That’s a big god damn crocodile.
Posts Tagged ‘humans’
GREAT WHITE SHARK VS SALTWATER CROCODILE
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
There are enormous sharks in this world. Ones that eat people too. Great whites are the most well known, of course.
There are also enormous crocodiles in the world. Crocs eat people more than sharks do. Saltwater crocodiles are the largest crocodiles out there.
Who would win if these two met out in the ocean?
Let’s see, shall we?
GREAT WHITE SHARK
Great whites are one of the few sharks that travel all around the world, as long as they can find waters that in their temperature range (54 degrees F to 75 F). It also means you should probably stay the hell away from any warmer beaches because, well, great whites don’t like you.
This is a fish that can grow up to 21 feet long and get close to 5000 pounds. That’s a big son of a bitch, right? Add in rows of razor sharp teeth and a nasty disposition to “bite” things out of curiosity and you’ve got yourself one of most dangerous creatures our planet has ever known.
If you want to really know how threatening great whites can be to humans worldwide, pull up any shark attack charts for the last 100 years and you will see the variety of different attacks caused by Mr. White around the world. This fellow covers ground, baby! From California to Australia, Mr. White likes his attacks no matter where he may roam.
Now, what do great whites eat?
YOU!
Actually, not really. Sharks can’t stand the taste of us but by the time they figure it out, we’re usually dead or close to dead anyways so it doesn’t give us must comfort knowing that, either way, a victim of a shark attack is screwed.
In actuality, great whites love (I mean, absolutely, love) seals. They love seals like we love pizza and beer. In fact, don’t be surprised if somewhere beneath the sea, there’s a cafe where all the hard ass great whites join to drink, shoot the shit and eat some seal. It has to be somewhere down there.
SALTWATER CROCODILE
These guys are about the same size as their cousins in Africa, the Nile crocodile except that salties (what Australians call them) are a tad bigger and can swim in the ocean. How’s that for a double whammy?
Just when you think it’s safe to be out of the freshwater in Australia you go for a dip in the ocean only to get eaten by a crocodile? At least have a shark eat me so I’m not so confused.
Salties have been recorded at 22 feet long although females only get to be about 11 feet long, with the biggest on record being 14 feet. That means males can be 10 feet longer than females! Damn. Talk about a rough mating season.
Luckily for us, saltwater crocs DO NOT live on our side of the Atlantic or Pacific or in the United States or Canada or anywhere else in North American territory. Thank God! However, should you feel an urge to travel to India or Indonesia or, of course, Australia, you may find yourself encountering one of these reptilians out in the wild. If so. GOOD LUCK.
The reason crocs are so dangerous to humans, even more so than sharks and Mr. White above, is because they have absolutely no conscience. When a croc wants to eat, dammit, it’s eating! If that means it’s eating you, so be it. It won’t spit you out like a shark would do because meat is meat and that’s what a saltwater crocodile wants whether it’s mammal, bird or human.
WHO WINS
THE DEAF SAGE SAYS:
The two toothy beasts meet out in middle of the Pacific Ocean, just off the Australian coast, both staring one another down. The croc slowly cruises in, doesn’t like what he sees and swipes at the great white with its huge tail. The shark, pissed off as hell that the salty invaded his territory, tries to take a bite of it but misses badly. Salty swings around again, ready to take his own bite out of the shark. It’s a miss and the great white disappears for a quick second. By the time the croc knows where the shark is, it’s too late. The great white ambushed the salty from below and bit a huge hole in its belly, sending the crocodile below to sleep (and get eaten) by the fishes. Mr. White looks down with an evil grin and shrugs his shoulders. He knows who’s the baddest.
GREAT WHITE WINS
DEADLY ANIMALS: PARASITES!
Tuesday, March 24th, 2009
Today’s edition is a nasty one, a filthy one and a scary one all rolled into one. Parasites, and we’re not talking your relatives or that leech of a friend who’s always living off your crumbs. Nope. Today, we discuss the Real McCoy, something you may not be able to handle. Read at your own discretion.
WARNING: YOU MAY FIND SOME OF THE IMAGES VERY DISTURBING
Damn I love writing that!
TAPEWORM (Class: Cestoda)
I used the image above because it perfectly captured the horror of the tapeworm. And yes, it will come out of your butt, someone else’s butt, or another animal’s butt should it feel like it wants to come out. See, the tapeworm likes the intestines, something us humans don’t quite care for. Making matters even more appetizing, beef tapeworms can get up to 4o feet long (that’s not a typo) and other species of tapeworm have been known to reach 100 feet (also not a typo). The most disgusting part? Many people don’t even know they’re infected by the tapeworm until segments of its body come out when you take a crap. Sometimes, because these worms move around so much in your intestines, they can be seen writhing around in a person’s underwear. In fact, it’s been recorded during parts of history that people would purposely ingest a tapeworm to help them lose weight. PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO PUKE. THANK YOU.
