Alright I had to do it: I had to break out a little list of some stop pop culture movies to match with this year’s summer blockbusters. I figured it’d be more fun to break them into categories since I love you all so much.
NOBODY CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM IN SPACE
STAR TREK XI
Supposed to be HUGE and saturated with devoted TREKKIES who actually would rather be called TREKKERS but most people would call them DOUCHES. Anyways, the new Star Trek is going to be big but will it be good? Though I’m offering another space movie to watch and I can’t stand Star Trek, I have a strange feeling this one’s going to be good.
STOP POP CULTURE SAYS: EVENT HORIZON (1997)
If you’re easily scared of scary movies, sit this one out. Event Horizon tells the chilling tale of a futuristic rescue crew sent on a mission to find a spaceship that vanished into a black hole and returned with a different attitude. Lawrence Fishbourne and Sam Neil star in this very scary movie that delivers some serious scares throughout. I’ll admit, it’s not the best movie or anything, but it’s worth your time if you like to get the shit scared of you. And it’s within orbit of Star Trek and space movies so watch it and shut your pie hole.
WE ALL WANT TO BE A SUPERHERO
Best thing about this movie is that I don’t really need to explain it because you all already know everything about it. That’s what $100 million worth of advertising will do for you. Sometimes it seems like we’re living with Wolverine and Hugh Jackson is just some actor we’ve seen in movies like Swordfish.
STOP POP CULTURE SAYS: ROBOCOP (1987)
In the grand context of metal-made superheroes, why do we always seem to leave Robocop out of the mix? That first Robocop is one bad ass movie, something every teenaged boy should watch when he’s ready to enter manhood. It’s a story of a cop that gets turned into a mere vegetable by malicious thugs only to return as a reanimated cop made of metal and wires and filled to the brim with whoop ass. Anyways, bullets can’t stop Robocop, an automatic reason to see it.
IT’S EVERY MAN’S DREAM TO BE A TERMINATOR
Well, this one has Christian Bale as John Connor and Bale doesn’t do a whole lot of shitty movies so this is a good sign for the new Terminator. However, the PG-13 rating pisses me off since every Terminator before this one has been rated R without a question. This trend of PG-13 sequels when all their predecessors were rated R must stop. If not, I’m protesting across the country.
STOP POP CULTURE SAYS: THE TERMINATOR (1984)
I picked the original Terminator to prove a point: it doesn’t get nearly the love it deserves. Why? Because Terminator 2 was so good, people tend to forget about the first one. While it may not live up to it’s classic sequel, the original has a wonderful story and some kick ass scenes that you won’t be disappointed in. Also, the first is a lot scarier and evil, something the second doesn’t focus on. This is maybe the only time you will ever see Arnold Schwarzenegger as a villain and he plays one of the greatest villains in action movie history. ‘Nuff said.
SHOVE IT UP YOUR TAIL PIPE
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS 4
I look back on his career and ask, “has Vin Diesel ever done a good movie?”. The answer is pretty much known since his best flicks weren’t that great anyways. His role in Boiler Room was his best in my book and The Fast and the Furious is a joke, an action movie for car-obsessed jerk-offs that don’t know their dicks from their brake pads. Anyhow, regardless of what I think of the movie, it will have a huge first weekend but will then probably dwindle badly because it will suck balls.
STOP POP CULTURE SAYS: MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (1986)
Oh, the joy, the joy. This movie has a silly but relatively cool plot: after a mysterious comet passes too close to earth, every machine on the planet becomes alive and goes on a murderous rampage against humans. Pretty cool, eh? The movie centers on a group of people trying to keep their lives at a rural truckstop where they’re being terrorized by a band of 18-wheelers. Yep, you read that right: 18-wheelers. Those trucks are lead by the face of the entire movie, a toy company truck sporting a super devilish green goblin face on its grill. Emilio Estevez leads the band, doing his best with a machine gun to kick some major 18-wheeler ass.
RIDING A GRAVY TRAIN WITH BISCUIT WHEELS
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1 2 3
Starring Denzel Washington and John Travolta, this remake of the original classic should be exciting but I can’t say it will keep up with the first one. It involves some bad dudes who hijack a New York City subway train for ransom and create a painfully unconventional day for dispatcher Walter Garbe. Once again, the original was awesome and remakes these days ain’t so awesome. In fact, they’re not even mediocre.
STOP POP CULTURE SAYS: SPEED (1994)
Another movie we seem to have forgotten in the action movie genre. Speed, starring Keanu Reeves as an L.A. cop trying to save a bus full of passengers in danger of being blown to pieces because there’s a bomb on the bus that will detonate if the vehicle goes below 50 mph. One of the best action movies I ever saw in my life and, while a good portion of the movie does take place on a bus, there’s much more, including a scene on a train. Worth watching and I’ll even give you my address so you can come punch me if you don’t like it. I’m that sure of this one.