you a day less for half the price so you know what I did. Then, Netflix came along and the rest is history.

STOP…SAYING THAT STUFF

Sunday, March 15th, 2009

Since nobody seems to be able to shut up about Chris Brown or Rihanna or both in the last month, I figured I’d do my own spin on the entire ordeal with an old quote from Brown that kind of made me chuckle. It’s fun going back and pulling quotes from a dude who’s in serious trouble with the American public because of allegedly beating the ever loving shit out of his girlfriend, Rihanna. Why he’d have to smash such a beautiful young woman’s face in like he seems to have from the looks of those pictures that were accidently released is beyond me but my belief is it has something to do with Chris Brown’s personal insecurities. When you’re pounding a girl like that, you’ve got some SERIOUS issues deep down that you’ve got to confront.

SERIOUSLY SERIOUS ISSUES!

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“I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerge a better person.”

STOP SAYING THAT!

So, do you mean to tell me, that with God’s help, you will change? With God’s help, your fist and hands will be prevented from pounding a young lady’s face in? Will God stop you from turning Rihanna from this gorgeous, pretty, sweet little face to…

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…this battered, beat up and disturbingly swollen face?

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*Are you Rihanna?! I don’t remember all the swollen parts of your face.

Christopher Maurice Brown. Singer, dancer, entertainer, woman-beater. You know, I was wondering when we’d have another Ike Turner to take the reins of “celebrity wife beaters” into the new millennium. Sure, Brown is nine years late but better late than never, right?  I only have one question left:

IS CHRIS BROWN’S CAREER OVER?

Let’s hope so. Chump. In the future, before smacking your Cover Girl model around, see if any other dudes will take Rihanna off your hands before you disassemble her face.

STOP…BUYING THIS STUFF

Friday, March 13th, 2009

More useless things from our wild consumer spending.

ugg-chick

OMIGOD! UGGS ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING IN THE WORLD!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ugg schmug. I got female friends who will probably stab me after they read this because they’re so IN LOVE with their Uggs footwear that sometimes it seems that’s the only thing they’re wearing these days. Well, if that were the case, maybe I’d be a little more in to them being that a bunch of naked women trouncing around in nothing but Uggs wouldn’t be such a bad idea. However, at $120 a pair, don’t think these things aren’t going up on this list since I believe a heavy pair of socks does the trick for ten times less dough. Point is, you ain’t getting a sliver of sympathy from me if you’re complaining about money and have a pair of Uggs. Also, all dudes out there with a pairs of Uggs: THROW THEM OUT AND GET MANLY. Yeah, you read that right. Throw them out, pussy.

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IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT AND THAT MEANS BAR-HOPPING!

And bar hopping means spending a lot of money! Drinks are rarely below $7 once tip is accounted for so if you’re planning on getting drunk, and most of you are, depending on how well you hold your liquor, you could be up to your neck in booze and bar tabs. Yes, I understand you’re a dude and you have to hit up all the cool bars to see what kind of hot chicks may be out prowling the night for you but, get a clue, homeboy, they ain’t prowling for you, they’re prowling for a guy who’s going to buy their drinks for them. It’s exactly why bar hopping for chicks can be a LOT different than bar hopping for guys. Either way, I think bar hopping is for pretentious people with nothing better to do than to spend hours dolling themselves up to look completely different than they really look just to attract another person that looks completely different than they really do and maybe “hook up”, a term that I absolutely can’t fucking stand to hear. “Hook up” with a tax guy and learn how to spend your money wisely, morons. “Hook up”. Sheesh.

beverly hills sign

WE GOTTA LIVE IN BEV HILLS OR MANHATTAN OR…

Live where you want, silly-shit, but it’s all the same when the neighborhood doesn’t fit you and, more likely, you don’t fit the neighborhood. I’ve lived in Los Angeles for most of my life so I’m used to this pretentious thinking to make those around you (fake friends, really) think you’re much bigger and more special than you really are. It goes in line with the same douche bags who live in apartments but drive $35-50K cares just for show. In fact, head over to the Hollywood area if you want to see where L.A.’s actors and actresses overspend their money. However, having been to more cities than just Los Angeles, I’ve noticed this disturbing trend across the states because I know it is a “thing” to be living in Manhattan if you’re in New York and I’m sure there are ritzy areas in every major city in America where people tend to stretch their limits way too far and wind up biting themselves in the ass.

