MONEY HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES: HOT MAMA!

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Thinking about what subject I should cover within this subject, it dawned on me quickly: MILFS!

There are so many gorgeous, beautiful, hot mom’s in this world so I felt it was only necessary to dedicate this one to them. I’m actually proud of this one. Like, really, really proud. Call me lame, I don’t care.

Halle Berry

$$$MONEY$$$ HALLE BERRY

By the time it’s all said and done, Halle Berry might go down as one of the most beautiful women in the history of cinema. Forgive me, but Ms. Berry is so damn hot that she got even hotter after the birth of her baby daughter. That’s beauty for you right there. Beauty and a lot of working out. Not sure what the last movie Halle was in, although it doesn’t really matter since she makes any movie better due to the fact she can actually act! Ms. Berry is one of those women I’ve had a crush on since she began and will have a crush on forever. It also makes it easier to like her because she doesn’t seem to be a wack job like a lot of other Hollywood actors.

devinn-lane1

PORN HONEYS – DEVON LANE

Porn stars come and go, usually with the same stories for the most part. Not Devon Lane. Her story is a little bit more interesting, albeit for a porn star. Adopted by devout Christian fundamentalist preacher. Already sounds interesting, doesn’t it? After getting pregnant at the young age of 16, Lane started stripping to pay the bills for her child and herself. It wasn’t too long after that Ms. Lane was approached to start posing for softcore porno magazines, the beginning of her pornography career. Although she was a little on the older side for a new porn starlet, Devon debuted in a lesbian only hardcore porn scene in 1999, setting up her career for bigger paydays and more ways to branch out. Nowadays, Devon Lane is a director and writer, also occasionally starring in soft core movies.

jenny-mccarthy

PLAYBOY BUNNY – JENNY McCARTHY

First of all, let me just note that I totally forgot how beautiful Jenny McCarthy was. Maybe it’s because she’s been out of the public eye for a while, taking care of Jim Carey’s kids instead of sticking her face in front of a camera. But she’s still hot, still funny, still a completely different mold of playmate than most of the others. It started in 1993 as a photoshoot for Playboy, she became Playmate of the Year in 1994 and the rest is all she wrote. Married and divorced twice, now living with Jim Carey although they’re not not technically married. Also, she admitted to having oral sex with women while cheating on her first husband. I bet that last line got you going, eh?

Who Wins?

Tough choice here, mainly between Jenny McCarthy and Halle Berry, the super Milfs. Devon Lane is cute but lacks the beauty of the other two and also tries to justify how much of an independent woman she is although she’s still a porn star. That’s a big no-no for me. You are what you are: admit it. Jenny McCarthy definitely is gorgeous but I’m a tad turned off by the fake boobs and super blond hair. That being said, it’s also really hard to say Jenny is prettier than Halle Berry who is drop dead gorgeous.

THE WINNER IS HALLE BERRY

halle-berry-21

MONEY, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Monday, June 8th, 2009

I had to go with Megan Fox this time around since Transfomers 2 is on its way to the movie theatres soon and she’s apparently every young man’s wet dream right now. 

So, why not welcome her to Money Honeys & Playboy Bunnies the right way and having her join the competition?

megan-fox

$$$MONEY$$$ – MEGAN FOX

Megan started off her career opposite wannabe anorexic Ashley Olsen in the Fox movie, Holiday in the Sun. After roles on such television shows as Two and a Half Men and What I Like About You. It was only back in 2001 that her acting career was launched so stunningly gorgeous Megan hasn’t had much time to cool off since. After a few stints on tv, she got her big break as a member of the cast for Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Not long after that, of course, was the movie that turned into the hottest chick in Hollywood at the moment: Transformers. Obviously, many young men will be flocking to theatres for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I doubt anyone really cares about any of her other upcoming movies as it will probably be used as a pitiful (yet legitimate) reason to justify going to see it.

gianna-michaels

PORN HONEY – GIANNA MICHAELS

Gianna Michaels, like Sasha Gray a few weeks ago, is one of the hottest porn stars at the moment. Funny, she actually started out in a burger joint in Seattle before heading south to sunny southern California where her first job landed her in an office as a receptionist. After frequently having people approach her to consider modeling, Gianna decided maybe it was time to try it out. At the worst, she would drop the new pursuit if it didn’t work to her liking. Well, that opened the door to nude pictures which blew down the door to a huge porn career. 293 DVD’s later and Miss Michaels seems to be on top of the porn world (no pun intended). You can also see her all over the internet as she’s just as big, maybe even bigger, on the Web as she is in the world of adult film.