ROUNDWORM (Phylum: Nematoda)
Well, that picture above must be one of those special times when size does matter, although bigger probably isn’t better this time. The disease (a nasty one) is called elephantiasis, a condition that involves the thickening of the skin and underlying tissues, especially in the legs and genitals. It’s caused by a few species of roundworm that are transmitted into their victims through mosquitos. So, not only is this little parasite a mean bastard, it also hitches itself on to another contaminated little creature that we don’t like. They’re like the animal kingdom’s evil twosome. Also, something else to take not of: There are over 80000 species of roundworm, 15000 of which are parasitic. YIKES.
TICK (Arachnids Order: Ixodida)
The infamous tick is our little Lyme Disease and Rocky Mountain spotted fever carrying friend that can make our lives a living hell. Most common are the dog ticks, probably the one tick you’ve seen in your life, possibly on your dog, your cat or maybe even yourself. Hell, I had a tick on my neck when I was about ten years old after my buddy and I were playing in the woods behind his house. It sucked but it sure felt good when my friend’s mom burned that bloated little bastard off my neck with a match. I looked at it dying on the ground and stomped it, sending it to tick hell. There’s ticks all over the world and unfortunately, our American tick species, the dog tick, the deer tick and the Western black-legged tick are all potentially dangerous for spreading diseases, so, in short, WATCH OUT!!!
TIGER SHARK VS GREAT WHITE
Monday, March 9th, 2009
BATTLE OF THE BEASTS: TIGER SHARK VS GREAT WHITE SHARK
I’ve been waiting on this one since Battle of the Beasts began. I also feel these are just going to keep getting better.
TIGER SHARK (Galeocerdo cuvier)
SIZE: 11-14 FT 850-2000LB
This ain’t your father’s tiger. Coined “the wastebasket of the sea”, the tiger shark will eat, well, anything that looks appetizing which is really just about anything from license plates to bicycle tires. Normally, however, it dines on turtles, seals, smaller sharks, fish, birds, squid and dolphins. Yes, this fish finds Echo the Dolphin quite tasty.
As you can by the stripes on its body that’s where the tiger shark gets its name. It’s also one of the five most dangerous sharks to humans along with the bull, oceanic whitetip, mako and great white. I chose the tiger because it’s the second largest of the man eaters behind the famous great white. By the way, the reason the tiger shark is so dangerous to humans is its extremely aggressive nature connected with the fact that it frequents really populated waters, Hawaii in particular.
DON’T GO FOR A SWIM IN HAWAII!!!
The tiger sharks family members are the lemon, blue and bull sharks, the bull being the only only member of the family that likes to attack us without much remorse. Most of this has to do with the fact that both members of the family like to swim in shallow water.
DON’T SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER EITHER
Here’s a pretty shocking piece of news I read online: largest tiger shark ever caught on record was 23 feet long and over 3000 pounds. Holy shit.
*this man can never be called a wuss ever again
GREAT WHITE SHARK (Carcharodon carcharias)
SIZE: 13-16 FT 1500-2500LB
Remember that part in Pulp Fiction at the end where Jules (Samuel L. Jackson) has a gun on Tim Roth underneath the table and tells him to get out the wallet that has “BAD MOTHERFUCKER” on it? That wallet belongs to this shark.
Known the world over as the most dangerous shark, what’s more important is that it actually is the most dangerous, most deadly shark to prowl the planet’s waters. But, unlike the tiger shark, the great white is all alone. Why? Because it is the last remaining species left in its genus, Carcharodon. Though it may be a loner in genus, it’s got a few family members to look to in case it ever gets lonely in the mako sharks, salmon shark and a European shark called the porbeagle, a rare shark close to extinction.
It’s no surprise that Mr. White doesn’t fool a round when it comes to his waters. Trespass and you may not live. Either way, you’re bound to get bit, whether it’s just your leg that gets taken or your whole life. Scary part about great whites is they’re one of the few sharks that have been discovered all over the world. So don’t think you’re safe. ANYWHERE.
WHO WINS?
THE SAGE SAYS…After circling each other for a few minutes, the tiger shark launches into an aggressive attack mode but the heavier great white shoves him off and descends to the bottom of the ocean where he returns only a few seconds later with a fatal blow from below, its body forming a torpedo with hundreds of teeth that undoes the tiger shark once and for all.
GREAT WHITE SHARK WINS!
