It’s a baby whale shark which should give you an idea of how big these fish can get, sometimes over 55 feet.
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Thursday, July 30th, 2009
It’s a baby whale shark which should give you an idea of how big these fish can get, sometimes over 55 feet.
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
There are enormous sharks in this world. Ones that eat people too. Great whites are the most well known, of course.
There are also enormous crocodiles in the world. Crocs eat people more than sharks do. Saltwater crocodiles are the largest crocodiles out there.
Who would win if these two met out in the ocean?
Let’s see, shall we?
GREAT WHITE SHARK
Great whites are one of the few sharks that travel all around the world, as long as they can find waters that in their temperature range (54 degrees F to 75 F). It also means you should probably stay the hell away from any warmer beaches because, well, great whites don’t like you.
This is a fish that can grow up to 21 feet long and get close to 5000 pounds. That’s a big son of a bitch, right? Add in rows of razor sharp teeth and a nasty disposition to “bite” things out of curiosity and you’ve got yourself one of most dangerous creatures our planet has ever known.
If you want to really know how threatening great whites can be to humans worldwide, pull up any shark attack charts for the last 100 years and you will see the variety of different attacks caused by Mr. White around the world. This fellow covers ground, baby! From California to Australia, Mr. White likes his attacks no matter where he may roam.
Now, what do great whites eat?
Actually, not really. Sharks can’t stand the taste of us but by the time they figure it out, we’re usually dead or close to dead anyways so it doesn’t give us must comfort knowing that, either way, a victim of a shark attack is screwed.
In actuality, great whites love (I mean, absolutely, love) seals. They love seals like we love pizza and beer. In fact, don’t be surprised if somewhere beneath the sea, there’s a cafe where all the hard ass great whites join to drink, shoot the shit and eat some seal. It has to be somewhere down there.
These guys are about the same size as their cousins in Africa, the Nile crocodile except that salties (what Australians call them) are a tad bigger and can swim in the ocean. How’s that for a double whammy?
Just when you think it’s safe to be out of the freshwater in Australia you go for a dip in the ocean only to get eaten by a crocodile? At least have a shark eat me so I’m not so confused.
Salties have been recorded at 22 feet long although females only get to be about 11 feet long, with the biggest on record being 14 feet. That means males can be 10 feet longer than females! Damn. Talk about a rough mating season.
Luckily for us, saltwater crocs DO NOT live on our side of the Atlantic or Pacific or in the United States or Canada or anywhere else in North American territory. Thank God! However, should you feel an urge to travel to India or Indonesia or, of course, Australia, you may find yourself encountering one of these reptilians out in the wild. If so. GOOD LUCK.
The reason crocs are so dangerous to humans, even more so than sharks and Mr. White above, is because they have absolutely no conscience. When a croc wants to eat, dammit, it’s eating! If that means it’s eating you, so be it. It won’t spit you out like a shark would do because meat is meat and that’s what a saltwater crocodile wants whether it’s mammal, bird or human.
THE DEAF SAGE SAYS:
The two toothy beasts meet out in middle of the Pacific Ocean, just off the Australian coast, both staring one another down. The croc slowly cruises in, doesn’t like what he sees and swipes at the great white with its huge tail. The shark, pissed off as hell that the salty invaded his territory, tries to take a bite of it but misses badly. Salty swings around again, ready to take his own bite out of the shark. It’s a miss and the great white disappears for a quick second. By the time the croc knows where the shark is, it’s too late. The great white ambushed the salty from below and bit a huge hole in its belly, sending the crocodile below to sleep (and get eaten) by the fishes. Mr. White looks down with an evil grin and shrugs his shoulders. He knows who’s the baddest.
GREAT WHITE WINS
Friday, March 13th, 2009
Beaches are fun but I don’t get a kick out of the ocean the way some of you do. Why? Too much life in there I shouldn’t be interacting with. Look, I’ve got my fiance and my couch and my television and my Mac and my refrigerator so what do I need a waltz in the ocean for? Besides, I believe in letting the sea creatures have their place like they’ve let us have ours. When’s the last time a shark came and took a swim in your pool?
Anyways, there’s some interesting creatures lurking below and some REALLY DANGEROUS ONES.
*is it an honor to hold up your catch if it’s a SQUID?
HUMBOLDT SQUID (Dosidicus gigas)
And we ain’t talking Humboldt, California, folks. This squid is a mean one, at least if you’re an idiot and purposely fishing for it. In Peru and Mexico where such practices take place for commercial reasons, Humboldt squid will and do attack. They’ll fly out of the water and snatch fishermen out of their boats and throw them in the water. The worst part? These squid, unlike most molluscs, have razor sharp teeth on their tentacles, giving their bodies eight slimy barbed wires. Maybe those fishermen need to change career paths.