LIVE WHERE YOU CAN AFFORD TO LIVE NOT WHERE YOU WANT TO LIVE

STOP…WATCHING THIS CRAP

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

This week I had to go with a show that THE ENTIRE WORLD seemed to be bitching about last week. Hopefully you’ll agree with some of the things I have to say. If not, your opinion means nothing to me.

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THE BACHELOR (ABC)

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Here’s a story, of a guy named Jason…

molly-malaney 

Who dumped a girl named Molly…

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So he could propose to a hot chick named Melissa :) But do they live happily ever after?

If you watch The Bachelor, you’re probably a chick, or gay, or possibly a gay man who thinks he’s straight but everyone else in the free world knows you’re gay. Either way, the Bachelor is an ENORMOUSLY popular ABC show that many women can’t seem to turn their eyes away from. I had to do this because last week damn near every chick in America couldn’t shut up about what Jason (the Bachelor) did to Melissa after dumping Molly when he proposed to her and then wound up breaking off the engagement because he still had feelings for the broad that had lost he originally dumped First of all, let me just say this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Not only do I not give a shit, but it REALLY makes me laugh when things are so obvious and yet, people act like there was some kind of dramatic twist here. First off, to cast away the notion that this show isn’t fixed to a certain degree is a heavy indication something is probably wrong with you and how you think. Unfortunately, fixed reality shows are part of the biz and to deny the truth is just good old fashioned bullshit.

To add another thing, I’d like to point out that I didn’t watch a second of this show but was relayed the news by my fiance who actually can’t stand the show but was seemingly grabbed in by the intensity of the final episode just like every other broad across the states. But, after seeing a few pictures on the web here, how that man chooses Melissa and then CHANGES HIS MIND for Molly is beyond me and probably every other guy with a swinging dick out there. The Bachelor, as I already knew, SUCKS ASS. But so does the actual bachelor

who-will-it-be

“I will choose Melissa.”

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“Then I will dump Melissa and go back to Molly.”

The Bachelor could all be called The Big Waste of Time.

WATCH THIS INSTEAD

millionaire-matchmaker2

THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER (Bravo)

Okay, you caught me. Here’s a chick show I actually find myself watching with my fiance on Sunday afternoon or evening when we’re just hanging around. At first, I thought to myself, “here’s another dumb ass reality show about setting people up”, obviously thinking I’d be right way before I’d be wrong. But, this time around, I’m DEAD WRONG. 

Hosted by millionaire matchmaker, Patti Stanger, it shows how her business runs its day to day operation, starting with two millionaire men between 30-60, who are given interviews and researched about everything. Yes, EVERYTHING. Patti also HOLDS NOTHING BACK and her super hilarious rants about “men’s penises” are right on the money and no holds barred. 

Part of the function of business is screening tons of women to set the millionaires up with to go on dates. The dates are a completely different ball game, the part of the show where you often watch two people talk and laugh but there’s NO CHEMISTRY because it’s often a greasy old dude trying to pull a hot skirt at least twenty years younger. Also, you know how you’ve always hated rich people because you think they’re uppity and snotty and stuck-up and on and on? Well, these dates reassure that theory because many of these guys are complete, certified 100% Grade A DOUCHE BAGS and it’s funny watching them try to play that off. Guess what, douche bag, it doesn’t work.

