Beaches are fun but I don’t get a kick out of the ocean the way some of you do. Why? Too much life in there I shouldn’t be interacting with. Look, I’ve got my fiance and my couch and my television and my Mac and my refrigerator so what do I need a waltz in the ocean for? Besides, I believe in letting the sea creatures have their place like they’ve let us have ours. When’s the last time a shark came and took a swim in your pool?
Anyways, there’s some interesting creatures lurking below and some REALLY DANGEROUS ONES.
*is it an honor to hold up your catch if it’s a SQUID?
HUMBOLDT SQUID (Dosidicus gigas)
And we ain’t talking Humboldt, California, folks. This squid is a mean one, at least if you’re an idiot and purposely fishing for it. In Peru and Mexico where such practices take place for commercial reasons, Humboldt squid will and do attack. They’ll fly out of the water and snatch fishermen out of their boats and throw them in the water. The worst part? These squid, unlike most molluscs, have razor sharp teeth on their tentacles, giving their bodies eight slimy barbed wires. Maybe those fishermen need to change career paths.
*something so fruity shouldn’t be so poisonous, right?
BOX JELLYFISH (Chironex fleckeri)
WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING
THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU THIS WILL KILL YOU
The disclaimer above is perfectly true as this transparent animal has the most toxic poison of all the animals. I think it’s time you better recognize. Mr. Box Jellyfish: King of the Venom. By the way, if you were wondering, don’t go for a swim in Australia should you be planning a vacation to Sidney in the next few months. Hawaii’s off limits as is the Phillipines and Vietnam but I’m not quite sure any of you will be planning vacations there in your life time. Another note, the latin name of this box jellyfish I’m referring to is a specific one in a family of 19 species and it is the grand daddy of them all.
*grumpy little bastard, ain’t he?
STONEFISH (Synanceia verrucosa)
Another candidate for ugliest animal in the world, the stonefish has a fixed frown and an appearance you wouldn’t look at twice, being that the fish disguises itself like a rock most of the time. Actually, when it’s camouflaged on the ocean floor, it’s at is most deadly. For if you step on one of these bad boys, you could die because it secretes a super deadly toxin from the tips of their dorsal spines. One more crazy little fact about this fish: some species of stonefish have been known to live in rivers. That sucks. Just when you thought you were safe in freshwater, you’re not.
CONE SNAIL (Conus geographus)
Ever looked watched a snail for a few seconds and, because it was so slow, you wondered why the hell it’s on earth in the first place? Not many people hold snails in high regard or any regard for that matter. In fact, it reminds me of that stupid little sexist kids’ rhyme “boys are made of snails and puppy dog tails” so I personally don’t give them the light of day. However, this is a bad ass snail. I know, I know. A snail?! This one has a harpoon mouth that shoots really venomous stuff that could potentially put you to sleep…Forever. Just remember that next time you see a snail in your garden.