**Just because a movie is a) foreign, or b) horribly depressing, or c)really weird does not make it great. I’m also not a “sub-title” reviewer which are those morons who tend to think a movie has achieved incredible cinematic success because it’s shot in another language. Horseshit.
Yeah, yeah, spare me the whining. Christian Bale is the new batman and Christopher Nolan is directing? GASP!!! It must be the greatest comic movie in cinema history, right? Wrong! Now, hold your breath because I’m not saying this movie sucks but I am saying it’s not as good as it’s perked up to be. Personally, it was a tad slow and uneventful and I’d take the original Batman over this prelude any day of the week.
ALL WOODY ALLEN MOVIES
For the most overrated director of all time, there’s not one of his movies I’ve seen that I thought was good, funny or even remotely worth using two hours of my time. The insect-like, neurotic little invertebrate may be a “creative genius” to some but when a guy that ugly is pulling girls that are waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of his league in every single movie he directs and stars in I start to get irritated and suspect. If he was hooking up with insects, I’d understand. Had Allen never been famous, he would have had many dates with the cockroaches living in New York.
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
Snnnnnnnnnnnnnore! I dig Clint Eastwood and think he’s a hell of a director. Hell, there’s even been some craptastic movies he did (according to everyone else) that I thought were pretty good. This piece of steaming dogshit, however, is better to sit out if you’ve got the chance. I don’t think anything exciting happens in the movie…at all! You’d expect a lot more from a macho son of a bitch like Eastwood, known as Dirty Harry and the kick ass gunslinger from some of the greatest westerns. But this? Hang yourself before you’re forced to watch this film.
BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
Unique! Original! Bizarre! Amazing! How about just plain stupid? Yes, stupid. Just because Spike Jonze and his first full feature are completely out to lunch does not constitute the label of high cinematic achievement that some have given the movie and him. Sure, the movie is definitely original and unique. I’ll give it that. But really, all that means is it’s a big turd with a fancy, pretty ribbon on top. You know what happens when you take off the ribbon? That’s right, it’s still a big turd.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
If you’re upset with me about this choice, even better. I heard thousands of different Christians and Catholics rant and rave about how “amazingly transcending” this film was. Well, no shit. It’s a friggin’ movie about Jesus Christ! Duh! For a gory and bloody movie devoid of dialogue, The Passion of the Christ has a passion for making you nauseous because of how sickening it is. And I’m not talking about the violence. The subject, the movie, everything about The Passion of the Christ sucks donkey dick. Religious freaks like this movie. Make that Christian religious freaks.