Getting back to the focal point of the show, however, there’s no better single character on reality television right now than Patti. Don’t argue with me because you’re wrong. She’s such a trip, I watch her as if it’s a stand-up. She’s like a Jewish mother with a South Park mouth and a nose so far up her client’s ass, it’s probably waving at them when they wake up in the morning. But the best part is that she usually says what you’re thinking and has absolutely no remorse. NONE. She’s the star and her employees are characters too. But tune in for Patti. It’s well worth your while. Even if you call me a chick.

millionaire-matchmaker1

*Patti and the gang ready for business

STOP…BUYING THIS STUFF

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

*another week, more signs of a recession, a worsening economy and TERRIBLE SPENDING HABITS! Let’s continue with some more things people can stop buying

out-to-lunch1

*I would have this sign at my business ALL THE TIME

LET’S DO LUNCH

Let’s do lunch! No, let’s not do lunch today. In fact, maybe we shouldn’t do lunch at all this week and only do it twice a month or something along those lines. Think about how often you mosey on over to the local Subway for lunch 3 days a week, which is to say better than millions of other Americans who go out to lunch every day. And, let’s say for the sake of the argument, lunch comes out to $8 a day, and I’m being super nice here:

3 X 8 = 24 X 4 = $96/month

12 months X $96 = $1152/year

Now, at this price, you’re at about $100 a month just on lunch 3 times a week. However, let’s be honest here: you spend a lot more than $24 a week going out to lunch. Multiply it and see that it comes out to more money than you need to be spending on something you don’t really need to spend it on.

starbux-latte

*the rice krispy treat looks REALLY good even though it’s a drawing, doesn’t it?

NON-FAT MOCHA LATTE W/SOY MILK, PLEASE

Yep, this one’s got to go so all you 9-5ers, yuppies, lawyers, servicemen, writers, artists, bums, soccer moms and coffee addicts across the world are going to have to figure out a cheaper alternative and please don’t go skipping over to Micky D’s for their “wonderful” $2 ice coffee because, for real coffee lovers, that stuff absolutely, positively, 100% sucks. But what’s it costing you getting that specialty drink at your local coffee joint 5 days a week? Well, let’s run it down, shall we?

5 X 3.50 = 17.5 X 4 = $70/month

12 months  X $70 = $840/year

However, what if you bought a coffee pot to work, set up shop and got a pound of ground coffee from your favorite joint? MUCH CHEAPER!

girls-texting

*this picture implies something naughty so P put it up although I can’t friggin’ figure out what it is

CHECK OUT MY UNLIMITED PHONE PLAN

Yeah, I know you think you’re cool and everything with you’re super-powered unlimited phone plan but, honestly, you can take that plan and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Because many people who have these plans aren’t hard working people who actually need them, I had to pick this because too many morons have chosen to scoop these plans up left and right. Unlimited calling plans (nights, weekends, roaming, long distance, texting, internet, etc.) give you everything but, seriously, folks, how much damn time on the thing do you need? Here’s a little run down:

100 x 12 months = $1200/year

I bet, with a little research and hard work, you can cut that baby in half if you really wanted to. If you don’t and you’re bickering about money, someone needs to smack the ever loving crap out of you.

pizza-delivery-hot

*there was no way I wasn’t putting this pic up

DUDE, THE GAME’S ON TONIGHT! CALL DOMINO’S!

This is for all you dudes who order pizza more than once a week which is over a million of you to say the least. Hard to beat a perfectly baked, beautifully designed pizza pie on game night when the boys are over and you’re hosting. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if anyone’s over, calling for pizza is easy, fun and GOOD. But it cost you an arm and leg and maybe even your ass too. 

I looked around and came to a rough estimate of $12.50 for a large one-topping pizza:

12.5 X 2 = $25 X 4 = $100

$100 x 12 months = $1200 

All of this adds up over the year no matter how little you may think it comes out to be. Many of you dolts probably have all three making you a cool triple threat but a cool triple threat with empty pockets and that ain’t cool, my friends. That ain’t cool.