*something so fruity shouldn’t be so poisonous, right?
BOX JELLYFISH (Chironex fleckeri)
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU
The disclaimer above is perfectly true as this transparent animal has the most toxic poison of all the animals. I think it’s time you better recognize. Mr. Box Jellyfish: King of the Venom. By the way, if you were wondering, don’t go for a swim in Australia should you be planning a vacation to Sidney in the next few months. Hawaii’s off limits as is the Phillipines and Vietnam but I’m not quite sure any of you will be planning vacations there in your life time. Another note, the latin name of this box jellyfish I’m referring to is a specific one in a family of 19 species and it is the grand daddy of them all.
*grumpy little bastard, ain’t he?
STONEFISH (Synanceia verrucosa)
Another candidate for ugliest animal in the world, the stonefish has a fixed frown and an appearance you wouldn’t look at twice, being that the fish disguises itself like a rock most of the time. Actually, when it’s camouflaged on the ocean floor, it’s at is most deadly. For if you step on one of these bad boys, you could die because it secretes a super deadly toxin from the tips of their dorsal spines. One more crazy little fact about this fish: some species of stonefish have been known to live in rivers. That sucks. Just when you thought you were safe in freshwater, you’re not.
CONE SNAIL (Conus geographus)
Ever looked watched a snail for a few seconds and, because it was so slow, you wondered why the hell it’s on earth in the first place? Not many people hold snails in high regard or any regard for that matter. In fact, it reminds me of that stupid little sexist kids’ rhyme “boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails” so I personally don’t give them the light of day. However, this is a bad ass snail. I know, I know. A snail?! This one has a harpoon mouth that shoots really venomous stuff that could potentially put you to sleep…Forever. Just remember that next time you see a snail in your garden.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
*Discovery’s got “Shark Week” and everybody knows what a shark is, looks like and does but do you really know sharks? Guess which shark kills the most? How about which one is the least picky eater? These things are fun to know, cool to know and even better to use on people to show how much you know!
So, in honor of those murderous fish with the razor sharp teeth, a list…
OCEANIC WHITE TIP SHARK
Apparently, this bad boy seems to be a tad bit nasty toward humans because it’s got an incredibly powerful sense of smell amongst sharks which is basically saying these are the Kobe Bryant’s in the world of shark scent. However, even worse than that, this is considered the most common shark in the world, probably making it our most frequent visitor. I’ll pass on a trip to the beach today, thank you.
SHORTFIN MAKO SHARK
Looks nice, doesn’t it? Not only one of the fastest shark species, shortfin Mako sharks are also one of the few sharks where the female is bigger than the male. Go figure. As big as these guys look, they only average 5-8 feet in length but have been seen at 12 feet, making them that much scarier. Don’t forget this is a damn good fish to eat too should you ever see it on sale at the local market, pick it up, throw that bad boy on the grill and get ready for seafood heaven. Yes, it’s that good.
You have to admit that’s a cool picture, right? Also, at family reunions for sharks, this is the one nobody has to worry about feeding. Tiger sharks will eat ANYTHING. Aside from the usual fish and seafood, Tiger sharks have been found with the following in their stomachs: goat hooves, dog bones, tin cans, trash bags, license plates, batteries, bicycle tires and of course, human remains. Hey, at least they’re not prejudice in what they eat.
Here’s where me and the Discovery Channel disagree. They have the bull shark at #1, something I absolutely refused to do knowing the baddest son of a bitch shark on the planet should be there instead. But, being fair, bull sharks are extremely dangerous and very well known for attacking humans. What goes, Mr. Bull Shark? Basically, it’s quite simple. For one, bull sharks are the only known shark that can survive in freshwater, known for swimming up to 70 miles upstream. Another little element that makes them prone to attacking us: they can swim very effectively in shallow water, hence, many attacks close to shore. Just so you know, the way to avoid this would be to skip the beach.
GREAT WHITE SHARK
One of the biggest, baddest, scariest, deadliest and most dangerous animals on our planet Earth, the great white average lengths between 12-16 feet but there have been 21-23 footers recorded. You know, for me, I don’t even want to see a two footer. This is the number one killer among sharks as far as human death tallies go, however, very rarely does the great white attack a person on purpose. When swimming, we look like seals from underneath and our subject to attacks that way. Either way, it can often be a fatal blow or at least resulting in a severed limb and an unspeakable amount of stitches if you make it through.
*A few things to remember:
1. We kill thousands upon thousands more sharks than sharks kill humans but then again, violence seems to be the human way, no matter what the cost
2. If you really never want to get bitten by a shark…
DON’T SWIM IN THE OCEAN!!!