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BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: CAPE BUFFALO VS HIPPOPOTAMUS

CAPE BUFFALO (Syncerus caffer)

SIZE: 8-10 FT  900-2000 LBS

Cape buffalo aren’t as docile as one may think, being that they’re bovids (hoofed mammal) and therefore these massive grazers are natural herbivores. However, among the large amount of bovid species in the animal kingdom, cape buffalo are definitely one of the most successful. That can happen when you run in to herds of up to 1500 beasts all weighing in over 1000 pounds.

Want to know how tough these African buffalo are? When being attacked by adult lions, the herd will huddle close together to make it more difficult for hunters to pick off one member. Also, it’s one of the few herbivore herds that will retaliate when a member is attacked, known to aggressively go after lions after one of their own is killed. In fact, it’s been recorded that buffalo herds have kept lions in trees for up to two hours following an attack on their herd, proving they back down from no animal and definitely no man.

Speaking of man, it brings up the next little curiosity: How dangerous are cape buffalo to us? The answer in two words: VERY DANGEROUS. Considered one of Africa’s “Black Five” (aka “big 5″) for killing the most people per year, buffalo are known to be super aggressive and unhappy with humans. In fact, they’re known as the most dangerous animal to hunt in Africa according to big game hunters. Apparently, when a buffalo is being hunted or even senses it, it will not shy away but rather pursue and ambush hunters, bulling them over and goring them to death.

DON’T HUNT THE CAPE BUFFALO AND YOU WON’T DIE

HIPPOPOTAMUS (Hippopotamus amphibius)

SIZE: 11 FT  3000-4000 LBS

Quick: What’s eleven feet long, four thousand pounds and can run faster than an Olympic sprinter in short distance? Thinking hard? Given up yet? Believe it or not, it’s a hippo. Yep, that fat, stubby, brown mass of blubber that does nothing but wallow in rivers of mud all day long. That’s the one. While this may be true, the hippo is not to be screwed with. 

Some interesting things about the hippopotamus you may not have known are quite fascinating. That color they get? Not just a phenomenon, my friends. Nope. They’ve got a natural skin ointment that they secrete to protect them from the baking African sun. In the meantime we still haven’t figured out the all day sun block that actually works without risk of skin cancer. Socially, hippos are part of a group of up to thirty hippos called a pod or herd that is lead by a dominant bull male. It’s funny that there are sometimes other males in the pods called bachelors that aren’t bulls because they let the dominant male run them. This also happens with people. Funny shit.

Notoriously recognized as one of the most ferocious animals in Africa, I’ve personally heard the “most deadly” moniker put with the hippo the most. While I’m no expert, my biggest stamp of approval came from Steve Irwin, the deceased Crocodile Hunter who claimed that moving along an African river in a canoe at night was by far the most frightening experience of his life. That should give you a good example of the danger a hippopotamus can present. Need more evidence? Hippos are very hostile toward two things in particular: crocodiles and boats. Any animal that will lash out against a crocodile and a damn boat is what I term unfuckwittable. Feel free to use that word should you the occasion arise.

WHO WINS?

THE SAGE SAYS…We’ll imagine a Shaq version of the cape buffalo arrived on the scene to square off against the hippo down at the water hole. While the buffalo has immense power and speed and set of horns that can gore and stab, the hippo is able to run just as fast, can utilize the water and can open it’s mouth almost wide enough to bite the buffalo in half. The buffalo bulls toward the hippo who stands its ground and chomps a huge hole into the buffalo’s side, sending its bloody carcass down the river as a gift for his crocodile enemies.

HIPPOPOTAMUS WINS!

*my name is HIPPOPOTAMUS and I think it’s time you recognized

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