jayde-nicole-playmate-june-2008

PLAYBOY BUNNY – JAYDE NICOLE

It was a whole 26 years before another Canadian Playmate made the kind of impact on Hugh Hefner to realistically be considered for the annual award as the magazine’s top playmate. Well, Jayde Nicole broke that 26 year streak of non-Canadians by becoming the 2008 Playmate of the Year. Take that, Hef! It means that the Ontario native can now claim something only the legendary Shannon Tweed can: the only Canadian Playmate of the Year in the entire world! Her most becoming feature is a unique tattoo of the word ‘respect’ on her lower abdomen, apparently a reminder of a bad relationship. Not that we care much but it was another fact to take up space for this particular column so I plugged it in. Honestly, I really don’t give a shit so I doubt either of you do either.

Who wins?

Gianna Michaels is cute and I like that she’s the thickest of the three but she’s a little too much and is not because she’s a porn star. She’s just not my type but beauty is the eye of the beholder, right? Jayde Nicole is a pretty Canadian but is there anything else? Doesn’t seem like it. Hiding behind Playboy doesn’t win this contest. Megan Fox is a real pretty lady but has a unique look unlike the other two that stands out. Her Transformers connection gets her the sure nod here.

MEGAN FOX WINS

MONEY, HONEYS & PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Tuesday, April 28th, 2009

Okay, back to work on this one because it’s been too long and I’ve got people asking why. Decided to pit some naturals against one another. That means natural breasts, something it seems we as a society have gotten away from a little too much. Fake is out, natural is in. At least in my world it is and that’s all that really matters.

Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel

$$$MONEY$$$ SALMA HAYEK

Salma seems like such a sweet girl, doesn’t she? Remember when she first appeared in American cinema with Antonio Banderas in Desperado? Smooooooooookin’! Strangely, she almost looks better today then she did back then but we’re talking apples and oranges here. Naturally, Salma, yours are something to be reckoned with.

christy-canyon

PORN HONEY – CHRISTY CANYON

Christy Canyon is one of those porn stars that’s been in the game for years. You mention her name out loud on the streets and chances are someone knows it, maybe more than just a few people too. Christy also broke into the industry back when producers wanted their porn queens to be stacked naturally, possibly a 1980′s trend of some sort. If you’d like more information about Canyon, find her porn autobiography, Lights, Camera, Sex!, a read I’m sure will be interesting if not entertaining.

gianna-mazzon

PLAYBOY BUNNY-GIANNA MAZZON

Gianna’s a pretty, all natural Playmate from San Diego, CA. Apparently, the dudes really dig her boobies as they are not only 100% organic, but rather large 34D sized breasts. Personally, I’m not big into Playmates as it’s tough to tell how pretty they really are due to the make-up and air brushing along with the fact that many of these gorgeous women take some of their gorgeous out by replacing their naturals with fakes. Stupid.

AND THE WINNER IS…Very tough since the three women here sort of feel like they’re on an equal plane. However, while Gianna Mazzon’s 34D’s are an eye-popper and Christy Canyon’s enormous jugs are as well, this victory goes to Salma Hayek who is beautiful, sweet and has a rack that’s the envy of many women in the world, including other female celebrities.

SALMA HAYEK WINS

$MONEY$, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

This one’s for my El Salvadorian buddies back at my old job. I just wanted to make them proud and promise to do as I told them: “Write sumthin’ bout the fine chicas, ese”. ‘Nuff said, fellas.

jennifer-lopez1

$$$MONEY$$$ – JENNIFER LOPEZ

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo on the street and with the kids and on MTV and all the other silly shit. Known to do whatever it takes to get to the top, including screwing anyone over who dares to stand in her way. Married some dancer once, divorced him because he probably wasn’t pulling in much loot. Tries to marry Ben Affleck until one of them realized how big the other’s ego was (or they both realized this) and broke it off but was able to hook up with latin pop singer Marc Anthony (what kind of Latin name is that?!) who she’s currently still with although there’s always reported problems in the marriage. Finally got pregnant with twins so her blood can continue torturing the people around her for years to come. That’s Jennifer Lopez. Or J-Lo. Or who gives a shit?

vanessa-del-rio

HONEY: VANESSA DEL RIO

Vanessa Del Rio was one of the first big porn stars, albeit a Hispanic porn star as well. She’s appeared in over 100 porno films and is still recognized as one of the greats among porn insiders today. Also, Vanessa has done her share of work in front of the camera in the public eye as well, playing herself in many music videos and appearing in shows such as NYPD Blue. Anyways, apparently she’s someone special in the porn industry.

maria-checa2

PLAYBOY BUNNY: MARIA CHECA

Maria Checa was a gorgeous, Columbian model and actress who landed in Florida with her parents when she was young. She accomplished many things as a young woman, one being an artist attending the Maryland Institute College of Art. Of course, Miss Checa then went on to become playmate of the month in August 1994, turning her future into what appeared to be destiny. But poor Maria unfortunately got caught with the wrong honcho and her boyfriend helped get her in trouble for insider trading. Sad story, eh?

AND THE WINNER IS….

Jennifer Lopez. J-Lo. This was a tough one for me. However, Maria Checa looks a tad skinny and I don’t like her taste in men. Vanessa Del Rio just ain’t my type and seems, well, a little used. Also, she’s 57! J-Lo, by default, but also due to extraordinary hotness when she was younger, takes the victory this round.

MONEY, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Friday, March 6th, 2009

For some reason, this week, I wanted to make the MONEY part of this segment someone from the political world being that politics in such a focal point of our country right now. Don’t be angry at me. 

$$$MONEY$$$

meghan-mccain

*even though Daddy lost, Daddy’s little girl is pretty cute

MEGHAN McCAIN (JOHN’S DAUGHTER)

You all know I’m a Democrat but you also all know I’m not predjudice to Republicans, especially when they’re hot. Anyways, scouring around, I come across this article on cnn.com written by Meghan about how Daddy’s campaign killed her love life. Apparently, she’s single. Apparently, she knows a bunch of douchey guys with no sacks because if they’re letting a cutie like Meghan slide by, they may just be women dressed as men. Trannies, possibly. You just never know.

HONEY

Mann Village Theatre

STORMY DANIELS (SENATOR PORN STAR?)

Stormy as you might know is a porn star. You may have heard her name during election time because her name was thrown around to campaign against a Republican Senator from Louisiana in 2010. Seems that every few years a porn star puts on some clothes and claims to be a politician. Certainly would be interesting having a former porn star as a Senator though. Especially if we could hear them discuss safe sex and teen pregnancy. That’d be awesome! And entertaining.

PLAYBOY BUNNY

india-allen

INDIA ALLEN (1988 PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR)

Self described “die-hard Republican”, India Allen was 1988′s Playmate of the Year. Maybe Hugh Hefner and his staff lost their eye sight in 1987 and couldn’t see the 1988 playmates of the month very well. Either way, I’d like to know where a white girl like this gets name like India from. There’s certainly nothing saying “India” about her. Also, it turned me off to know that she “loves” cigars. This is probably sexist but the ladies shouldn’t “love” cigars. That’s just nasty. 

AND THE WINNER IS…I’m not feeling the Playmate since she’s a die-hard Republican and loves cigars. Stormy Daniels is a porn star possibly running for Senate but she’s a little too t”bleached” for me if you know what I mean. I’m also not huge on redheads who want to be blondes. Meghan is cute and seems sweet even though she’s got that problem with her Daddy being John McCain and all. But MEGHAN McCAIN takes this one.

MONEY, HONEYS AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

I thought it might do us all some good to compare a few brunettes in this category. Let’s take a look, shall we?

$MONEY$

lauren-conrad

LAUREN CONRAD

The main star of MTV’s The Hills, Lauren Conrad is just another hot rich girl who was a friend of a friend whose father has a lot of connections or something along those lines. The show is about nothing and I don’t care to elaborate because that would be giving the show and its characters a little too much credit. I think many of you feel me on this. However, I don’t lie, and Miss Conrad is a beautiful girl but how does she match up against some of our other contestants?

HONEY

asia-carrera

ASIA CARRERA

Asia Carrera was a world famous porn star for about 10 years from 1993-2003. Now, if you can get over the fact that she’s hot and obviously a freak, I’ll let you in on something interesting: Asia Carrera has an IQ over 150! Yep. Bet Lauren Conrad can’t claim anything of that nature.  On the contrary, Conrad wasn’t getting banged on camera all the time either so that’s in her favor by most people’s standards. Either way, she’s one of the most popular porn stars of all time. 

PLAYBOY BUNNY

carmella-decesare

CARMELLA DECESARE

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

Anybody who disagrees with me needs to see a psychiatrist.

Until next week, so long.